Am I committing emotional infidelity?

[Shadowfax]

I am working myself into a knot over this so I would appreciate feedback on my situation so I can better see the wood for the trees.

 

I am married and have been with my partner for over ten years. My male friend is also married. We do love our partners. But in Feb this year, we started seeing each other without our partners present and entering what could only be described as emotional infidelity. It became sexual after about five months which resulted (within one month) in my telling him we could no longer see each other.

 

I said to him at the time that we should drop all communications for six months and following this, decide what to do.

 

Last month, we started communicating with each other again. I think we both had the idea we could simply re-establish a normal friendship. However, I feel the whole thing is quickly getting out of control again. For example, I knew he wanted a birthday do but without anyone to prompt him, he'd have just let it go. I suggested the do, and supported him in sending out the invites, etc. His birthday was a success and he really enjoyed himself. I was happy for him.

 

We have started emailing each other several times a day and a couple of days ago we spent two hours on the phone to each other. We had intended to meet up for an evening drink next week but now he says he's wants to take the afternoon off so we can spend all day and evening together.

 

He has been warned several times not to make a move on me. But I'm concerned that all of this is once again spiralling. Am I being emotionally unfaithful to my partner by allowing this to continue? He has serious fears about leaving his wife yet his feelings towards me are obvious. He has admitted being 'madly in love' and that this scares him. I unfortunately am in love with him. Yet, I want us to be friends so we can continue seeing each other. He has been a friend for a very long time.

 

I don't know what my next step should be in all of this mess.

Advice/suggestions on this would be appreciated.

[luvursmile]

And I forgot to add, I think you kind of are being emotionally unfaithful to your husband. I know being physically unfaithful is worse, but emotional infidelity can get you thinking things that you should not be thinking about.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Based on what you have posted, yes, I believe this an emotional affair. You and this man are investing much time together and bonding. That is time and energy being taken away from your husband and marriage and put into with maintaining contact with this other man.

 

Bottom line is you are doing this behind your husband's back and not at all privy as to what you are doing. To me, that is cheating. Because I suspect you know your hubby would not approve and feel terribly hurt and betrayed.

 

Is there something missing from your marriage, do you love your husband? There has to be a reason why you are engaging in this "friendship" with this man.

[amtjrtcet]

Welcome to ENA

 

Yes, this situation definitely sounds like its headed in the same direction it was before. I'd cut communication with him. Obviously the two of you can't handle a platonic relationship and since you've already over-stepped that boundary, you're only asking for trouble.

[texami]

it is unfortunate, but it does sound like you realize that you cannot make yourself available to this guy. even if you want to only be 'friends', you state that he's not going to hold back, and you feel things 'getting out of control'.

 

this situation distracts both of you from your marriages... even if you don't do anything sexual, the contact, thinking about each other, etc. is taking you away from your spouses.

 

I think that it is an affair in every sense of the word. just because you haven't been physical lately, that's just a cop out. you are having an affair, just because you haven't had sex in a certain time period doesn't make it erased. you are still devoting your time and energy, and you are making yourself availible to him. you are also leading him on by being so accomodating.

 

it's decision time...

[ImThatGirl]

Think about it this way. If you were a devoted wife and you found out your husband was doing the same thing, how would you feel?

 

I think you already know that this is an emotional affair, hence breaking it off before. Distance yourself from him, determine if you even love your husband, and go from there.

 

You need to have a clear mind and having him in the picture does not allow that (him, your "friend")

[sharper4]

Emotionally cheating can arguably be worse than physically - just my opinion. But I see this very simple...

 

1) If you love and ultimately want to stay with your husband, go No Contact with the partner. Its your only choice. At this point you have two more options...

a) Tell your husband and hope you can work to rebuild a healthy relationship.

b) Not tell your husband but hope he never finds out. You won't recover from it if he finds out later on his own.

 

Or 2) You'd prefer be with this Other Guy. In that case, make sure he feels the same way you do before moving forward. I think it goes without saying that your husband deserves the respect of an honest divorce though.

 

Was that too much? Sorry - if all you wanted was a quick answer then the answer is yes - its emotionally infidelity. If you don't do something about it now it will only be worse, and harder, later.

[little red]

Yes, the quick and easy answer is that you are committing emotional infidelity but you knew that already I'm sure.

 

If only all the answers were so quick and easy to find. I understand your position - I'm there myself right now, having ended something that was clearly not right (although never physical) in order to put things right and stay true and committed to my marriage. But, the other man and myself have been good friends for years, and I am struggling to let that go.

 

I suppose the question is, do you truly believe that you will be able to have a genuinely platonic friendship with this man, one that you would be happy for your husband to know about and be included in? and that, when difficulties come in your life or marriage, as i'm sure they will at some point - can you promise yourself that you won't lean on your friend instead of your husband and turn to him for encouragement and emotional support?

 

I think that's the danger that I worry about most, that it will be so easy to get drawn back into allowing my friend instead of my husband to meet my needs emotionally which obviously can lead to more. And more hurt and deception. Having said that, I can't cut off all contact with my friend, I've tried but it's just not happening right now - so far we have managed relatively well to ensure that our conversations remain on a pretty surface level, but i do worry.

 

Can I ask you? What is your marriage like? How would you describe your relationship with your husband? Are you aware of what it is that resulted in you getting too close to your friend?

 

Our situations sound very similar, do pm me if you'd like to talk some more.

 

LR

[Shadowfax]

Thanks for your advice and comments so far.

 

I did decide to meet up with my friend yesterday and we went to an art gallery together and afterwards, for drinks. I think we both wanted to see whether we really could manage a platonic friendship again. Well, everything started well, mostly small talk. As the evening progressed, however, I could feel us getting closer and closer. It is strangely comforting to be around someone you can truly be completely yourself with. And I find his company so easy.

 

Towards the end of the evening, I could feel an obvious tension between us, it was almost glittering. Before we parted company, he said he was still in love with me and that's when he made a pass.

 

I suppose I now know we cannot be simply friends.

 

Little Red, your situation does sound very much like mine. I'm not sure how to pm though - do I need more posts for this? As regards my marriage, I do love my husband as a friend and companion. I cannot describe him in less than glowing terms because he's very good and kind to me. The main problem we have is that we are now more like friends than husband and wife. Sexually, we have very different drives. His sex drive is very low which I find difficult to deal with. Currently we have sex about once every two/three months. I have broached my unhappiness with this but what can you do? He has a low sex drive, mine is high and this won't change no matter how many times I talk about it.

 

Little Red - what is your marriage like?

[little red]

WOW ... this is really scary - so much of what you write mirrors my situation, where you're at and how you feel.

"It is strangely comforting to be around someone you can truly be completely yourself with. And I find his company so easy."

That is so so true about me and my friend ... I feel truly accepted and loved for the first time in a while .... I can't write more now, time and circumstances mean I need to go now but I will be back to write to you more.

 

I'm not sure why you can't send a pm - I've not been around or posted much here myself .... still quite new! But maybe something needs changing in your profile or something(?) - I will try and send you a pm in the morning.

 

LR

[Batya33]

I do not think it is an affair (and I am not a believer in "emotional affairs") but I would call it "playing with fire." I am exclusive with my boyfriend and I would not get involved emotionally with someone I knew was interested in me romantically where I was also interested romantically because of what it could lead to. You know when you're crossing the line. There's harmless flirting, platonic friendships (even with exes) but given that you had s_x outside your marriage with this man your commitment to your marriage has to include no contact with this man.

[newmomq]

I am in a very similar situation. My husband and I have had a stale relationship for several years, and with a new baby I had been feeling very alone and 'invisible' - if that makes sense.

I looked up an old bf online and started emailing and chatting back and forth. Before too long I was confiding my marrital problems, and accepting, if not encouraging, his flirtatious comments and come-ons.

We never met, and only spoke on the phone once, but I knew it was wrong - since I was going outside of the marriage for 'a fix' that I should only have found within my marriage.

 

Last weekend my huband found out. He read my email and is crushed. He is betrayed and hurt and it will take months and maybe years to rebuild the trust. I fully regret everything I did and said - regardless of my long list of reasons and excuses.

 

I am hopefull that we will come back from this stronger than ever, but there is a definite chance that this will be the end.

 

My advice - call it off now. Reflect on yourself and your marriage to see why you are doing this and then figure out how to spill it all to your husband. You should come clean and take a risk that if he knows about every little nasty thing about you, he will stay.

[r_ali70]

Hi there

 

First time I am answering a question here - to be honest I always believe in this line ... nothing good comes out of doing something wrong. Be faithful to your husband ... If he have fears of leaving his wife I am telling you that if he ends up with you - the guilt that he would feel leaving his wife for you .. you may end up always being second fiddle to her. Make your marriage work - and guide him to making his work - if it is better for you both to stop seeing each other that would be best. Remember that love always starts off being a certain way then eventually fades

[Mistygirl]

Guess I'm missing something here. I dont understand how you can love your partner and love the person you are having an affair with too. I always thought that feelings for your partner were slipping or gone in order to have an emotional affair and love someone else. Guess I never loved 2 people at the same time. I don't think people just up and decide "I'm going to have an affair". There are things that happen that leave you open and vulnerable for it.

[i_love_chocolate]

This is my response: STOP IT!

[JadedStar]

yes this is absolutely an emotional affair. The only way you should have handled this after it turned sexual (if you want to keep your marriage intact) would have been strict no contact.

 

Once someone has an affair, emotional or physical, it is kidding oneself to think you can still talk to them. The talking needs to cease. period.