sunflower71

I just don't understand why it always has to be one person who makes the sacrifices. Seriously...I am a flexible person...but I also take pride in my accomplishments and do not think that it's fair that I would've had to give them all up so that he could continue to live where he wants, continuing doing what he wants, etc. Is it wrong of me to not have wanted to make all of the sacrifices? How would any of you feel if you had worked really hard, and then had to give it ALL up???

Hi there, I had a long talk last night with my long distance partner (I'm going to call him Jim for simplicity). We discussed how I've developed feelings for someone else and that I did feel very, very bad about it....we both had hope and a lot of time invested into our relationship. I feel that I'm an evil, deceptive tramp of a woman for having strayed from Jim. He claims (and I believe him) that he has always been loyal to me. I explained how I felt that if it was really meant to be, that it would've been by now...after all these years. I tried to move where he is, and he could've moved where I am. He said that he always felt as if I was discouraging him to move to where I am. I can understand his feelings. Although I wanted him to move here, I didn't want to live in the same home immediately (wanted to see how things went...it's okay to take your time and I don't think you should co-habit unless you are absolutely sure). I was afraid that if he moved here, and it didn't work out, then I would've screwed his whole life over. I had tried to move where he was, but was so difficult. Lack of my profession in his community, I have a home, etc., etc. I'm a little more deeply engrained where I am, and it's not as easy for me to pick up and leave...whereas, he could have EASILY found work (I'm repeating myself from other posts...sorry). I have days where I'm not all that crazy or happy about my profession. It's stressful...but I think it's because of the nature of the industry that I practice in. If I chose a different industry to work in - I believe my job may be less stress, and more rewarding. Jim suggests that I quit my profession, and take a clerical job where there will be no stress and then I can live where he is. I've worked so hard to get to where I am, and I can't just walk away from my career and throw away all of the years of effort I put into obtaining my graduate degree. I'm also comfortable and satisfied with the quality of life that my career affords me. I can travel and I can provide myself with a home and the occasional extravagance. I do not have to struggle and I do not have to sacrifice to the point of being uncomfortable. If I was to work at a job that is a quarter of the salary I'm used to, I would be unhappy, and my lifestyle and long term plan would change. Here we are back on the is money everything discussion....Jim says that money isn't everything. I agree with him....but in order to have a life with the opportunities that I want and to practice what I've learned in my education, I need to remain in my career. If I do change my career, it will be to take further schooling so that I can remain in the same income category. I can't help but think I will never get over this relationship. The pain today is so debilitating that I just cannot fathom how this will pass??? Maybe I will regret not throwing my career, my home, my lifestyle away for this man? Maybe if I had, I would've become resentful as I would've given up a lot more for the relationship than he had? Who knows? Have any of you been through pain so bad that you couldn't bare to look at all of your photographs? You can't think of the person? Every gift they gave you, you place out of sight? Everything you see in your home is attached to a memory with him or her? Do you wish your memories could be wiped out to lessen your pain? How do you let go of your past...and try and look forward to the next chapter in life? How do you let go?

Back again... I wonder why we've hung on for 12 years also. At first, I went away to University....finished my bachelors, then my graduate studies. When all was said and done, seven years had passed. I wanted to travel and see the world before my career became serious....I wanted him to come with me, but he couldn't because of A) passport B) money, because he had chosen not to work for a year. That was okay....I went alone....and returned rich with new experiences and memories. I was disappointed that he didn't join me...despite the fact that he constantly said that he wanted to go with me and he wished that I wouldn't go alone. I continued to feel sad that I didn't have the chance to share the experiences with him, and that I could only try and recount them to him verbally and through pictures. I tried to find employment in his community, as he didn't want to move here, even though it would've been easy for him to find a job in his trade. I tried forever, with no real indications that he would be in favour of coming here. Through all of these times....and being in my twenties, attractive, single in the city...I did have chances to meet and date others. I dated a couple of men seriously...trying to move ahead with my life....with people who seemed to be a little more similar. The reasons that my other relationships failed - because I couldn't stop thinking about the long distance guy. I couldn't bear the thought of marrying someone else because of how I knew it would make him feel. I always feel too guilty about moving on in life. We have invested so much time together (albiet on and off and from afar) that I feel that it's expected, and I'm ruining someone else's life if I decide not to. Maybe I'm overly full of myself for thinking that I'd hurt him. I have gotten to know him quite well over the twelve years...and I do know that he's got a soft heart, and that we have always held a spark for each other, despite the periodic break ups. Twelve years is a LONG time, and we have been such a big part of each others lives that the permanence of goodbye is very painful. Maybe I'm just completely nuts....feelings are sometimes so hard to decipher. Maybe I should just forget ever being a good partner. Maybe it is ME....maybe I'm just not relationship material at all.

Thank you for your feedback. Yes, I am actually very sad about the whole situation. I'm a person who has a VERY difficult time making decisions, and although to some, it may seem for selfish reasons, I actually really, really hate disappointing and/or hurting other people. It's never my intention, although maybe it comes accross this way. Icemotoboy makes some interesting points...and points that I have considered about myself. My unhappiness and uncertainty about the relationship has nothing to do with what this guy has done. It all ultimately boils down to my preferences in life - what I want it to look like ten years down the road. As much as I'd like to believe that it would be wonderful with this man....realistically, I know that our lifestyles are divergent in many ways - ways that could become problematic in a marriage. Who knows?!? I don't know anymore, and I don't think I'll ever choose to get married. I'm scared of it. I watch marriages fail all around me. I watch my parents...my father as openly admitted his unhappiness and incompatibility with my mother. He said if he was able to live his life over again, he wouldn't have gotten married. I know this is just one persons perspective...but maybe this is where some of my fears stem from. I had considered the possibility that he might cheat on me. He's a great guy...why wouldn't other women be interested in him???? He's a good catch. When I found out that he might be seeing someone else...it wasn't a "great crisis"...in all honesty, I felt a little relief....which, could very well have something to do with taking the guilt off my back. I don't feel that I look down on this man...I am not in agreement with some of his lifestyle preferences....which is why this has been a dilemma for so long. I don't ever want to try and change someone...but I had kind of hoped that maybe at some point along the line, he might realize that he should start to think about the future .. and start taking steps to ensure that it will be comfortable. That day still hasn't come. He's still happy living day to day, cheque to cheque. That's fine and he's happy - but I'm not. I don't think I'm wrong for feeling that way. I don't think his dreams are childish...It's refreshing to be around someone so young at heart...but it's also reassuring and comfortable to be with someone who also stops to reassess things from time to time. I've discussed my feelings with him before, and he knows how I feel. I don't think it's fair that I should sacrifice everything that's important to me, in order to make someone else happy. Relationships involve compromise! I've tried to exercise patience with him...patience about the long distance arrangements and patience about his lifestyle. Despite my expressions of concern, I still do not have any evidence of his consideration of my needs and feelings. It's a two way street. I hope I haven't painted myself as unreasonable in my posts. I am also a person who loves to have a good time....BUT...I am VERY serious when I need to be. That's one of my best qualities. Yes - I did ask him about the rumours....he's asked me the same questions in the past. Why should I not ask the same? I like to be in control of my life, where control is possible. I don't like to be in control of others. Not once have I given an ultimatum to him to settle down, move here, etc. I've been open with him about my misgivings of the past, and also with the current ones....which are the same misgivings that I've always had...just raising their head again. I don't think I deserve to see his hurt and pain. I'm glad that I didn't. And yes, maybe it does stem back to guilt. Who likes to feel guilt??? Isn't it human nature to not want to feel guilty? I don't think I'm a victim....I just think I'm an indecisive person, overly influenced by emotions...to a point where I cannot get on with my own life. If I'm a victim, it's only a victim to my own actions.

I wouldn't worry about it at all! It's the equivalent of our girl mags (Cosmo, Glamour, etc.). And maybe it has tips inside on how to make "his girl" happy! Cosmo is always featuring articles on "how to please your man". He probably doesn't feel anything more toward the models, than you would feel toward the men in Cosmo. I know a lot of guys who are one hundred percent happy with their girlfriends (who don't look like Brazilian supermodels)...and they read Maxim, and even worse....Playboy!

I just finally called the long distance guy and tried to discuss this. I told him that I'd heard things, and that I didn't feel that it was working...and he responded aggressively, rather than with concern. He just kept saying "you should know better" "that's ridiculous" "I don't know how anyone could have heard those things, because it isn't true", "why didn't you talk to me about this earlier....rather than avoid conversation all week?". I wasn't ready to talk to him about it earlier, and I've had family around and very limited private time. I said that maybe we should end it....that there were other issues besides rumoured infidelity. He wasn't as sad as I expected. He just said "maybe it is", "maybe it's best".

I'm looking for a little advice. I've been involved with someone in a long distance relationship for the past 12 years. I won't get into the details as to why it has continued to be long distance for so long....that's another thread in itself. I am considering ending the relationship, as I want to move on with my life, and I'd like to be with someone who is accessible and in the same town. I've developed feelings for someone else, and I've been beside myself with feelings of guilt about hurting my long distance boyfriend. I've felt evil, mean, callous, etc., the list goes on. My sister came into town last week and I explained my predicament to her. She said something that completely came out of left field....she said that she had heard from a couple of different sources that my long distance guy has been seeing someone in his town, and that he is often seen in groups where there are many, many women. He lives for the moment and likes to have a good time....his friends are the same, and the town he lives in is CRAWLING with GORGEOUS women, especially during the hot summer months, when they all go boating. I had never even considered the possibility that he might actually cheat on me! I trusted him completely. He had always been the one to accuse me and mistrust me in the past. I had ended up having relationships with other people and have broken up with him in the past (we've been on and off during the past 12 years), so I just accepted that his doubts and fears were totally valid, and that I had given him reason to suspect my intentions. He also has problems with impotence, which he says is a result of his very short periods of time with me, and he wants to make sure that it's great during the short visits. This has been a problem for the past 2 years....and I've been patient, but at this point, I avoid sex altogether. I never had even contemplated that his impotence could be guilt over an affair? A councellor that I'm seeing immediately thought this was a red flag and so did my sister. If I am "hearing things" from my family about this guys actions....do you think there might be something substantial to the rumours? He would not admit to it, even if I asked.... As they say "where there's smoke, there's fire". Thoughts? Thank you.

I hear ya on the experiences thing. This is another bone of contention with my guy. I've travelled extensively....and frugally. I value travel as well, it's such a learning and growing experience. My guy hasn't travelled anywhere outside of Canada further than Oregon State. I've begged him to accompany me on some of my vacations....but he never chose to do so. There was always some sort of excuse...took a couple years to get a passport (due to procrastination). Other times, said he would've like to go, but evaded my questions of "why not then?". His mom took me aside and said that maybe it was because he didn't have enough money. He should've had enough money... had he chosen to work. At 32 and not able to travel because you chose not to work...??? That's hard to understand and respect. Sorry if I come accross as judgemental and a gold digger.

Hi there, Yes we have talked about these issues. I've been explaining for years that these are things that are important to me. He chose not to work for a year so that he could enjoy life and hang out in the boat and on the ski hill. He was happy, and that's great...but I've always been a very hard worker...often working more than one job while trying to put myself through college. I told him that it was important to me that he worked like the majority of adults...he thought that it wasn't necessary yet, as he had the rest of his life (this was when he was 32). I've asked him to try and save, think about getting into the real estate market, etc. I've explained how it would benefit not only "us", but him, even if there were no us. The way he sees it is that his friends aren't worried yet about retirement and are satisfied living day to day. We live in a VERY expensive area of the world and to have kids will add the heft cost of $900 per month for daycare. Add this to mortgage, savings, etc...and you can see that you really do need to exercise some degree of financial responsibility in order to avoid getting into debt. I agree that there are many, many more aspects to a relationship than just finances...and I'm FAR from materialistic. I'm one of the most patient people I know, and I have a very kind heart, which makes the decision of staying or leaving almost impossible to make. I can't bear the idea of hurting him. But I also wonder what lies ahead for me???

Hi there, Here's a touchy subject....should a man be "financially secure" by age thirty-five? What does financially secure mean to you? It is my opinion that someone should be at least thinking about getting their life in order (home, investments, etc.) by the time they are thirty-five. I posted awhile back about conflicting values. I'm a saver, home owner, want to retire early, etc. Partner not so much. Not at all worried about it yet. He would like to have children sometime soon...but I don't think he's ready. Living paycheque to paycheque for the most part...makes $1300 every two weeks and rent is only $300 per month...so has definite savings potential...but when I ask him to try and put away $200 a month...he agrees, but then we never follow up on the conversation. I feel like a nosy nag asking how the $200 a month is going. He doesn't give me direct answers and there is never any paper documentation. I'm not sure where his money goes...as his rent is minimal. He skis, dirtbikes, hangs out with his buddies, boats, golfs, etc. Tons of recreational activities. He's not a fashion plate, so $$$ is not being spent on clothing. He thinks he still has enough time to retire comfortably. He does buy lotto tickets regularly....and saves them all up til years end to have his mom check them for winnings, rather than check himself. I don't understand that??? He does not do much to maintain things like his truck or his boat. Everything gets really run down and the truck has broken down on the the highway more than a few times. Routine servicing might have prevented this. People always tell him that he should've gotten himself into the hot real estate market before the prices became completely out of reach. He just shrugs his shoulders....and has even said to me "why? I don't see any reason to at this point". Because we live in different towns, I think he sees a real estate purchase as the "end"...a deal that will keep him in one location for ever. That is what he believed when I bought my home. He just said "so I guess that means you aren't move to my community?". In your opinions - does it sound as if he is financially responsible/secure, and where do you think the average 35 year old should be lifestyle wise? Thanks for your opinions!

Hi there, I'm also in a LDR and for the past couple of years, he has had erectile problems also. He's fine until the moment arrives where we try, and it just disappears. He says that because of the very limited time that we have together, he worries about his performance and whether or not I'll be happy. I've told him that I don't want him to worry and that I'm not judging...but it's come to the point where I'd rather avoid it also. At least your guy has seen a physician. I've made the suggestion to mine, and he hasn't gone (it's been a couple of years!) .. mostly because I'm certain that he is embarrassed. There are many, many problems in my relationship, and I'm agonizing right now about if and how I should break it off....because I know he will be very hurt. I totally understand your problem. Maybe a councellor would be helpful for you both? I hope that all of it works out in your favour!

Thanks for your responses. Agent, you mentioned that you thought this guy was a security blanket....that struck home to me, as my father has said the same thing. I can't deny the possibility, I think you are both right. I'm just so afraid of hurting him, and I don't know how to get the words out of my mouth via the telephone. The weather has become foul, which makes travel dangerous, so it's unlikely I'll be seeing him in near future. He is a wonderful man...loyal and I know that he loves me. He has a lot to offer that way....but I guess he should be able to give these things to a woman who does not doubt him or the possibility of a future together. I'll miss him. I will be very, very sad when I tell him. I don't know how I will continue to go on. I'll keep on second guessing myself. This is why I'm going to codependency group - I have a very difficult time with decision making, faith in my decisions and upsetting someone (including myself). Do you think that most men, by their mid-thirties would be trying to become established in their lives? Is it a bad sign if someone at this age continues to live day to day, aimlessly? Are patterns likely to change...or are you pretty much who you are going to be by this age? Do you think that if he really, truly wanted to be with me, that he would have moved here, despite my desire to take it slow (separate residences) initially? I know that I had tried to go there for a long time, but I was not willing to sacrifice my career and all of the years that I spent in university to achieve it. The only thing he would've had to sacrifice moving here would have been some recreational activities.

Hi there....this will probably be very long winded...but I'm looking for some advice. I've been involved on&off in a long distance relationship for the past 12 years. At times, I've broken it off to begin relationships with new people - none of which ultimately worked, because I was afraid to take them to the next level for fear of breaking the long-distance guy's heart. Then we'd get back together. We live about 4 hours apart. I'm employed professionally and he is in the trades. I'm an ambitious, goal oriented person...I save for retirement, plan on retiring young, I've bought my own home. I have a definite plan. He is more of a free spirit...living pay cheque to pay cheque, despite the fact that his rent is a mere $300. He could save so much money for his future, and could have easily invested in real estate. When I bought my home, he saw it as a bad thing...rather than something good for potentially both of our futures. He saw me as being tied to the community that I currently live in, and that there would be no hope of me relocating to where he is once I bought the home. I've been trying to find employment in my field in his community, but the search has proven to be fruitless. There is limited turn over and competition is fierce. On the other hand, he could EASILY find employment in my city, but is reluctant to do so, as everything he lives for is in the community that he currently resides in. I don't expect him to give up everything he wants either. We briefly discussed the possibility of him moving here, but I wanted it on the condition that we lived in separate residences for awhile, until we had a realistic sense that the relationship might work, despite our differences. Being in a long distance relationship is like being in holiday mode all the time...you spend time having fun, relaxing, and it doesn't really simulate the grinding issues of daily life. He didn't want to move here unless we lived together....because I didn't want that right away, I told him to stay where he is. It's kind of all or nothing thinking on his part. I have spent the majority of my vacation time in his area, whereas his vacation time is spent right there in his place instead of returning the favor and coming to see me. When I do tell him that I have things to do and can't make it up to see him (having a home comes with responsibilities that often require my presense), when he wants me to (I've had to say no a few times) he becomes sarcastic when I welcome him to come here instead...he says things like "I have things to do too - I have to vaccuum". He gets three days off per week, versus my two, so it would be easier for him to come this way. For the past couple of years, he's had a problem with impotence....he says it happens because he worries so much about his performance in the limited time we have together. I've tried to be patient...but I'm finding that I now want to avoid sex all together to avoid the awkwardness. We've talked a little, and I gently suggested he see a doctor...but he never follows up. I understand that he is embarrassed, but it has caused some suffering in the relationship. I don't know if our goals/values/life styles are too divergent to succeed in a relationship? Is love enough? So many people get married for love, and then 45% of the marriages today fail. I think it's an important decision to make, and one that should be made not only with the heart, but also with your brain. I've had people say to me "are you that stupid? Or selfish? To chose a partner based on their pocketbook?". I'm not chosing based on his pocketbook....I'm chosing based on values/goals. Is this wrong? I've started to have feelings for someone else...someone who parallels my lifestyle a little better. We can communicate well, our conversations are interesting and I feel secure around this man. My long distance guy offers me very little in the way of practical security, which I admit, is important to me in a life partner. Long distance guy's job is a job at which he can "play at". I won't get into specifics, but it involves a lot of leisure time and limited practice of his skill. I'm glad he's happy at it...but it is a little restricting and he doesn't demonstrate the desire for growth. As long as he's happy, that's the important thing. He spends most money accumulating toys (bikes, motorcycles, boats, skis, etc.) rather than planning for a future. He's thirty-five and I wonder if he will ever change his behaviour? Will he ever decide it's time to get serious and plan for his future...whether it's with someone or single? When I try to talk about it with him, he just says things like "none of my buddies are saving yet? Who knows if you'll even live that long?" It completely goes against what is important to me. His phone is programed with "F*&K Off" on the screen as you open it. Juvenile? Any thoughts about this situation and what I should do would be greatly appreciated. I am joining a codependency group, so hopefully that will help me get my head straightened out. Thank you