stupid jealous brat

[princessevelyn]

I have the kind of relationship everyone dreams of. The list just goes on and on.. communication, understanding, AMAZING sex, common interests (like you wouldn't believe), and just plain love to the highest degree. He is the kind of man that your mother tells your to score before someone else does because he is just PERFECTION. Hard working, clean, chivalrous, respectful, outdoorsy, generous (I get a new piece of jewelry just about every week "just because" he loves me) and he's an amazing parent. So who amidst all this perfection would come THIS close to screwing it up because of my little jealous rage? ME. That's who. I am insanely jealous of my fiancé’s ex wife/ex life.

 

They've been separated for quite some time now and are in the process of a divorce. They have a 6-year-old son, which my fiancé has custody of. However, not only is she completely out of the picture she's OUT OF THE STATE in Tennessee! And the thing is that it's not really her I’m jealous of, I’m jealous of the fact that she had him for as long as she did, and that they have a child together.

 

He was 20 and she was 18 (or so he thought). She got pregnant and holy crap it turns out she was 15! Next thing you know he's arrested, taken to jail and told that if he doesn't marry her immediately he will have to serve up to a 3 year sentence and register as a sex offender. So what happens? That stupid mom drives the lovebirds to Vegas for a quickie marriage so that my fiancé could avoid jail time. SEVEN years they were together. Seven years of basically my Fiancé having to raise a 15 year old brat with a baby while her mother is MIA because she was arrested and thrown in jail for manufacturing drugs with intent to sell. OH MY GOD.

 

I find myself getting genuinely upset at him because he got her pregnant. I believe I said the exact words of "It's not like you didn't know that she was going to get pregnant, you know how babies are made, were you trying to have a baby with that trash?" Ouch. They weren't even together when she got knocked up; they just had a casual hook up type of thing. (Not only that but it was SEVEN YEARS AGO)

 

I have to get over it. He tells me constantly that for almost the last decade of his life his goal was just to stick it out with her for the sake of their child. He knows that if he had just left her after the charges were dropped that his son would be surrounded by trash and countless of his mom’s boyfriends. And yet, every time I hear about a story, whether they were fishing, hiking, hunting just doing anything with her I get insanely jealous. I ask him, "Did you even have fun with her?" "I bet she would just talk to you the whole time" "did she even like being out with you?” And the truth is that she didn't and neither did he, she was mentally unstable and just plain trash and he just dealt with it. But I don’t want to have him stop telling me thing because I don’t want him to feel restricted.

 

Knowing that it was horrible up until he met me, that he hated her, that the was only reason he was with her was because of their child, she cheated on him countless times, tried to make him look like a dead beat dad to the courts at their first custody battle, why am I so jealous? WHY???

Because it wasn't with me. Why didn’t he meet me first? Why didn't I get pregnant with his baby? Why did she even have to exist!? Why did she get the privilege of living with him, and having him as her husband for as long as she did when she didn't even deserve him?

 

I have to realize that he is with me NOW. And we do all the great things we love to do together NOW. We are engaged NOW. We love each other now and forever! When will I just get over it? When she's back in town for the divorce? When I see her face-to-face and just laugh at her and polish my diamond ring right in front of her? Is that what it's going to take? Because his constant reassurance only gets me there half way. What is it going to take for me to make it the rest of the way to get to the point where I have not a care in the world for her or the past he had with her?

[rocio]

I think you need help dealing with your anger. Maybe you are insecure?

 

I completely understand a certain amount of anger and jealousy toward this woman. But I don't think it's right to call another human being "trash". She was only 15 when she became pregnant. I have a feeling she didn't ask for that. Also, you are only hearing one side of the story. Please give this woman a break. There is no need for you to make such horrible statements about her to the father of her child, and there is no need for you to laugh in her face. As long as your fiance is in your life, she is going to be in your life. Don't you think things will go more smoothly if you treat her in a mature manner?

[Vanilla]

everybody makes mistakes in the past. the main thing here is that he is now with you, she lives in a different state and he doesn't want her.

 

How is your relationship with his son?

 

I have to agree with the poster above, it all seems like a big case of insecurity. What he needs from you is your support, in a possitive way. Not an attack anytime she's brought in the picture.

 

Be happy he's matured and evolved into this amazing man that you now get to spend time with.

 

Is his ex wife threatning your current relationship? Doesn't seem like it. It's all these things you're over analyzing and over judging by yourself with nothing else behind it than insecurity and jealousy...

 

let it go, it will be the best to keep a healthy happy relationship.

 

Best of luck

[BellaDonna]

Hi there and welcome to enotalone. I realize that this is a very emotional topic for you, but please be mindful of your use of curses/language. We have members on enotalone as young as age 13 and swearing is not allowed. A list of forum rules can be found here:

 

As for your issue, I think you should make this your mantra every day:

 

I have to realize that he is with me NOW. And we do all the great things we love to do together NOW. We are engaged NOW. We love each other now and forever!

 

Also, you mentioned that your fiance has full custody of his child- please me mindful that a child is innocent in all of this. I hope you do not talk about his mother in front of him, the way you have here.

 

You cannot erase a person's past. If you cannot accept their past and it brings you such anger, they may not be the one for you.

 

It seems you have demonized your fiance's ex. Keep in mind that he was an equal player in the relationship. He must have chosen to be with her at some point. Especially since he was older than her, I doubt he was forced kicking and screaming.

 

It is what it is- the past is the past. You need to get a handle on these emotions or they could damage your relationship. Have you ever considered counseling? It might help you to sort this all out.

 

BellaDonna

[BornToResist]

Have you ever thought that if that whole part of his life was missing, say he never even met her, your paths wouldn't have crossed and you wouldn't be with him?

 

I know not everyone believes the way that I do, but I think the reason he's in the shoes he's in (the ones that you love) is because of his past. He wouldn't be the same person at all unless he went through everything he has and made the decisions he did.

 

You can't change someone's past. It's a huge part of them. Accept it as part of him and realize he is who he is because of his past, good or bad.

[rocio]

What a great post, BTR!

[Beec]

Forgive her. She might have been horrible in all those ways, but you should also realize that whatever she had, she had because of a him being stupid.

 

And thank her. One of the reason I bet he loves you is because you are different from her and the hell she put him through. One of the reasons he appreciates you is because he knows what one alternative is like.

[princessevelyn]

There's so many things about this situation that are hard to completely put in writing (or typing).

 

She's trash. I know this how? She used to call me and threated to kill me and beat me up for being a homewrecker and stealing her husband, when at the time they were already separated. After the seperation i would hear their son talk about how there were all kinds of her mom's boyfriends staying over night. There's no question about it, it's not the nicest thing to say BUT SHE'S TRASH. It's not one sided. My fiance inherited her friends because they lived in her mothers home, so naturally he became aquainted with the neighboors. When we go back to visit i would hear countless stories about how after My fiance left there were people all over the place. Crazy parties, drunken people on the lawn, music all hours of the night, and the smell of meth. All anyone had to say about my fiance leaving his ex was that it "was about time".

 

My relationship with his son is amazing, these are his exact words to his dad about my relationship with his father, "Daddy's she nice to you. I like her. You should marry her. She doesn't yell or hit like momma". His mom used to throw punches at my fiance, she mased him in the face because she suspected him of cheating.

 

I'm completely aware of the fact that she's going to be in my life for ever since i'm pretty much going to mother her child.

There is also another problem there. He fears telling his mom about me for fear of her hating him.

 

I do know that to a certain degree my issues have do to with insecurity. But it's not a typical case of insecurity, its more like ANGER.

I love him so much that it makes me furious that he had to live that life for so long. I don't ever want to be in her shoes or be her or anything like that, its just, i'm so upset at the fact that i wasn't in the picture before, and he had to endure all of that because of their child, which in all reality he isn't even completely sure is his.

[BellaDonna]

Just try to be the bigger person.

 

Every time you let her aggravate you, she wins.

 

BellaDonna

[Day_Walker]

I think that you have a serious perspective problem. The is a reasons why you are focusing on his past and his ex and it is eating away at you. You may have mentioned all the postive aspects of your relationship but considering that you have this extreme insecurity and jealousy, I would not dream of having that kind of relationship. Now maybe you see your relationship different but you need to focus on your own issues rather than this other person. There is no reason to hate her, as she has done nothing to you and you are only hearing one side of the story.

[Vanilla]

I agree with BellaDonna...Also I see you're 20 years old, that is a lot to take at your age. Most girls your age (and my age as I'm only 1 year older than you) main focus is school, work, going out, friends, traveling....definitely not dealing with ex wives and mothering anyone. I can see how this may be too much for you. I hope you are ready for all of this.

 

Anger will only make everything harder. I am sure you're the best thing he could have ever hoped for, and when you get so upset I am sure it makes him miserable as well as yourself.

 

If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, it's best to let it go.

 

Have you two tried counseling for this issue?

[princessevelyn]

Belladonna:

- I sincerely apologize for my language.

- absolutely not, i never speak this way around his son. His father does, but that's a WHOLE different issue.

- and i know...i'm telling myself exactly what i need to hear.

"I have to realize that he is with me NOW. And we do all the great things we love to do together NOW. We are engaged NOW. We love each other now and forever! " I'm just going to have to work on it.

 

Born to resist:

I totally agree with you, and what your saying is something that Jean and i talk about all the time. We're soul mates. Our lives and our decisions made us who we are today, lead us to eachother and made us capable of loving each other as much as we do.

 

But there is that the one moment, that one second, where i forget that, and i forget what he tells me and reassures me and i just blow up. That is what i need help with. It never starts as kicking or screaming just "discussing". But it leads to one of us getting upset and getting louder and louder. I just need to know how to restrict myself because my rants don't help anyone. Especially not my relationship.

 

 

The ONLY thing i press him about is that i feel unacknowledged(everything else i just go over in my mind). His ex doesn't know much about me besides that fact that we date. However we're engaged! It really upset me when his son told me that he fears talking about me to his mother for fear of her hating him, and i felt that my fiance should maturly discuss it with her and let her know that she should get over herself and let her son know that its ok for him to like daddy's new wife and that he doesn't have to worry. however, my fiance feels its a better idea to hold off on such a discussion until after their divorce is finalized and its too late for her to get vindictive and file for full costody because she doesn't want some other woman taking care of her child. - THAT'S the issue.

[BornToResist]

Okay well then you just have to step back and respect his decisions. He knows her way better than you do, and he knows what is best for his son.

 

I was 20 when I started dating my now-ex, and he had a crazy exwife and daughter in his baggage department. They were divorced for 2 or 3 years before he met me, but I totally understand, it is very easy to get caught up in it. Especially when she would call and it would be her name-his last name on the caller ID.

 

She tried to cause all kinds of problems for us, but there's so many ways I kept sane. I love their daughter completely, and I would have treated her like gold anyways, but I knew it got under her skin when her daughter would talk about me. So yeah, I may have given her a little makeup to wear or jewelry to borrow before going back to mommy's, but nothing merely out for revenge. You have to realize that since you are in the picture now, you can't change the situation and you can be a factor in the way their divorce and custody goes.

 

You cannot be mean to this woman. She is the mother of your fiancee's child. This child already has so much to deal with, it sounds like, as well as your fiancee. You HAVE to get over it or he's going to end up resenting you.

 

Are you REALLY ready to deal with this? The divorce isn't even final and I can assure you it's going to be a LONG, complicated process and if she feels like it, she can jump right into your personal life with him and try her best to screw things up. You have to learn how to be the bigger person. That's all there is to it.

 

Maybe write down something that can "level" your thinking...something that makes you feel better about it all, and reread it when you feel like badmouthing her or insecure. You have to get over this in order to have a successful relationship.

[imtornup]

Well, here's my two cents...I know you love this guy, but why are you engaged before the divorce is final. I would hate knowing I'm engaged to someone while their still married to someone else. Being that as it may, he's right in not telling his soon to be ex that he's engaged to someone else. Trust me, it's the right move.

 

Everything else aside, she is the mother of the child. You're gonna have to learn to accept and deal with it FOREVER. The best thing you can do is have a good relationship with this person and hope that your soon to be husband does as well. If she wants, she can make his and your life tough.

[princessevelyn]

The divorce is final in two months. As of now the agreement is 30% / 70% custody. What can she possibly to do us?

 

Doubt? Not at all.

There is no question about how ready i am for this relationship, marriage, and motherhood. Right now i'm hitting a speed bump, i'm strong, i'm smart and i know we're going to be just fine, i just need that little push to get me there sooner than later.

[Bethany]

 

It really upset me when his son told me that he fears talking about me to his mother for fear of her hating him, and i felt that my fiance should maturly discuss it with her and let her know that she should get over herself and let her son know that its ok for him to like daddy's new wife and that he doesn't have to worry. however, my fiance feels its a better idea to hold off on such a discussion until after their divorce is finalized and its too late for her to get vindictive and file for full costody because she doesn't want some other woman taking care of her child. - THAT'S the issue.

 

Don't push the issue, it could put his son's happiness and life with your fiance at risk.

 

Listen to your fiance, he is wise man and he has his son's best interests at heart and knows what's best. His son's future is far more important than a mature talk about hating you.

[BornToResist]

What can she do to you? Or what CAN'T she do? If you can imagine it, she can do it.

 

In my experience with the crazy exwife, she made up stuff...tried to steal the kid, badmouthed me to the entire family, called the cops on us, parked outside our house for hours on end, etc. She can make your life a living hell basically.

[princessevelyn]

I'm a little bit in the dark about how she can "make his and your life tough". What exactly is she capable of doing that will affect my relationship?

[princessevelyn]

How exactly can my engagement to Jean affect anything having to do with the custody battle? She's 1500 miles away in Tenessee, his son is established here in school and the community. She can't call the cops on me, she can't steal our kid. I just don't get how our engagement isn't in "best interests" to anyone...

[BellaDonna]

What exactly is she capable of doing that will affect my relationship?

 

She can get to you enough to write this post about her.

 

She may not affect it physically, but if the thought of her brings out insecurity and intense hate/anger inside you -it can strain your relationshop.

 

You need to work on what YOU have control over- and that is not her, the past, but you. So focus on ways that you can come to peace with this and feel confident in your relationship.

 

BellaDonna

[shikashika]

Hmnnn... it seems like right now this is too much on your mind... amd you shouldn't be marrying someone if you feel like this.

 

And this is only my opinion and what *I* would do... but i would never get involved with a guy like that with that much baggage, especially when you are only 20 years old... no matter how nice, chivalrous etc he is there is NO way that would be the kind of guy I'd want to take home to mum based on his past life.

 

Agreed, people change, whats in the past is in the past... but I know i personally, would not want that much baggage in my life

 

And at only 20 years old...

 

However, you are not me... and I am not you... as everyone else has said you have to do whats right for YOU

 

Good luck!

[southerngirl]

How long have you known your fiance?

 

Im curious because you are 20 years old, engaged... he is going through a divorce. Just wondering what the timeline is here.

 

As for your overly judgemental attitude about the ex wife, you only know his side of the story.

 

Lets say just based on what you said here.... He was with her for how many years? Well over five years. If he found her that bad then he wouldnt have stayed with her that long. He was 20 years old and sleeping with a 15 year old yet he thought she was 18? Yeah, well you may believe that but I find that hard to swallow.

 

Also, I dont think anyone forced him to marry her. He was probally just scared of getting charged as a pedophile. Then he leaves her, when she gets older and found himself a nice young 20 year old, or were you 19? How old do you look? Old or young for your age? Think long and hard here about who you are involved with. What will you do if in five years he leaves you for another hot young thing and then tells her what a loser you are?.......

 

Just putting thoughts out there, if this is way off sorry.

 

Oh my about him having a child, I sure hope your ready to be a mother, and of a six year old ? I had my first baby at 20 years old. He is now nine and boy it was hard to handle. I wonder if you know what your getting into.

 

What about college are you in school? Did you graduate high school? Where do you see yourself in five years? He is so much older than you are.

[Mythical_Suicide]

All I can say (and I mean this in the nicest way possible) Get over it or get out while you're ahead. Obviously you are letting her get to you by posting the things you do. You are acting like your fiance is perfect when in reality he is far from it. HE has a kid, he has an ex-wife that is never going to change and if you keep up with your insecurity rants and antics like this you are going to jeopardize your own relationship with him, his exwife isn't going to have to do much more.

Take it from me, you have it easy.. You don't have to personalyl deal with his ex-wife seh doesn't live right down the road nor do you have to see her each and every week. I have to do all of the above and you know what, if you're going ot let it bother you this much you really don't need to be in this type of relationship. You need to find you a single guy, with no "baggage" as people like to call it.

 

How are you going to fee when you two have kids? Its going to change alot of things as well. I never thought it would change how I feel about my bf's kids but it did.

You just need to look at your future and if you can't get over this now you need to get out.

[shikashika]

also... just to add the part about him buying jewelry every week... that would make me wonder and be turned off... I love jewelry... call me cynical... but I'd start to get suspicious..

 

loving, kind is one thing.. but buying my affection???

 

no thanks

 

how old is he?

[caro33]

I could be completely off track here, but I think the anger is not so much about the basic insecurity but about a confusion and fear that the two parts of your fiance's life are so different, and a basic resentment that he could have had this mess in his past at all. The fact is that he was not an unwilling passenger in these events:

 

- He knowingly had sex with someone who was younger than him, he just didn't know (really?) how young.

- He did this casually, and in a way that was able to lead to pregnancy.

- He got suckered into a marriage to her.

- He stayed for seven years, through what sounds like unforgiveable, wanton behaviour from his wife.

 

Now he did not have a gun to his head for any of this. He was young, but old enough to have gotten out of each stage of this - men around the world do it all the time. Not that it would have made him a good man to ditch her, but let's be real, he chose all these things.

 

And you hate that don't you? You hate that she represents all that weakness in him, that he could have had such bad judgement. Part of you might be afraid that he still has bad judgement. I think that the cause of all your anger is that everything is perfect with you and him, and he's awesome, but you are constantly reminded of his past failures and you resent that.

 

Like I said, I could be off track here, but when I look inside myself and pretend I am you based on your posts, I think that's what would be a major part of my anger.