newmomq

I am in a very similar situation. My husband and I have had a stale relationship for several years, and with a new baby I had been feeling very alone and 'invisible' - if that makes sense. I looked up an old bf online and started emailing and chatting back and forth. Before too long I was confiding my marrital problems, and accepting, if not encouraging, his flirtatious comments and come-ons. We never met, and only spoke on the phone once, but I knew it was wrong - since I was going outside of the marriage for 'a fix' that I should only have found within my marriage. Last weekend my huband found out. He read my email and is crushed. He is betrayed and hurt and it will take months and maybe years to rebuild the trust. I fully regret everything I did and said - regardless of my long list of reasons and excuses. I am hopefull that we will come back from this stronger than ever, but there is a definite chance that this will be the end. My advice - call it off now. Reflect on yourself and your marriage to see why you are doing this and then figure out how to spill it all to your husband. You should come clean and take a risk that if he knows about every little nasty thing about you, he will stay.

Well it has now been a few months since I started this thread, but I thought I would just add on since my previous posts give a little more background. The situation has changed a bit - he got a job. But my feelings haven't really changed much - if anything I feel more ambiguous about things than ever. I feel really unsupported in this relationship - I am alone as a parent most of the time - since he is mostly out at the bar or holed up in the computer room. Today I told him that we needed to talk in a last ditch effort to lay out for him what I was thinking and feeling and to give him an opportunity to find a way to work with me on some real changes. He refused to talk to me...said he was busy and tired and that we could talk about things once our finances are sorted...next month! But it is not just about $! This is part of the problem - but it is not THE problem. The fact that we can't talk is a bigger problem...that he ignores problems and expects everything to sort itself out is a problem. So - today I feel like I've made the decision to leave...or more specifically to tell him to leave. I hope we can do this somewhat amicably...but it is doubtful. I want him to have a big role as a father for our little guy (now 11 mos). The problem may be actually getting him to agree to leave. I pay most of the bills (make more $) and am responsible enough to get the house redy for sale and sold...but what if he just refuses to go, refuses to sell the house? Can he do that? Will I have to get a lawyer? I'm also a little afraid of having regrets..I'm sure that this is right, but it is SO final. I think the big deciding point for me was finding my old journal - what I wrote sounded like something I could have written yesterday...he hasn't changed in 6 years! I imagine being 40 or 50 and being in the same place. Then there would be some big regrets! Any words of encourgement out there?

OK - I'm back. It's been several weeks and things are not actually getting better. There have been some happy and peaceful moments, but overall I am feeling that this marriage is hopeless. I am really considering calling it quits - I would do it today actually, but it's his birthday...and that just wouldn't be nice. Here is the main problem - we are broke. We have enough with my paycheck to last about another 2 weeks and then I don't know what we'll do. We won't have enough to pay the mortgage or the car payments or daycare. It is really desperate. I make as much as I can and am trying hard to earn more in commissions. I can't take another job, because I have the baby home in the evenings. But he refuses to work. He is smart and able-bodied and would need to only bring in another $1500/month to keep us afloat. But he freaks out when I even suggest that he take a 'job'. 'He is working on a career you know, and he shouldn't have to sacrifice his dreams, and I'm being selfish, and maybe we should have sold the house long ago, and blah blah blah' I really just can't take it any more. He spends like we are loaded, but refuses to get involved in paying the bills or sorting out our finances. And he's said several times that he would leave if I insisted on a budget. His head is in the sand. He is impossible to reason with and I am through. He said that if he was offered a job, with a company he is talking to, that he would turn it down because he doesn't think their product is the best available. I just about lost it - he could have a job and build a career in his field, but he is getting snobbish about the product!! It's like he tunes me out when I say we have 2 weeks before bankruptcy. And that it is all my fault. Everything feels so out of control. I can't function. I cry almost everyday out of frustration. And I am so scared. Maybe I could take more if I thought he loved me, but I am sure he doesn't. I asked himthe other night if we were together just for the baby and he said he didn't know, maybe. He says hateful things to me, calls me horrible names and all of this infront of the baby. he is just 8 months old now, but soon he'll understand what is happening. That makes me so scared and sad. He also said though that he wouldn't leave - that I had no options and couldn't take the baby. Can I kick him out? He doesn't contribute financially. I pay for his car. If I asked him to leave he would have nothing - not even a credit card. I don't know what to do, but I know I need out.

You've read my post and know that I am going through something similar, but what I don't hear is that you love him. Do you? It sounds as though you are looking for a solution for you, but not for you both. Have you already decided that this isn't working and are looking for validation that you should leave? It sounds as though you are not equals in the relationship - and that you are fed up with him calling the shots and doing what he wants - especially since many of these activities are clearly not acceptable to you. I don't have a solution - except to say that you need to figure out what you NEED to be happy. And then be determined to do whatever it takes to get there.

Thanks everyone for your comments - especially Jezille and Chickie7. It is so great to hear that other people are going throughthe same thing. Though of course I'm not happy that you're going through it So I've come to realize a few things since my last post. 1 - it really helps to talk about things. Seems obvious right? But it's tough for me to open up to my friends, since I feel like these problems make me look like a wimp - and I feel like I have a lot invested in putting up the image that I am very 'together'. I had coffee with a friend the other day and spilled it all out - and with some perspective I felt so much better. I realized that talking about it wasn't so scary - so I'm not so stressed now to talk to him. It also let some of the steam out of my anger. Since then I have been easier on him and he has responded by being an awful lot nicer. And I guess since I am easier to be around he hasn't been going out as much. 2 - I need to listen and talk when HE wants to talk - which is usually when I am in the middle of something else, or when I am wanting to sleep. We both work from home, so I am often in the middle of an email or a report or something when he comes up and wants to talk. He usually wants to talk about his business, but if I don't listen to this or if I act irritated - then there is no way he is going to feel safe talking to me about what he is really feeling. Obviously there is no quick fix - this is going to take lots of work and could be a slow process, but I think we need to rebuild. Not every little set-back or argument has to be catastrophic or a symptom of how terrible everything is - maybe we're just disagreeing on what to have for dinner. Someone mentioned how his work is the big issue here - and I agree. So much of his self-worth is tied up in his professional success. And it is no help that I am successful, with an MBA and try to give him advice. I need to be supportive, but not take over. He told me about an idea he had and I closed my laptop and paid 100% attention, and then got excited about his idea (which was really quite good) and then told him I was sorry that I didn't try harder to really understand what he was trying to do. He didn't directly respond, but there was a noticeable difference. So...all of the issues are still there - but I guess I see hope. I'm hanging in.

I'd take the day off. Your current boss doesn't need to know one way or the other whether you worked the single day on contract or not. Then send an email to contract job person #1 and tell them that you are still currently available, however you have been called about an interview and will need confirmation by X (whatever time makes sense). If you don't hear from them, call job #2 and go in there and knock them dead.

It sounds like your mom has emotional problems. I have a little experience with this. A friend of mine has a 13 year old daughter - she yell sometimes and gets really easily annoyed and sometimes says things like' if you do that again I will kill you',. Now I know she loves her daughter, but she has depression problems. It took a call from neighbours to the children's aid to get her to realize that she needed to get some help. Her daughter has had problems too - with school, friends and has shown signs of depression and acting out. Things have worked out for this family - my friend got some counselling and started taking medication which helped her moods. Her daughter talked to a counsellor and is getting much better. And together they are able to talk and get along. So that does this mean for you? That your mom's anger is not your fault, but that hurting yourself or running away will not get you the attention or the solution that you need. Find someone to talk to. When your mom 'is being a witch' remember that if she threatens you or acts irrational, it is her problem, not yours. Try to get your head out of the crazy moment and think about the things in life that you love, your dreams for the future etc. Good luck and hang in there.

I am new to the forum and first want to say that I think it is great to have so many viewpoints to help you get new perspective on your situation. I hope I can help. First, it doesn't sound like a situation where a single cause can be found and fixed to make things right. Her depression is likely complex as well - ADs might help (I know several people who are thriving because of meds that help balance their internal chemistry), but it sounds like her self-esteem needs some repair as well. There are clues - she wants you to be hip and young (you are an extension of her in many ways and it sounds like she is having trouble aging and moving out of her 'fertile' years), she is worried about her own looks, she has failed as a student - which may be more difficult since she is married to a teacher, and now she has failed as a wife and as a friend. I don't suggest forgiving her everything - she needs to know how much it hurts and why. It might actually help. You love her, she is capable of really hurting you - she is worth that much. Infidenlity often starts with a poor self image. You want to feel wanted and you think so little of yourself that you don't think your spouse should care. I encourage you to see a counsellor - since you can be in the role of husband and healer. You also say that you discouraged her from continuing in school. How did this make her feel? Like a failure? Perhaps you were right, but maybe she should be steered into something where she can see realize some personal success. Academics is really not for everyone. There are tons of successful people without a college degree. My advise - let her know you are hurt and need some healing. I doubt she feels that she deserves your forgiveness. Tell her that you are hurt because you love her and because your marriage is precious to you. But your healing time is your issue and together you should focus on the future. With time will hopefully come trust. Fighting about trivial things like fashion is normal - so try to find a way to lighten it up and not to make it an extension of the bigger issues. So good luck to you - you sound like an incredibly caring and tollerate guy. Some day she'll know how lucky she is - and hopefully she'll know that she deserves it.

I do try to talk to him, but he is really difficult to talk to. He is very defensive and things quickly escalate from my trying to explain my concerns, to him yelling, name-calling and chanigng the topic to why I am such a whiner. It's also tricky to find a good time - he often comes home late with a few beer in his system and more sensitive than usual. When he is in a good mood and we're getting along, I don't want to ruin the mood with a 'serious discussion'. Unfortunately our inability to effectively communicate, has resulted in me keeping most of my thoughts and feelings to myself - very lonely and not helpful.

I've been married for 6+ years, together for 9. When we started out things were very passionate - he was affectionate and easily demonstrated and told me he loved me. There was some jealousy, but nothing I couldn't deal with. Since we got married things have been on a slow and steady decline. This may be partly because he lost his job shortly after we got married and since then he has been unsuccessful at getting a new job, then going back to school and now starting a business (2+ years and still no profits...). So I think that this may have eroded his self confidence. He says he is fine with the fact that I earn a decent living and totally support us, but I think that deep down it bothers him. There is 0 affection now. He does say or show love. We don't have sex unless I initiate - though I am often rejected. I have basically stopped trying and we have had sex 4 times in the past 1 1/2 years. Luckily, one of those times resulted in the birth of a wonderful son. But this little miracle has also caused more distance. I am always alone with him - and am made to feel terrible for having to go back to work. He is out most nights at the pub and holed up in his office when he is home. I'm lonely and I'm frustrated. I am still in my early 30's and I look great and feel attractive and wish that I felt loved. But I don't want to leave - leave my son without his dad, or give up on something that maybe has a chance to turn around. Does anyone have any ideas to help me ignite some change and help us find our passion again? Thanks

Being a teenager is not easy - and as an 'alomst grown-up' I know that we can lose sight of these difficulties. I agree that there is so much going on with you and with your friends that you must feel that you are spinning - what can you control? who can you help? It's ok that you are thinking all of this - and that you are confused. I assure you, you are not alone. Think about what you like about the friends that you have - and tell them. Try to be confident that what you feel and think is ok - it is OK to not like either boy -and more than that it is OK to be alone until you find someone that you do like. It is OK to be concerned about your friend that cuts herself - all that you can do is let her know that you are worried about her and that she can talk to you. It is OK to be worried about your friends who are experimenting with drugs and alcohol. But aside from telling them it is not for you - it is not your responsibility to solve their problems. Take some pressure off of yourself. Try to enjoy your teenage years and you will find that your friends will join you. good luck!