Stupid Argument with b/f over women

[hope123]

My b/f and i got into a stupid argument last night. The bar we were at was grundgy and the bartender had these huge ugly tattoos on her arm and these things in her lips..and she was wearing this leather thing so her bo*bs could hang out.--She pretty much seemed like she would be a good in plain english(like a rough girl that some guys like)--well when we were leaving she asked about me dancing with her on the table b/c i was good looking. I just laughed a little thinking it was funny and we left a few minutes later.

 

My b/f makes a joke oh she was hitting on you..and i said ugh she was disgusting. My b/f then says "She was cute". I basically felt really angry at him finding that type of girl cute. I said even with those wonderful tattoos and he said what do i care about that and if she took that thing out of her lip, cleaned up a little, she is cute. She has a pretty face. I really felt angry b/c then i felt like--gese he is thinking about this too much(if this girl does this and this, she is cuter). And i said how do you think she is cute? And then he said what do you want me to say she was unbelievably hot--that right there meant--no he didn't think she was cute, he thought she was hot.

 

I'm sure i am going to get a lot of criticism..BUT IT BOTHERED ME AND REALLY MADE ME ANGRY. He tried to joke and say "what i can only find you cute" but at that point i was really angry..It made me think--what types of girls did he sleep with then?? B/c he hasnt had many long term relationships at all, rarely brought home any either..so basically most of the time it was about sex...and all of these thoughts just really were building up making me more angry...i know the past is the past but i couldnt help it. And i said this to him too--finding a girl like that cute---meant she is good for sex and i can't imagine some of the type of girls you were with. He got angry of course..but it was somewhat true..if u didn't have many relationships0--chances are--mostly it was just about sex and their bodies. He said what does me not bringing them home have to do with what type of person they are. I said if you didn't care about them--what do you know about what type of person they are. And he said this is true. Later he says i'm not gonna apologize about the fact i'm not going to find you as the only person i'm attracted to.

It was a stupid fight and maybe i overreacted a little but i felt like this little person with him saying what do you want me to say then--she is unbelievable hot? I know guys will look and thats how it is but i just could not help how it makes me feel. It just made me feel hurt. I don't know how other people would have felt and thats why i am here.

 

Sometimes i feel like some of these posts about how oh he is still with you and doesnt love you any less at all--i feel sometimes its just rationalizing certain behavior and we are trying to make ourselves feel better about the situation. In a sense i get that--looking will happen on both our parts...but i really do not notice guys as much b/c i am with my b/f. I was looking an awful lot when i was single and my friends and i would get a kick out it. Now a lot us are not single and we do not feed off that too much anymore. I have a feeling with most guys its a completely different situation. I feel like some of that LOOKING should decrease somewhat(not alot--somewhat). Same thing with the strip clubs---if a guy is truly truly committed---why go to look at these dancers? Take you business colleague somewhere else, stand up to your friends and say no its not for me right now...i just feel a lot of these things are excuses and justifying seeing someone in sexual way other than the person YOU SUPPOSDILY LOVE THE MOST. Even if its ok with the other person--why feel the need to go if you have someone willing to fufull your sexual needs. I just dont get it and probably never will. And another thing is--i heard and read when a guy is looking at a girl--he is thinking of her in a sexual way--its not innocent and its not just ADMIRING. He isnt thinking she looks like a sweet nice girl. He is thinking--her breasts are huge, her body looks hot, she looks like she would be good in bed. I am asking this in a serious and heart felt manner----How are some girls completely secure with this? what do you think about this when it happens b/c it does happen. I know i need a boost in self esteem and i am really wondering about this. B/c it isnt innocent thinking when a guy is checking out a girl. I know when i look at a guy i am not thinking--he must be good in bed.

 

My b/f never even gives me compliments ever but its so easy to notice what this girl can do to be even more cute. Noone's confidence or security would have been shaken by this a little?? I really can't be one of those girls who will say yeah she was really cute hun, glad you liked her, or brush it off WITHOUT even thinking in head--it bothers me.

 

Obviously--there are self-essteem issues here as well. How do i improve this in situations like this? How do i raise confidence. My b/f and i are at 2 extreemes it seems. He is very confident and has somewhat of an arrogance about him. So maybe that makes me feel less secure as well b/c i know he is not shy about talking to a woman, being in a crowd etc etc. He has this certain look and attitude i think many women like. This also makes me have a certain feeling that if he went out with guys and some girls happen to start speaking to them--he would talk a little longer than he should, possibly flirt etc etc

 

This a long post i know, but need advice.

[Scout]

You know, I could give you a long post about "controlling insecurity" and "accepting that your guy will find other women attractive" and so on and so on, but...you know what? Sometimes, these little episodes just happen and we do get upset and feel threatened. Case in point: some twit was posting flirty (in my opinion) comments on my boyfriend's MySpace page. Naturally, I went to her page to see who she is, and she has all those stupid "About me" quiz results pasted all over her page, and there's a lot of room for improvement in terms of her grammar and originality. I asked my boyfriend why he's even a MySpace friend with her, and he replied, "Because she's funny." I'm like...FUNNY??? You actually think she's ha ha, witty funny?

 

So yeah, that was a jarring experience, to see he has a completely different take on someone than the one I have, especially considering it's another female that I already am irritated with over her flirty (again, in my opinion - not so much his) comments. In my heart, I trust him, but I still feel irritated when I recall his opinion that this girl is "funny."

 

thereforeeee, I don't have any real advice for you, other than if you trust him more than you don't, best to just let this one pass and not dwell on it, if you can. It's not worth the energy involved to keep replaying it, plus it will just irk you more and more.

[annie24]

My b/f never even gives me compliments ever but its so easy to notice what this girl can do to be even more cute. Noone's confidence or security would have been shaken by this a little?? I really can't be one of those girls who will say yeah she was really cute hun, glad you liked her, or brush it off WITHOUT even thinking in head--it bothers me.

 

Obviously--there are self-essteem issues here as well. How do i improve this in situations like this? How do i raise confidence. My b/f and i are at 2 extreemes it seems. He is very confident and has somewhat of an arrogance about him. So maybe that makes me feel less secure as well b/c i know he is not shy about talking to a woman, being in a crowd etc etc.

 

I think that this everything you have posted about your boyfriend indicates that there are one of two things going on. Either you have a reason to distrust him, or you are overly paranoid.

 

I definitely think you should talk to a therapist about your self-esteem issues. It seems a lot of the same issues with your boyfriend keep coming up, and I don't think any of us can give you an answer - if he is too much of a flirt, or you are too insecure. Maybe it is a little of both.

[Batya33]

It's fine for people who are coupled off to find others attractive. it is not fine to tell that to the other person in a way that is tacky or insensitive. Mostly, it should not be shared in the first place - what good can come of sharing information like that?

[hope123]

He never did that about a real life person before. Except for one time we were at a club with one of his friends. And the friend asked my b/f what he thought of the bartender--and my b/f responds saying she is hot. Not in a loug way proclaiming it. but he said it and i was right there. I thought it was rude of both the friend and my b/f to do this. I am right there and the friend is going to ask that like i wont hear b/c we are in a loud club.

[melrich]

Well I have to take another view. I think it would be a terribly sad relationship if you could not acknowledge to your partner that you saw an attractive woman/man.

 

You have to remember, being in a relationship is not like wearing blinkers. It is not like you suddenly stop being a human being. It is not like you can just block out naturally occurring thoughts.

 

So there are two ways you can play it. You can acknowledge it with each other (that's what my partner and myself choose to do) or you vcan keep such thoughts to yourself.

 

In your case I guess you should advise your b/f not to share such thoughts with you but personally I think that would be sad (context). But at the end of the day you cannot control his thoughts.

[hope123]

Sharing those thoughts with me is one thing--having his friend ask right in front of me is this girl was particulary good looking and him responding she is hot with me standing there holding his hand is another...its just rude and disrespectful.

 

i never said someone should have blinders if you read my post. Why exactly would it be sad to not share that with your partner? Not saying she is hot especially when it was NOT directly asked. How is that sad in any way? If i directly ask maybe thats another thing.

 

This whole situation just makes me confused. Does anyone have any ideas about if i should call him tonight? I really have a feeling he wont call unless i do b/c he thinks he is 100 percent right. Was it tacky for him to say she has a pretty face, who cares about the tattoos, if she was wearing a long sleeved shirt and cleaned up a little etc etc--should i say that to him if so?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think there is a whole lot going on here in your post... i think that it is true that everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, but your boyfriend may have been insensitive in his expressions of his thoughts... i read somewhere that men have some kind of sexual thought every 6 minutes or something... the diffferent between men, women, testosterone, and estrogen! combine that with alcohol, and your boyfriend's inhibitions may have been lowered enough that he actually said something he was thinking, which obviously set you off.

 

i think lots of women would be really bothered by what he said, and other women not mind at all... has to to with how secure and sensitive you are, and whether you tend to be jealous or not. so i really wouldn't try to cast this into a larger 'who is right and who is wrong' battle, which is exactly what happened....

 

the key is that you need to be with someone who has similar views to yours on lots of subjects, including flirting with other women, expressing those feelings, whether that is insensitive or not etc. i have been with some men who would never in a million years make such a comment, and other men who would make such a comment and laugh it off, or say that they are just being honest, or drank too much, but would never act on any fleeting attraction.

 

so you need to decide what is really important to you, and whether this boyfriend fits into this scheme. if he is totally insisting you are wrong, and you are insisting the reverse, and neither is being flexible for the sake of considering the other person's feelings, then maybe you two are just in two opposite worlds in terms of your values. so either you learn to compromise and try not to hurt another, or recognize you are too far apart and move on to someone who has values closer to your own. you are obviously very uncomfortable with his behavior, and he certainly does not seem to care that you were upset, so that is the part that you should really think about... are you willing to be with someone who is not very sensitive to you feelings.

[hope123]

He had like 2 drinks so i really dont think his inhibitions were lowered.

 

I mean in one sense it wasnt like it was just some random thought expressed--that bartender was cute...it came about b/c i said she was disgusting and he said the opposite.

 

So what do i do?

 

Do i tell him unless i openly ask you what you think of so and so--its insensitive of you to say--she is cute, if she does this and this--she is cute. She has a pretty face etc.

 

 

Should i call him tonight--wait a few days? what would someone do about that in my situation--just curious.

[melrich]

Sharing those thoughts with me is one thing--having his friend ask right in front of me is this girl was particulary good looking and him responding she is hot with me standing there holding his hand is another...its just rude and disrespectful.

 

Where on earth do you say this in your original post? Are you talking about the same incident?

 

Your original post seems to me to say, my boyfriend and I started talking about the girl behind the bar because she asked me to dance on tables with her. In thecourse of that discussion my boyfriend told me he thought she was hot. That is the context I was talking about.

 

Is that not what happened? Where in your original post was there any mention of him talking to another guy and saying the bartender was hot (in which case I agree with you, that would be a different matter)?

[itsallgrand]

hope,

 

I've felt like that too, at times. With my ex, we were reasonably open about that stuff. We shared - but indeed, I have no doubts that we also kept info to ourselves! Some things would have started fights for no reason.

 

I think, the majority of the time I do agree with Melrich. I wouldn't want to keep that in the dark completely. It can actually be a bonding thing, and you learn a lot about each other and work through insecurities if it is handled well.

 

But sometimes, something is said or an opinion is shared or something is done and it hurts.

We can't help it, it just hurts.

Millions of possible reasons why and it isn't always about being insecure or insensitive.

 

One thing I think of here, is how it bothers you because she is a certain type of person you find distasteful. But he has the opposite view. That can be irritating.

 

Ok, once my ex told me a story that involved someone he called 'a hot chick'. It was a funny story, (I never saw the girl myself), and it turns out the chick was really a dude. Right.

But you know what? It bugged me and hurt me that he found that 'chick' hot.

I thought "how is it possible he couldn't tell it was a dude? What does this mean? Ok, credibility when he calls me beautiful is down to nothing. He can't see. " a million things like this.

And though I laughed, he could tell it made me uneasy, and I did speak my mind/opinion on it too.

All he said was 'he was hot'.

In the end, I fell on my old standby of thinking 'well, for him it probably is that simple, and at least he can say it to me. It doesn't have to mean more.'

 

I think, sometimes it comes down to basic differences in people and our tolerance! Seriously.

And, how we look at things.

 

I mean no offence to men - but sometimes I really wonder 'how in hell can I be close and trust someone who thinks so differently? He is crazy!'

And no doubt the men in my life have thought the same thing about me.

[Honey Pumpkin]

My b/f never even gives me compliments ever but its so easy to notice what this girl can do to be even more cute. Noone's confidence or security would have been shaken by this a little?? I really can't be one of those girls who will say yeah she was really cute hun, glad you liked her, or brush it off WITHOUT even thinking in head--it bothers me.

 

Bit bothered by the fact that you say your boyfriend never even gives you compliments - is that true? Because that would sting for me. Not all the time, but I like to know that they think I'm gorgeous/hot etc. (And I'm always very complimentary to people generally - I think people don't get nearly enough praise).

[hope123]

Someone wrote it should not be shared in the first place..and i responded by saying he has never said this about a real life person before except for this one time at a club with his friend..so this was one other situation. If you go back and reread everything you will understand.

 

The bartender and the dancing on the tables is what recently happened and i knew what you were talking in reference to.

[hope123]

I completely stopped giving my b/f compliments in response to his lack of compliments and anytime i did--he would just say i know..which is plane arrogance and it really showed me..ok he really doesnt need any compliments b/c he is thinking too much of himself anyway. So i stopped b/c i did not want to hear i know if i said you looked good today. There was actually a time he came out of the bathroom and said perfect(meaning thats how he looked). It partially was just kidding around BUT who really says that unless they think ALOT of themselves. This is definitely arrogance to me. And him saying that really irritated me b/c i was just like...when the hell would you ever throw something like that my way?

 

What should i tell my b/f if i do call? Do i even talk further about the issue? Do i tell him--you know what--you never ever give me compliments but notice other girls soo easily and i stopped give you compliments b/c whenever i did you would just say i know...that type of arrogance turned me off so i just stopped doing it altogether.

[melrich]

Then I agree. Where the situation is him talking to a friend in front of you about how hot other women are that is disrespectful.

 

In the situation you posted here where he is talking to you, I think that is great he is honest and shares his thoughts with you. As I said before there are 2 ways you can handle it. Tell him to keep his thoughts to himself or both be open about it.

 

Remember, thinking someone is good looking or attractive does not mean you want to sleep with them. It is just acknowledging a basic human response to beauty. If my partner said to me "I never see the attraction in any other man but you" I'd know only one thing for sure, that she was telling me a lie.

[hope123]

Should i call him tonight--wait a few days? Let this stupid situation go?

What would you do this situation?

[annie24]

what sucks is that it seems you are on pins and needles in this relationship. is he really making you happier, or are you spending most of your time in this relationship worrying?

[melrich]

What would you do this situation?

 

I guess taking out what the argument was about, the whole thing is you feeling one way about something and him feeling another.

 

So to me the best thing is always to talk about it. But you have to do that in a calm environment and make sure it is the issue you are talking about, not the person.

 

So you explain to him how his comments made you feel and why, he explains to you why he feels he can make those comments and what he means by them and then trying to hopefully find some middle ground.

 

The main thing you have to keep telling yourself is that your b/f does not have the same perspective on these comments as you do. He sees them as harmless and whether you agree with that or not, you have to understand that that is his perspective.

 

After you talk about it he will either change his perspective and compromise or you will change your perspective and compromise.

[rmpavlock]

I have to wonder also. How happy are you with this guy? It seems like you are so worried about this. Are you always this worried? When I was with my ex I felt that way all the time. He would brush things off and I would stay up all night worrying. It's up to you what you want to do. Sometimes I find it's better to just back off for a little while and calm yourself down. If he cares about you, you shouldn't have to worry.

[caro33]

Hey there hope123.

 

I find personally that it's the language that gets my back up. If my husband says someone is pretty, or attractive, I am not worried. I know he thinks I am too, so I am not threatened. It's also a kind of sterile comment if you know what I mean, it's not a sexed up sounding statement.

 

However if he says someone is 'hot' my insecurity rises to the surface, because to me that is code for 'f**kable', or if this gets blanked, then 'beddable'. That then takes a bland seeming statement into the 'oh I would like to sleep with her' terrain, which upsets me to hear. I don't need to hear it. I will get cranky.

 

So my way of dealing with this is a hybrid of what everyone's said before:

1) Try to not take it personally.

2) Failing that, I will get a bit grumpy and quiet until the moment has passed. I recognise as Scout says, that these moments happen sometimes, you get over it.

3) If I stay grumpy I will perhaps wait until a quiet moment and then advise him that I realise I am being insecure, and I know he didn't mean anything by it, but statements like that (eg 'she's HAWT') sound like verbal ogling and I don't like it. I can't police his thoughts and he's free to have them, but if he wants me to stay sweet he should watch his language when he is obviously appreciating another womans 'assets'.

 

I do think that the issue you raise of how he doesn't compliment you, and how you also don't compliment him because it sounds like you are just feeding his ego, is a real problem. You are in a relationship! A loving, intimate relationship and you don't tell one another how much you fancy each other? Are you kidding me? No wonder this relationship is such a source of insecurity for you and you spend so much time doubting. I think you have a real passive-aggressive thing going on with each other. I also think it's entirely possible he said the bar woman was hot to get a rise out of you.

 

If you are going to stick it out with this relationship I think you need to refresh this particular issue and start again. Have a talk and say that you need greater emotional intimacy, and try a find a way to give and receive compliments from one another in such a way that you both want to keep giving them.

 

See, no mention of your history . Oops.

[hope123]

I finally think i figured out something when he talks about another girl..like if we saw one on tv or i know one of the pop singers he likes..he refers to them as cute..but this pop singer is way more than cute..she is hot...and he never uses the word hot. So when were in the car and i said how is she cute?(about the barmaid) He says what do you want me to say then--she is unbelievable hot? So basically when he says cute--he is mostly meaning hot and doesnt wanna use that word in front of me.

 

I guess i could mention the emotional intimacy is still lacking--you are so quick to mention the attractiveness of a bartender but when was the last time you gave me a compliment without me hinting for one. If you can't remember its probably been too long.

[caro33]

Yes have a talk about it once the ill feelings have perhaps died down a little. Don't attack him on this though if you can help it, it's more about how you have felt in response to things than about his failings as a boyfriend.

 

I agree that if neither of you can remember when you last said something genuinely appreciative of one another, you need to rectify that. Make it clear what you think you need to hear from him, find out what he needs to hear from you, then see if you can either just agree to do better by one another or at least find a compromise...

 

I think there will always be that insecurity there, so many of us have it, that hatred of hearing how attractive our SO finds other people. But it's life, and the best I think we can do is to -

 

(a) find someone who matches our own values,

(b) be prepared to still have the occasional misunderstanding,

© when there's a slipup, try to be generous with the other person,

(d) but also express your needs when this needs to occur.

[hope123]

My b/f also mentions how we can't go so and so time without some sort of conflict or friction...That is why i need to ask--is he being unrealistic? I do not know ANYBODY in a relationship, married etc who go months and months without some sort of conflict whether it be really small like just an attiude for no reason or something really big where there is yelling and tears etc.

 

I really do not know anyone capable of this and feel he is looking for convenience when he talks about it. I feel there will always be some sort of issue to be dealt with or someone unhappy a little bit but about he/she spoke to them the other day--just a variety of reasons. A fight every week--that may be a problem...every month, or other month--i really do not know anyone who doesnt have some sort of little tiny fight or sarcastic comments made, some little dispute--something for a long amount of time. I feel like this is a very rare case or someone is agreeing too much and not standing up for themsevles. What do you think? When he says this--it really sounds to me he is looking for something that rarely exists in a relationship and he is looking for something way too easy.

[caro33]

How often are you actually having these moments of conflict though? How often does he perceive it compared to you? How do these things tend to end? Is there generally one of you who capitulates and one who gets their way?

 

Some couples never have conflict, but I think most do. It can be healthy if it actually means you understand one another better at the end of it.

 

But so much depends on the nature and 'quality' of your conflict. If he's saying he needs to have more happy times and less conflict to be with you you should perhaps listen to him and try to see what he's getting at. Perhaps he's being unfair from your perspective, but it would be dangerous to just argue with him on this one without really listening to what he's telling you.

[hope123]

i think every couple of weeks we have some sort of friction..meaning it can be mostly small--attitude or not liking the way he sounds on the phone with me etc etc etc..little things and then there is the once in awhile huge argument where u dont even want to talk for like 2 days after it.