Isn't Dating Supposed to Be FUN?????

[CaliGirl77]

We are all looking for love, right?? The great quest we all seek........it is a fact that we have to weed through the bad to find the good.....to find that "connection".

 

Correct me if I am wrong here, but it seems as though most of us miss out on the "fun" of dating, and get right to the bad/scary parts a little too fast.......does he/she like me?, or why hasn't he/she called? And we seem so good at picking out all the flaws, but have we forgotten that we are all different?

 

I recently took a step back, and told myself that this is "dating", and it's actually pretty fun! We end up with great stories and adventures........sometimes heartache, yes, but that is part of the risk we take, right?

 

Any thoughts or opinions on this? I always look forward to the wonderful diversity here on ENA.

[Beec]

Agreed, absolutely. We end up having lots of expectations and it weighs down what fun should exist during a date. The person with fewer expectations, the one who can end a date and say, "no, not them, NEXT" has it easy, because they have less in the way of expecations. If you cand ate them and not wait by the phone, or even say yes to someone else before they call again, then you are doing better. When you begin having them, when you see your date, yourself, and a nice picket fence, then you are setting yourself up for failure and misery.

 

When a relationship begins, you also need to not expect much from it. Enjoy it. Not much else.

[chai714]

As far as dating goes, it is fun. The only person who puts pressure on you, is you. Taking a step back and looking at all the types of people I've met has really been adventuresome and fun.

 

Many come here immediately after a heartbreak and the last word they want to hear is "date." And that's okay because healing is a process like anything else, which often requires the passage of time to repair ones self-esteem. But as a whole, once you get back into the dating game it can bring you many stories as well as teach you lessons to improve upon yourself and your game.

[hosswhispra]

Dating can be tiresome. I multi-dated this past summer and would come out of the dates with a headache. The men I dated assumed I would lead the conversation (all except 1--which I actually enjoyed). All those dating books say that women are supposed to lead the conversation---I guess that makes me somewhat masculine...I don't know. That was a LARGE assumption--if they did indeed make that assumption (since I am a listener and add things in when I want to/feel appropriate). So yeah, after feeling that I had to talk (for 1-2 hour long coffee dates)...I'd come out of the date feeling light headed (from talking straight) and my mouth would be all dry--and my lips chapped. I'd end up going home and drinking lots of water and taking an ibuprofen or Tylenol. That's why I always like/suggest action dates (i.e. doing something where you don't have to talk all the time and lead the conversation--like going to a museum, an aquarium, the racetrack, a hike, ice-skating etc....then I can see dating as being fun). But I always end up on these 'coffee dates' which I actually dread the thought of now!

[CaliGirl77]

So many different books on how we should act, and tips, and anything else we need to hear at the moment.

 

Just be yourself.

[hosswhispra]

So many different books on how we should act, and tips, and anything else we need to hear at the moment.

 

Just be yourself.

 

I know CaliGirl, it's become almost pathological with me now. In everyday life at work, with my friends, my family, my horses---I am myself--I am one to follow my feelings! But put myself in any type of dating situation I don't now how 'to be' almost. It's kinda hilarious, actually. I think I need a withdrawal period from all the dating books I read. All those books make me wonder how people get together in the first place

[Beec]

I guess that makes me somewhat masculine...

 

That's why I always like/suggest action dates (i.e. doing something where you don't have to talk all the time and lead the conversation--like going to a museum, an aquarium, the racetrack, a hike, ice-skating etc....then I can see dating as being fun). But I always end up on these 'coffee dates' which I actually dread the thought of now!

 

Hosswhispra,

 

I'd hardly call you masculine, and doubt you could be called that at all, but you may be closer to masculine in this trait. Maybe this is also a factor of being a so close to your sister? It may be that you two learned to communicate without langauge? That's just speculation.

 

Action dates are a great idea. Men usually bond by doing things, while women tend to bond by talking. So, doing things with a guy, you may have him bond to you quickly.

 

Finding a date that you can do and get in and out of within and hour, and that has some action might be a good idea, but I don't think I can suggest one.

[CaliGirl77]

 

Action dates are a great idea. Men usually bond by doing things, while women tend to bond by talking. So, doing things with a guy, you may have him bond to you quickly.

 

Finding a date that you can do and get in and out of within and hour, and that has some action might be a good idea, but I don't think I can suggest one.

 

Action dates, yes!! Those are so fun!!!! Good idea!!!!!

 

Rockclimbing, horse-riding, snowboarding, sailing, etc.......

[hosswhispra]

Hosswhispra,

 

I'd hardly call you masculine, and doubt you could be called that at all, but you may be closer to masculine in this trait. Maybe this is also a factor of being a so close to your sister? It may be that you two learned to communicate without langauge? That's just speculation.

 

Action dates are a great idea. Men usually bond by doing things, while women tend to bond by talking. So, doing things with a guy, you may have him bond to you quickly.

 

Finding a date that you can do and get in and out of within and hour, and that has some action might be a good idea, but I don't think I can suggest one.

 

Beec maybe you hit on something....me and my twin are close. We can be in each other's presense and not have to even state in words what we're thinking or feeling. When I go out with my girlfriends--I am the one that listens and adds when I want to. I observe how girly they are when they chat. I don't have that girly quality. So if I have to girly chit-chat or talk on the phone, that utterly EXHAUSTS me and makes me so light headed. I don't mind listening to it but just doing it---argh...can't do it...hurts my head/drys my mouth out/chaps my lips too much

 

Oh--a perfect 1 hour activity: going to a rock-climbing gym, or a walk in a park... Lots of fun!

[Juha]

I really like doing something on a date than just sitting there and talking...

 

Don't really like coffee dates... Problem is alot of women don't want or don't feel comfortable doing those action dates...

[hosswhispra]

I really like doing something on a date than just sitting there and talking...

 

Don't really like coffee dates... Problem is alot of women don't want or don't feel comfortable doing those action dates...

 

Next time suggest an action date. The women probably want to do an action type date vs. coffee date. But because of all those dating books suggesting the man should take the lead (and make the date suggestion) some women end up 'piping up' and accept a coffee date the man suggested vs. chiming in and saying---"hey, what about going rock climbing or hiking!".......

[CaliGirl77]

Not me, I love action dates. They are way more FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Beec]

Hoss, et al.,

 

Many men would have a positive view of a woman who did not talk all the time. And since I have some clue as to you doing some online dating, maybe you can prepare a little and be able to ask him questions about his interests. If I wanted to talk with you and make you feel great, and prepared to have that conversation, I would consider learning something about horses and maybe your profession, so I could ask you intelligent questions about these interests of yours and get you to talk. For example, if I asked you about horses and the drugs that horses are given these days to stop certain injuries from occurring when they race, you probably have some knowledge and an opinion. You might, if you know some of his interests, try learn a bit about them and then ask him good questions.

 

I've heard twins can communicate without talking, etc.

 

Maybe you can take a coffee date and make it mobile, i.e. drink your coffee while walking through a park.

[hosswhispra]

Hoss, et al.,

 

Many men would have a positive view of a woman who did not talk all the time. And since I have some clue as to you doing some online dating, maybe you can prepare a little and be able to ask him questions about his interests. If I wanted to talk with you and make you feel great, and prepared to have that conversation, I would consider learning something about horses and maybe your profession, so I could ask you intelligent questions about these interests of yours and get you to talk. For example, if I asked you about horses and the drugs that horses are given these days to stop certain injuries from occurring when they race, you probably have some knowledge and an opinion. You might, if you know some of his interests, try learn a bit about them and then ask him good questions.

 

^ That's excellent advice for everyone. That's what I do. When someone does their research and asks interesting questions--that helps big time.

 

 

I've heard twins can communicate without talking, etc.

 

Me and my twin had our 'own language' until we were three. But to this day, she can just look at me with a certain expression and I will pretty much understand what she is thinking or trying to convey. That's an awesome thing.

 

Maybe you can take a coffee date and make it mobile, i.e. drink your coffee while walking through a park.

 

^ Another really good suggestion, everyone. That's what I did on one of the dates...instead of walking in a park, we walked around an interesting town, stopped in a book shop and chatted for a while about roadtrips we had taken while looking at travel and map books.

[Beec]

Other good action dates: the driving range. Esp, if he plays and she does not play golf, in which case, she can ask him to show her; and shooting pool for an hour or so, if the mood works for you, you can keep going. Be careful of what someone might think if you ask for these two.

[hosswhispra]

Other good action dates: the driving range. Esp, if he plays and she does not play golf, in which case, she can ask him to show her; and shooting pool for an hour or so, if the mood works for you, you can keep going. Be careful of what someone might think if you ask for these two.

 

Do you know that one of the best dates I had during school was when the guy took me to play pool in the student center. I had no idea how to play....he showed me and I was hooked. Even though we stopped dating, I did not stop playing pool at school. I used to go all the time with my girlfriends the night before any exam---it was a great stress buster. I had a great time. So yeah, I like the pool idea. I love to go to the driving range, too. That's something I will keep in mind.

 

But why do you advise to "be careful of what someone might think if you ask for these two"?

[Beec]

Well, if a woman asked a man to shoot pool, it might come accross wrong to some men, esp. if you intended to do it in a bar. If you are already in the bar, ask. If a woman seemed to be very prim or proper and asked about pool, you might find it create cognitive dissonance, which is an awesome thing for a date to have in their head about you. If she runs the risk of seeming like she hangs out in dive bars too much, then I would suggest she avoid it. Location in this instance might matter.

 

With a guy going to the driving range, make sure he plays golf or has tried or at least is not the type that would think it was snobbish. Mini golf and pitch and putt are good things to do on a date too.

[Caldus]

If I was going on multi-dates, it would be a lot more fun for me. I always seem to put too much pressure on myself. I think it is due to the fact that I rarely do get dates, and when I do, I start overanalyzing everything.

[Blue Skittles]

other fun dates i've had are bowling, country dancing, and going to listen to live jazz music.

 

By the way, thank you so much for this post. I've been feeling really bummed out about dating and didn't get response from my last post and i was left feeling really confused and depressed. Now I know not to have high expectations about dating, even if the person likes me back. Thank you.

[lilsmiles]

This was a pretty good topic to read...made me realize some things..

 

I have a question for you guys though...I really like action dates too. However, right now it's winter so that creates a problem..what are some good action dates to do during the winter. Also I live in a small town. Thanks!

[Blue Skittles]

ice skating, skiing, playing pool

[Caldus]

Ice skating is freakin' awesome. Very good choice.

[Beec]

Ice skating is freakin' awesome. Very good choice.

 

It is my number one, never fail, second date for winter in New York.

 

I do like dinner for my first date. I want to know we are compatible conversationally. And that even means that I expect a few moments of silence. If a woman needs to always fill a period of silence, yikes. And, it does give me a chance to feel her out on her values, interests, etc.

 

Second dates, imo, should be a switch, and an activity is required. Ice skating has worked every single time. It seems to work better: 1. because I grew up playing hockey; 2. the women never seemed comfortable on skates; 3. they wanted to hold onto me while skating (always good); and 4. it put a little bit of fear into them. Seems like rockclimbing might do that same.

 

How about mountain biking? or any biking?

[charley]

Quoting OP: "Isn't dating supposed to be fun?"

 

I've heard that it is allegedly is fun. I have limited dating experience and even less experience with it being fun.

 

I think most often it's scary, or uncomfortable, or boring, or any combination of those. I think the fun is the exception, but I know it can be fun since I've experienced that at least once, maybe twice. Getting hard to remember that far back.

 

I will say the trying to get a date part was becoming fun a couple months ago. Currently I'm sick. So I'm dating myself now and only myself. I hope to get back to the trying part in a month or so.

[Batya33]

It depends why you date. I only date in order to find someone to marry and start a family with. I have been that way for the last 20 years with a few exceptions (i.e. harmless flings when on vacation - i.e. no sex or even close - and about one year in the early 90s in between serious relationships where I casually dated a man I didn't see potential with because I enjoyed his company, he enjoyed mine but only for the one night a week or less he asked me out, and we didn't do much more than kiss a little).

 

So, for me dating - especially early dating - is partly work. I have to: show up on time, look nice and be nice, make polite conversation if I am not interested while finding a way to end the date early in a diplomatic way, and if I am interested I do feel insecure about whether he feels the same way and whether I can close the deal (i.e. leave where a second date is already planned).

 

The dates themselves can be loads of fun - whether because of the activities, shared laughter, chemistry, etc.

 

If I were not goal-oriented about dating, then yes it would be more fun. I am glad I am goal-oriented because otherwise I would be self-deceptive about what I truly want.

 

If I want to have carefree fun I hang out with my friends or with me.

 

(even though I use the present tense about dating, I have been dating the same man for over a year - we have a lot of fun together but also are both goal-oriented and have had serious intentions from the very beginning - he would never have started dating me had I not been serious-minded as we had dated many years ago and this was to be the second time around).