Is it cheating? Girlfriend had sex with another female while on a trip

[Mythical_Suicide]

All I can say is learn from this, open your communication up some more be sure she knows what you're comfortable with her doing and what you're not comfortable with and be very very blunt dont take shortcuts. Don't penalize her for it, if you're able to accept you both made mistakes as far as communication is concerned and move on with your relationship.

 

... im sure ima get bashed on my views but so be it.

[Tears May Fall]

it's just something different with being together with a female ]

 

If its so different and so amazing, then you need to decide whether you want to be with one or the other, but you cant be sharing. Thats just totally unfair. If you want to be with both, dont be in a comitted monogamous relationship. Someone will only end up hurt out of this.

If you like women that much, then you shouldnt be with a man, but with a woman instead. Figure out which one is more important to you, which one you like more, which one satisfies you more thoroughly, and stick to it. Life is full of tough decisions, and if you're mature and old enough, you should be able to decide. If you love your bf enough, then it shouldnt be hard decision at all. Just as she stated to me earlier, that she isnt interested in being with another female ever again.

[Tears May Fall]

All I can say is learn from this, open your communication up some more be sure she knows what you're comfortable with her doing and what you're not comfortable with and be very very blunt dont take shortcuts. Don't penalize her for it, if you're able to accept you both made mistakes as far as communication is concerned and move on with your relationship.

 

... im sure ima get bashed on my views but so be it.

 

Some things dont need to be stated. Engaging in a sexual act with ANY individual other than your partner is cheating. And that should be something anyone at least by high school could tell you. There are common sense rules in relationships. Cheating in my eyes only equates to one thing = something was missing/you werent fully 100% satisfied with your partner (esp. sexually) and you went looking elsewhere for it. Occasionally people state that it happens by this thing called "accident." Thats a load of ...

[Down-In-A-Hole]

You sound like you want a stable, committed, and exclusive relationship. This girl has displayed to you that she will not deliver on that front. Frankly, I wouldn't hang around any longer in that relationship unless you can decide that it's cool for her to have sex on the side (and, isn't it just a matter of time before she thinks it's okay to do it with a male? After all, she already did it with a female behind your back).

[agent1607307371]

OK, I am bisexual - that is my preference. It is not a behaviour. Being bisexual does not mean that you want to have sex with everyone and that you can't keep it in your pants.

 

You and your gf should have sat down and had the monogamous vs open conversation. Sit down and have it now. YOu need to clear up any miscommunications and find out where your sexual views don't match. As it is, monogamy in the mainstream is the default relationship setting and anything more requires clear and thorough communication. And then some more communication.

 

Sex is a very touchy issue. Some people have a need for sexual fidelity, others not so much. What you need to figure out is if you need it (and it sounds like you do) and if she wants to.

 

And I know it probably doesn't mean much, but just remember that it was about sexual release and not a comment on you or the relationship.

[Tears May Fall]

And I know it probably doesn't mean much, but just remember that it was about sexual release and not a comment on you or the relationship.

 

Sexual release?? Well i was away in chicago the time she was in japan, and i couldve gotten off from "sexual release" myself too if i wanted to, but the fact of that matter was that i didnt. I didnt because to me, the sex i would have with my gf would blow away the sex i would have with any random stranger, and i love my girl, why would i go and do something if it isnt even going to be better than what i already have?

If she respected me and desired me and only me, she wouldve never done it, bottomline!!

[agent1607307371]

Then obviously sexual fidelity is not as much a concern to her as it is for you. If that's the case, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

 

 

Did you ever have a proper conversation about expectations of sexual behaviour. It's not a defence of her, but if she's not been told to be monogamous and had it implied that you think bisexuality is hot, then she may not have seen a problem. Given her greeting to you though, I don't think she was entirely happy with her behaviour herself.

 

The big question is whether you can get past it or not. If you can't, don't stay. The resentment will only grow and you both deserve more than that.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Some things dont need to be stated. Engaging in a sexual act with ANY individual other than your partner is cheating. And that should be something anyone at least by high school could tell you. There are common sense rules in relationships. Cheating in my eyes only equates to one thing = something was missing/you werent fully 100% satisfied with your partner (esp. sexually) and you went looking elsewhere for it. Occasionally people state that it happens by this thing called "accident." Thats a load of ...

 

 

 

When you're going to say you're okay with your gf being bisexual as llong as she "doesnt replace you" leaves alot of questions there. You statedyou said you were okay with it until it happened, so yes it should be brought up. Every relationship I have ever been in since I do have an interest in girls as well limits were drawn out. If you feel this hard about it then end things with your gf but dont screw up the smae with another girl and be CLEAR about what you want. Dont tell her it's okay to do something and then turn around and whine about her doing it.. People do have "open relationships" thereforeeee EVERYTHING should be discussed when entering a relationship so in the end you don't have to sit and whine and moan like you are doing. This is the reason many relationships fail, people think you only need to discuss certian issues well guess what there is more than meets the eye.

 

Dont get me wrong, I agree with you 100% about cheating, it's wrong and shouldnt be done but if two parties agree on it then guess what it isn't cheating.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Then obviously sexual fidelity is not as much a concern to her as it is for you. If that's the case, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

 

 

Did you ever have a proper conversation about expectations of sexual behaviour. It's not a defence of her, but if she's not been told to be monogamous and had it implied that you think bisexuality is hot, then she may not have seen a problem. Given her greeting to you though, I don't think she was entirely happy with her behaviour herself.

 

The big question is whether you can get past it or not. If you can't, don't stay. The resentment will only grow and you both deserve more than that.

 

 

we posted at the same time but I couldnt agree more.. You can either forgive her a move on or end things

[kellbell]

"You can't discuss all possible scenarios in a relationship"

 

Well of course not and I did not state that. But when a couple decides to become exclusive, then are many areas that need to be discussed, boundries that need to be laid down. And cheating is no exception. I have seen countless times here on eNotAlone that people assume that going to a strip club (for example) and getting a lap dance is not cheating but in hindsight, the partner feels it IS cheating. And since his girlfriend is bi-sexual, talking about what constitutes cheating seems paramount. She ASSUMED he would not mind simply because she is bi and that he knew. Apparently, it is not cool with him.

 

"Some things dont need to be stated. Engaging in a sexual act with ANY individual other than your partner is cheating."

 

Well, Tears, apparently your logic and assumptions about this matter did not occur to your girlfriend. Just because it seems logical to YOU and makes sense to you...does not mean others will see it that way. That is why communication is important.

[Tears May Fall]

is she jus lying to me when she states she only did it because she thought i was alright with it? or is there more to it?

[Mythical_Suicide]

How many times and how many people do you need to say it before you believe it?. Only you can be the judge of that, noone on here knows her personally nor do we know her character thereforeeee we cannot sit here and say well yea she's being completely honest or she;s lying!

 

My personal opinion and I have posted it a million times already but I believe she was being truthful about it otherwise why would she just blurt it out telling you? Unless she is a complete idiot I dont see that being the case.

[Tears May Fall]

I know i know her best, and i trust her. Shes a good girl, she would never intentionally go out and try to hurt me or do something behind my back.

 

i guess i believe her on the scenario that took place and her agreeing never to do it again and letting go of her bisexual side....the only thing that i dont know how to figure out is if i fulfill her sexual desires or not. That would be the only insecurity i would develop out of this. I feel my sexual comfort with her would diminish drastically. If i agree to take her back, it would just take me time to get over all this.

 

Thanks for the help everyone. Sorry if i sounded rude in any posts, im just in a very disgruntled mood rite now.

[agent1607307371]

Don't worry about it. It's the worst pain really.

 

And like I said, it's not about you (as harsh as that sounds) so don't let it make you feel insecure or inadequate. She would not be in a relationship (and confessing to a hard truth) if she did not want you.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Explain everything to her that you have said here, Its obvious you both care about each other. I don't believe her intentions of sleeping wiht another female is a result of you not satisfying her sexually as if that was the case im sure she would have done it sooner and alot more than and would have never confessed to you. I think it was just a screw up on her part and a misundertanding between the two of you jsut be very upfront and honest with her about what you dont like. It will take time to get over it but you seem to be a strong willed person you can do it especially if yall love each other..

 

Good Luck Sweety!

 

and just for the record, I know I come off as harsh in most of my posts im really not that way so forgive? I wish the best for you two and nothin but happiness!

[WizardElement5]

My guess is that your gf will only be happy if she is free to experience both parts of her sexuality. If you allow her to have relationships with other women, then this will enable her to also have a full and loving relationship with you and you could both be very happy sharing yourselves with each other. But if you deny her that other half of her self, then even if she agrees at first, ultimately she will see you as a denial of her own truth and your relationship will become destructive and finally fail. Perhaps you are not capable of being in a polyamorous relationship and it is wrong for you to continue with your gf, but that may well be the only choice if you care about her living a life that fulfils all of her needs and lets her be the complete person that she is.

[agent1607307371]

Why do you think she is polyamorous. She had sex, not a girlfriend.

 

If she wasn't happy with him, she wouldn't be with him. I think it's a common and unfair stereotype that bisexuals have to have a bf and a gf to make them happy. I'm not saying that thats not the case for some, but it's not for most.

[WizardElement5]

Hi agent.

Why do you think she is polyamorous. She had sex, not a girlfriend.

I was using polyamory in its broadest sense to mean having more than one lover. Whether one has a particular lover for just one night, for a week or for a much longer period is not so important. But the person this woman slept with had been her former partner, so one might view this as at least a potentially serious or longer term relationship.

If she wasn't happy with him, she wouldn't be with him. I think it's a common and unfair stereotype that bisexuals have to have a bf and a gf to make them happy. I'm not saying that thats not the case for some, but it's not for most.

My point is not that she is not happy with him, but that if she felt he was going to permanently deny a very large and important part of herself then this could very likely lead to the failing of their relationship.

I have no wish to stereotype anyone and we probably just mix in different circles. My last relationship, which lasted 7 years, was with a bi woman and was very much on the polybi scene. I've been to several bicons, (have I met you there?), and of my tens and tens of bi friends, most of them are poly. But as I said, that's probably just because I've been in that particular scene.

[agent1607307371]

I'm glad you had a good experience of the bipoly scene, but all I found in it was lies and people who took no responsibility for their actions. Not all of them, but enough to sour me towards it.

 

Ahh, I used the non-monogamous frame, as it's less threatening and more specific to his problem.

 

I don't however, feel that him asking her to deny her bi side will work, because it's not something you can cut out. That said, it's a preference, not a behaviour and only she can decide if she can/wishes to be monogamous or not.

[Tears May Fall]

Agent and Mythical, thanks for all your input on my situation. I appreciate your help and concern. I too, now am starting to believe that she didnt do it because something was missing from my part. She loves me to death, and feels im the greatest thing that ever happened to her. She has told numerous times again and again that I am the best sexual partner shes had in addition to that. She clearly realizes that what she did was wrong, that she shouldnt have done it in the first place, and that she wasnt putting me first when she did it. She let it happen because at the moment, a part of her wanted it, but she wasnt thinking clearly and she realizes it was a stupid mistake which shouldnt have happened, and shes saying shes willing to let that side of herself go, since she doesnt want anything to come in the way of me and her. She said she would do anything to make this relationship work, and that she cant live without me.

This all doesnt excuse her and give her any reason to get away with what she did, but im just glad she realizes that it did indeed hurt me, and that she regrets it, and promises it wont happen again.

As for me, it will just take me time to move on from it, however i dont want to punish her for it, just want her to realize her mistake. Im not gonna tell her she cant hang out, go on trips, not drink, not have female friends, etc. Im not gonna change her life. I want our relationship to continue just the same way and hopefully pick up soon right where we left off, hoping to just be able to put this incident behind us. I can say i know my girl well enough that i know she wouldnt ever openly lie to me or do anything to hurt me, because otherwise she wouldnt have even told me strait up like that in the first place.

[Rabican]

Id say its cheating. I would also say that if my girl cheated with another girl, it would bother me FAR less than if it was with a man. thats just me... Im not even really sure why... maybe because I would think that... well its a girl, and isnt really a threat to me. Im not sure, I just know that it wouldnt bust me up as badly as another guy.

 

Still cheating though. I would also be concerned about the whole 'I get horny when Im drunk' line of thinking. If you do stay together, whats to stop that bad descision making from coming to light again with another girl, or guy.

[Joneysnai]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Just because you are okay with the fact she is bisexual does not give her any right to sleep with another girl. IT IS CHEATING. I can't even believe she gave you that excuse to be honest, it definitely shows how mature she is... NOT.

 

If someone really loves you, they will not cheat on you with another person. They will not even think about it or have the desire to do it. She obviously doesn't love you and since this is someone she used to mess around with, who is to say she won't do it again? I don't care if she said she gets really horny when she drinks, that gives her NO reason at all to cheat on you.

 

She cheated on you, she felt bad and she told you but I wouldn't take her word for it. Regardless of what she says to you, you will still wonder in the future if something like that will happen again when she's away.

 

You have to ask yourself if you love her enough to forgive her, only you know her better but this is my opinion.

[redsuede]

She slept with this person before you came along, so this makes it even worse IMO. Im sorry this happened to you. I have no sympathy for cheating. Its the biggest heart breaker.

[yeawutever]

Off course it's cheating, it doesn't matter who she's cheating with. Gender doesn't count, what counts is the betrayal she did on you. If she went off being intimate with someone else besides you and you didn't consent to it, then it's cheating alright. She belongs to the curb by the way.

[rocio]

is she jus lying to me when she states she only did it because she thought i was alright with it? or is there more to it?

 

I personally think that, if she really thought you would be okay with it, she would have clarified the issue. To assume that it's okay to cheat on someone is a HUGE assumption. I'm quite sure she's brighter than that.

 

Don't feel bad about not taking a stronger stand on the issue in the beginning. I find that alot of guys LOVE the idea of girl-on-girl action - IF they're involved! When it actually comes to their girlfriend having sex with someone else in their absense, it can be just as hurtful as heterosexual betrayal.