Is my new husband EVIL?

[Day_Walker]

I wouldnt say that he is evil but he obviously does not know the meaning of what an actual relationship is.

[kickedin]

my girl lost faith in me....it killed me i had a rough patch i am 28 own a business and starting 2 more i bought a 2 million dollar building and she still thinks i am unsettled......it killed me.....most people envy what i have accomplished at 28 she laughed at me because i carried a mortgage on it or i have 2 boats .....i am struggling now but digging myself out of a hole.......

 

i resented her for making me feel worthless yet everyone else just sees it as a cycle of business

 

at least he apologizes and is niceenough to communicate....appreciate that and communicate better with eachother

[v8vachon]

I do have faith in him, he is pointing fingers and turning tables.. i told him just yesterday how proud of him I am.

He is justifying his actions by saying that I do not believe in him, he feels he can get the third car garage and a playroom with a pooltable.. when I suggested the playroom to be for teh kids.. he got angry and said.. "they dont pay the bills I DO, so I get the playroom" He says I dont know my place as a wife, that someone needs to be primary and someone needs to be secondary.. i think he's on another planet!! i am not going to tolerate it..

[Siriana]

1.I think he's way too traditional for you (or any other sane woman).

2. He is used to live without making compromises.

I think he wasn't married till 36 because of these two things.

 

Also I think such deep rooted beliefs can't be erased.

[annie24]

I do have faith in him, he is pointing fingers and turning tables.. i told him just yesterday how proud of him I am.

He is justifying his actions by saying that I do not believe in him, he feels he can get the third car garage and a playroom with a pooltable.. when I suggested the playroom to be for teh kids.. he got angry and said.. "they dont pay the bills I DO, so I get the playroom" He says I dont know my place as a wife, that someone needs to be primary and someone needs to be secondary.. i think he's on another planet!! i am not going to tolerate it..

 

I guess it will have to come down to compromise. yeah, he makes the money, but if he gets the playroom, the kids will turn the living room and kitchen into a playroom. if that is what he wants, fine. I think a pool table is good, if that is what he enjoys and wants to unwind with, but it has to be put in a place that makes sense. why not make a "playroom" in the garage? like a separate room.

 

I would think (and I am not a realtor or anything), that an extra room in the garage would add to its resale value more than a space for a 3rd car. the extra room can be used as a home office, playroom, etc....

 

"primary vs. secondary." wow. was he like this before you guys got married? did you know that you would become #2?

[v8vachon]

I have always dreamed of raising my daughter in a stable home with her father, I hope this marriage can be saved, otherwise he is a great guy.. but i rather be alone than be secondary. is that wrong? he is not secondary to me.. why should i be secondary to him?

[Beec]

I do have faith in him, he is pointing fingers and turning tables.. i told him just yesterday how proud of him I am.

He is justifying his actions by saying that I do not believe in him, he feels he can get the third car garage and a playroom with a pooltable.. when I suggested the playroom to be for teh kids.. he got angry and said.. "they dont pay the bills I DO, so I get the playroom" He says I dont know my place as a wife, that someone needs to be primary and someone needs to be secondary.. i think he's on another planet!! i am not going to tolerate it..

 

Wait a second. He did not justify his actions at all. He said there was no exucse for them, so don't say he is doing so. Maybe he did, but he is not doing so in that email.

 

His comments about knowing your place, etc. need to be discussed some. Calmly. He knows he hurt you, but he did apologize. You should not tolerate such comments, but you should accept an apology.

 

And he needs not to be told what love is, but to be shown. Find a compromise, if you can. Accepting an apology is a start. Letting him know you are trying to do so, will also be one. Don't fight with him over those comments anymore. Discussing them is fine.

 

If he repeats them, then fight harder than ever before.

 

A third car garage, might be worth it, playroom for kids is worth mroe than the one with a pool table.

[kickedin]

i think he expects a first time marriage wife and you seem to be the second type "i wont settle for being submissive" granted maybe he is a bit much....sorry i am just bitter because my ex was divorced and we planned on getting married but she wanted what she wanted with him it was well we were young and in oir twenties now i am 34 i dont want to go backwards in life......

[annie24]

That's not a bad suggestion, but I would talk to realtors, not designers. If you want to know what sells for more, ask the sales people esp. when they also set the asking prices.

 

 

good point. In my specific case, my realtor actually referred me to this designer. I was hesitant to do so at first, but I think that paying for her time was one of the best decisions I made, I think it will pay off when it comes time to sell. But yeah, definitely ask people "in the know" where are the places to upgrade. Especially for your specific neighborhood. Where you upgrade will be different if you are living in a family neighborhood, or in an urban/upscale downtown neighborhood. If you are going to resell, who is your target audience?

[annie24]

I think you two definitely need to sit down and talk about marriage. Now, I'm not an expert on this either, I am single, but I would think that when you get married, you are giving up certain things. you are forming a life-long partnership with someone, and if you have kids, you also have to look out for their interests. If you always want to do what you want to do, then stay single. Something I like about being single was that I got to choose the finishes and upgrades for my home all by myself. That was nice.

 

But, when you get married, I think you need to start making decisions with the other person in mind, and do whatever is the best for the family as a whole.

 

I definitely think you two need to sit down and discuss your roles, decision making, etc.... maybe with a 3rd party present.

 

good luck

[BellaDonna]

I include you in every decision made for the family.....cause you are my wife and I love you soo much, more than any woman I HAVE EVER KNOWN

 

That was a nice statment until the last piece of it. It almost sounded like he was taking a stab at "women" in general..... I would not interpert it that way under normal circumstances, but since his comment about being "secondary" it kind of worries me.

 

He mentioned in his e-mail something about you smacking him? Did I read that right? If so, that's no better than the degrading comment he made.

 

That is no different than me touching you, when you don't want to be touch during an argument and you smack me or threaten to throw something at me.

 

You both need to work on some things, if his e-mail is indeed true.

 

If nothing else, his e-mail shows that he thinks there are other issues at play here. I think it's worth it to go to counseling and open any can of worms that might be there. As others have said, it's better to get it on the table now rather than later.

 

BellaDonna

[lipostudio]

Mmmm, well first of all, be happy that he does some housework! Imagine how rough it would be if he didn't do that.

 

The belittling is a form of abuse, like it or not. It's emotional abuse and it matters just as much as if he were hitting you.

 

You mention finances are tight - I would assume that's contributing to the stress. If you had all the money in the world, would you mind his expensive taste so much?

 

I think he needs to have it stressed to him that you are a partnership, that you both participate in running the house, paying the bills, and maintaining the relationship. It doesn't seem like he's getting that - he's not being a team player at the moment.

 

I'm a big fan of the direct approach. Something like "I appreciate that you apologise after you do XXXXX, but I've been really worried by the underlying idea you seem to have about our marriage. I view this as a partnership, and it upsets me that you're not treating me as equal. I contribute financially and help you earn your money by processing your loans - it hurts when you belittle this. I also do XXXXX (cook, clear, etc.), which is a vital part of our lives together. I need you to start respecting my contribution to this relationship more and for you to treat me as an equal in all of our decisions."

 

His response to that should give you some idea of whether it's worth pursuing - if he blows up in a rage and goes on about how he's better than you/more worthwhile/makes more money/is a man, I'd take it as a very bad sign. If he shows interest in changing and gets what you've said, that's hopeful. It's a hard thing to say because he'll feel attacked, more than likely, because it's pointing out something you're not happy with. Maybe couching it in some reminders of how much you love him and care about it would soften the blow.

 

Good luck!!

 

Thanks for your response Lipo!

He apologizes everytime, but sorry just doesnt do it anymore... he has be littled me for working from home, says i do nothing...business has been slow for me and dead for him...so there is a lot of financial pressure.

He is good around the house, since he's been a bachelor for so long, he takes care of himself .. i.e. irons, washes clothes, cooks, does dishes, vacuums.... he takes initiative to help out.. it's just thathe has this expensive taste with cars and luxurious living .. and he basically rubs in my face that HE will be paying for most of the mortgage.. so I have nothing to say about it.. Im more conservative and really could care less about luxury if it's not practical.

so yes.. he does apologize..but why cant he just STOP IT!

[v8vachon]

That is no different than me touching you, when you don't want to be touch during an argument and you smack me or threaten to throw something at me.

 

We have argued in the past where he will wrap his hand around my arm to stop me from walking away and I would have to yank or smack him off of me... I by no means am claiming perfection, but how else do u get someone to get off of you in a moment of being upset and wanting to be left alone when he wont. so yes, he was comparing his actions to mine and justifying himself... but like i told him.. the fact that I didnt stop talking to him when he asked me to stop.. does not justify the fact that he has said those things to me.. does it?

[BellaDonna]

No. It does not justify it at all.

 

The way both you and he have described your arguments, as well as his comment to you, tells me that the communication styles being used are very unhealthy.

 

I truly think counseling would be the best thing you could do to address this, before it's too late.

 

BellaDonna

[Beec]

the fact that I didnt stop talking to him when he asked me to stop.. does not justify the fact that he has said those things to me.. does it?

 

No, it doesn't justify anything. But, didn't he say:

 

Let me first start off saying again I am sorry for my actions last night, there is no excuse for the way I acted.

 

Why cannot you not accept such simple words? He has apologized for how he acted, but you are still throwing that up? WHY? Accept the apology. Maybe you discuss his actions to avoid similar ones in the future, but what he did should now be in the past.

[Juliana]

"We have argued in the past where he will wrap his hand around my arm to stop me from walking away and I would have to yank or smack him off of me."

 

I was with a guy who did this once. I tried to turn away from him when he was anxious to speak to me, and although we were not arguing at the time, he got impatient and pulled me around with such force, he tore out the ligaments in my shoulder.

 

So. Make it clear to him that trying to prevent you from leaving the room during an argument is, in fact, physical abuse. It doesn't seem like it to him, but it is. He is using his physical strength to force you to remain in the room, which you do not want to do. It is abuse. He has to see that.

 

You should see a counsellor, but honestly, I think you need to get aware of how serious this is, right away.

[Rabican]

Try withholding sex for a while, and say when you start listening to my opinion on matters of the house, and anything else then well talk.

 

And tell him if he keeps acting like hes 12, then he can have his own house and you can go about undoing your marriage.

[annie24]

I don't think that withholding sex is a healthy thing to do in a marriage. that is the sort of thing that can destroy a relationship, using sex as a weapon or a bargaining chip.

[hardcharger]

re: sticky I'm sorry note.

 

that means there is hope. Now don't you play games with him. Marriage can be terrible with no way out but divorce, esp when one sides has to be totally right. He backed down, that is beautiful!!! I built a house too with my wife and I know how it can be, his comment was uncalled for, there will be more to come. But if he has the courage to say "i'm sorry" that means everything, accept it and try to move forward.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Sometimes people go really crazy when they build/buy a house... it is somehow a representation of their ego and who they are, and they really overextend themselves in an attempt to build their own egos... he sounds like he is treating this house as an extension of his ego, and many many couples fight and even divorce when building a new spec house, because it becomes a power struggle that involves so much more than the house...

 

i suggest you get marriage counseling to learn how to negotiate, adn he needs to understand a marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship... it will only add more stress to the marriage if you do build a big house that overextends your budget, and many people count their chickens before they are hatched when it comes to expecting an ever greater income, when that is not always the way life takes you...

 

good luck, and stand your ground, becuase you will be liable too if you can't afford that house, and it could wreck your credit. i also fear that the next step might be once you are in the house and have cash flow problems because it is so grand and expensive, he might then feel justified in insisting you get a higher paying job outside the home in order to keep that house going...

 

so this is a problem that may not go away unless you deal with it right now in counseling, and possibly an accountant to talk some sense into him...

[assumeLove]

Getting back to me....you should know me, if I say I don't want to talk about it anymore, let it go until I can calm down, no, you had to push me several times. I told you 3 times in the car. I told you on the third time I was getting amp'd and you refused to stop.

Psychologist John Gottman claims he can predict with great accuracy which couples will get divorced in the next few years. What your husband describes here (called "flooding" by psychologists) is one of the key things he looks for.

 

Pressing arguments when your husband's looking to calm down will lead to flooding, and flooding will lead to horrible statements that can never be taken back and generally aren't the truth about what he's thinking.