Learning to accept the lack of sex....

[FarandAway]

Hi all,

 

I am moving in with my boyfriend at the end of March. We met in August and things moved pretty fast. He however, asked me to move in a couple of months ago. I pretty much have been living with him for the past few months and we have been doing very well in that area. I feel confident about this but at the same time, I have alot of issues (which he has been very patient about) from my last relationship.

 

This is a big step for me as I was married to a serial cheater for 8 years. This is my first "real" relationship since my divorce so I am a bit freaked. However, I have been working very hard on my issues and try to remember that 90 percent of the stuff that comes up is about me.. and NOT him.

 

One thing that has been an on going problem is the frequency of sex. I have come to the realization that he is just NOT a sexual being. Yeah yeah.. I know.. you are saying but.. he is a man! I am telling you, he is unlike any man I have known. I think he has initiated sex about the 4 times since we have been together. One time he brought me upstairs and pushed me on the bed! More please!

 

I had a talk with him a few months ago because we hadn't had sex in 10 days (this is odd to me at the beginning of a relationship) and I was getting concerned. He had told me that it isn't "all about him" and that I should initiate as well. So I layed it on the line. I said "look, I am a 36 year old woman and my hormones are out of control, coupled with the fact that I am highly attracted to you so the chances of you ever getting rejected is about 1 in 10. I told him I wanted more sex. Period.

 

Our sex life seemed to improve a bit but now its back to the same. We returned from a trip out of the country on the 1st. We had sex on the 3rd and nothing since. I know we have been jet lagged.. then I got my period so its been no bueno. I craved so much closeness to him the other morning that *I* gave him a BJ. Nothing for me because I was on my period. Yippee Yay. He got up.. took a shower. I did my self a few favors .

 

I told him that every person I had ever been with, we had sex during my period and that I didn't really mind it (although I am not crazy abot it). He said, "ok, well, you just have to let me know these things"... but then nothing happened that night.. or last night. UGH!

 

The other day I suggested we get a T.V. in the bedroom and jokingly remarked we could watch porno's and he said he would rather make his own! Im thinking... why don't WE DO THAT?!?!

 

I am just going to have accept that this is how he is. He just isn't a sexual person nor is he an initiator of it. I would think he would want it more but I am just projecting my own feelings on to him. Sometimes my ego gets bruised and I think, maybe I am not that attractive to him? I know.. I know.

 

I guess it doesn't help that prior to this relationship, I had an out of this world sexual relationship for a year. I do find myself missing that when I am feeling bruised or needy.

 

I love him alot and this is huge for me considering my recovery from my marriage. Sure, I could dump him and find some guy that wants to have sex more but then what issues will *he* have? Heck, my husband and I had a great sex life up until the end but hindsight tells me that's because he always had a few girlfriends on the side to spice it up.

 

So this is me learning to accept him for who he is... I know things won't change. I guess my only worries are that at some point down the line, it might strain the relationship..especially if other big problems come up.

 

We are affectionate and love to be together... I just want more sex because once every 10 days or whatever isn't enough for me.

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"I said "look, I am a 36 year old woman and my hormones are out of control, coupled with the fact that I am highly attracted to you so the chances of you ever getting rejected is about 1 in 10. I told him I wanted more sex. Period."

 

Do you ever initiate? I have heard women in their later 30's-to early 40s are very sexual and their libido goes way up. That is what I get to look forward to! LOL If not, use that sexual energy to your advantage.

 

I see a vicious cycle going on here. He feels you should initiate and when you do not, he gets frustrated so he does not make a move. You, on the other hand reason because you are in the prime of your sexual desire, he should initiate more because there is a very slim chance of you having a "headache." But he needs to feel desired too. I do not think it is a matter of whether or not he will be rejected but he needs to feel loved and desired as well.

 

I feel both the man and the woman should initiate. Just because it is thought that men have higher sex drive and sex on their mind all the time, they should only initiate. That is very big misconception.

 

So, what I would do, initiate more if you have not already. I hope things work out.

[lipostudio]

I'm in a very similar (if slightly more complicated) boat, myself. I know how you feel! For me sex is more than sex - it's intimacy, closeness, love expressed, so when it's not happening as often as I'd like, or when I'm always the one initiating, it can hurt. However, for me I've realised that I value his other qualities more than my fantasy sex-life. I've got toys and porn of my own, so I can keep myself relatively satisfied - sometimes I just have to remind myself of what a wonderful, loving, beautiful relationship we have.

 

I'd say if you want it more, initiate it more. It's not ideal, but if that's how it's going to work and he'll give it to you when you ask, go for it.

[Aschleigh]

you have to get through to him somehow that sex is a definite in any relationship you are in.

Ask him what his views on sex are? MAybe he was raised thinking it was bad or amoral. Have you told him women are hitting our sexual peak right around 34 and that makes us akin to horny teenage boys in the sex department.

tell him like it's imperative you work this out. No sex= no relationship.

[kellbell]

An afterthought....

 

Perhaps he feels you do not find him attractive? I know you are worried that he feels that way about you...perhaps he feels the same way. I really feel you need to communicate your needs to one another. All these hidden expectations and misunderstandings is getting you both nowhere.

[anggrace]

You are not alone!!! Im having to accept the reality of my non-existant sex life as well. I tried everything I know, and I really think hes just not that into initiating it. I wish he would rip my clothes of and.... well, I wont get into that. We recently went three weeks w/o. It can be a REAL downer on your self-esteem, but you just have to not take it personally. I dont get it really.

[RayKay]

Well, I hate to say but if this is an issue now...it will get to be even bigger when you move in because it is just more hours to feel "rejected". That resentment will grow and probably will lead to other issues too...

 

When the sex is good, it is only about 5% if the importance of the relationship....when it is in a bad state, suddenly it becomes 90%....

 

He may be asexual, or he may be very stressed, or he may be hinting he does want you to initiate...who knows. I have dated a man whom like your bf was really just NOT into sex much, even though he said it was amazing with me, he just liked it less frequently as he enjoyed it more then...we were not compatible in that department as a result!

 

As you know, sex is not just about reaching that orgasm, it is also about the intimacy, the closeness, and the sharing, and when one partner is seemingly not into it, we feel rejected.

 

 

Do you initiate? If you do, does he go for it?

[itsallgrand]

I have been working very hard on my issues and try to remember that 90 percent of the stuff that comes up is about me.. and NOT him.

 

One thing that has been an on going problem is the frequency of sex.

 

I have come to the realization that he is just NOT a sexual being.

 

I am just going to have accept that this is how he is. He just isn't a sexual person nor is he an initiator of it.

 

So this is me learning to accept him for who he is... I know things won't change.

 

Hi.

 

Girl, with an attitude like that about him - is it really so hard to figure out?

 

Look: I'm not trying to be overly hard. I just want you to see how very negative you are about his sexuality.

 

That is practically castrating the poor man with words. I know, you probably never say directly to him "I do not think of you as a sexual person". At least I hope.

 

But this is what you are thinking, and your behavior and expectations are most likely communicating that loud n clear to him.

 

And that isn't exactly a turn on.

 

I hope this helps. Could have sympathized with you but I don't think that will change a thing for you.

 

Why in the world do you see as so unsexual? Is it because he treats you well?

You are used to men who aren't 'safe' and the sex was wild, right?

So maybe you found a genuine deal who feels 'safe' to you and find it hard to believe that he can also be sexual while being so good to you?

[Juha]

this seems like it will be a very big issue in the future...

 

You two may just not be compatable....

 

I for one am a very sexual person and tried to be with someone who was not

I tried to make it work but just could not as they did not like sex very much...

 

You need to look at this relationship more closely, Iknow you love him and want to make it work but it seems he is not trying to make it work on his end...

 

Things will get worse in time with this issue..

 

 

[Akatea]

I am slowly coming to terms with my BF not being as sexually needy as I am. Breakfast lunch and Dinner for me, with him happy with maybe once or twice a week. At first it upset me heaps, cause I thought it was me, but as it turns out, it was a result of some medication he had been taking for bi polar. Even now he is off the meds, the sex drive has not improved, but he is a much happier person now, and just for that reason, I can accept his lower sex drive. Hey, what are toys for anyway!

[FarandAway]

for all the responses. I read them twice. Such great advice and its good to know that others are going through the same thing.

 

To answer some of the questions... he does know i am attracted to him. I let him know all the time. One time I did initiate a while back and I could tell he wasn't into it. So I stopped and that was it. I was pretty hurt so I am a little gun shy to initiate now.

 

And while it is a misconception that men should always initiate.. I don't think he is pulling his weight at all in this category. Part of me wants to experiment and see just how long we can go without sex. If it turns into a "no sex" or very long time... then I know what I have to look forward to.

 

Someone said "no sex=no relationship"... I could say this but then what a btch I would feel.. on the other hand... this whole thing could really become a huge problem unless I figure out some other way to satisfy myself. But this isn't about the sex.. or orgasm.. its about being close to someone I love.

 

I am sorry that I see him as an unsexual being and while yes, I do realize that the sexual relationship prior isn't reality but it sure is fresh in my mind to compare to this relationship. I don't need to have my clothes ripped off to feel like a woman... I just want the man I love to take some notice of me.. the woman *he* loves.

 

Thanks all for listening.. I am sure that I will be posting in the very near future.

[sddeaston]

Kinda sounds like he is still a little shy about being sexually expressive. The comment, about the movie....made me think that. IDK... my 2 cents

[FarandAway]

Yeah but to me its all talk at this point... he knows i am open to anything..

 

All bark and no bite...

Besides, if he is still afraid to initiate something and he asking me to move in... that's a problem.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"One time I did initiate a while back and I could tell he wasn't into it. So I stopped and that was it. I was pretty hurt so I am a little gun shy to initiate now."

 

This is understandable but you cannot let this get you down after one time. I mean, can you think of a time when you were not in the mood and your partner was? It is bound to happen. It is matter of being very connected to your partner, learning to read body language.

 

I would try to initiate again and see where it leads you.