GIRLS: would you be upset if..

[saint_saul]

I see what you're saying melrich and I agree, I think it some cases or ways, it can be more destabilizing than just not doing anything at all. There's just a fine line; kind of like you give, I give. At least, that has usually worked in my past relationships when it comes to small things.

 

edit:

Getting kinda late for me. Thanks for everyone's opinion and advice. I really appreciate it.

[melrich]

Yeah, like I said, you have to pick your battles. Good luck.

[saint_saul]

Oh, I forget to say something earlier I was going to mention -- sometimes I get the double standard of this. If we're watching a movie or something, and I say a guy is cute or make some similar remark, he'll say "Excuse me?" in a half-joking, half-serious way. I don't really do it often (I say stuff like that about girls I see as well) because I know that it hurts him, even if just a tiny bit. We all have image issues, and I don't like encouraging them. I think is sort of comparable to the Cosmo thing earlier -- he doesn't say specifically "don't do that" but he doesn't say "keep doing that," either. That's how I came accross with Maxim, not like "stop it right now."

[caro33]

Oh, I forget to say something earlier I was going to mention -- sometimes I get the double standard of this. If we're watching a movie or something, and I say a guy is cute or make some similar remark, he'll say "Excuse me?" in a half-joking, half-serious way. I don't really do it often (I say stuff like that about girls I see as well) because I know that it hurts him, even if just a tiny bit. We all have image issues, and I don't like encouraging them. I think is sort of comparable to the Cosmo thing earlier -- he doesn't say specifically "don't do that" but he doesn't say "keep doing that," either. That's how I came accross with Maxim, not like "stop it right now."

 

Well I'm not saying a poor self-image is a good thing, but him having one will help him understand where you might be coming from down the track, if you did get uncomfortable. My guy has no image problems and no jealousy, so it's hard to get him to see the world from my more insecure perspective.

 

Sounds like you're sensible and compassionate and I assume he is too, given you picked him. So there'll be little things like this that bite at your comfort zones, but you can generally negotiate through them with some empathy and willingness to compromise & show trust.

 

See how you go, you might enjoy the mags more than he does. I love my free subscription to whatever it is.

[rikka]

I know you are already in bed saint_saul, but I am going to echo Caro33's statements... maybe you will enjoy it more than he does. My guy gets Maxim all the time, I read it more than he does i think. It is entertaining smut and a lot of fun to read sometimes.

 

I am also going to echo some other people, trust your gut and your reaction. Sometimes seeking the counsel of others causes issues.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Of course I would be livid, and he'd be my ex within 5 minutes, especially given that my boyfriend would (does) already know how I feel aboue disgusting magazines like that presenting women as objects.

 

It is NOT acceptable. And it isn't "natural and normal". Of course it is natural to like to look at attractive women, just like it is natural to eat - but Maxim etc is about as "natural" as MacDonalds, and just as toxic - get my drift?

 

COMPLETELY unacceptable.

[Lady Luck]

lol, my boyfriend is subscribed to both Maxim AND Stuff magazine. At first I was thinking, "Why does he have those?! He has me!" I asked him about it and he just replied, "I don't have them for the girls, I read them for the stories. They're actually pretty funny." So I chose to believe him. If he reads it for the stories, all the more power to him. If he does it for the girls, well, I'll live with it. It only bothers me when a girl I find attractive is somewhere in it. =)

[rikka]

They really do read them for the articles. Evan was telling me this fascinating story about fraternity pledging gone wrong etc and I asked where he saw/read this. His response "Playboy". (it was there, i read it. Fascinating article). I read his playboy's all the time because there really are interesting articles in there.

[onmyownagain]

As a guy, I like to look at images of women like most men but my wife doesn't have a problem with this. We do sometimes watch porn together but I think I would have a problem with her looking at it alone with her vibrator, even though I myself do this on occasion.

 

I wouldn't stop her because that would be controlling and she is happy for me to do it when I am alone.

 

Looking at this sort of thing may not be wrong but if it is an issue in your relationship then it certainly needs to be addressed. Forget what others say, if you don't like it you have the right to react as you want.

[Caterina]

Of course I would be livid, and he'd be my ex within 5 minutes, especially given that my boyfriend would (does) already know how I feel aboue disgusting magazines like that presenting women as objects.

 

It is NOT acceptable. And it isn't "natural and normal". Of course it is natural to like to look at attractive women, just like it is natural to eat - but Maxim etc is about as "natural" as MacDonalds, and just as toxic - get my drift?

 

COMPLETELY unacceptable.

 

I agree with this.

----

Although, saintsaul its really odd to me that you are okay with pornography but not Maxim, which is a lot less explicit. Are you more concerned with the fact that he became defensive? If thats the case, I understand.

 

Also, DN, I disagree with you about her being controlling. If she has an issue with lol the issue (sorry, the pun just fell into place) then she should communicate with him. The compromise falls where they discuss their feelings about the issue. Telling her that she has to be mute over the way she feels about something he does that she dislikes is unhealthy. I think always doing your best to avoid anything that might make you "unattractive" to a man would be a miserable life.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Dude, I HATE pornography, where did I ever say that was OK?!? If I ever asid that, it was a grave grave typo.

 

i abhor porn. I watched it in my early teens, for a year + I've been an ANTI porn campaigner.

[Caterina]

Dude, I HATE pornography, where did I ever say that was OK?!? If I ever asid that, it was a grave grave typo.

 

i abhor porn. I watched it in my early teens, for a year + I've been an ANTI porn campaigner.

Sorry, I was trying to separate the piece with a line...that part was addressed to the original poster.

[DN]

Caterina wrote

Also, DN, I disagree with you about her being controlling. If she has an issue with lol the issue (sorry, the pun just fell into place) then she should communicate with him. The compromise falls where they discuss their feelings about the issue. Telling her that she has to be mute over the way she feels about something he does that she dislikes is unhealthy. I think always doing your best to avoid anything that might make you "unattractive" to a man would be a miserable life.

 

In my experience, when you live with someone there are any number of things a partner does that can annoy you or that you disagree with to a greater or lesser degree. Some of those things you should just let go if you want a good relationship because you need to accept people more or less as they are - not how you want them to be.

 

If reading Maxim, or voting for a particular candidate, or the way he combs his hair is enough to break the relationship then you should not be with him in the first place.

 

But to constantly talk about the things you disagree with in a partner will be seen a complaining, nagging or controlling if you don't learn to separate what is important from what is not.

 

The basic thing to remember is that any attempt to modify someone's behaviour is, by definition, controlling. Merely mentioning it is an attempt to change that person - if it is not, why mention it?

 

This is not to say that things cannot be discussed or requests to modify behaviour should not be made - but discretion should be used as in all things. And before any of this should be done you should be careful to question your own motivations. Imposing moral or ethical beliefs is a tricky area in which to tread.

[sunflower71]

I wouldn't worry about it at all! It's the equivalent of our girl mags (Cosmo, Glamour, etc.). And maybe it has tips inside on how to make "his girl" happy! Cosmo is always featuring articles on "how to please your man".

 

He probably doesn't feel anything more toward the models, than you would feel toward the men in Cosmo. I know a lot of guys who are one hundred percent happy with their girlfriends (who don't look like Brazilian supermodels)...and they read Maxim, and even worse....Playboy!

[saint_saul]

Caterina -- I guess the porn thing is kinda weird but what you said was right, his reaction was what really concerned me.

 

DN, I agree with A LOT of what you have to say, but I don't see the relevance of most of it in this situation. For instance, I agree that a partner can do a number of things that may be annoying, and I also agree that sometimes you should just let go. That's the route I had originally intended and am still taking. Any conflicts here? I also agree with that trivial things (like appearance of hair or politics.. although that isn't necessarily trivial to some people if you intend to be open minded) should not break up a relationship. That's why I'm still with my boyfriend and he's still with me =). I'm not sure why you mentioned "constantly talk about the things you disagree with.." because my boyfriend and I actually don't constantly disagree! I'm pretty sure I said in an earlier post that the convo we did have was short -- were you just inferring that we constantly had arguments or what? Little confused and offended there. And, while I agree that some arguing can be seen as "nagging, "controlling," and so forth, that's not how my boyfriend chose to "see" it. I also agree with your "basic definition of controlling," although I think it's too simplistic for everyday situations like this one. If I found someone I truly loved and they were a smoker, which I opposed, would me asking them to curb their smoking habits be controlling to you? You might say "Why mention it?" (as you said above) but what if it was affecting more than one person's health -- like kids? The end of your comment was contradictory; you say in the former statement that you shouldn't mention these trivial things and the latter "it's okay to discuss or make requests." Which is it? In my situation, I used perfect discretion -- not sure if you're implying if I did or did not. The only part I perhaps failed on was understanding my own motivations, but I can assure you they are way more deep than just wanting to be "controlling." Lastly, my thread has nothing to do with imposing moral or ethical beliefs. If I had moral/ethical issues, it would definitely start with porn, wouldn't it?

[chigal28]

My ex-bf's best friend and I used to get in fights over Maxim....over who got to read the new issue first when it arrived at their apartment. It's actually pretty good entertainment, and in flipping past the photos to get to the next article, I've found that they're usually pretty tastefully done, too.

[Luck of the Irish]

I didn't read through all of the replies, os forgive me if this has been mentioned before. To the OP, I understand where you're coming from. I really do. But let me add this quote from you.

 

I don't care about pornography

If he subscribed to Playboy, or Penthouse, that is a BAD thing and you should not tolerate it. But it's Maxim. It is NOT porn, or anything even close. Most of the articles in there are about cars, sports, guns, sex tips, and crap like that. Yes, it does have pics of women not wearing much, but it's a men's magazine. You can actually read it. And another thing. Its free. Maybe he has buddies who like that magazine, and he wants to give them free copies.

[Weeblie]

Wow!

 

7 pages of comments for maxim?!?!?!

Honestly maxim isn't even like real porn. It's nothing worse than what you can see on the tv or in a pg-13 movie.

 

If anything it sounds like your boyfriend is too shy to buy real porn. Maxim isn't anything worth being upset over. Everyone in there is airbrushed. Ask any photographer. No one looks like that without a little photoshop.

[Caterina]

I agree with almost all of this. I think moral/ethical beliefs are definet boundary markers that should be worked out very early in the relationships...and are certainly heavy enough to be considered dealbreakers. If she's constantly nagging him about changing himself over a bunch of little things and constantly perpetuates an image of dissatisfaction, I'd definetly say thats wrong. No one wants to be around someone who is controlling and constantly trying to change them. But we don't know if thats the case here...this could be her only issue...and its important to her...altho, to her it really isn't a moral/ethical issue at least when it comes to sexuality...

[FCTex]

I didn't bother to read other posts, but to directly answer the original poster..

 

I think you are way way way insecure if you pick a fight over a magazine.. Not just any magazine, but one that isn't directly considered to be pornographic..

 

I think it's down right rediculous for one to as so much cause any ruckous over that. Thats my personal opinion.

 

It's not all near-naked women. Be a little open minded and perhaps open one and read it. Yes, I said, READ it. It's not a big boy picture book. There are some amusing, time burning articles that help entertain and make one laugh and think..

 

 

Sheesh.. I think I might get mad at my girlfriend for looking at Cosmo and such. With all those shirtless buff guys and those skanky sex moves!

 

But all in all, I think your just upset with his reaction, and it's perfectly fine.. It's more along the lines of picking your battles.

 

My girlfriend has no problem with me reading that stuff. I have Maxim, Stuff, FHM, and the like. I have sport magazines with women in them.. I have a whole coffee table full, I have a bathroom full, I have a desk with them all on it.. She doesn't care... She DOES care that I don't entertain myself in trashy strip clubs, unless she's with me and a group and we go to spend a few hours of drinks and music and cutting up..

 

To each his own however. Next time, just think of a reaction of you were switched and assume the worse. It's natural to be taken back a little bit by the sheer almost crazy request to not read a magazine.

[michelemybell]

I remember when I first started dating my now husband. I would get all upset about him looking/reading Playboy and similar magazines. I was so insecure about myself and our relationship. I still sometimes find issues of Playboy or Maxim, but it doesn't bother me now since we've been together for a long time. If you find that your guy is obsessed with these women or looking at porn and not paying attention to you, then you have cause for concern. Otherwise, all guys look at these things and it has nothing to do with you. Both men and women look at the opposite sex. I'm sure you will look at other guys and perhaps have fantasies...and it doesn't mean a thing unless you act upon them. It's human nature. Trust me, the longer you are in the relationship and the more secure you become, the less this is going to bother you.

[Rabican]

If you are uncomfortable with it, then talk to him about it. However, you do need to realize that there is nothing in Maxim, or FHM that you cannot see on MTV or VH1 at any given time of day on TV. So... if you are going to start regulating what magazines he can get... when they are not even porn, or not even playboy... IF I were him id start wondering what kind of control nazi I was dating.

 

I dont say that to be mean, but thats what most guys (I think) would think in that situation. Being offended by porn is one thing, Maxim is another entirely I think.

 

Furthermore, we dont get upset at you for reading cosmo, which is basically a sex how to magazine and full of guys with no shirts. Maxim is the guy magazine equivalent.

[BellaDonna]

However, you do need to realize that there is nothing in Maxim, or FHM that you cannot see on MTV or VH1 at any given time of day on TV.

 

I agree. Or better yet, if you receive the Victoria's Secret catalog (which is designed to sell lingerie to women) , there are a lot more skimpy outfits and provocative poses in that catalog than there is in Maxim or FHM.

 

I don't personally have a problem with Maxim or FHM. They are just brainless passtimes- like reading Cosmo or the celebrity gossip magazines. We all indulge in reading junk once in a while.

 

Last Christmas I got my husband subscriptions to both of those magazines. This year when I asked if he wanted me to renew it - he said no. Don't make it something "off limits" because it only makes it more appealing to him.

 

Okay so I have one confession to make regarding Maxim. Once there was a photograph and accompanying article in one issue which I was not too fond of. I found it very degrading and demeaning. So I drew in certain renditions of various body parts on the woman pictured along with small creatures that looked like crabs and various captions that cannot be disclosed here (use your imagination) Other than vandalizing that one photograph, I have never felt any discomfort about the contents of that magazine. My husband actually got a kick out of my "artwork" in his magazine.

 

BellaDonna

[rodeo-rider]

Maxim is not comparable to a porno mag, IMO. Basic cable shows pretty much the same thing.

 

The cosmo/maxim analogy is a good one...although I don't remember cosmo having much in the way of scantilly clad men like maxim has scantilly clad women....IMO these mags are all trashy, mostly ads and stuff.

 

I would like to add that porn..hard core is NOT the same as these magazines. Geez, if that were what my old man wanted to look at INSTEAD of the really dirty depraved stuff, I would be doing handsprings (that is if I could still DO handsprings LOL).

 

Ladies. lets start a mission. Lets have a PORN FREE DAY LOL. Like arbor day, or flag day. We could start a movement! Get on the Today show, really get our message out! We could lobby at all the supermarkets LOL! Get President ding a ling to make it a national holiday! YAY!

 

We could declare small breasts and big ankles sexy! Maybe they would make a postage stamp we could sell as a fund raiser!

 

Now, Mods, I am not flaming. I also don't agree that every time a gal on here has a problem with the one they love looking at other sexy women that they are automatically insecure. That word is too easy to use to dismiss someones feelings, and that is what we should care about, isn't it?

 

I am not in the business of hurting feelings. I don't like having mine hurt, I can't blame anyone else for wanting the same.

[Caterina]

BellaDonna, I don't think that always applies. I made pink easter bunny suits off limits to my boyfriend and he wasn't more attracted to it because of that.