No Contact?

[Allen Jefferson]

Thanks for helping!

[Honey Pumpkin]

Some of her qualities started to change over the last 12 months and I strated finding myself wondering why I even married her. She is a very strong willed woman who wants to be independent if need be, but she relaxed all that when she moved 250 miles with me from college to my hometown. She entrusted me with everything, including her heart. I can honestly say I love her more than life itself and would do anything for her, but I just couldnt go on with the faking the romance and that anymore. We barely had sexual relations anymore.

 

I can't quite work out why you've ended the relationship. Did you ever have a strong sexual relationship, or do you think you were always best suited as friends? I think I'm with your ex, I can't understand why you want to end it so abruptly. Have you both tried couple counselling? Have you tried to resolve your problems?

 

I find it difficult to be sympathetic, to be honest, with lines like this:

I am in shock! We have shared everything for 7 years and she says its all or nothing. I can understand to a degree, I cant have my cake and eat it too...but I am losing a bestfriend here!

 

Seriously, what were you expecting? You have rejected someone you love pretty cruelly, of course she is going to cut you out of her life. Are you sure that this is over? Because I think once she goes, that will be it. It sounds awfully like you are ending this quite lightly. Is there some reason behind your change of feelings? Maybe I've picked you up wrongly?

[LostInMyThoughts]

I'm sure what you feel is normal. You obviously still have feelings for her, but she is shutting you out completely.

 

What I don't understand is why do you seem so bothered by it? You're the one leaving her.

 

I think your ex is right about the feelings fading after a while--No Contact will definitely help. Out of sight, out of mind, they say.

[jimthzz]

no offense, but you are an idiot. You blew it.

 

You married her and moved her 250 miles away then decide you want some different honey but you still want her in your life too?

 

She can't handle being backbenched and made the right decision -- to move out of your life entirely.

 

I predict a short life to this new thing you got going. I further predict you'll try to go sniffing around the ex.

 

But you know what? She won't have you back. She's not a backbencher for anybody.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

While I have fallen in love with another woman

 

I am gathering from this sentence that you are cutting your wife loose to be with another woman who you fell in love with? No wonder your wife wants nothing to do with you...you betrayed her. You really can't have it both ways and it is unfair of you to expect her to be your friend when you are not behaving like a loyal friend to her. If you are indeed seeing someone else, I can see that in the next 6-12 months, once the new relationship becomes less exciting, you will really start to regret your decision.

[friscodj]

Hey chick-

 

Well, your 99% surety in the correctness of your decision situation cannot be denied...but that remaining 1% is going to be really put to the test here...

 

She is absolutely doing the right thing in a situation like this. All or nothing is the way to go here. I know you are hurting too, even though you are deciding to end this, as everyone will suffer here in their own ways. Just remember your conviction and the reasons for such in your decision and not make the mistake equating such pain, suffering, grief, and separation anxiety with "Well, if I hurt this much, we must be right for each other." You would be inviting her on a trip to the emotional amusement park and the rollercoaster should you start wavering in this decision and only make it worse for her.

 

Everyone will hurt here, and sorry to say, you are not going to get everything you want here. You should start learning to bear the thoughts of not speaking to her, because I think given your professed love for her, the best thing you can do for her is give her the space, freedom, and discretion to grieve and deal with this situation how she sees fit. That is the greatest gift you could give her under these circumstances.

 

So I say get the divorce take care of as quickly as possible and start the grieving process, constantly reminding yourself of the basis of this decision beyond the immediate feelings of grief and pain. Realize you won't have what you want from her or the situation anymore and let go of the notion of having everything go the way you want it to here, namely with contact with her.

[LittleLion24]

Wait a minute: Did you say you've fallen in love with another woman? And you're wondering why your ex doesn't want contact and is telling you it's all or nothing?

 

I'm thoroughly confused............anyone else?

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

 

I agree w/ the other posters; I am sorry to say you're being very insensitive and selfish.

 

You pull the rug out from under your wife's feet by telling her you no longer love her and are, in fact, in love with someone else and YET you're upset that she's refusing to be your friend and says she won't ever talk to you again?

 

If I may ask, what did you expect her to say? Just because she is independent, NOT jealous, as a rule, likes sports, fits in w/ the other guys, and lets you do your own thing, she is NOT one of the guys: she is your wife, who deserves your love and respect.

 

If you expected her to say, "Yeah, honey, it's okay if you don't love me anymore. Go ahead and be w/ that other person and down the road, if that doesn't work out, y'know I'll be here waiting for your return"??, you are deluding yourself.

 

She should not have to hang her hopes on the 1% chance that you may be wrong about your decision and stick around for you to come back.

 

Sorry, you may disagree w/ my viewpoint but this is my two cents worth.

[blender]

just know that this "newness" with this "new" woman in your life will wear off in time, and that you will probably go through this same stage with HER, that you are going through with your wife. Remember no matter where YOU go there YOU are.

 

You talk alot about YOUR feelings and what YOU want in your post, did you ever lovingly go to your wife and say, "I love you, and I'm afraid things have changed between us, I'm not happy, we should talk about this, and make an effort, go to therapy?"

 

You're walking away from a precious incredible woman, a woman with whom you share a respectful, loving, history and you're doing so without having made an effort to save it, work on it, talk it through in marriage counseling.

 

And she is absolutely doing the right thing by choosing no contact, that is antoher example of her classiness, independence, self respect, and integrity. Good luck finding those amazing character qualities in another woman.

 

As far as your "sex life" goes, you both let it slide, and die, but it can be rejuvinated with therapy, love, understanding and talking through all the hurts, disappointments, and unhealthy routine you both let happen.

 

However, you have this "new" woman in your life, and for right now, your wife, well NO woman can compete with "newness".. but eventually that "newness" will wear off, and there you'll be with the same issues, YOUR own issues, your inability to communicate when you are disappointed etc.. and your lack of effort to fight for someone you love...

 

I would seriously go see a therapist before you let go of something as precious as what you have with your wife... but you can not hang on to her, or work it out with her, IF you choose to take the path of least resistance and fall for the "newness" of this other woman.

 

What is so wonderful and different about this "new" woman you have fallen for? And why is it "okay" for her to be in a relationship with a "still married" man? Would your wife make a choice like this? Do you respect your own behavior, and that of this "new" woman? Will you trust that this "new" woman won't cheat on you, she's already proven that she doesn't see "marriage" as sacred by getting invovled with you in the first place..right?

 

You are repsonsible for the standards and values you nurture, protect and fight for in your life.. without making an "effort' to save your marriage, and work through all the misunderstandings, the lack of communication..well.. this is not an issue that will "go away" for you in the new relaitonship.. it is YOU that let this happen with your wife.. it's not only HER issue...and she's so hurt, devastated, and your choice in showing her no respect or effort says so much more about what YOU are NOT willing to give to a relationship then it will ever say about HER.

 

I hope you take some time to re-gain some perspective on all this.. your wife sounds like a respectful, classy, loving, indepedent, wonderful woman... and she deserves a man who has the courage to come to her "before" it got this destroyed... and WAAAY before he CHOOSES to involve another woman.. If this is behavior you are proud of, then your wife needs to leave you now and build a life within her own values standards that SHE IS proud of....and that would mean she is mature, and responsible, and realistic and should have "no contact" with you, should you choose to let her go without making a loving respectful effort to exclusively save the relationship.

[Allen Jefferson]

Thanks for helping!

[JoeWho]

I agree with the other posters. You are very selfish and insensitive. Poor you for feeling a little hurt, just imagine how she feels. Good for her for telling you all or nothing. She deserves better than you!!!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I agree with the other posters but this one sentence in your post confuses me...

 

"Some of her qualities started to change over the last 12 months and I strated finding myself wondering why I even married her."

 

Was the before or after you asked for a divorce? Or was this why you fell in love with another woman? Quite frankly, I feel she made many sacrifices for you and perhaps she got a little homesick? But then you mentioned she calmed down after you moved. Don't you think you are throwing the towel a little prematurely? I mean, wedding vows are something to fight for. I just do not feel you have tried everything. Is it because you are lusting after someone else? Just because you have feelings for someone else, does NOT mean you have to act on them. We are human.

 

If I was your wife, I would be utterly crushed. She is right asking all or nothing and her reaction is normal. If you do not have any kids, then why would NC be unusual after the divorce is final?

[LLammas]

I agree with the other posters- you're being incredibly selfish! What right do you have to whine about not getting a second change with her if this is a mistake!? You cannot dictate the actions of others. She's giving you just what you asked for, and she has every right to decide not to speak to you again.

 

If you're that hung up about her leaving, reconsider the divorce. Either way, you've made your bed and you have to lie in it.

[blender]

"IN love" is a temporary state of mind.. "real authentic love" takes time, effort, communication, realistic expectations, shared values, nurturing when illness arises, building a future, encouragement of each others individual goals, trust, respect, honesty.. which of those admirable qualities can you apply to your marriage, and which ones can you apply to your "new" reltaionship, and which ones can you apply to yourself?

[LostInMyThoughts]

Oh my gosh. Who carese if you agree with the other posters. He didn't come here asking to be judged. Keep your judgements to yourself. They're not helping anyone.

 

If he's moved on in his mind, no amount of belittling or namecalling is going to make him change.

 

Whether or not it's a mistake, is not the issue. He didn't ask, he doesn't care. He wanted to know if this was normal response. Not to be called a jerk.

 

While I'm sure his wife is going through hell, she's not the one asking for advice.

[kellbell]

So, after what you posted about this new girl, you are just going to give up on your marriage? Stick around on eNotAlone for a while and you will see that the grass is not greener on the other side. Statistically speaking, relationships born out of affairs have a 5% chance of surviving. Their basic foundation is build on lies, deciet, and pretense. Plus, in this kind of relationship you are having with this new woman has no reality to it, no mortgage/rent, bills, work, couples' issues it in....it is all fantasy and lust.

 

I am sorry but I am utterly confused by your thread. You are cheating on your wife but you are confused as to why your wife would want NC after the divorce? I am just not following. I know you mentioned she does not know but still...

[Silentlyfor]

Oh my gosh. Who carese if you agree with the other posters. He didn't come here asking to be judged. Keep your judgements to yourself. They're not helping anyone.

 

If he's moved on in his mind, no amount of belittling or namecalling is going to make him change.

 

Whether or not it's a mistake, is not the issue. He didn't ask, he doesn't care. He wanted to know if this was normal response. Not to be called a jerk.

 

While I'm sure his wife is going through hell, she's not the one asking for advice.

 

We're just telling him straight. Mabey being honest and forthright with him will encourage him to change. But I think what the other posters are trying to do is show that his wife is not in the wrong for the pain he's feeling.

 

And, you know what, your post does confound me quite a bit. As a person that has been left by somebody that he loved dearly without a good reason why, you should be somewhat ashamed that you feel bad about leaving her. Sorry man, but if I were her, I would also do No Contact. Why would I put up with a person like that?

[LostInMyThoughts]

We're just telling him straight. Mabey being honest and forthright with him will encourage him to change. But I think what the other posters are trying to do is show that his wife is not in the wrong for the pain he's feeling.

 

And, you know what, your post does confound me quite a bit. As a person that has been left by somebody that he loved dearly without a good reason why, you should be somewhat ashamed that you feel bad about leaving her. Sorry man, but if I were her, I would also do No Contact. Why would I put up with a person like that?

 

Thats just it, what makes you think it's your job to set him straight? Or not to pick on you, what job is it for ENA members to set him straight. He's not here to be set straight. He didn't ask us if he was being a jerk.

 

WHy should he feel ashamed? If he's not happy, he's not happy. Would I do things differently? Absolutely, but it's not about me, or you, or anyone else. It's about the OP and his situation.

 

I just take exception to this whole attitude where if you don't agree with an OP, you have to attack them by calling them selfish, or a jerk, or whatever.

 

Get off your high horses. We don't know the full story, so we have no right to make judgements. ENA is suppose to be a supportive environment, where people can look for advice from others who might have delt with similar issues. Not one where we attack people when we disagree with them and what they're doing.

[kellbell]

Hey all,

 

Unfortunately, infidelity strikes a sensitive cord in many people on this forum and perhaps things can get carried away as many people here are victims of it. I believe his ACTIONS and BELIEFS are selfish and that is a big difference from calling HIM selfish. On public forums, we run the risk of these kinds of things.

 

But I do agree, let's to try to stay on topic and refrain from calling the OP names. We are all here to help and support. Let us continue to do so.

[friscodj]

I'm with you Lost...

 

The situation is what it is. The man's post is confused because he is confused as well. I'm sure he wants to love and be happy with his wife but he is not, and given that established situation and given the time that has passed with these feelings, I'm quite sure any hopes for reconciliation with his wife are gone. He is being honest with himself, showing compassion, and given the set of established circumstances regardless of source, doing the right thing by letting his wife go vs. keeping her in her loving and thus vulnerable state "around", lying to her, lying to himself, and wasting everyone's time with misdirected emotional energy. He set the fire but that doesn't preclude him from feeling the heat.

 

The cheating aspect of this I'm sure we all disagree with and I think it speaks to the truth of the situation that he is not happy with his marriage or in love with his wife. That is done, that decision has been made, it can't be taken back. It is established, and as much as we all disagree with it, it is what it is.

 

He is asking for future direction here and I think he's gotten good advice here on that. He's paying his emotional dues with this now and will continue to do so down the line I'm sure in whatever way life deems fit. I feel for both him and his wife and I sincerely wish them each the best.

[Ellie2006]

My apologies to the OP for accusing him of being selfish and insensitive; as Kellbell pointed out, there's a difference between saying he is selfish and his actions/attitude are, which is a distinction I failed to make in my initial post.

[kadvati79]

I posted elsewhere that one man's heartbreak is another man's lovestory. We all do stupid and insensitive things. The OP's infidelity is heartbreaking for his current wife. But love crops up in the most unusual of places, and sometimes in the most inappropriate of ways.

 

I'm pretty sure the OP agrees what happens wasn't "right", but once these things start it just feels so right. Now maybe its just the newness of this other relationship that is more attractive, maybe it all will end in tears, but thats something he has to find out for himself and for all we know... that relationship might work out.

 

To the OP: I think No-contact really is best for all parties, at least for a while, until things settle a bit. This is also really important for your new love interest. You want to be able to focus your attention on her now and she should be your new best friend. Regardless of how you got into this situation, the most important thing is to make the best of it. That means cleaning the break as best as possible, letting you both recover, and establishing a friendship in future only once the "dust has settled".

 

I think your wife, to you, went from being your lover to your best-friend. This is common for most dumpers. Its not they don't want to be around the person, its that their status has changed. But you have to remember that your ex does not experience this same process, they can't simply "change status" no matter how much they want too.

[hosswhispra]

Whenever I try to understand a situation, I try to put myself in the other person's shoes, so to speak. If you want to understand why your wife wants to go no contact, I suggest you think of this (a little empathy exercise)---look at the current situation as though you were in your wife's shoes. This is what I would do: imagine that the new woman that you're currently with and in love with tells you one day that she wants to break up with you--and she's got another man in the wings that you don't know about yet---would you want to remain in contact with her? Think of it from this perspective and I am pretty sure you will understand your wife's excellent decision to go no contact.

 

Good luck with everything.

 

hosswhispra

[blender]

Again, it's always a nice reminder to say to ourselves "happiness is a choice".. and during your marriage once you realized YOU were "not happy" THEN it was time to have the respect to talk to your wife.. and see if maybe she was feeling a bit of unhappiness herself too...

 

But instead you avoided this responsiblity during your marriage and chose to just little by little, give up, and let it all go and get more distant, and then MADE A CHOICE to have the "affair".. ugh..

 

And yes it's a "choice" because during all marriage there is so many times when there is an "outside" attraction, flirtation, chemistry with someone else, whether it be at work or a party, it's always there, we're human, but what separates the quality of character is those that choose NOT to act on those feelings IF they are in a committted relationship already.

 

I know people say "love happens", but we also are fully responsible for making a choice to go outside of a relationship and "cheat" just so we do not have to face what is making "unhappy".. so the affair becomes a "bandaid' on a much bigger wound...

 

and eventually your "unhappiness" will resurface, because you haven't taken the self respecting, honest approach to do the "right" thing for yourself, within your marriage, and to address the "unhappiness issues" with respect, honesty, and communication. This is something you will carry into the new relationship as well.. because this is about YOU, not about the marriage..

 

If your spouse is in the dark so to speak as to all you are feeling, then who's responsibility is it that YOU are unhappy, and not getting what you want from the relationship? YOURS. Because authentic love is not magic, it's takes effort, communication, honesty, commitment, nurturing...

 

Did you ever respectfully, lovingly, tell your wife at ANY point, "we need to get some help, or advice, because I'm worried about us, I'm not feeling so good about our marriage, I feel like we've drifted apart, let's talk about this or go seek some therapy together".

 

Did she ever get the loving chance to hear what you were feeling, negative or positive??? That is why she is so hurt, because you let go of the marriage a long time ago without ever having the courage or self respect to talk to her about it... didn't she at least deserve this after all the years she's given to you?

 

Eventually the "newness" with this new girl will wear off, and the doubt, sadness, routine will settle back into your life, and you will wonder why you made a choice to blindly take the path of least resistance because it was just "more exciting for you" at the time...

 

and quite honestly how will you and this new girl ever feel a long term sense of trust, based on how you've both MADE A CHOICE to get involved with each other while thier was someone else heart involved.

 

Remember if the new girl will do this with you, she has a strong potential to do it to you. And she should know that if you'll do this affair with her, you have the potential and lack of respect to do it to her as well.

 

You both have proven that this is at the core of your character.. and honestly I don't know how you can build authentic trusting love with those choices as your foundation...

 

Your wife will be fine, she will grow past all this, and love again...

 

And you will end up running into yourself again... and until you make a choice to address your emotions in a direct respectful way with whomever you love...well.. you'll be going in a circle.. and you will lose many precious people along the way.. and most importantly you will lose a sense of YOURSELF...

 

I know right now you can not see beyond the "unhappiness you LET evolve in your marriage" and the "lust/love/infatuation/newness" of the current girl..

 

but I do hope you take a moment to really look at 'yourself" in all this, and some of the choices you are making... you deserve to be happy, but that happiness can only come from inside of you, based on the choices you make, the willingness to work at love, and to respectfully communicate and honestly address issues that may arise with understanding and loyalty to the relationship... and it starts with understanding and having great respect and empathy for your wife, a woman who has loved you, knows you, been there for you, for so many years, transitions, and I'm sure she never had the respect from you to know that you were 'unhappy" and the chance to "work on it together to save the marriage".. that is where so much of her sadness is from, you never gave the marriage a respectful chance to be worked on AFTER you told the of your "issues of unhappiness" you kept them secret... and then went to another woman to confide in....wow, that's so difficult...

 

I wish you the best, and I know your wife will be okay, and beter off than being in a relationship where she only knows "half the story" of who you are, and what you were feeling at any given time.. perhaps you will both learn from this.. I hope so.. best, Blender

[onelittleladybug]

I completely and absolutely agree with everything Blender just said. I wish I could be that nice to you. I usually try to keep my opinions to myself on this board, there are many situations and some of them hard to understand. But this time I cant keep it to myself. Im just in awe of your post.

 

You say that your wife changed 12 months ago and that you have been cheating on her for 9 months. That means that only 3 months after you noticed a change in your wife you went to someone else. And thats after 6 years together.

 

I'd go back and change the moment I started to feel this way if I could because I am losing so much...

 

What separates human beings from animals is the ability to not give into any emotion or desire that we experience. You were fully able to change your feelings at any point. It just takes determination and character.

 

I just wanted to know if the No Contact was really legit even after being married and together for 7 years total.

 

I dont really think you have a right to an opinion on whether its "appropriate" or "fair" that she can leave without talking to you. In your OP you express regret over losing your best friend (her). Well you betrayed your best friend. Just like she has no power over the fact that you cheated on her and left her without trying to work things out, you have no power over her choice - the things she has to do to heal. Your wife deserves so much better than this.