Some cry for months, others move straight on...how come?

[locolady]

Ive been posting here for a year since i spilt with my boyfriend of 4 years after he cheated on me.

 

I was (and am ashamed to admit, still am) devastated. I miss him, i yearn for him, i drive my friends crazy still talking about him, i cry for him, i hate myself for being too worthless for him to miss me in return, i still feel desperately sad, i still feel i will never replace him, i still love him.

 

On the other hand......

 

He cried initially in the first week, he said he'd do anything to put it right (he then quickly decided we couldnt get past this and decided i was not what he wanted anymore) he has moved on, he never contacts me, he says he thinks of me in the past, that he has absoltely no hope or wish for us to get back together, he is dating again, he never mentions me to our friends, he resolutely refuses to discuss anything to do with the cheating or me in general with anyone at all, he admitted he doesnt think about me anymore, that he is over it.

 

I am wondering why and how it is that people respond so differently?

 

is it that he never loved me? that i am not good enough? or is it typically a girls response to care for longer and to talk about it more?

 

There are so many messages here full of heartbreak, of the anger the hurt the betrayal, the gut-wrenching sadness caused by break ups....by how on earth did my ex (and the ex's of others who write this sort of thing) not feel any of that?

 

will it catch up with them eventually? i dream that one day he will realise what a fool he was, that something will make him think of me and feel a sadness at what we lost? but am i just dreaming?

 

any ideas welcome please! thanks,

[DMXtreme]

I dont know why some people have the ability to just move on. I dont think its not that he didnt love you. it seems to me that he is not coming back to you. You have to realize that and move on. Give yourself time to completely get him out of your mind so you can move on with a new love. At 22 you are too young to pine away over one guy, just take it one step at a time and dont look back. Im sure you have beautiful qualities in you that will attract a much better man than your ex.

[bcuzitwasfun]

Hi locolady,

 

I'm sorry that you still feel devastated. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better and get over your devastation. I would like to answer your questions based on my last break up....

 

My ex told me soon after I moved out that she still loved me and thinks about me and my daughter "often". However, the next day she was spending the night with my ex best friend. So in my case, her actions speak louder than words. I know that she has moved on and they have moved in. But it's ok now with me.

 

I'm sure that he loved you and you are good enough. Think about what he did and why you guys broke up. So I'll ask you a question, is he good enough for you?

 

I think that most people that break up feel the same emotions, it's just when they really feel them. One you didn't mention is guilt. Some of the times a person who cheats feels the burden of quilt and sometimes shameness for a while.

 

I know you wonder if it will catch up to them. Some believe it does, others don't, and me, I'm at the point where I don't care if it does at all. I wish them no harm and I don't wish them success either. It just doesn't matter to me what goes on with them. I guess you can feel this way after time.

 

He probably has already thought about what he has lost and what you guys had together. It sounds from you post he thought about that in the initial stages of the break up.

 

From what I've been through, time is one of your best friends if you let it be. I had to stop thinking about her all the time and move on. This ment me telling her (our) friends that I didn't want to see them anymore if all they were going to do is talk about him, her, me, her and their lives together. Then I went out and made new friends and got busy.

 

Wishing you the best!

bcuzitwasfun

[shikashika]

hi locoloday,

 

i'm sorry to hear you ahd to waste your time with such a jerk...and that what he did has forced you to waste your valuable time.

 

i don't know how some people can move on so quick either. in my most revent breakup...we didn't date for that long... but i just can't seem to move on.

 

I hate when people say "if you are together x amount of months, years, it sould take x amount of weeks, months to get over him / her"

 

it took me almost no time to get over a boyfriend of 2 years, but the recent boyfriend of only a few months, I still lay awake at night sobbing with wet eyes..

 

i dont' know the asnwer to your question.

 

i know, personally, for me, if i get an answer, ro a reason, even if i don't like it... i know... but in my most recent breakup, i honestly ahve no clue why... and i got such mixed messages it makes no sense.... thinks need to make sense for me... and some people are good at accepting the fact that they just got no reason and moving on despite of that... and others (like me)

are not!

 

As everyone has said, it just takes time... i wish there was a time machine to get over this quickly.. thats all we have to do, is wait it out..

 

and it sucks!!

 

i hope you feel better soon

[locolady]

thanks for replies so far....i appreciate your words and i know that i must not let this continue to ruin my life. I know i am very lucky i have a family and friends and a comfortable life, a degree and options.....

 

however, i just cannot shake this self-hatred....i cannot stop believing in the core of myself that i am worthless because if i was worth being with, he would want me. (i know i dont want to be with every person who is a good valuable person! but he did want me, he saw into my soul and he rejected that)

 

Even on days when i feel happier, a voice inside me says you are wrong, you are nothing, if you were good things, he would have missed you, he would have loved you, his friends would have told him he was an idiot for cheating on you. but they didnt and he doesnt.

 

I have tried to improve myself, honestly i have tried so hard.....in the last year i have been travelling (to nepal and china) ive done charity work, ive made loads of fantastic new friends, ive picked up evening classes in french, ive started learning the guitar, i;ve been exercising, stopped biting my nails, ive tried to spend more time with my friends, to be considerate, i try each day when i go to work, to smile and be happy because i know everyone is more attractive that way, ive applied to go back to university to do teachers training....ive decided on a career path.

 

And yet, i long for him to look at me and be proud, i just want him to think i am a decent worthwhile person - i never did him any wrong, i loved him so much - he is so disinterested in me now, nothing i ever do is good enough. i feel so empty. i feel at my wits end, i dont really know what else i can do - i cant get him out of my head, despite my efforts, i am not improved at all - he doesnt want me and is never coming back.

 

thank you for your kindness,

 

loco

[DMXtreme]

Have you tried dating? I feel empty sometimes too. I have everything a guy could ask for. Family, friends, a good job, I'm working on getting another degree. But when I am single I feel alone, I really dont know why, I have dated alot and have attracted alot of girls in my young life but yet I feel empty. Maybe we just feel incomplete when we dont have that special someone to share our lives with. Keep your head up and know you will make it through this.

[DMXtreme]

Wow chatbot, you sound like me! Makes me wonder how people have the heart to cheat on the one person that they are supposed to be in love with. I have never cheated on any of my GF even though I had many chances. Got to keep chugging along though

[locolady]

havent really tried to date someone else.....

 

- i very rarely meet anyone im interested in but most importantly that i feel i lost a lot of myself in my ex - all i wanted was him, i'd forgotten to think about a career, about what i wanted to be because i thought if i was his wife, i would be happy.....then we spilt up and i finished uni at the same time and had this huge shock that i had no idea what to do next! i am very aware that i need to be happy by myself before i can enter another relationship, so although this means i am often lonely, without that special someone, he is still the only one i want, and i know that wouldnt be fair to take into a new relationship.

 

i did meet a great guy a few months ago and i have been on a few dates with him, out for dinner etc, to a show etc....he's great but i can feel myself holding him at arms length, theres no way im prepared to take a risk with him.....i cant tell if its because he's just not right for me, or if i'm uncounsciously criticising him because im scared. I would not choose him over my ex, so i suppose i just dont fancy him that much....even though he is great, has treated me very well and made a lot of effort to take me to fun places.

 

i need to be my own person before i have anything to offer i think - im too afraid of letting someone else make me happy again, but then i wonder if its really possible to be truly happy, to feel the contented, fulfilled way i did once with my ex, alone?

 

I dont want to have to make do with someone else when i had all i wanted once upon a time.....i dont know how else i can make myself into a desirable person, or how i can be pleased with the things ive done so far? i've tried so hard to improved myself but im no happier?

[RayKay]

Well, for one, I would say just because someone is not outwardly expressing it does not mean they are not on a journey of healing.

 

Healing can take weeks, months, years, whatever depending on the circumstances.

 

It sounds like maybe for him it was more a "choice" to end it, he cheated maybe he had not placed such high expectations on things. Whereas you had, and were dealing also with betrayal and a breakup.

 

And...I firmly believe you need to make the choice to heal, and to move on. Honestly, bringing it up all the time, and even posting here about it, may just perpetuate the cycle of pain. A lot of people I have found take time off from here when they realize it reinforces the pain. Making a choice to cry, instead of to get off your butt and go out and have fun recycles the pain. You create a pattern of reinforcing the pain essentially so really, you are not a year past the breakup but rather still right after the moment.

 

And, you need to take charge of YOUR life, and live for YOU, not for others. It is great you want to be married and all, but that should never mean not thinking of your own goals and dreams as an individual as well and being a complete person. "Complete" people also make better partners, create better relationships and make better choices about whom they DO get in a relationship with.

 

So, get working on your dreams. Get a hobby, volunteer, discover you are more than "someone's ex".

[rmpavlock]

I think your situation is one of those where you need to just go through the motions until you actually feel it. Even if you don't want to get out, meet new people or date it will help. Just doing something that distracts you will help. It sounds like you are stuck in a neverending cycle of thinking about your ex and it's a no win situation because he's not coming back. That's a good thing! That means you don't have to waste time thinking about him anymore. Why love someone who treats you like that? You deserve better. He's not worth worrying about or hating yourself over. You should be glad that you aren't stuck with the creep who cheated on you anymore. You can find someone who is more appreciative and will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Get out and do some nice things for yourself. Keep busy and try to remember that while your friends are supportive of you, they need you to be supportive of them too.

[healinginnyc81]

locolady, I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. It's been a year since my ex broke up with me and it took me about 6 months before I really felt better about myself and my life. I haven't dated anyone else yet but I'm a lot happier with myself now. I'm sure you will reach that point too if you just hang in there.

 

Everyone deals with pain in different ways. You can't worry about how your ex is doing. One big difference I think is that some people will get out all their crying, bursts of anger, whatever, immediately, but they don't have the tendency to dwell on things. They tend to become "forward-looking". They start thinking about what options they have for the future and just go out and do things to make their life enjoyable again.

Others are more likely to think over things and dwell on the past which makes them more likely to get depressed about it and less motivated to go out and do something else.

 

Like RayKay said, it would really help if you found some hobbies or volunteered somewhere in order to find your love for life again.

 

I hope you feel better.

[metro_girl]

Is it possible you're grieving the loss of your future with him than actually the loss of the relationship? You pictured what a future with him would be like, and now you must create a new future for yourself, and that's probably what's holding you back. Four years is a long time so you probably do miss him. It would be easier for me to move on if I were angry that he cheated and also easier to accept that he's made it clear he's no longer interested in a future with you. When I was your age I wasted a year grieving the loss of a college boyfriend and I really regret it. 22 is a great year!! I didn't start to feel happy again about myself and my future until I was 25, because I went to graduate school and started working. I thought when I was 22 that I would be planning a wedding and all that stuff. Most of my friends who were married that young ended up divorced.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think that some people grieve more because they they love deeply and get very attached so it is harder to break the connection, while other people look at their partner more as a function rather than a person. so they don't miss the person so much, they just miss having a girlfriend so they go get another one right away without too much thought about the individual they just left behind.

 

by that i mean he may be more interested in someone (anyone he is attracted to) filling the 'girlfriend' role, and if it doesn't work out with one girlfriend, they just slide you out and slide someone else into that role and move on...

 

i had a social worker tell me once that some people look at other people like utility companies, for example, the electric power company. they want power to be there for them whenever they need power, but when they don't need it, they don't want to pay for it, and don't think about it much, and really take it for granted.

 

so some people can just unplug one girlfriend and plug in the next one without too much thought because the one person isn't as important to them as the functions a girlfriend provides, sex, identity, companionship, someone to be a housekeeper, whatever is most important to them etc.

 

i dated a guy once who i really loved and hoped it would work out with, but he just wasn't very good at relationships in terms of being responsible to the other person or even sticking around too long before he got a roving eye.... he was very charming and meant well in lots of ways, but was honest up front and said he really didn't love any of his girlfriends the way he should have, he didn't know why, but that was the way he was... he liked his girlfriends well enough, but was just as happy doing lots of other things, so he hopped in and out of relationships pretty easily, while the girls were devastated when he never really 'settled down' with them the way he should. i felt kind of sorry for him actually, because his life was a mess in some ways becuase he eventually had three failed marriages and a kid with each wife, and never seemed to be able to care deeply enough about any one woman to stick around and work through the problems any normal relationship encounters. so in a marriage, it is really important that you care very deeply, so that you will stick around and work things out rather than just moving on easily like some people seem to be able to do.

 

the trick for you though is recognizing that regardless of the depth of your attachment, the connection to your ex-boyfriend has been broken and he has moved on... so don't you think you deserve someone else who really loves you as much as you are capable of loving him yourself? and i am sure there is someone out there who would be thrilled to be loved by someone like you who loves deeply! so even if you still feel sad, you need to try to pick yourself up and look for someone who can go the distance!

[locolady]

thanks for all these great replies, i appreciate it.

 

Theres a lot of truth being said here - that i am grieving the loss of the future dreams i had and that i did love deeply and that has made it difficult to move on.

 

people have said though.....dont you think you deserve better? Trouble is no i dont. i dont think i am worth bothering with, i dont feel i deserve anything. I know everyone says not to base your worth on how someone else views you, but how can you not? all we have really is our relationships with others, i dont care about material things so if the one person i loved and spent so much time with can disrespect, hurt and humiliate me, then walk away and never miss me, then surely that is absolute proof that i make no difference to anyone, that my presense is worthless.

 

Any advice on how to shake this belief? (ive already tried volunteering, charity work, new hobbies, exercising, new friends etc....i really need to know how you can feel good about yourself when the actions of others show that you are worthless.)

 

I do have friends who have been brilliant to me, but its just not enough? i feel that if he could walk away and be happier without me in his life, then maybe everyone i know would be better off if i wasnt here.

 

thanks

[Juliana]

I really think it's a question of where you get your confirmation of your self-worth, from yourself, or from other people. You have to be able to decide for yourself that you're a worthwhile person, just as you are, and that relationships that don't work out aren't a question of you not being "good enough" for him, it's a question of fit with each other.

 

Some guys are, however, subtly abusive. They don't mean to be. But they tend to be very self-centered, and they teach us to constantly refer to them, about everything. When we're with them, it's very gratifying, almost infantilizing, and it meets all kinds of primal needs we don't like to admit to ourselves. Trust us, these guys say. We won't let you down. And then they do.

 

It's not a game; there's no way to avoid being hurt. Hurt is part of life, but leaving these men requires waking up from a dream of love to the reality that there was no love, only these guys, loving themselves and using us as the mirror, the tool to give their own love back to themselves. Of course they left you because you weren't good enough, of course they left you for someone better -- that is what they honestly believe. If you were the best, they'd still be using you to reflect their own image back to themselves -- because only the best will do for that.

 

If someone loves you, they treat you lovingly, whether they are in a romantic relationship with you or not. If someone is using you, you will know it by the starved quality of your soul when they throw you away, because they have taken all the self-esteem you had to feed themselves, and left you with nothing.

 

I think that's why it takes longer with some guys than others; it's a self-esteem thing.

 

"I know everyone says not to base your worth on how someone else views you, but how can you not? all we have really is our relationships with others, i dont care about material things so if the one person i loved and spent so much time with can disrespect, hurt and humiliate me, then walk away and never miss me, then surely that is absolute proof that i make no difference to anyone, that my presense is worthless."

 

It's called "internal locus of control," it's about centering your opinion of yourself, of others, of your life, in yourself. It's something abused children and adults lack. It's necessary to mental health. Your locus of control, the voice you refer to to tell you what to think about things, has to be within you. Measure your worth by your own values and how you live up to them. It has to be this way, or we are at the mercy of evil. Imagine the abused child, imagine the innocent prisoner, imagine the martyr for human rights -- do they take their self-worth from the people around them? Or is there a higher good that tells them that they have to take their self-worth from themselves? I think so.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think when you place your whole sense of self and power into another person, when they leave you kind of collapse inward... this is not a healthy place to be and usually means that you need counseling. there are all kinds of reasons a person ends up feeling worthless, which is why counseling is important, to decide how you got that way, and tp plan a way to get your self esteem back.

 

you are investing your ex with WAY too much power, to be the one judge and jury who decides your fate and whether you are 'worthy' or not. he is NOT the messiah or any ultimate authority on anything and you need to remind yourself of that... he just a person like you whom you had a relationship with, that did now work out for who knows what reason... he is just a human being like anybody else, with preferences and flaws etc. you may have been the most noble person in the world and he could still walk away because he was a jerk, or he decided he likes blondes when you're a brunette etc.

 

when someone idolizes a boyfriend to the extent you seem to, it usually means that in their childhood they had some kind of unfulfilled yearning and fear of abandonment... a parent who was distant, or an alcoholic, or abuser, etc. when you are a child, your parents are all powerful because you do totally depend on them for survival, and would die if they abandoned you. but if you are still feeling this way as an adult, that a boyfriend leaving you is a catastrophe of epic proportions that you can never seem to get over, then that means you are still stuck in that childish view, him the all powerful parent, you the helpless and abandoned child.

 

so the only way to really fix this is to get some counseling to help you learn how to place your sense of power and worth inside yourself, and especially how NOT to give it away to some guy who walks away...

 

you are worthy, and able, you just are stuck in a false sense of powerless...

 

good luck, and go make your new quest finding yourself, not searching to reclaim a lost parent surrogate like your ex boyfriend...

[sandyv]

BeStrong: Amen, very well said.....

[turqoise]

I was reading this thread and wanted to say it`s been helpful for me too.

Juliana,

If someone is using you, you will know it by the starved quality of your soul when they throw you away, because they have taken all the self-esteem you had to feed themselves, and left you with nothing.

this was great - it put the casue of the way I`m feeling away from me and in a helpful objective view. thankyou.

 

Bestrongbehappy, what you said was awesome too. Hit the nail on the head for me - I have a loving family, but I have self esteem issues which come up in relationships due to feelings of abandonment. They seemed to have been rooted in the way my parents trained me to sleep on my own really young, and cos I have a sensitive personality. It`s amazing, it`s not even someting I remember.

[healinginnyc81]

turquoise, your idea of feelings of abandonment actually reminded me exactly how I felt when my relationship ended. It brought back all the memories of all the times I've felt like people had left me alone.

 

Maybe that applies to you locolady?

Another thing is it sounds like you have this image in your head of what you "should" be like and you believe that you don't fit this image. Most likely your image of what you should be is skewed and probably your beliefs about yourself are skewed.

 

But I know how hard it is to devalue the opinion of the one person whose opinion meant so much to you before. It's been a year since my breakup and still I sometimes think about how my ex views me and I wish I could show her that I've improved or that I'm not how she thought of me.

 

I hope you can break out of the vicious beliefs you have about yourself. But it takes a lot of arguing with yourself and monitoring your thoughts to get to that point where you can correct both your image of yourself and who you should be.

[locolady]

Some guys are, however, subtly abusive. They don't mean to be. But they tend to be very self-centered, and they teach us to constantly refer to them, about everything. When we're with them, it's very gratifying, almost infantilizing, and it meets all kinds of primal needs we don't like to admit to ourselves. Trust us, these guys say. We won't let you down. And then they do.

 

It's called "internal locus of control," it's about centering your opinion of yourself, of others, of your life, in yourself. It's something abused children and adults lack. It's necessary to mental health. Your locus of control, the voice you refer to to tell you what to think about things, has to be within you. Measure your worth by your own values and how you live up to them. It has to be this way, or we are at the mercy of evil. .

 

Thank you for this post, it is really useful....i think you have hit the nail on the head about my ex - he's not a bad guy but he is very selfish and i lived 3 years trying to be actually what he wanted and that changed regularly! i had invested everything in to him and hung off his every word - i realise that i adored him in a pretty unhealthy way.

 

I KNOW that i really have to find a way to respect and love myself, i know that true happiness has to come from within first. i guess i have a lot of jealousy in my nature and i easily get overwhelmed by other people if i perceive them to be better than me. i just meet so many people who are kinder, funnier, more charming, prettier, thinner and i think - yep, thats why he doesnt want me, i wouldnt want me if i was him. It seems so hard to know if youre a decent person or not - i thought i was but then surely he would have felt guilty for destroying someone if they didnt deserve it? even on days when i feel quite happy, there is a voice in my head telling me that im useless and unattractive. i have been on a few dates with this guy and whenever he says something nice about me, i just scoff in my head and think yeah right.....maybe i do need counselling like someone suggested? surely there is a way to combat this myself?

 

I just bought - 'the power of now' by eckhart tolle - so maybe this will help!?

 

thanks again, your post was really great

[locolady]

Bestrongbehappy......thanks also to you - also a really insightful helpful post - thanks for putting the time in! xx

 

only thing i will say is that i wonder why i feel this way and why i idolised my ex so much? you talked about missing something as a child but i genuinely have the kindest most amazing parents - they were always always there for me and still are - i can depend upon them one hundred percent always. i definitely had the best childhood around. maybe i was cushioned a little perhaps and i'd never actually been let down before? or maybe i have such a good relationship with my parents that i elevated my boyfriend to this level and really let him in? hmmm i dont know, thought provoking thread though so thank you. x

[scsavino]

I went through something similiar.

We broke up and got back together off and on for a month, then we aplit for good.

Two weeks later he's dating someone else.

 

 

Go figure.

 

Me? I cant even look at another guy yet. It's been almost a month.

And its not because I hate men. Its just Im not ready.

 

Everyone is different.

 

Give it time.

Open yourself up to date. Meet new people.

 

Good luck.

[brokedownpoet]

my ex said he wanted to be single and that he didn't love himself so he couldn't love me... before we were even over he was seeing someone else.. basically he flipped a switch and was finished with our relationship.. he cried the day he broke up with me, but i've cried a miiiiiiillllliooooooooooon in a half tears ( probably more ) and he doesn't care.. he tells me he's tired of hearing it, that i need to be stronger...So why do they tell us they love us??? to get in our pants.. I had a biiiiiiiiig long philosophy for this, but i don't have time to write it right now.