Sleeping with someone else for me

[romanticlover]

Hello, recently me and my ex got back together and we have always had a deep sexual connection. Well now things have gone to a new level. I mentioned to her a fetish I had and it involves giving oral to someone else and taking pics. Well she really goit into it and said she can do it with her ex husband. They haven't been intimate in a long time, but still talk cause of their child. She said she has no attraction to him in that way and would do it just for me. I kinda find that hard to believe, but then again I have never done this before and I am getting nautious and jealous.

Well she did it the other day and sent me pics. She said that she was only turned on cause she was thinking of me and how it turned me on. The pics were ok and I guess it turned me on. She told me that he wants to have sex with her and she wants to film it for me. I guess it sounds cool, but I keep thinking that she wants to do it for herself. She told me that if I said no she would just stop.

Today she told me that he was picking her up for lunch and asked if I wanted her to give him oral and take pics. I said ok, and she asked if she could have sex with him and I said no. I am getting really upset over this and a ill feeling in my stomach. She tells me she loves me and only will do this for me cause she loves me so much and it turns me on.

Has anyone ever experienced this? I'm afraid if I tell her no that she will want to keep doing it and will cheat on me. I guess I need to be a bit more secure and I don't want this to ruin the relationship and make it loose my attraction to her cause of it. How can I get past this and learn to enjoy it.

She said she would like to watch me with another girl, but it's much easier for her to get a guy just like that cause she has an ex that's always around.

How can I feel better about this? I don't want to say no and deep down trusts her and it turns me on. But I get jealous also. She said she is going to marry me though.

Help

[jsx730]

Well, if this bothers you, it needs to stop right away. Just explain to her how you are feeling about the situation and that you are no longer comfortable with it. If she cares for you, she'll stop doing it, otherwise it's best to get out of the relationship now rather then dragging it out.

[Alezia]

Personally, that kind of thing is not for me. I wouldn't have as much problems doing it if I wasn't involved with someone I love, but as soon as it is a connection with someone I love, it is out of the question.

She might have chosen the ex because she has been intimiate with him before thereforeeee it's not as big as an issue, but I have a feeling the ex might be enjoying this more than he is letting know? aswell as she?

I think if you are going to involve someone else in your fantasies, stick to people you had no previous love connection to/history.

[BellaDonna]

Does the ex husband know that she is doing this in order to show it to YOU? Or is he thinking that their relationship is starting again? Has he talked to you about it ever?

 

This situation has a lot of dangers to it- both physically and emotionally.

 

Sometimes fantasies should stay fantasies.

 

Do you think she'll stop if you tell her that this is not fun anymore?

 

 

BellaDonna

[shes2smart]

Much as I'm all for exploring one's fantasies, there is one major problem in the way you've chosen to go about fulfilling this one. No where in your post did I see that her ex-husband is aware that's he's part of your fantasy fulfillment. That means he is NOT a consenting party, and that's just askin' for a lot of trouble and drama.

 

I'd suggest you call a halt to any further sexual activities involving a 3rd party...especially a non-consenting 3rd party...until you can sort out your feelings on the matter and her feelings toward her ex.

 

I also agree with BellaDonna....some fantasies are better off left as fantasies.

[romanticlover]

Well I asked her and mentioned this to her and she said she doesn't know how he feels. He has been acting nice to her and he has been acting very aggressive now cause of it like any guy would. If an ex gave me oral, I would constantly be on her case to keep doing it. She said he doesn't know that she is doing it for me or else he wouldn't do it. I am not sure if I believe her cause she sent me a pic and it seemed like it came really fast to my phone and only way it could have happened is if he sent it or she did during it. She said she will stop if I asked her. This does kinda bother me and really isn't my thing and I think it should have stayed a fantasy.

[BellaDonna]

She said he doesn't know that she is doing it for me or else he wouldn't do it.

 

Well this tells me that she should stop now. As Shes2smart stated, it makes him nonconsenting and also brings in a bunch of emotional baggage.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Clementine orange]

Woah does this ever sound like a bad idea. A recipie for disaster even.

[gattsuga]

wow... are u sure you want to be with a woman like that? maybe i'm not as open as everyone else, but doesn't this seem extremely inappropriate? Her ex doesn't know she's playing around with him. She's sleeping with other men willingly. You're encouraging her to do all this.

 

??? what if the tables were turned and she did the same to you one day. man i'd probably be arrested for assault.

[candy604]

wow i'd stop all activity right away. For me, a relationships is between two ppl, you shouldn't be involving someone else ( as you can see, it's hurting you now).

[romanticlover]

Yeah I am going to have a long talk to her about it tonight. She mentioned being a swiner with me with girls and not other men. But she did say she would stop if I told her. I think I am going to tell her tonight. She said it creates excitement, but it's not doing what I thought it would for me. I'm going to get her some dildo's for this instead. Plus the fact that her ex doesn't know what's up and if she can play him that way, imagine what she would to to me. She said she is only doing this for me. But the prob is when I tell her to stop, I KNOW her ex is going to keep trying. She told me that he is already trying to be all over her when he sees her. Man what did I get myself involved in. I now have to trust her and think that when this guy asks to take her out or come to her house that he is going to back off. Also she needs to tell him that we are back together. I think that is the only way. We talked about video taping her and him and she was going to do it, and she already mentioned it to him, but now i feel ill about the whole thing. I know about sharing just between the 2 of us and that's how it should be. She told me her ex wanted her to sleep with another guy to turn him on. I hope this is not still in her mind. All because of sex. I feel I should have taken road 2 with the old ex at times. I know I could trust her, maybe not as great sexually, but more trust and maturity. I'm an idiot. Well at least she is not cheating and she sent me pics. Ugh,,,,help me...

[unface]

Bringing the ex husband in was a bad idea. They have a history...

 

Next time pick someone that there are less/no emotional attachments with.

[romanticlover]

Well I just had a talk with her, a mini talk in a nice way. She was just saying it's so crazy but so much fun and her ex husband is starting to act strange askign her who keeps calling etc. I told her this was going to happen and we need to chill out. I told her i ordered some toys for her and she was excited. I need to be more honest with her later when I see her. I have been sick to my stomach about it, especially since they have a CLOSE history. She seems like she is fine and said no problem like it was nothing. But I need to tell her how I really feel about it and how it could hurt us down the road plus it's playing with his emotions. If any girl gave me oral out of the blue, especially an ex, seducing me and leading me on, I would definitely think something was up and we were getting back together. So yes this needs to stop asap and hopefully it's not too late on his part. She already told him that she was gonna film the 2 of them. Hopefully it isn't too late for her to tell him she changed her mind. Now if she tells him no more playing around, he is gonna freak out and ask her why she led him on. Man what did I get myself into? All because i was thinking with my damn penis, which can barely even get hard cause I am so sick to my stomach. Part of me is turned on of her being w/someone else, but I think it needs to be a dildo and not a real person and we can act it out. I'm supposed to see her later and she kept telling me she loves me. Hopefully everything will be cool.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, you have just entered the vast dangerous world of bringing other people into your sexual relationship. some people can be 'swingers' and handle it and enjoy it, but most of the time, it ends up with the relationship falling apart amid jealousy, mistrust, and accusations.

 

a big no-no though among swingers is getting involved with ex-mates and people who have had other non-sexual connections with each other. too much emotional baggage and potential complications involved, which you are discovering yourself.

 

they usually have lots of self imposed rules too, like not engaging in sex unless the partner is in the room too at the same time... rules to discourage any temptation to form outside emotional or sexual relationships with people other than their own partners.

 

i really don't believe she is just 'doing this all for you.' she is WAY too enthusiastic about this and just leaping in with all kinds of suggestions to have sex that seems to be fun for HER. i suggest you tell her right away that you've decided this is NOT a good idea, and think long and hard before marrying her or continuing with this relationship. she may have been having a sexual relationship with her ex-husband all along, and is now just *thrilled* that you're willing to let her have her cake and eat it too...

 

i agree with the other posters, recipe for disaster for you, especially with her ex-husband.

[unface]

i really don't believe she is just 'doing this all for you.' she is WAY too enthusiastic about this and just leaping in with all kinds of suggestions to have sex that seems to be fun for HER.

 

+1

 

She just jumped right in w/o hesitation. Makes me wonder if there was something going on before this.

[romanticlover]

Thx guys. Well she has told me that when we first met that she did not do anything with him and that she isn't attracted to him like that. We just had a long talk and she said she is more of the swinger type and as long as she loves me and I love her than it's fine. She understands how I feel and said that she loves the thrill and I brought it out of her cause no one would be like that with her. I get a thrill also, but I guess need to be a bit more secure in myself.

I mentioned to her the possible complications of sleeping with her ex for me. He already thinks he can get it when he wants and I told her this could lead to many problems and I don't want this to turn into an big circle cause eventually she is going to have to tell him we are back together. She just likes the thrill and wants to have fun with me like she never had with anyone else. Yes they say it all comes down to who you go home with. Meaning the person you are with, however plenty of stuff can come in the middle that can ruin that and I'm starting to see what could happen. She said in the future she does want to marry me and just wants to have fun now. She feels very confident in her feelings for me. I'm just looking at the future, her 2 kids, no career, hardly any money, etc, me having a son already, no car, etc. Meanwhile I have an old ex that wants to get back and she has all her stuff together. the type you want to marry. Only prob is that I'm not attracted to her like I am towards my current girlfriend. But then again, I could be setting myself up for disaster like everyone is saying. I dfo get a thrill imagining her doing certain things, however, I have never experienced it before and I have to learn to see what I can handle and not handle.

Thanks again guys

[Rabican]

Any time you add a third wheel to a bicycle its not going to work right. Same thing goes for a relationship. Just get out of that situation any way you can.

 

Sounds to me that your current girl is the kind of girl to take home, but not the kind of girl to take home to mom. Ya know? All the crazy sex stuff involving her ex... thats only going to end up destroying any feelings, love, respect etc that you have for her now.

[romanticlover]

Hey guys, hard news to follow. I went to her house last night to be with her and we started talking. We had broken up for a short time when things were on the rocks and she said that in her heart she didn't want to be with me anymore. Well she was telling me a few things that she did when we were on the rocks. Such as she came onto a co worker, danced with a few guys at a club, small desperate needs for attention stuff. She told me that I made her this way cause she feels so confident about herself and much happier cause of me. That was normal stuff, I had asked her if she slept with anyone and she kept telling me no........I asked her to swear and she said she couldn't and that I would freak out. I knew it!!!!!! After a while of interogating, she finally broke down and said she slept with her ex husband. The guy who is involved now. I almost puked. She said she only did it cause she was horney, dispised me, knew it was dirty and not right, and just wanted to use him to try to orgasm. She said it wasn't passionate however she said they did go at it pretty wild. Her telling this crushed me. She then told me that she told him something that she promised that she didn't tell anyone or wouldn't about us. That also crushed me. She said that now she doesn't want to be with him and doesn't want to be with anyone else for me and just me and she is so sorry. I can kinda understand cause we weren't technically together and we were at eachother's worsts, and I could have done the same if I wanted, but I hung in there for her despite her feelings. She said she will just use the toys I got her for us and not a real person. She said since we are starting over she wanted to come clean and be honest. I do have a small bit of respect for her telling me, but this whole relationship, she had lied to me a few times and hid things or not been 100% honest. I guess this all happened when things started getting shakey. Well I guess we got over that 3rd person hurdle, but honestly during sex lately and since she gave her ex oral twice for me, I have a hard time keeping an erection. Last night i was on top of her and each time we switched or even started, my erection was gone. I had to pull out or away saying I wanted to go down on her. I have never been like this with her before and I guess this whole mess and emotional rollercoaster has done me in. It's just since she did this is when I have been having problems. I am actually ashamed and embarrassed about it. I know she can tell, but thank god is not saying anything about it. I am really tempted to tell her we need to rebuild and no sex until I feel comfortable cause i'd rather not have it then try to have it and not get it up. Crazy how emotions can do this to a person. She was telling me last night how in love she was with me and how we were soulmates. She used to say this all teh time to me and now she said she realizes she needs me and can't be without me in her life. The attraction has come back like in the beginning. I need to be firm with my emotions now as I am in a very sensitive state.

[unface]

Barf.

 

That really sucks... but at least you found out about this stuff now. I wouldn't be able to handle it if I was with a girl for that long and found out that she'd been lying to me.

[romanticlover]

Updates........things have been going well. She is actually being herself around me more and being open with me. She is ditching the ex things cause she knows it's not cool and how I am hurt by it. I wish I wouldn't have found out they slept together cause It bothers me when he calls now and I could care less before. Anways, she has been telling me how she also likes women as I knew this before. But she has been telling me that she flirts with this hot woman at work and she does back and how she wants her and wants me there to watch...Every guys dream come true right? lol. I'm cool with it, but I also told her I have a lot of emotions as well as her and I just don't want complications.

She said that we both have likes but there are things that she likes that I don't and she mentioned the swinging thing. She also said she has a fantasy of being with a complete stranger which I have heard before. I told her some things are best kept a fantasy. I sai dyou don't know him, could have a disease, stalker, etc. When you brings things like that into reality it can cause many problems. I don't want her to be upset an dwant her to be herself, but she is so turned on and open with me and towards me that she is out of control now. I have made her worse than a guy lol. Well at least her emotions are clear with me as she says she is so in love with me like before and her illness blocked her head and heart and is always wanting to b with me. Now I got to see what to do about this swinger idea. She seemed fine with not acting it out when I said it turned me on, but made me jealous and ill also. I said what if I slet with another woman and she said she would die and be so upset. But she seemed ok with me saying no. But once you express interest and the other person says no, it's a bit of a let down I would imagine.

[texami]

so, if i'm reading this correctly, you say things are "going well", but in the middle of all your hurt and trauma about her and her ex and her lying to you she brings up other girls and strangers?????????????????????????? and in the same breath says if you slept with someone else she would die????

 

i'm thinking she's not that great at taking your feelings into account (to be VERY polite about it). and that she's just all about her sexual pleasure with no real idea of how to be in a relationship where she acts caring to another person... just my take on what you said.

[romanticlover]

Hmm...well how do I get these things out? She did mention that she does things abotu sex too much and is turned on so much by me. I have always been sexual myself and in otehr relationships I was like that and some girls said that's all I cared about. I guess cause I am being so open and raunchy with her and it intrigues her so much and excites her and cause she loves me that we are very similiar in that fashion adn we just are 2 people full of harmones. I asked her of she loved me for more than just my penis and she said ofcourse and went into what she really loved about me and it was very deep and sweet so the feelings are there. My trauma is the same as anyone elses and I could have easily slept with others during our breakup. She had the right to do what she wanted cause we were broken up and she didn't want to be with me.

Her bringing up other girls and strangers is just her fantasies. I have shared things with her that she has acted out on and made me melt cause no other woman would or I couldn't tell anyone. I guess she is just being open and so is she. I have heard many other women mention the stranger fantasy before so it doesn't surprise me. I bet if there were swingers here they could give me some insight or anyone that has dealt with this be4.

[texami]

ok... i get the idea about being open and sharing feelings is good. guess i would just be focusing on just the two of you if you guys are working to get back to where your stomach doesen't hurt so much by thinking and seeing her with her ex (as you wrote before).

 

you said that taking your fantasy too far got you in trouble before, and I just found it strange to be right back to talking about more fantasies that involve other people.

 

i do hope you guys work this out, and maybe my point of view doesn't fit with the situation. best of luck.

[shes2smart]

If you both want to explore swinging, then I'd suggest you seek out a swinger's group in your area rather than trying to find partners on your own or make exes into willing or unwilling partners.

 

If you become involved with a swingers group (and they will probably only allow you to become involved socially at first, depending on how the group is set up), you will have a pool of other people who are more likely to be looking for the same things as the two of you, and would be happy to participate in fantasy fulfillment. If the group you find has a social/educational component, you will be able to learn things about the lifestyle from folks who've been participating for a while before jumping in.

 

You may also want to explore a polyamory group to see if that lifestyle has anything you'd be interested in.

 

While both polyamory and swinging work for some people, the majority of folks aren't able to handle these alternative lifestyles. It is hard enough having the proper level of self-knowledge and communication to keep a relationship between two people going...and most folks find that challenging enough. When you start adding additional sexual partners (swinging) or additional relationship partners (polyamory), what's already difficult becomes even more complex.

[romanticlover]

Thx guys for your imput. Like I mentioned this is all her. I don't want to be with other nor have her cause I am just NOT into that. I am just trying to listen and be open, yet find a way to involve it without actually doing it. We were very sexual before we broke up and I guess we have that connection and always will. I really want to try to not have sex for a few days with her just to see what happens lol. Kinda build it up again.

I don't want to get into this swinging that much cause I really am not into it to be honest. I'm just a nice boyfriend trying to explore her world. trust me she is very happy with me and what we do, just she has been acting out my fantasies to the max and I want to return her favor. This girl talks about marrying me and how I am her soulmate.