"Exclusive" Need advice from guys specially!

[Magic_star829]

Ok so I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months now. We've had numerous dates, and things have been going great. Last night we spend the night together, he slept over (no sex, though which I"m fine with) and spent the morning together cuddling. Well I decided to have "The Talk" with him. I wanted to know what he thought the status of our relationship was. He said He didn't think of me as his girlfriend (ouch, because I thought he did), anyway then said no pressure on me that he wasn't seeing anyone else, but if I wanted to, to at leat let him know and he'd do the same. The I said so we're just 'dating' then. He said he didn't know the difference between dating and gf/bf.

 

I said it was the exclusivity. I asked him if he thought of me as friends with benefits type situation, he said NO. Now I am so confused. So He doesn't think of me as his girlfriend but not as friends with benefits either. He said ok so we both agree we don't want to see other people, and thought that settled the talk and things were clear for me. But they aren't. Why am I not good enough to be considered his girlfriend?

 

 

Guys what are you usually thinking when you say this? What are the circumstances or reasons etc...any insight you can give me would be great. Also girls if you've been in this situation...how did it end, or progress to bf/gf status?? Thanks.

[Newo Ikkin]

I'd say you need to ask him his reasons for not considering you his girlfriend, to be honest.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Maybe he sees 'girlfriend' as having too many connotations, like being an official person in his life? I know a lot of people veer away from that early on, because it's too much pressure. Too many expectations, like an announcement?

 

Tough though.

[need2bme]

OK, I don't like speaking for others. However, this sounds all to familiar. I went from "BF/Beau" to "a guy she dates". Talk about OUCH!

 

So, after 2 months, I have usually decided if we are BF/GF and I think what you said is correct. What is the exclusivity? If you are exclusive (like mine said and then cannot make up her mind and ...ARRRGGHHH! - sorry, we are talking about you ), then that MAKES you BF/GF.

 

So, it sounds like he wants to date other people. Why give you an OUT, if that is not the case. I too, think you need to have a serious talk about definitions or you will get hurt.

[Day_Walker]

I have been in this situation many times, for the past 3 years, I have had the desire to not have a gf. In this period I have met some great girls and some horrible ones, no matter if the girl was good or bad, I did not want a gf and that is how I played the situation. I just didnt want to put up with the gf baggage and I still wanted my freedom. Some of them were more gf-like than others but I still reiterated that I did not want a gf and eventually I stopped seeing them because they wanted something that I did not want.

People mainly women would say that well you just havent found what you are looking for, and when I think about the girls that I have seen over the past three years, there are some that stand out and they were what I was looking for but I just was not in that mode of having a gf so it never got to that point.

[MrKadash]

So He doesn't think of me as his girlfriend but not as friends with benefits either. He said ok so we both agree we don't want to see other people, and thought that settled the talk and things were clear for me. But they aren't. Why am I not good enough to be considered his girlfriend?

My feeling is he wants to keep his options open, plain and simple. But that's only my opinion. I don't know the guy, but if I were to say I don't think of you as a girlfriend in my mind I don't want exclusivity. I don't think it's an issue of you're not good enough. I would hope you never feel that way in regards to anyone. But I definitely agree with the previous opinion that you need to talk this out in depth. You owe it to yourself....

[Magic_star829]

Thanks everyone for your replies! I'm a bit scared now though , specially since most of you believe he is keeping his options open. Anyway, I went back to the chat log and reviewed our conversation..and at some points I felt he wanted to be bf/gf then other points not. I have posted some of what he said below in hopes of maybe getting a better interpretation or second opinion!

 

When I first asked him about our status he said " I don't think of you as my girlfriend, that"s not a bad thing, If anything hopefully it reassures you, doesn't freak you out, but I'm not seeing anybody else and am totally fine with that"

 

Then said: "There's no pressure on you there, ideally for both of us"

 

Then this part I still can't quite figure out " If you liked the answer great, if not, well let me know after you've thought about it more and we can change it, I"m flexible.

 

I then ask for calrification and he says " Ok I'm saying that if you are satisfied with what I see the status of us as, then good but if not I"m saying let me know after you've thought about it, or not whatever, just if you see something different than that, you dont want to get into a relationship, then it's best to let me know. And I'm saying I'm very flexible because I do like you"

 

Later on bottom lined it saying "Just to get it out there, we are both fine not seeing other people"

 

Then I say ok, so we're still considered to be in the 'dating stages' right? He replied with" I don't know enough about the terminology, but I'd say yes, as you don't have a ring on your finger."

 

Then I say well dating is the stage BEFORE it evolves into bf/gf. Then he says" Well I don't know enough about the distinction, it doesn't particularly matter to me", but yes dating does sound more like it to me.

 

Then I say you don't see a difference between dating or bf/gf, he says "

If you're not dating other people, then no not really. I'm not going to pressure you or anything, just to keep it real simple, for sure if it puts your mind at ease, I'm not dating anybody else and don't have a desire to.

 

So I don't know if you can see why I'm so confused?? lol Any additional advice would be great. Thanks!

[MrKadash]

He sounds wishy-washy to me. What do you want? Then tell him. He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. If he's struggling with the distinction between dating and BF/GF then tell him what you perceive it to be and go from there. You both have to be on the same page or you will end up pulling your hair out over this one. He almost sounds like he's trying to convince himself what he wants and can't decide.

[Aurian]

Well... my advise would be to sit down and talk about what gf/bf means to you. That you're not asking for marriage or anything, but just want something that is a step up from the casualness of "some girl I am dating." I would also ask him if he has a difficulty with the words or something (a past relationship made too big a deal out of it perhaps?). If he is still being difficult and there is no reason for him to be, then I would either say he is not ready to make that "commitment" official and is trying to affirm that he is getting there but isn't quite ready to say it yet (kinda like you saying "I love you" and him not being ready to say it back yet, so says "I really really like you and spending time with you.").

 

My second thought is that he is leaving the door open and so can cheat or leave guilt-free since he assured you that he wasn't interested AT THE TIME, and never had a formal commitment.

[need2bme]

Why all the round and round? Tell him you think he and you and BF/GF. Tell him and see what he says.

 

It looks like he does not want to commit to the labels. Are you ok with that?

[turqoise]

He said He didn't think of me as his girlfriend (ouch, because I thought he did), anyway then said no pressure on me that he wasn't seeing anyone else, but if I wanted to, to at leat let him know and he'd do the same. [

 

You know, from the above polus your second quote, I think he really likes you but is just a very relaxed person. He doesn`t feel like he needs to define your relationship (and he`s just taking things slowly, making sure you feel comfortable) because he feels you really like each other. If you`ve been going out 2 months, and he stayed over without sleeping with you I think that`s proof he really really likes you - he`s not seeing others, so it`S not like he`s trying to keep his options open. I think you already know all this. You`re just confused because he`s not good at defining his words, whereas you have an idea of they should mean. I suspect that actually, what he loosly agrees to as`dating`=your idea of bf/gf.

 

Though it`s nice if the guy asks you out, with this boy, I think if you told him you`d like to be exclusive and be his girlfriend he would be really pleased, and totally for it.

[blondebombshelter]

I think it sounds like he likes you but is cautious about showing his hand before you do. He might be wondering how seriously YOU see the relationship. He doesn't want to put it out there that HE'S serious if you're not.

 

I can't believe how smart you were to have this conversation on IM so it's recorded! I have these conversations with my guy and rack my brains after trying to remember EXACTLY what it was he said. Your guy sounds similar - sending up clouds of ambiguous, cautious statements that could mean anything!

[Daligal83]

I actually think it's better to have this conversation in person or over the phone if there's a distance issue. Things are too easily miscommunicated through IM and the conversation is too important. While it's great to have that record of what was exactly said, I think the OP would get a lot more out of a face to face conversation.

[Magic_star829]

Thank you all for your replies and advice. TURQUOISE: you're right he is a very relaxed guy, and it's so true, you know his actions so far have told me that he really likes me, and he even told me and I think I have gotten lost with the fact of defining it as Bf/GF . Thanks! BLONDBOMBSHELTER: I also think you are right, he did say when we had the convo that he didn't want to be the first to bring it up but was glad I did, and also asked how I defined the relationship but after he told me I was too hurt and afraid to tell him I thought it was more serious that what he had said. And yeah I'm one of those people that tend to over think and over analize at times, and sometimes from memory what was said could be distorted or forgotten so I am glad I have his words on IM, but I also agree it should have been in person...I had meant to bring it up the night before, but then didn't, and since it's finals, not sure when I'll see him next so I had to ask him that day because I couldn't wait it was on my mind so much Thank you all!

[rmpavlock]

He sounds wishy washy. If he really likes you he shouldn't be afraid to put the boyfriend/girlfriend label on because if he really likes you he won't want to lose you. It sounds kinda shady.

[Batya33]

Verbage is garbage. It's a simple question and if he doesn't "understand" what bf/gf means then maybe you don't "understand" why he gets to have sex with you anymore.

[turqoise]

Yay~

you know where it`s at. let us know how it spins out, and good luck for exams.

[Magic_star829]

Thanks for your replies! I will keep you guys updated, thanks Turquoise! ANd as for having sex...well we havn't had sex yet...so I can't say that it's one of those I have the cow why buy the milk situations. It would have been different I agree if we were having sex...but we're taking it at a slow pace which I"m more comfortable with

[Magic_star829]

OK UPDATE: Just a bit more information that I received about how he was feeling...He said that he felt we were still in the preminimary stages of dating and so that's why he didn't think of me as his girlfriend yet. He also emphasized that he wasn't seeing anyone else! Ok so maybe the reason I'm so pushing the label is because in the past guys have gotten away with having a relationship with me but with no commitment. And I invest alot in a relationship so I'd like to feel some type of comfort. Our first date was Oct 17th and so I guess it's only been a month and a half and we saw eachother about 8 times since...so that's probably still preliminary right? I guess I just felt like it was more and we were closer, since we mostly talked on msn or the phone everyday, even when we didn't see eachother. I just hope it's not an excuse from his part...the not wanting to commit..

[Batya33]

I would give it about another month. I would not have s_x without exclusivity - that is probably why you're having these early expectations.

[Magic_star829]

Yeah I think you're right. I will give it another month or so...I am leaving for the holidays on the 14th and won't return until Jan 3rd....so that is a big chunk of time I won't be here and won't see him..

[need2bme]

WOW! How refreshing. A girl that who wants a guy to commit. I mean that is a good way. At least your guy isn't pulling you and then running the other way.

 

I would think that in the next month or so, as others have posted, you should get a really good idea as to what he is thinking. If he has not commited or given you any indication he might, you can always bring up the questions again.

[Magic_star829]

need2bme: I am guessing from your post that there is a girl in your life who is not commiting? Sorry to hear...thanks I think I will give it a month or so..and then see how it goes from there...isn't it mostly always the case that the guy doesn't want to commit?? Anyway, with this guy so far his actions have been speaking for themselves....he's been great, and I just hope it doesn't turn out like the others...all I know from those past experiences is that they delayed the GF status and delayed...and I denied and denied..and then finally it was over. I hope this doesn't happen with this one because I honestly feel as if he could well be "The One".

[need2bme]

need2bme: I am guessing from your post that there is a girl in your life who is not commiting?

 

Yepper, you guessed right. Funny thing is, I was wanting to wait and she kept coming on strong. Then she started to find all these things wrong. Why not just say it is you and deal with it?

[turqoise]

I`m surprised to hear he said he thought you were dating. I think it really depends on his personality and maybe his cultural background, how you take it. Didn`t he say that he thought you were dating; not going out because you didn`t have a ring on your finger??

But if you feel unsure about where you stand I would exercise caution too.