Sex buddies....do they ever work?? <Mod>

[locolady]

sex has always been really important to me, and i've never slept with someone i havent loved.

 

However, i have been single for a year and 3 months now and am beginning to get rather erm, restless!

 

just out of curiosity, i wanted to know if people have had friends that they sleep with - so called f**k buddies and whether that ever actually works. i know lots of people say no strings attached but then it becomes a problem ie one person develops feelings for the other or wants more etc, or meets someone they want a proper relationship with....etc

 

i dont really know if i could even do it, but im just curious....i would never want to sleep around or with someone i dont know but am so desperate for some physicality in my life, yet not ready for another relationship yet since the last one took so much out of me.

 

any comments welcome! cheers.

[Spugly Fuglet]

heres my take

 

NO, Sorry it has from what I can see always gone pear shaped, human just can not help but get involved.

 

Even one knight stands can lead to pain.

 

well thats what I think any way

[n83]

I have done this.. Yes it can work if both parties involved consciously recognize that they absolutely do NOT want to date the other person (and don't have romantic feelings for them). It hasn't been successful for me when it was a guy I had feelings for or vice versa.

[renaissancewoman101]

FWB relationships don't usually work out well. Even when both parties are going in with the best of intentions. Sex usually brings out emtional attachments from either party. Emotions are not something we can control easily. Consequently, doing FWB leads to one person wanting more (whether it is expressed or not), and usually leads to someone getting hurt or friendships broken.

 

I do understand how you feel about need to scratch that "itch". I can be a very sexual person at times and its hard not having a SO to bond with. I also miss the affection that comes with the sex. But I am too afraid to go out and find a FWB situation because I am too fragile right now and dont need my emotions hurt.

[musicguy]

I dunno, I have never had a f**k buddy, so I wouldn't know

[vermilion]

I have a "make-out" buddy and he goes through periods of having strong feelings for me and wanting a relationship and not caring about me just wanting the physical stuff...so fickle, ugh I don't know if it will progress to "sex buddies" because I know he is uncertain about his feelings and I personally feel sex is really intimate and am still a virgin anyway.

 

I think it can work if you're both very strong-minded people- as in, you're both CERTAIN you don't have feelings for each other.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Sex is important to you...which is paradoxically why you SHOULDN'T get a f**k buddy.

 

Nothing will de-value sex faster and mess with your head quicker.

 

Trust me.

[Batya33]

Be very careful and be very honest with yourself whether what you miss is purely the physical contact or also the emotions both before during and after with someone you care about and love.

 

and thanks for not calling it FWB since often the "friends" part is merely euphemistic or a way for someone to convince him or herself that there is some element that is not purely to get sex.

[shes2smart]

Having done the FWB thing a time or two, it's been my experience that it can work ONLY when certain circumstances are in place and ONLY for some people. Basically, you both have to be very clear & honest about what your intentions are. As long as you're both on the same page about your intentions and the nature of the relationship you're creating, it can work.

 

The other thing about FWBs is they tend to be short-lived arrangements. I've never had one go more than a year tops.

 

If you can separate out your need for sex and physical contact from your need for a full-time, full-scale loving relationship, an FWB can be something that bridges the gap until you can find all of those things in one person. FWBs can also work well if you are at a stage in your life where you don't have time to create/maintain a full-blown relationship (like if you're very invested in your career, f'rinstance), but still want to have sex with someone who's more than a random stranger.

 

They won't work for everyone, though. Folks who aren't keen on separating out their need/desire for sex and physical contact from the larger context of a relationship will not find FWBs satisfying. And if either you or your bed buddy aren't being honest about your intentions/goals...well, that's just trouble waiting to happen.

[RayKay]

Only in very limited circumstances, with certain kinds of people.

 

S2S points are great about how unless you can keep sex separate from relationships, or both be honest about intentions, it will not end very well.

 

Be really cautious about whether it is really sex you want...or it is intimacy. If it is the latter, you are not going to get that true intimacy you crave from a sex buddy.

 

Also....remember that if you are sleeping with someone you are risking STI transmission and pregnancy every time even with protection. So decide whether that person is worth that risk, and will be responsible with you if something DOES happen.

[DropToZero]

Hmmm....well, like the above are all mostly saying, in one instance..my first time ever doing FWB, I got attached and it ruined the whole thing for a little while, but of course it was all fixed later on. And in my 2nd instance, me being more experienced from the last time, I didn't get attached to this girl...but somehow after one night together, I think she did somewhat get attached...because despite what she's saying, I think she hates me right now because I got into a relationship with another girl and not her.

[locolady]

great replies thanks guys - lots for me to think over!

 

I truly cant say whether i could separate sex and emotions because i never have done - ive had 2 long term relationships and thats been it, ive never been interested in any intimacy without feelings before....infact even including teenage years i could probably count the number of guys ive even kissed properly on both hands!

 

and i reckon it would be a very risky game to try to find out if i could separate them!

 

i had a horrible break up last year after 4 years being together - and in the last year i just havent wanted to be with anyone, i loved my ex so deeply. i know for sure i am not ready for another relationship, i am finally beginning to feel happy on my own and i genuinely want to pursue these feelings and make myself into a person i can be proud of.

 

i think i am feeling genuine desire for some physical interaction and not emotional intimacy.....i have recently been on a few dates with a great guy but have found myself being really irritated by his attempts at intimacy....e.g. we had a great first kiss but then since then he has wanted to hold my hand, hug me and give me sweet little kisses....it has annoyed the hell out of me for some reason (i feel irrational for it but it is really fuelling my desire for some plain and simple passion with no strings) but how would i know??

 

i definitely dont want and relationship and i dont want someone to treat me like a girlfriend....i dont want someone to act like they love me, when they dont....(sounds like a massive hang-up from my ex-boyfriend actually now im writing that!) i dont want to be hugged or have the back of my neck kissed.......BUT i really want to have some sex heheh!

 

So....hmmmm, any more thoughts?

 

thanks again, its so useful having this as a sounding board! Locolady

[itsallgrand]

loco,

 

I agree with the others. Ok, I have tried this route and I have also had a spat of purely sexual encounters (casual sex).

 

I don't recommend it. Even if you can, without getting entangled.

 

It's a strange thing. My views are very strong on this, and when it comes to sex I say over and over "No sex is better than bad sex, or sex for the wrong reasons." And I believe that 100%.

 

This kind of sex is bad sex. Hey, it might be 'steamy' 'fun' 'get your rocks off' lol (sorry, crude but effective) but : it's still bad sex.

There is nothing but two bodies, maybe respect. It is rather empty and gets boring fast.

 

You run the change of devaluing sex for yourself. You run the risk of STDs and pregnancy. You run the risk of becoming emotionally involved. You run the risk of becoming less sexual - yes, really - because it becomes easier and easier to separate sex and emotion, to the point where it is hard to connect it back together again.

 

Just being horny - you can deal with that. Sure, it sucks to feel all riled up and have no person to express it with - but in my experience, it truly is better to deal with in other ways rather than to take the alternative way and have casual sex/ regular sex that is not a relationship.

 

Truth is: it IS always in the context of relationship, you do build one, it's just a matter of the quality of it! You'd be involved in a relationship where the other person doesn't care about you much. Do you want that for yourself, in exchange for some nookie?

 

Even when a person is able to keep emotions out of it and not become attached or want more (speaking only for you, because you never can predict how the other one will go as it progresses with time), it still sucks pretty bad.

Like a lollipop in exchange for a whole lot of energy and work. What you need is a full meal, and you'll find that soon enough. Wait for it.

 

Great character building opportunity for you. Maybe that's the point of my long post here: think of how your decisions will affect who you will become and what values you are embracing in your life. Once you do this, you change.

 

tc

[locolady]

hey itsallgrand.....thanks so much for that post....really helpful! i really agree with what you have said - infact i can hear myself echoed in your words! i have always said that to friends who sleep around...."its just 2 guys going at it for their own pleasure with no interest in the other person, its just not worth it, have some self-respect"

 

i just didnt realise how easy it is to say that when you are in a relationship and having plenty of great sex with all the fantastic benefits of being in love! i always took such pride in my morals on this issue....i have been so surprised that i have been even considering just sex with a friend. You have really made me see that i would regret this hugely.....just as i am beginning to re-build myself after a huge knock from my ex-boyfriend, depreciating myself on something i have always treasured would be so detrimental. thank you!

 

i think i have been so saddened by the realisation that so many people do sleep around since i have been single - and ive got so upset about it - i wanted to marry my ex, i wanted him to be the second and last person i slept with - so i think these feelings lately have actually been some sort of self-destruction. a cant beat them, join them case - maybe i thought if i devalued sex for myself it wouldnt hurt so much that it will be hard to find a new boyfriend who hasnt slept with half the world already!

 

Thanks so much, youve really made me see sense in time! xxxx

[itsallgrand]

loco, i'm glad i could help.

 

It's all about what is good for you in the long run. It isn't a path for everyone, so I'm glad you could get to the bottom of where you stand on this before having to go through with it.

 

And yeah, it really is tough sticking to what we believe once our bodies starting acting up.

 

It sounds like you still have some feelings for you ex, that stuff can take longer than we expect eh. But you're doing really good! So long as you stick to what is right for you, you're just getting stronger and stronger as a person. When the right one comes along, it'll be smooth sailing.

 

take care

[locolady]

yep fraid so - stupidly i'd do just about anything to have that cheating rat of an ex-boyfriend come back! silly aint it!

 

i guess because i had a boyfriend from the age of 14 and although there was a long gap in between beginning the 2nd relationship and it developing into a sexual relationship, i was only 17 at the time and probably not so sexually aware - this is really the first time i have had a period of time without sex and ive suddenly seen how much harder it is to stick to beliefs!

 

i am going to think of this as a character building point just like you said! its only when you get challenged that you can show your worth isnt it! dam pesky hormones though eh?!

 

loco

[annie24]

yeah, if you're going to go for F-buddies, then I think you should be clear with the other person with what you want and don't want, and clarify if you are allowed to sleep with others during the time of your arrangement. I'd definitely make everything up front so that there is no confusion later.

[quietgrl]

Only in very limited circumstances, with certain kinds of people.

 

S2S points are great about how unless you can keep sex separate from relationships, or both be honest about intentions, it will not end very well.

 

Be really cautious about whether it is really sex you want...or it is intimacy. If it is the latter, you are not going to get that true intimacy you crave from a sex buddy.

 

Also....remember that if you are sleeping with someone you are risking STI transmission and pregnancy every time even with protection. So decide whether that person is worth that risk, and will be responsible with you if something DOES happen.

 

 

Raykay has the perfect answer on this topic.A f**k buddy is only good for a limit run but sooner or later.You're limit is going to run out because women can't separate sex and their emotion.

[shes2smart]

i think i am feeling genuine desire for some physical interaction and not emotional intimacy.....

 

So....hmmmm, any more thoughts?

 

If you don't want to risk going the FWB route, here's something else you can try that may take the edge off the desire for physical touch....go to a licensed massage therapist. There is something about having the relaxing, non-sexual touch of a professional massage that can satisfy what I used to call "skin hunger" in a way that doesn't involve anything that might be damaging or risky on an emotional level.

 

Try calling salons/day spas or chiropractors where you live to get the names of some reputable LMTs and some idea of prices.

[Cardinal]

How about finding somone you know and trust (a simple aquantance who happens to be attractive) and see if he wants to have sex with you. Just make sure he knows it may only be one time and a *uck buddy at best. Most guys will oblige if they are single. For a small price you two could even get std tested beforehand so you know your clean. I think it is often that *uck buddies see each other too much and spend way too much time together in bed. Feelings develop and it is a problem.

 

I dated a girl casually who didn't want to put a label on what we had (it was truly an intellectual friend/physical lover type situation but there isn't a lable for that. Maybe mindhumpers? But anyway....whatever we called it feelings were developed on both sides and it ended badly more or less. Consider what you may get out of the relationship if you do do for it. I know I got several good things out of it that helped me develop as a person. And that was worth it for me.

 

The last thing I am worried about now is running out to find a girl to have sex with. So in that sense my advice is "if you have an itch, don't take a knife to it, but just give it a safe scratch. Give it enough to go away". After over a year, I'd be dying. Heck I might even hit up a bar or a club if it had been that long.

[blender]

"Sex buddy" does NOT work, unless of course that is the way you be proud to hear you own self be described. Think it through to how you wish to define your own character in life, not in the moment.

[locolady]

part of me thinks, i've always been too uptight about sex and maybe i should just go and enjoy myself.....i would never pick someone up in a club, i simply would never fancy someone enough to want sex if i didnt know them. plus i think thats just gross!

 

I do however have one or two really attractive single friends whom i do fancy quite a bit - we get on great, they make me laugh, they are witty and intelligent - we flirt quite a lot. i love these guys as friends. Part of me is thinking maybe i should just have some fun with him - im pretty sure he'd be up for it. He is younger than me and im as sure as i can be before the event that neither of us would develop stronger feelings for the other, a relationship pragmatically wouldnt work anyway. i would totally get std tested first and insist they did too (and obviously use protection too - i;m not an idiot!)

 

so, on the one hand, i have this little voice telling me i'm young and this guy is great, why not just let go and enjoy myself, get back in touch with my sexuality after this long time and stop worrying so much....

 

BUT on the other hand

 

there is the fact that this is something i have always valued so highly (so much so infact my last ex-boyfriend got a lot of banter jokes from his mates because i waited sooooo long before we slept together)

 

So...could this be a reaction to his betrayal? maybe a self-destruction idea, maybe if i had invested less in him, it wouldnt hurt so much? or that i cant have the perfect relationship anyway, i cant marry the one i wanted, so better to de-value sex and then i cant be hurt this way again?

 

options 1. chill out a bit and enjoy myself while im young, maybe i'd regret being too serious when im older!

 

OR 2. stick with this self-denial thing in the hope i will feel proud of it later??

 

These are the thoughts going round in my head.....any thoughts would be really appreciated! as you can imagine, after over a year without sex, i am finding myself thinking about this all the time!

 

thanks!

 

ps all the comments about bad sex etc are very good - however i know very well that i wouldnt be getting that fantastic relationship sex but it is possible that i dont want that anyway? i dont want a proper relationship right now....maybe i do just want some kicks? but will that feel completely empty and make me feel cr**?

[quietgrl]

I hope being a man sex buddies doesn't make you bitter toward men in the end.I know for now you want a sex buddies but when you're ready for a LT relationship wih a man.Well your opinion about men change?

[sparkle1]

I think sex buddies only work as long as you both have clear understanding. Even then, in my experience one or both of you incur a "ohh i think i like him" tendency.

 

I have 3 sex buddies. One of which is my ex boyfriend (hark i hear you all scream). With the ex - it isn't pure sex as i still have very real feelings for him thereforeeee its a negative sexual experience.

 

with the other 2 its easy and purly physical. Women are able to switch off the "ohh is he a potential partner switch" should they so wish to. The sex is amazing....and it doesn't de value the meaning of sex when you are in a relationship.

 

X

[locolady]

sparkle, so how did these situations work out for you? how did it start and how long has it been going on?

 

do you feel sexually satified without getting involved?

 

in your opinion, could this be a good thing for me/ do you consider it an enjoyable and good thing in your life?

 

thanks for your reply