crying when breaking up

[kiasuten]

I know that people cry when they end a relationship, like... if my boyfriend breaks up with me, I'll cry, but..

 

Have you heard of people crying when they break up with someone? Why would they cry?

 

I know that if my b/f broke up with me, I would cry an ocean, but evertime I even think of breaking up with him, I start crying and just can't stop (as I type this, it's happening).

 

Explain? Anyone?

 

Kiasuten

[dnozzle]

My girl cried when she broke up with me, and said she had cried the whole day leading up to it.

 

I think it can happen when the decision is a hard one, and they haven't really moved on in their heart yet. If someone DOESN'T cry when breaking up with you, I would say that relationship has been dead for a while already.

[beberfb48]

I just went through a breakup two days ago, and we both cried. She broke it off with me, and she was just as distraught as I was. No one wants to lose what they have, but sometimes its the best option, no matter how hard or how much it sucks. If you're considering breaking things off with him, then theres something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Find out what it is, and if it can be fixed... if it cant, then you know what you need to do. Thats just my advice... I know how hard it is on both ends of it through experience... I wish you luck with your decision.

[renaissancewoman101]

The first time my ex broke up with me, he cried and cried, because he was so confused. I gave him space and then he realized he missed me and he cried about that. Then he called me to tell me he wanted to get back together with me.

 

The second time he broke up with me, he didnt cry. I guess he was fed up with the way I was avoiding him and treating him so I guess breaking up with me was a relief.

 

I have never broken up with someone so I dont know how that is like.

 

I think people cry even when they break up with someone because it is a hard thing to do, on both sides of the coin. Not many people like to intentionally hurt another person's feelings, even if it is for the better.

[kiasuten]

I wish you luck with your decision.

 

That's funny because i didn't even say i was planning on anything....

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

After i did it and hang up the phone (he lived to far away to just call him up when i needed to) i fell down and couldn't stop crying, good thing the family were out. But yeah it was the hardest thing i'd ever done. I still don't know if i have feelings for him i was just to confused within myself to keep it up. I didn't want to hurt him or anything and all the emotions overtook me... Just before i found his wallet as well. My sister hurried me outa the house which was good cuz i was close to tears again. He was one of the few good guys i actually feel for... And one of the only people who i believed when he said he loved me. So it depends on the reason why people break up. I know my best friend cried when she broke up with her ex to. Because she didn't want to hurt him at all.

[RayKay]

Everytime I have been dumped, they cried their eyes out.

 

I have cried when I ended things.

 

Let's just say that just because you are ending it, does not mean you want to hurt the person, or you don't care, or you are not sad that things did not turn out. It can be emotional on all sides. There is generally a lot of time and heart invested in someone and the relationship, and it hurts when it is finally time to say it isn't working whatever you try.

[yeawutever]

Breaking up (depending on how well was the relationship, ex: no abuse nor cheating presented) is a tough decision. If I were the one doing the break up, then it would obviously had to be for a good reason (if either cheating, abuse or neglection were to occur that is) and I would handle it as best I can will continuing with my life. However if he did the break up all of the sudden and I see that nothing would happen, actually I would get piss, so I'll be like "Fine if that's what you want fine, go home then".

[Boughs]

I suppose i've questioned the same thing. I cried when breaking up with my ex. I don't really know why, but I just felt it. I felt bad to see her go... but I knew it was what I needed.

[Lava Rocks]

I've cried each time I've broken up with someone. I really don't see it as any different in my situations, whether I've been the dumper or the dumped, since the reasoning was always the same - we weren't right for each other and needed to move on. It doesn't mean that it hurt any less, because what I hurt about was the loss of the hope I once had for the person and myself.

 

Sometimes it was amicable and I was just kinda sad for a couple days, and sometimes it was an all out gut-wrenching cry fest complete with me going through all the steps of a recovering dumpee.

[Openheart1]

All,

 

When my girlfriend broke up with me, she cried a great deal. For the first few months after our breakup, we wanted to remain friends, but a great deal of the time we would discuss the relationship and try to solve issues between us. Everytime, she would cry heavily.

 

Now that it has been 8 1/2 months since the breakup, we are no longer friends and in that time I have thought a lot about a dumper crying. I have come to certain conclusions, though this is purely my opinion. First, I agree with the idea that they cry because they still care for the person and don't want to hurt them. Breaking up was a hard decision for my former girlfriend, but one question that is always bothering me. When someone breaks up with another they "love," I personally think anything they say after the fact is pretty insignificant and irrelevant. The more I look back, I realize that her caring for me meant essentially nothing. It meant virtually nothing because she chose to no longer be connected with my feelings once she broke up with me. She no longer thought the relationship was worth her time or energy, so there really is no reason that what she cares for should have anything to do with you any longer. In my case, though, I am especially bitter as she left a dear john letter, packed up her stuff and left with her family's help all while I was at class. In any case, when someone dumps you, the "caring" feelings they are going though, thus crying, is only leftover emotional baggage from the relationship, not how she truly feels about you. In other words, if a dumper says she/he still "cares" for you, it is only because they want to feel less guilty and make you feel superficially better in the hopes that you can forget the fact that her breaking up essentially meant you no longer are very important in her/his life and would be better without you in it. Genuinely caring for someone is very hard to reconcile with the fact they have thrown you away. It took me a great deal of heartache, introspection, and time to come to these ideas. Some people may like to believe that the person that broke up with them still cares for them, but in the end how can a person care for you since they no longer want you in their life! "Empty caring" is how I would describe it and your feelings are certainly not on their priority list.

 

Second, when someone cares for another person, sometimes a dumper will say they still love the person, yet does not want to be with them. Sometimes I think that it comes down to the fact that the dumper doesn't want to hurt the dumpee's feelings anymore than necessary. Caring for not wanting to make things worse and caring or loving the person are not the same thing. The dumper's goals after a breakup are self-oriented, pure and simple. Their care is measurable by how much guilt they feel. If they feel alot of guilt, they will "care" a lot. If they feel no guilt, they likely won't feel any.

 

All in all, I've come to the conclusion that no matter what a dumper says, it amounts to absolutely NOTHING. They chose to shove you out of their lives, thus anything they say has no substance whatsoever. I learned my lessons when it comes to believing what a dumper says after a breakup, because it is mostly just emotionally based.

 

Take care!

[RayKay]

Openheart,

 

While I have been on the dumped side far more than the dumping side, I really think that you cannot generalize about what dumpers do, or go through either.

 

The times I DID end things, it was not because I was deciding to shove someone out of my life. It is after months of concerted effort on either my part, or both our parts to make things work; and realizing either they are not putting the effort in (which is unfair to me) or that things just are not going to change. Sometimes it is because I realize how emotionally abused I have been, at which point it is not because I am callous and uncaring towards them; but because they have been to me. Sometimes it is because you just KNOW they are not very into you, and their actions and behaviour show it - and you cannot change that no matter how you try.

 

Sometimes it just comes down to a choice where even though you do genuinely care for them, you need to care for YOURSELF again. There is only so much effort you can put in to it from one side, before you lose your entire self to someone not returning the favour anymore.

 

I have no animosity to those whom have dumped me in the past. I know they cared, I know also it was not enough to make it work; that does not make them bad, or me bad. They felt what they felt, I felt what I felt.

 

Of course it is important to not allow their comments, emotions keep you from healing as you need to do; and there are some cases where exes WILL say all sorts of things to keep you from moving on. But, I would also say it does not mean that there are not many situations where indeed people are torn up about the decision; and indeed respect your need to move on too. In most cases, I don't think the intent is to lead you on but in any case you should not allow it too anyway. But them having emotions despite being the one to end things does not mean their emotions are not valid either.

 

RK

[renaissancewoman101]

I think dumping is a crap thing. I wish people could work things out instead of summarily dumping someone out of their life. It would make for less broken hearts, people fed up with life, etc.

 

I have always been the one whose been dumped in my life. It has made me cynical about things.

 

Dumpers cry sometimes because they feel bad about dumping you, but not bad enough to give you a second chance at life.

[yeawutever]

In way I would rather prefer being the dumper than the dumpee. I told my b/f from the start that if our relationship were to start sinking and one of us had to break up, that it would be me doing the dumping. It seems cruel but I woudl rather deal with a bit of guilt than deal with feelings of rejection.

[Openheart1]

Raykay,

 

Of course, I believe that people can potentially care for another person even if they dump them, but my point is that from the standpoint of the dumpee, caring about someone without that someone being in your life is pretty meaningless and irrelevant. It's pretty ridiculous, in my opinion, to say essentially "Yes, I don't want you in my life because you are not one for me because of bla bla bla, BUT, I still care for you." Hmmm, not particularly convincing.

 

You say that "it isn't because you wanted to shove someone out of your life," BUT then you decided to end things. Isn't breaking up with someone the same as shoving them out of your life? Now I don't mean to belittle your reasons, as they are certainly none of my business and I'm sure they are legitimate, but isn't breaking up with someone the same is "shoving them out of your life?"

 

Whatever the case is, my underlying point is that caring for someone on that emotional level is only worthwhile if that person remains in your life. What is the point otherwise? Maybe I am just overly rational or extremely unempathetic, but in my opinion it is just plain strange and unconvincing to say to someone after you dump them that you still care for them, as if to say "I care for you, but not enough to want to be with you or have you in my life." That is almost the same as saying, "I still love you and want to be with you, but I want to break up because you are not the one for me." It is bordering on a contradiction.

 

Now, I don't want to give the impression that I am incapable of feeling. I went through 6 months of post-breakup guilt, abandonment, etc. But now that I have my head back, I'm genuinely interested in how to reconcile these two things, as sometimes I have the tendency to over rationalize things. Or maybe it is something that I cannot totally understand since I'm not the type of person to believe that someone can care for another after they break up. But hey, if you can genuinely still care for someone after you no longer want them in your life, so be it.

[RayKay]

Well, have you considered that maybe they shoved you out of their life, long before you ever walked away?

 

I have been in, and seen so many relationships where the other person shut down. Where they looked elsewhere. Where they just stopped putting effort in. Where they refused counselling, therapy, and told you to just live with it as this was what you got. Where your own self esteem is so shattered you accept less and less. I see it everyday on here too; in people whom ask whether something is abusive enough to leave, whether they should put up with their partner's desire to stray, or to just not put anything into it.

 

Is THAT not shoving you out of their life, long before you take those steps?

 

It is not about shoving them out, but rather about reclaiming your own life, health, and sanity.

 

Maybe in your case it was different, there was no effort she gave. But I can definitely say that in the very few cases I ended things, it was after I had given EVERYTHING I could and I was so rundown and emotionally bankrupt; walking away was the right choice. You can't be the only one giving it your all all the time. And believe me, I cared. It was why I stayed no matter what, and continued to believe the best in them, and settled for less and less.....and tried even when they said it would not change anything...

 

And I can honestly say from the standpoint of someone whom is now in a very balanced, healthy EQUAL relationship that I neither regret the couple times I did break up with people; nor do I regret the painful times I have been dumped. Because there was something missing in those relationships; like respect or commitment from the other party.

 

Well, it is evident that there is a difference in the care; you can still care for someone and know what you have with them is unhealthy. Or know that you deserve better if they are treating you like crap. I have no interest in staying with someone whom is cheating, or abusive, or just plain selfish and cruel, or uncommitted no matter how much I care about them; because I also have to care about myself.

 

I have never said to someone "I love you, but am not in love with you", though I have heard it. And I don't think it is them contradicting themselves because that is genuinely what THEY feel; and you can't tell someone how they should feel or not feel. I absolutely believe true love requires commitment even when times are tough; and I live that way too. That does not mean though that you should also give up on yourself and sacrifice everything you are for someone not deserving it as they do not show the same respect and consideration to you.

 

Again, it is NOT always about not wanting them in your life. It is about wanting them, but not being able to make it work....there is a big difference between breaking up with someone because you just want to test the grass on the other side of the fence; and doing it after you have tried beyond the extent you could and accepting you just cannot live like that forever.

 

I just think you need to be cautious about putting a label of not caring on dumpers. I know this is one of those forums that is more sensitive to the plight of dumpees, but there are also many other members whom have been sticking around in very unhealthy and borderline abusive (or abusive) relationships for FAR too long, and telling them that dumping someone means they don't care, or obviously do not love....does not put someone in a strong position to take the very steps they really need to do.

[renaissancewoman101]

I do think dumpers don't care or that they stopped caring. The dumpee could be the one putting all the effort into the relationship, doing anything to make it work, being there for the person, asking for feedback, etc., and the other person just goes and dumps them for no reason at all.

 

You see that here on the forum all the time where someone comes online asking for help in understanding why someone left them, when the relationship seemed going so well, the dumper seemed happy, etc. then, out of the blue, the dumper pulls the dump on the dumpee and flees the scene. Dumpers like that have no compassion at all and they are the ones that don't care. I dont understand how people can defend those dumpers. They took an otherwise great relationship, didnt give the dumpee ANY chance in hell to fix anything that could be wrong, instead, they took the coward's way out and dumped the poor dumpee unceremoniously.

 

Or those who have already checked out of the relationship long before the dumpee even realizes and then does anything and everything to choke the life out of the dying relationship, not even giving the dumpee a chance to try to redeem any shreds of the relationship.

 

Dumpers do NOT deserve our compassion at all.

 

They are the fricking scum of the earth.

[Weeblie]

 

Dumpers do NOT deserve our compassion at all.

 

They are the fricking scum of the earth.

 

Well at least not the dumpers you wrote about. I can't feel bad for the heartless ones. But sometimes people dump someone because the other person was abusive, or wouldn't work things out, or other things I can't think of right now. I'd feel bad for people who had to break up with someone they didn't want to break up with.

[renaissancewoman101]

Weeblie, you're right. The dumpers you write about, I can understand why they would dump someone. I just seem to get stuck with the dumpers who just like to leave me even though I am willing to put the work into fixing the relationship, and I ask for feedback about what is going wrong, and I am a genuinely kind and caring person.

 

The dumpers I usually encounter, usually have some agenda and if i dont fit the agenda, they cut bait and run, without even giving me the opportunity to try and make right what could be perceived as being wrong.

[silky88]

i'm the one that ended what was formerly the best relationship of my life. why? because he was pulling away. because he wouldn't kiss me anymore. because he didn't know what he wanted and couldn't tell me. because i couldn't stand to call someone my "boyfriend" if i never got any more than a kiss on the cheek. i waited a month and things got worse instead of better. so i ended it. it was the hardest thing i have EVER done. i tried crawling back, thinking that i'd screwed up. but what it came down to is that he wasn't feeling the "spark" anymore, so i had to get away and try to let the healing begin. i wish more than anything that we were still together. and i'm the dumper. and, yes, i cried rivers. sometimes, it just has to happen. i'm the dumper, and yet i'm the one with the broken heart.

[whenamansloveisreal]

ray kay has it right.

 

if u read my post in love cabin you would see i understand and a woman like this i will fight forever for.

[Benson]

When my GF did it she barely had any expression on her face, just that she was scared... She didnt even cry when I did... One day she will realize she did nothing to help the relationship and see that I was the one doing all the work..

[rocio]

Crying while breaking up with someone is normal. But it can also be selfish and manipulative because it sends out mixed messages. I think a part of it can also be feeling guilt and not wanting the other person to be angry at you. A certain amount of crying is okay, but at the same time - you've made your decision and you should have the strength to carry through.