his wife confronted me

[sarahplainandtall]

I started seeing one of my former married bosses about a year and a half ago. It started off just for casual sex with no ties. A few months into the 'relationship" he started getting very attached to me and fell in love with me. At first I did not have the same fellings but evntually they became mutual. His entire life revolved around me. He called me 3-4 times a day for close to an hour each time, send me picture messages and would go out with me every night. most nights he didn't leave my house until 4 or 5 in the morning, only to call out of work and return again about 7 am. his wife was under the impression that he was working until his pay checks showed that he was using up his earned time. this went on from November until April including one night he told his wife he was staying with a friend and while he was on the phone with her, the wife of the friend he was supposedly with called her in tears because she had just found her husband with another woman. He kept telling me that we had to cool things down, but it continued on the same. They built a very expensive new house and thats when things started to change. He would call me or meet me and while he would converse with me he would panic and get mad at me. he would then apopgize and act like it didn't happen. The calls remained the same but the meetings were becoming more infrequent. It went about two weeks with no calls and then he started everything back up like it had never stopped. No one in our group of friends knew what was going on and two months into our relationship his wife began hanging out with us and our group. She would see me and confide in me things about him a couple times a week. Yes it did and still does bother me knowing that what I do has direct impact on her feelings. The things she would say about him were awful and degrading to him. He would be upset and embarrased if he ever knew what she had told me. Was this to deter me from him or was it to see if I was going to tell him what she had said?

 

 

Back in september I received a phone call from his wife confronting me about the affair. She very calmly asked what was gping on with me and her husband, I obviously played dumb and denied everything. She had his cell phone and intercepted a message I left him about meeting him for coffee. Still this did nit stop him from calling me and seeing me on a constant basis, not as much as a few moths before, but still regularly.

 

The odd comment by his wife in the half hour conversation was that she was too old to deal with this and if this was her way out to let her know. Was she trying to trap me into admitting it or does she really believe this is her way out?

 

He has been forbidden to speak to me and has even told him if she finds out that he speaks to me she will divorce him immediately. He has been telling me that he wants to spend some time alone with me and we even coincided dates for vacation so we could be together.

 

He called me today and freaked out, his wife saw that I had sent hime a text message over a month ago and it kicked things that he said he had put to rest back up again. He told me to leave him the alone, i told him OK and hung up. He called back 2 minutes later asking why I hung up on him. The way he thinks is that he is the only bothered by this whole situation. I explained to hime that his wife is hurting and upset because she knows what happened and he keeps lying to her, that I am not without feeling because I have been with him for so long just to get cast aside when hes pissed off and then to be called days later like nothing happened and that he's the one who has caused it on bother ends but is annoyed with getting yelled at. The coversation ending with him saying I talk to you later.

 

Long story but here's my question, what the hell does he want? He has never said that he loves his wife only that he cannot afford another divorce (she's his 3rd wife the other marriages ended because of his infidelity) and he continues to call me and see me.

[daredevil]

there is something interesting in having a lover or mistress which gives a person some self confidence.

[Biffy]

He sounds like a real catch!

 

Not to be an a-hole but I have limited sympathy, you should never get involved with a married man.

 

I'd ignore him and find a nice unattached man if I were you.

[daredevil]

He sounds like a real catch!

 

Not to be an a-hole but I have limited sympathy, you should never get involved with a married man.

 

I'd ignore him and find a nice unattached man if I were you.

 

I wanted to write that myself, thanks for putting my words into this case... People getting involed with a person who has another attachment aren't better than anyone else. Contrary

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Long story but here's my question, what the hell does he want? He has never said that he loves his wife only that he cannot afford another divorce (she's his 3rd wife the other marriages ended because of his infidelity) and he continues to call me and see me.

 

He wants what he always wanted....wife around for image....mistress around for excitement. I imagine he will soon be saying goodbye to wife #3 and if you marry him, be prepared for him to find another mistress while married to you. I wonder if wife #3 had been his mistress while he was with wife #2.

 

I would strongly suggest you read books on self-esteem and ask yourself why you are involved with 1) a married man 2) a man who has had multiple failed marriages due to his infidelity. If you feel so badly for his wife, maybe it is time you took yourself out of the equation and take a long hard look at yourself. Fix yourself first and then find a man who is unattached.

[Juliana]

Who calls someone 3 -4 times a day, for an hour at a time, and then is over at their house all night?? Does this guy need to check for a pulse if he's alone, just to be sure he's still there?

 

Lose him, asap. You said you didn't have feelings for him at first; that was probably your common sense talking.

[n83]

Honestly he sounds like he has some severe issues. It didn't surprise me at all to read that he has had many marriages which have all failed. I'm sure all his wives were extremely miserable for a while before they divorced.

 

At this point, why should anyone give a damn what he wants??

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, i think this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too... he wants you and his wife fighting over him, while he plans his own nice domestic EXPENSIVE marital house that doesn't include you...

 

really, it is not a choice of you vs. her... it is a choice of him getting ALL the women he *scr*wes* in his life to let him do his own thing and not expect anything from him... don't blame his wife for whatever you need to keep seeing him... this is a guy who plays one woman against the other, when the real problem is he is not faithful or even nice to anyone in his life, just getting what he wants for himself...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

p.s. sarah, plain and tall... i am very tall, 5'10', who knows, maybe more, maybe plain, but some men think this is FABULOUS because i am incredible, whatever else is happening... don't settle, don't let some creep convince you otherwise... plain, tall, whatever, you are better than someone who would lie and use the people closest to them (wife, lover, whatever) to justify treating them badly for their own convenience...

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

This is what happens when you play with fire. It is your own self to blame for this whole situation. Everyone knows not to get romantically involved with people who are married. Things rarely (not always) turn out bad.

 

Save yourself some additional heartache, pain, depression, or whatever, and go find a man who can devote his love to just one woman: you. Why put yourself through this misery? You have control to end it.

[Rabican]

WOW.

 

Where to start.... what does he want? He wants his cake, and wants to eat it too. Hes getting the sex with you, the house with the wife, his marriage is a sham, his relationship with you is a mess.... Im sorry but this sounds like a made for tv movie gone bad. You want my advice, forget what he wants, forget his wife, forget he ever existed. Call him up and tell him soemone konked you on the head with a common sense stick, and you realized this whole thing should have never happened in the first place and that now its over.

 

You really want to be with this guy? Thats amazing if you do, hes sleeping with you, and his wife... doesnt that bother you? Doesnt his ability to lie lie lie lie bother you? What makes you think he wont be treating you, just like hes treating his wife 2 years down the road?

[sarahplainandtall]

yes he was with wife #3 when he left wife #2. however I do not nor have I ever planned to marry him.

[radioheader]

you are smart to never marry him...he is a compulsive cheater and will find another willing soul if you leave him...some men just aren't strong enough to handle life without a mistress and he is one of those...the grass is always greener to him...good luck and get out...

[sarahplainandtall]

what about the questions I asked about his wife? Where she said that she is too old for this and if this her way out of the marriage to let her know. Was it to get me to admit to it or does she really believe that this is her way out. The two of them never have anything nice to say about eachother and are constantly bad mouthing eachother to me. She has told me on numerous occasions that when she divorces her husband she will remarry because she loves the beginning of the marriage. She has been married previously.

 

Me and the guy have only one friend in common that knows about us. the friend told me one night that the guy wants to be with me but is scared because of my looks and my age. At first he liked that every guy hit on me but now when we go out if there are any guys my age there he constantly hangs all over me. There is a 20 year difference between him and me and there a 24 year difference between his wife and me. He has always married, dates and still picks up women older than him, I am the only one younger and by quite a difference.

[ImThatGirl]

what about the questions I asked about his wife? Where she said that she is too old for this and if this her way out of the marriage to let her know. Was it to get me to admit to it or does she really believe that this is her way out. The two of them never have anything nice to say about eachother and are constantly bad mouthing eachother to me. She has told me on numerous occasions that when she divorces her husband she will remarry because she loves the beginning of the marriage. She has been married previously.

 

Point blank - She already has an out if she wants it. I'm guessing that it's clear to her that you two are having an affair. She most likely just wants ammunition and proof for something she already knows. I'm surprised that she even associates with you.

 

They both sound VERY immature. 3rd marriage and cheating again?

 

And my dear, you are allowing him to make your relationship on and off again. This is consuming more energy and your heart more than you are admitting. Otherwise, you wouldn't be concerned about it so much.

 

Stand up and demand respect. Don't allow him to treat you like a mistress. Get over him and your attachment to him and move on. Please for your own health.

[scared44]

Point blank...it doesn't matter why she said she was too old for this crap and whatever else she said. It doesn't matter that he talks crap about her, and her about him...What does matter is that YOU cut all ties with BOTH of them and get on with your life. He screwed up, she knows about it-THEY need to deal with this mess...YOU need to get on with your life. Trust me on this one, it will NEVER end up with anything but more misery if you let it go on.

[sddeaston]

He wants what he always wanted....wife around for image....mistress around for excitement. I imagine he will soon be saying goodbye to wife #3 and if you marry him, be prepared for him to find another mistress while married to you. I wonder if wife #3 had been his mistress while he was with wife #2.

 

I would strongly suggest you read books on self-esteem and ask yourself why you are involved with 1) a married man 2) a man who has had multiple failed marriages due to his infidelity. If you feel so badly for his wife, maybe it is time you took yourself out of the equation and take a long hard look at yourself. Fix yourself first and then find a man who is unattached.

 

Exactly what I was thinking.

 

He is going to do the same to you, in the event that his current marriage (surprise, surprise) doesn't work and you marry him.

[MacGyverRI]

This thread is a perfect example of the double standard, if the OP were a guy you all would have the rope out to hang him like in the guy who went to a brothel thread. lol

 

Here' a thought, don't go out w/ married "anyones"...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When someone says they are too old for something it usually means they are very tired and sick of the situation and drama and don't want to spend anymore time even thinking about it... and if she truly believes her husband is having an affair, she probably feels like she doesn't have to give her marriage much more effort since he is being a louse, yet again, and may divorce him...

 

but the point is this... it is obviously a clear case of a man who is a chronic philanderer, who likes to have sex with younger women, but wants to keep all of his assets like his fancy house, which is knows he will lose in a divorce, especially if he is caught having an affair.

 

so recognize that what you are to him is nothing more than a piece on the side, and if you don't give him what he wants, and leave his wife alone, he will just go find some other young girl to have sex with.

 

Do you want to be part of this sordid mess? and really YOU are too old for this, you should be looking for people who are free to be involved with you, not playing power/ego games with some married man's wife.... please get some counseling to try to understand why you would get involved in such a situation, and stay in it, especially when it is causing chaos in someone else's marriage and life.

[sonjam]

Sarah, I hear that you say you don't want to, nor have you ever planned to get married to this guy, but why, oh why are you wasting your precious youth on him them? Mr Right is out there, just waiting for you, while you are putting up with a married idio'ts troubles!

 

You are worth more than this my girl, get out of this, let him sort out his own marital problems, who cares what the wife wants or needs to get out, it's their marraige, not yours.

[dyoung]

yes he was with wife #3 when he left wife #2. however I do not nor have I ever planned to marry him.

 

Ummm... So wife #2 was once were you sit, and remember you admitted you are catching feelings. I wonder is that what she said once upon a time.

 

You know you are wrong on so many levels, However I'm not going to jump all down your throat about it. I always say when it comes to cheating and infidelity, nobody can break up a HAPPY home!

 

but as far as your problem you probably need to walk away from the situation a bit and be his friend not his girlfriend cause that is basically what you are doing...

 

If he chooses to leave him wife that is on him, what I would do even if its not true, is tell him you two will always be "friends" and you will never be his gilfriend or wife. So this way in his mind he will do what is right for him and nobody else.

 

Good Luck

[candy604]

i would totally stay way from this man. You said this is his third wife b/c of infidelity..that's a track record and a big red flag. Find a nice single man for yourself that respects you.