Is it cheating? Girlfriend had sex with another female while on a trip

[Tears May Fall]

my gf just came back from a school trip to japan, and upon returning, she told me she had sex with one of the girls that was on the trip with her while she was there. I knew my gf was bi-sexual, at least i thought in the past she was, and i told her i was ok with the thought of that, and it didnt really pose a threat to me about her interest in women, as long as she never wanted a woman in place of me.

Well she was away for a week, and she told me her and the friend went out, had a couple of drinks, and came back and had full fledged sex. She also now informed me of how this girl was someone she was seeing and sleeping with in the past before me. She states that when she drinks, she gets very horny (something that i know, but normally she only drinks to that extent if im around).

At first i didnt know how to react, and i didnt say anything, but within the a couple of hours or so it just hit me, and i told her that it really upset me and hurt me that she could engage in a sexual behavior with somebody else while being away from me like that and thinking its ok only because i said i was alrite with the fact that she had bisexual views.

In my opinion, this classifies itself as cheating, and i dont know what to say or do. I just keep wondering to myself if what i have to offer is enough to satisfy her, and if it is, then why would she go looking elsewhere. Her "excuse" was that she only let it happen because she thought i was ok with it, otherwise she wouldve never let something like that happen. Shes being sorry about it, and states she willing to let go of all her homosexual desires, and that she only wants me and i satisfy all her needs. Im just really confused and betrayed right now, and i dont know how to believe what she has to stay. Shes always been honest and open with me about everything, never really lied or did anything inadvertently to hurt me.

A part of me wants to stay, but a part of me just wants to go. I dont know what to do. I told her I need time and that if and when im ready to forgive her, ill let her know.

[DN]

Yes - it is cheating. Just the same as if she had sex with a male. I would do the same thing as you would do if she had cheated with a man.

[HellFrost666]

Well if she slept with somone else, then yes, that is cheating, reguardless of the gender of who she slept with.

[rocio]

Of course it's cheating!

 

Her "excuse" was that she only let it happen because she thought i was ok with it, otherwise she wouldve never let something like that happen.

 

Do you believe her when she says this? You know her better than we do but that sounds like a cop-out to me.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Yes, the gender of the other person doesn't matter, sex with anyone but your partner is cheating.

[RayKay]

Does it matter what we think really; is it not about how you feel about it?

 

For the record though, yes it is cheating. Whether it is with the same sex, or not, when you share those intimacies with someone outside the relationship it is cheating. You being okay with her past, and her bisexuality does not mean you have to be okay with her sharing her sexuality with others.

[agent1607307371]

That's cheating.

 

I don't know why she thinks you being ok with her sexuality is an ok to have sex with someone else...

[JoeWho]

It is cheating and opens the door for her cheating with other guys which I am sure you would not like too much. Only way it wouldn't be cheating is if she talked to you before she did it and you said it was ok.

[kellbell]

Cheating is a relative matter. If it is cheating to YOU, yes, then it is cheating. To me yes, that is cheating. It is engaging in a sexual act with someone else, behind your back. The same rules still apply...cheating is most certainly a deal breaker for me. Is it for you?

[Mythical_Suicide]

I have a whole other view on this and to me It all depends.. in alot of relationships guys are okay with their gf's sleeping with other girls and don't consider it cheating. To me having any type of sexual relationship with ANYONE other than your partner is cheating. My question to you is, have you ever let on that you would be okay with her sleeping with another girl? Im not saying it's right either way but I know you stated int he beginning of your post that you were okay with her being bisexual as long as she didn't "replace" you. To me, if I was in that mindset that wouldb egiving me the okay to do so even though I never would. Maybe she did mean it when she said if she knew you would have a problem with it she never would have done it to begin with but you know her better than anyone I personally believe she was being honest, otherwise she could have just hidden it from you. Thats just my .02.

[Tears May Fall]

Maybe she did mean it when she said if she knew you would have a problem with it she never would have done it to begin with but you know her better than anyone I personally believe she was being honest, otherwise she could have just hidden it from you. Thats just my .02.

 

Thats exactly the issue here, that she clearly states that she only went ahead with it thinking that i DIDNT MIND IT AT ALL. She was under the impression that it would not bother me. I guess I wasnt so clear with what i meant or even expected when i told her i was ok with her being bisexual. I guess at first, being a guy and all, i thought it was kinda cool. I guess I didnt realize how much it would bother me until it actually happened. I didnt think another female would pose a threat to me, but now I totally do.

 

I was never in this sort of situation. I never had a bisexual gf so i never had to worry about this. The bisexual behavior has long been a part of her life. But now she states she is willing to let that all go to be only with me. She did state that she wouldnt have just openly told me like that right when she returned if she thought i would be upset about it. She didnt look it at that way. But nonetheless, to me, its fullfledged cheating. Engaging in a sexual act with anyone but your partner is cheating.

I could tell her its ok to do anything she wants, and give her the green light to do so. That doesnt mean she has to do it. If she went ahead and did it, its because she wanted to and didnt care about being sexually explicit with only me.

That fact that she did it makes me now feel like i wasnt sexually satisfying her, and if i were to take her back, i would live with that thought in my mind for a very long time.

[kellbell]

Let me ask this, since her bi-sexuality is a special circumstance, did you both discuss what constitutes cheating? It is different for every couple. When my boyfriend and I decided to be exclusive and we had this discussion and he mentioned, hypothetically since I am heterosexual but he was covering all his bases, that me being with another woman is cheating to him.

 

So, my question is, did you have this discussion? If you did and you laid down your boundries, then heck yeah, you have every right to be mad and consider it cheating. If not, then you are kind of both at fault. If you never discussed it, then getting mad after the fact seems pointless. You both went on by assumptions and we know that saying is about assuming...

[Day_Walker]

I dont believe it is important to state whether or not it is cheating. If this is something that you are not willing to accept then you need to inform her of that. Unless I was in a casual relationship with this girl, I would break up with her because she has caused me to lose trust in her.

[Tears May Fall]

It is cheating and opens the door for her cheating with other guys which I am sure you would not like too much. Only way it wouldn't be cheating is if she talked to you before she did it and you said it was ok.

 

She states it was not predisposed or anything. She states it "just sponteaneously" happpened. She did not say anything before she was leaving. However in the past we had discussed this issue, and im not sure how i worded it or how she took it, but i think i might have actually stated i was ok with her doing stuff with another female, because i felt a female didnt pose a threat to me. She had made out with one of my friends gf at a club right in front of me, and it didnt bother me. But this i felt like she did totally behind my back, while she was away in another country, while im here missing her and anxiously anticipating her return.

Upon returning, her greeting towards me was entirely lackluster, barely even said hi and gave me a lousy tap kiss, not even a hug. She states she had the runs and was only thinking about getting home and running to the bathroom. I dont buy this. If she really missed me, a 5 second hug wouldnt have ended the world and made her go in her pants. She didnt go the whole 30 minute drive from the airport to home. Hmm...

[rocio]

If you never discussed it, then getting mad after the fact seems pointless.

 

You can't discuss all possible scenarios in a relationship. I think it's pretty safe to assume that having sex with another human being is off limits, unless otherwise discussed.

 

If for no other reason, even just to be safe!

 

I think the mistake was 100% hers. If she was planning to continue to sleep with women while being in an otherwise monogamous relationship, then the burden was on her to bring it up and clarify the issue.

[darkpumpkin]

I have gone out with many guys who have expressed to me that they would encourage me having sex with another girl,it but when they discover I've shared only a kiss with a girl they go into a jealouse rage.

 

Even if you view girl on girl porn it might have given your girlfriend the inclination that it would be alright if it happened just once.

 

It is still cheating though and it still hurts.

If it was me I would ask myself. Can I forgive this hurt and can I accept what turns that person on.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I could tell her its ok to do anything she wants, and give her the green light to do so. That doesnt mean she has to do it. If she went ahead and did it, its because she wanted to and didnt care about being sexually explicit with only me.

 

That is true, I agree 100% but at the same time if you tell her you're okay with her doing something I understand where you believe that she should be like "well I love him and Im not going to do it" But more than likely she's the girl who has the nice relationship with a guy and girls on the side is just fun for other sexual encounters. You need to make it clear to her you don't think it's okay and you aren't comfortable with her doing it. You can't just be like i'm okay with you messing around with another girl but get mad when she does it? Ya know?

 

At this point you have to decide if you can accept and move on that this did happen. can you forgive her?Those are the questions only you can answer.

[rocio]

Even if you view girl on girl porn it might have given your girlfriend the inclination that it would be alright if it happened just once.

 

Where is the logic in that? Since when does viewing porn give you permission to carry out that act with another person??? Fantasy v.s. Reality

[Mythical_Suicide]

You can't discuss all possible scenarios in a relationship. I think it's pretty safe to assume that having sex with another human being is off limits, unless otherwise discussed.

 

If for no other reason, even just to be safe!

 

I think the mistake was 100% hers. If she was planning to continue to sleep with women while being in an otherwise monogamous relationship, then the burden was on her to bring it up and clarify the issue.

 

 

That is true you can't discuss every aspect but he told her he was okay with her being bisexual, thereforeeee maybe he shoul dhave made it clear to her that being with another chic was off limits as well. Maybe I see this froma different point of view because I have alot of bisexual friends who are in relationships as well as me personally but if you're going to tell someone you're okay with certain things you need to set a boundary of what you are okay with.

 

 

As with my bf and I , we have talked about it and he is okay with me kissing another girl but nothing more than that. It was something that was talked about very early on in our relationship I made sure i knew his comfort zone.

[DJ_Element]

For what it's worth, while it is still technically cheating, you have to look at it deeply from within. Sure, she had sex with another person but - and i'm sure some people will disagree with me here - she did do a few things right, and you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. Firstly she did tell you pretty much straight away what happened, apparently without being too vague. While the "excuse" does seem a bit flimsy, it is still a 'feasible' one especially since alcohol was consumed which obviously clouds the judgement a little bit. I suspect that at the time, because she knew that you knew about her bisexuality and were okay with the thought of it, you wouldn't be upset with her for doing so. Not that it was the right decision, but it's not necessarily the "wrong" decision, but a simple "bad" decision.

 

Personally, i don't think you should persecute her for what happened, i think that based on the circumstances she deserves another chance, but keep an eye on her.

 

To sum up, what Mythical Suicide said supports my thoughts: "Maybe she did mean it when she said if she knew you would have a problem with it she never would have done it to begin with but you know her better than anyone I personally believe she was being honest, otherwise she could have just hidden it from you." - simple as that.

 

I think you need to talk to her and tell her that you are prepared to forgive her for the mistake she made but she needs to realise that it's only okay if she does this while you're around too, because you're in a relationship. Tell her she's important to you and tell her that your relationship is important to you and i'm pretty certain this won't happen again, and your relationship could even get stronger because of it.

 

Then again, what do I know? I can't even work up the courage to tell a girl how i feel about her

 

Good luck with it!

[darkpumpkin]

Where is the logic in that? Since when does viewing porn give you permission to carry out that act with another person??? Fantasy v.s. Reality

 

It is not permission. But if I knew my boyfriend knew I was bi, accepted I was bi, and got off to the same thing I was into it would be one more reason why I wouldn't think it would hurt him as much as it has.

 

Reality: people assume a lot more and act on those assumptions before learning the truth.

[rocio]

I think we're all bi. And who doesn't think it's hot to see 2 beautiful women going at each other???

[Tears May Fall]

I kinda bite myself in right now because i didnt know that it would actually make me this uncomfortable her being with another female. I didnt view it so dramatically until it actually happened. I was being blind to the fact that she is trying to make her way into wanting something else on the side away from me by asking me if i was alright with that, and i fell for it.

 

My take on it: I screwed up by not knowing exactly where the boundaries should be set and directing the script after the scene is already shot. It doesnt make a difference at this point. What happened, happened.

 

The thing that bothers me, is only this, why did she have to go venturing outside of us? Is she just making excuses saying she only did it because i "said it was ok," or is that just her excuse to get away with murder. Did she really actually want it? Because if she wanted me, and only me (the way a true faithful relationship should be) then she the thought shouldnt have even crossed her mind to get sexual with someone else, let alone actually going forth with it. If she thought about it and let it happen, then to me, it makes me feel as though in someway or another, she wasnt fully satisfied from me. And thats the part i dont know how to get over.

I could trust her on not doing it again. Its trusting that she wants me and only me and that i provide her with 100% of her needs in every way possible, and the thought wouldnt even cross her mind that she would wonder or desire it ever again. This insecurity would be what would kill me if i were to forgive her and give her another chance.

[Tears May Fall]

I think we're all bi. And who doesn't think it's hot to see 2 beautiful women going at each other???

 

Seeing it is different from finding out its going on behind on your back while your partner is away on a trip, and they tell you all theyre doing is thinking bout you and missing you and you doing the same, and they come and tell you this

 

I can see where you are coming from, because that is the exact reason why at first i think i said i was ok with, because i was being immature thinking it was "hot" but i didnt realize how it would actually only hurt our relationship and make me feel extremely uncomfortable and disrespected.

 

Even my thought on threesomes within the last year has changed. Every guy states that would be their ultimate fantasy, but it can actually ruin a relationship, friendship, etc. Becareful what you do, because you dont know how it can turn on you until it might be too late.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Honestly, before my bf and I talked about his comfort level and things he was okay with me doing he was all up for me being with another girl and so on but when it came down to it he got the same way you are now.. Talk was good but when it came to actions he got jealous and upset given I never took it to the level your gf did but I fooled around with another girl because, well my bf said it was okay. I didnt do it because I dont love him it's just something different with being together with a female he told me he was okay with it so what? After was said and done I feel like crap to this day because it hurt him.