Wondering what to do

[sepulveda]

I've been seeing a guy for almost two years now, living together for one. We've had a bunch of random instances where he has pushed the boundaries of our relationship.

 

1) When we first started dating, he started dating someone else (no biggie, we weren't exclusive). Several months down the road (after we were exclusive) he arranged to meet her when we were on a road trip to the city where she lived. He told her that he was seeing someone (or so he tells me) & she called him at 2am drinking by herself & crying alone that it was supposed to be "their weekend." Anyway, she cyberstalked me & things got weird & I told him that he had to cut off all contact with her if he were to move on with me. I find out that he wanted to send her a birthday present (8months after our conversation) & that they were still in contact. After confronting him with it (february 2006) he stopped talking to her.

 

2) I had purchased two tickets too a band that he wanted to see for his birthday (9/05) but couldn't go for family reasons. He told me that he went by himself & scalped the extra ticket (for $20 less than face). It turns out that he took a girl I hadn't met & was stiffing me on the price. I only found this out 5months later after she brought it up (we had since become friends)...

 

 

Anyway, on to today.

We had what I thought was a pretty stable relationship. We even just got a puppy since I work at home now & are thinking of buying a fixer-upper in vegas. I found out that he sent some sentimental song to his ex-girlfriend in AZ (She's married to some well-off guy & has a 1 y/o & apparently stays at home & buys horses with his money). He told her about the house in vegas when she told him that she had visited the weekend previous to his sentimental email and "had a feeling she might run into him when she was out there." I don't know how he responded but her reply was that she didn't need to stay with him when she visits in April for a horse show as she already had reservations on the strip. None of his responses mention me at all (for all she knows we had broken up..."he's getting a puppy" "he's buying a house"). Ok, this was a couple of weeks ago, now onto the present...His Cousin (a close friend of both of ours) is having his 40th b-day party in vegas in February. At first I was invited (we are truthfully close), but since none of the other fellas have ladies (including the b-day boy) it turned into a guy's weekend & I graciously made no fuss about the unvite. Anyway I found out that my boyfriend has invited his married ex out for that weekend & I'm not sure what to do. Her response skirted the question. I think that truthfully she's just bored at being a housewife & likes the attention from her ex, & won't act on it...but then again...what do I know? Our relationship has grown apart in the past month & a half & I'm just not sure what to do.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

It doesn't sound like you trust him much, or that he's done much to earn your trust. I don't know enough about your situation to really say this, but from what I read it sounds like he could be playing you.

[hosswhispra]

His Cousin (a close friend of both of ours) is having his 40th b-day party in vegas in February. At first I was invited (we are truthfully close), but since none of the other fellas have ladies (including the b-day boy) it turned into a guy's weekend & I graciously made no fuss about the unvite. Anyway I found out that my boyfriend has invited his married ex out for that weekend & I'm not sure what to do. Her response skirted the question. I think that truthfully she's just bored at being a housewife & likes the attention from her ex, & won't act on it...but then again...what do I know? Our relationship has grown apart in the past month & a half & I'm just not sure what to do.

 

He invited you then uninvited you and invited her. No. I do not think so. Totally unacceptable (at least in my book).

[BeStrongBeHappy]

one doesn't dump one's girlfriend for the weekend to spend the weekend with an ex-girlfriend... just totally ridiculous for you to even think about putting up with this... and why aren't your furious at him, you should be!

 

don't be distracted by the fact that his ex is married now... that is irrelevant, they most likely are cheating... otherwise, why not invite you on that weekend too if she is just an old friend and he has nothing to hide? you're his live-in girlfriend, which in theory should imply a level of commitment that does NOT allow him to go away on weekends with other women without you...

 

and if he's lying and taking other girls to concerts etc. on YOUR ticket, then i also think the odds are VERY high that he has been seeing girls on the side during your relationship, and is still doing so!

 

this all sounds really bad to me, like he has cheated on you multiple times, and you are just finding excuses to try to look the other way... anyway, the first thing you should do is protect yourself from him giving you STDs, and seriously rethink whether you want to be with a guy who keeps wandering off with other women when you aren't paying attention.

[Rabican]

The big problem here is that he un-invited you for a guys weekend out, and then invites another girl. Id tell him I hoped he had a good life with his ex, and Id move out.

 

But thats just me. He doesnt sound like hes doing anything to earn, or keep your trust, that would not happen to me anymore. Ive been down that road, wont do it again. Id rather be single than with someone I didnt trust, or at least MOSTLY trust.

 

Im not sure how you should confront the issue, since it seems you are snooping, which I think if fine if you have a reasons... but you dont seem to have enough to really be a deal breaker or enough that he cant talk his way out of unless you are willing to really stand firm.

[annie24]

DTMFA. Dump the MF already. he is not good, he is messing around behind your back, having dates with other women (yes, they are dates!)

 

go with your gut on this one and just leave. it's not going to get better.

[RayKay]

Ugh, I got the creepy-crawlies just reading this!

 

Try reading your post as an outsider, as if your best friend was writing it - what would you say to her?

 

If it is anything but "dump this jerk" and "you deserve better" well, maybe you need to be a better friend

 

Seriously, sure he uninvited you for a "guys weekend" - fine. But he asked out another GIRL to it! He clearly makes plans to see other women without letting you know, and IS leading his ex to believe that he is not committed (which, really, he isn't).

 

Seriously, this needs to stop now. The longer you put up with this, the worse it will get, and the worse you are going to feel...and the more likely you will stay because you will begin to believe this is normal. It isn't. If someone is always pushing the "boundaries" of a relationship, that is NOT a healthy relationship or partner for you!

[xprincessbugx]

LEAVE!! What a jerk...

[Cadence308]

You should dump him! You don't trust him. He's dating other women behind your back and never mentions you to any of his female friends and exs. He's always looking for opportunities to spend time with other women. He lied about the concert and uninvited you. What more proof do you need that he's a jerK?!](*,)

[Suzy-TO]

You dont deserve this treatment. Once the trust is gone, what have you got left? Ask yourself if this is something you really want 5, 10 years down the line when you have much more to lose.

[Scout]

Hi, Sepulveda...I can see why you are feeling so anxious and distant from your boyfriend. What shocking news this must have been to learn! Although, I have to say...you probably weren't all that shocked considering the other incidents in the past.

 

To me, it sounds like your boyfriend, for reasons that have nothing to do with you, cannot commit 100% to this relationship. Probably not any relationship. Oh, he can get in one, but he continues to keep openings with other women. I suspect he's probably physically cheated on you by now, too. Everything you've mentioned are the classic hallmark signs of a cheater, I'm afraid to say.

 

I think you're just going to have to ask yourself if you can put up with this. If you can, I would be curious to know why. Do you think it's better to have your boyfriend than none at all? Do you think you can't handle life on your own? Do you think you won't ever meet anyone better? I know these are tough questions to ask yourself, but better to do this hard thinking now than after you're married and legally bound to the guy. Because I don't think he's ever going to stop this kind of deceitful behavior. Very early on in your relationship...and throughout...he has discovered you will put up with it.

[sepulveda]

I told him that I know that he invited his ex out to a weekend that he knew I wasn't going to be there. His response was "it's not like she was going to stay with me & the guys...besides it was more of a joke, I didn't think she'd actually come." I asked him what would have happened if she said yes. He said "There's nothing wrong with catching up with old friends." I said that there was when it was a weekend that you specifically knew I wasn't going to be around. He said "you'd do the same with your ex." I said "No, If you were away for the weekend I certainly wouldn't invite y ex to come & hang out with me...it's completely over the line." Anyway...I'm pretty sure that there's no physical cheating, but that doesn't make any of this better.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

please don't try to convince yourself there was no physical cheating... he seems very adept at trying to convince you he did nothing wrong by using an excuses and what appear to be untruths...

 

lots of people in relationships believe everything they are told by their partner because they WANT to believe he won't lie, cheat, etc. so don't discount all the things he has been DOING because of what he has been SAYING. what he has been doing is a better measure of the truth that what he has been saying. and what he has been doing is hooking up with other women and giving you lame excuses if you catch him at it.