Am I wrong?

[veneratio]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years, no problems. She recently became more religious and doesn't want to have sex anymore and it's really starting to bother me. We went from having sex almost everyday to nothing. Just a complete stop. That's kind of hard to deal with. When we had sex I felt bad for doing it as often as we did, once a week was fine for me, even once every two weeks, but I didn't want it to stop. I was never the one to initiate it, I guess you could say I was sort of a prude before I met her.

 

It might sound like I'm being shallow, but I'm really not. I'm not someone who can just go out and screw anyone. I believe there's a lot of passion behind sex with someone you truly care about. Emotional sex. And right now, I just feel like her friend and she can't understand that.

 

We're taking a break right now, or we're not going out anymore, whatever you want to call it, and it feels better than being with her. I feel restricted with her, I mean I am, and I hate feeling like that. Maybe it bothers me to know that I couldn't have it if I wanted to? I think that's part of it...

 

Any help? Suggestions?

[caro33]

I'm not sure I understand how becoming more religious can kill off her own sex drive. And it's not like stopping can unring that particular bell...

 

Anyway, sex is an important part of a relationship for many people. It seems the rules have changed in your relationship and it seems to me to be completely fair for you to evaluate if the new version is what you want.

 

I'm sorry I have no suggestions beside the obviously unhelpful 'deal with it or leave'. If she's certain about this new direction I'm not sure you have any other options to be frank.

 

Could this be a phase she's going though, or do you think it's permanent?

[veneratio]

I think it's permanent.

 

Every now and then she'll come onto me, which I think is pretty unfair. When I want it I can't have it, but when she wants it, she has to have it.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA veneratio! Great to have you around here.

 

Yeah man, that is hard to deal with. Once you start having sex, any retraction tends to cause problems, emotionally, mentally, even physically. It can mess with your head for sure and cause definite distance in the relationship in a lot of ways, one of which you expressed in feeling like her "friend". Yeah I've heard that before...

 

You are not shallow and I also echo your sentiments about sex 100%.

 

Now, I think it is time to collect yourself, what you want, where you want to go with the relationship, and get together with her for a serious sit-down with this. Try to understand her desire to become more religious and see if a compromise can be reached where you guys can maintain intimacy in the relationship. Also, look at what you have together beyond the physical aspects of the relationship and think of what life would be like without her and those other positive aspects of the relationship.

 

I'd probably do this sooner than later as it sounds like your motivation is waning here. There's no sense staying in this if your heart truly isn't in it.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Personally I don't think you are being shallow, sex was a part of your relationship for three years and most people would agree that it's a fairly important part. I agree with you that to stop having sex with you, unless she's wanting it is not fair. Since the religious angle doesn't seem to be consistent, is it possible that there's something else going on?

[friscodj]

I think it's permanent.

 

Every now and then she'll come onto me, which I think is pretty unfair. When I want it I can't have it, but when she wants it, she has to have it.

 

Yeah, that's no good. Sounds controlling really, although she probably doesn't intend for it to be. My guess is she is probably immature, maybe trying to "find herself" in religion.

 

I think you guys need to have a talk, a serious one, no holes barred, get to the bottom of this and go from there.

[friscodj]

Since the religious angle doesn't seem to be consistent, is it possible that there's something else going on?

 

This is definitely possible too. Perhaps this religious phase is a way to fill a void left by feelings that have dissipated for you and the relationship. If not religion, perhaps something else would have/will take its place.

 

At any rate, if the relationship is deprioritized for her, there are going to be problems. And with what you wrote about her getting what she wants when she wants it regarding sex, that might be the first step to you residing in her back pocket.

 

Some things to think and talk about perhaps...

[jimthzz]

Um, did she mention that her religious beliefs only allow her to have sex within the framework of a marriage?

 

I'm thinking she either just blew you off as not someone she wants to sleep with or she is trying to pressure you into proposing marriage.

 

In either case, I don't think that bodes well for your relationship.

 

Seems manipulative.

[Aurian]

Don't have any advice, but another vote for you not being shallow. The relationship had some intimacy. Most couple relationships have that intimacy or are building towards that. To suddenly cut it off, changes the rules. Now you don't have the physical and emotional intimacy you once shared.

[Rabican]

Is she suddenly waiting for marriage? If not, and she loves you I dont know what the religion had to do with it.

 

I think in any of these situations, it just comes down to wether or not you are compatible with a person given their sexual desires/ lifestyle. Really, take sex out of any relationship and all you have is friendship. Its that physical relationship that takes afriendship to that next level. take that out COMPLETELY and why bother?

 

I think if I were you, Id sit her down and say hey, whats the point of us being together, or being a couple if we are not going to express our feelings with anything other than a verbal I love you.

 

That said, if she has some health issue, or something like that...or say shes depressed or something Then the best thing you can do is try and be patient and work it out with her.

[veneratio]

thanks for the welcome friscodj.

 

To the marriage question, yes. But even with that said, it doesn't make much sense to me. It's not like I'm going to screw her then run. And it's not like she's a virgin. And since she's not, there really isn't a point to wait until marriage. That's just my opinion though.

 

And as for the void, I never thought of that. I don't see it though. She wants to be around me now more than ever and we were hoping to move in together sometime next year.

 

Do you all think this is something that's going to last? I can't really tell myself. I know for sure it wont work if I have to wait 3-4 years until we're married. I get frustrated about it which causes us to argue.

 

Thanks for the help everyone, I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

[friscodj]

And as for the void, I never thought of that. I don't see it though. She wants to be around me now more than ever and we were hoping to move in together sometime next year.

 

Well, you got me on this one. Has she had some life-changing experience happen recently?

 

At any rate, this is a problem for you thereforeeee it is a problem for the relationship and needs to be addressed. And I agree, this will come down to your needs and desires in a relationship and how well they fit with hers.

 

But the fact that the intimacy is being dictated on her terms bothers me. I'd get to the bottom of that ASAP and start talking soon before you make more plans with each other. Nip this in the bud. I think there is definitely hope to reach some compromise with this as long as frustration and resentment hasn't built to an unmanageable level and washed out your feelings for her.

[veneratio]

Just the fact that she wants to be more christian-like.

 

Hopefully it works out, but she's hard to budge so it might not.

[friscodj]

It might work out V, don't send this one to the morgue just yet. Give it a chance, give it some time, and get to the bottom of things with a mother of all talks...

[Juliana]

People actually have a guaranteed freedom to pursue the religion of their choice. They also have, if they choose, the right to either have sex, or not.

 

"And it's not like she's a virgin. And since she's not, there really isn't a point to wait until marriage."

 

Oh, buddy, this is so offensive, on so many levels, I'm not even going to go there. Nice of you to put a value on her.

 

If she's willing to have sex within the context of marriage, and you guys are planning to move in together, why aren't you getting married? Why are you choosing to see her attempt to adhere to her religious beliefs more closely as a bad thing?

 

If you don't want to marry her, or aren't sure, and you have to have sex, by all means, leave her. I'm sure that would be for the best. But her right to decide what to believe and what to do with her body is not something that leaves her open to accusations. It's a personal freedom. "Sex on tap" isn't something that is guaranteed in any relationship, whether the person is religious, married, or whathaveyou.

[rocio]

I think it's permanent.

 

Every now and then she'll come onto me, which I think is pretty unfair. When I want it I can't have it, but when she wants it, she has to have it.

 

This is the part that worries me. It's a bit manipulative. In her defense, however, I'm sure she's fighting her urges and just gives in sometimes. It's only human.

 

This situation really sucks for you. But at the same time, she hasn't really done anything wrong. She's just trying to be the best person she can be, in the way that she feels is appropriate. If you can't handle the no-sex thing (I know I wouldn't be able to handle it), then it might be a dealbreaker.

[veneratio]

Julianna--I don't see it as a bad thing, it isn't easy to deal with. And yes, she has every right to do as she likes, just as I do. I'm not saying she doesn't. All I'm trying to do is get some help, suggestions, insight. I'm still in school, I don't have a job, this is why we haven't moved in together yet.

 

Thanks amber, I know she's trying to be a better person, but it's hard to deal with and hard to get used to. I'm going to try to handle it cause I love her a lot. Thanks for understanding though.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

This is the part that worries me. It's a bit manipulative. In her defense, however, I'm sure she's fighting her urges and just gives in sometimes. It's only human.

But doesn't that just underscore the fact that this whole celibacy thing is forced and kind of silly (in the context of *this* particular relationship)? I don't want to get into a flame war about religion, but the idea that a woman is "pure" when she holds out and "dirty" when she puts out is a bit archaic don't y'all think? Like you gain in morality when you don't have sex, it's absurd.

[Juliana]

Well, you can certainly consider it what you like, Reluctant, you are free to do that. As is the OP free to consider that the fact that she is no longer a virgin means there's no particular reason for her to "hold out" for marriage. That's exactly the point -- she has the freedom to determine and value her own sexuality exactly as she wishes. That's not up for debate. The OP may not like it -- if she came home and announced she was bi, that would most likely also be problematic -- but the question is simply how does he choose to deal with it?

 

Our control over our partner's bodies is a huge issue in marriage; weight gain or loss, standards of personal hygiene, and sexuality all become contentious. What right does someone have to gain excessive amounts of weight once they're married? That affects their partner. What right do they have to either exercise to the point of being a hard body, or not at all? That affects their partner. The OP is simply facing earlier what he would definitely have had to face later: The fact that people in monogamous relationships can have very different sex drives. Rather than struggling with questions of why she's chosen to do it, it's more effective to look at whether or not this makes them incompatible, and if so, why.

 

btw, Reluctant, you are assuming that that was the reasoning behind her decision, but many different faiths choose abstenince, either for periods of time or completely, as part of their religious observance. Christianity does not impute impurity to sex; it tries to explore the relationship people have with each other when they are sexual. In fact, the earliest marriages were like this one -- simple agreements to be man and wife; sexual expression was left until the couple lived together, but they were considered to be married from the point they expressed commitment to be married. Betrothal was considered a legally binding state and women who were engaged were considered to be married, for all intents and purposes; the marriage simply hadn't become sexual yet.

[rocio]

But doesn't that just underscore the fact that this whole celibacy thing is forced and kind of silly (in the context of *this* particular relationship)? I don't want to get into a flame war about religion, but the idea that a woman is "pure" when she holds out and "dirty" when she puts out is a bit archaic don't y'all think? Like you gain in morality when you don't have sex, it's absurd.

 

It's not absurd. If you become involved with a particular religion, and that religion's stance on sex before marriage is that it is wrong, well then no, it's not silly. You can't take back your virginity, but you can try to do what's right starting today.

[veneratio]

Well, it's done. Thanks to everyone who tried to help.

[caro33]

Well, it's done. Thanks to everyone who tried to help.

 

Are you okay to talk about it? Can you let us know how it went?

[veneratio]

We talked it out, things are fine now. Hopefully it works. Thanks for the concern caro.

[friscodj]

We talked it out, things are fine now. Hopefully it works. Thanks for the concern caro.

 

Good to hear it. I sincerely hope it does work out for you guys.

 

The only advice I would like to add here is that change is not going to feel "right". It might feel "good", ir might feel "weird", but it will feel "different". What you both knew as "right" before led to the break up.

 

So focus on working out this problem from the source up and assure each other you are doing good when things aren't feeling "right", "not the same", or variants of these feelings. These feelings left unadressed and/or misinterpereted are big reasons why relationships end again. Another big reason is not having patience with the changing process, realize that too.