I want to get married!

[jeninjersey]

Hi all,

 

I met my boyfriend 6 years ago and we have practically been dating every since, aside from one year in which we were broken up. I met my bf when I was 20 and he was 29…now I am 26 and he is 34. Since we first met, I've graduated college, changed jobs three times (I'm now in a very stable and well-paying position), and moved into my own apartment. Recently, I've been overcome with strong feelings of wanting more out of this relationship. We've known eachother for a long time and have dated for quite a while, and I am very ready to get engaged and start a family. I also feel like at this point, there should definitely be some sort of commitment – dating is no longer enough. About 6 months ago, I was so frustrated that I actually bought him a band and proposed to HIM (something I really never saw myself doing). He laughed and said it was ridiculous and that that's not the way things should be done (ie, a man should propose to a woman). I felt so rejected, but he blew it off, telling me that I was being impatient and that he was going to do things the "right way."

 

I see my bf almost everyday and he is practically living with me – he brings his clothes, toiletries, belongings, etc. over to my place, sleeps over, goes to work in the morning, and comes back at night. He helps me go grocery shopping, clean the apartment, etc, and we eat dinner together and I sometimes make his lunch in the morning to bring to work…on the surface it's like we're already married!!! Although I LOVE having him there all the time (less lonely and I love being with him!), I feel like maybe "playing house" is backfiring because if I'm giving up the milk for free, what's his incentive to buy the cow??? On the other hand, I would be miserable if he DIDN'T come over all the time, because I guess deep down inside it's comforting to at least FEEL like we're married. So I could never tell him this, because he'd get upset and say, "Well, you wanted me to come over all of the time, so if you feel I'm taking advantage of you, I won't come over anymore!" And that's NOT what I want.

 

I'm not sure what to do. I bring up the topic of getting married often, probably more than I should, and he always says that he has a "plan" and it's in the works. However…he's been telling me this for a long time now, and I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever get engaged. He drops hints sometimes and says he's doing "research" (ie, his code word for looking at rings), but yesterday I got the nerve to ask him how the "research" was going and he said it was a "failure." When I asked what this meant, he said that things were taking longer than he expected. I asked him if we were still on track and headed towards marriage, and he assured me that we were. I'm scared to keep badgering him with the same topic, but at the same time, I feel helpless and frustrated. We've know eachother for a very long time, and I really feel that's it's been unfair to drag this out for so long. And I feel that at 34 y/o, he should stop stalling and make a move already!!!! I don't really think he knows how emotionally draining and depressing this has been for me…after all, he's a guy and I don't think the issue of getting married consumes him. Even a friend of his recently asked him when he was getting married, saying "You need to throw a ring on her finger!"

 

What do I do? I can't talk to him about this because he'll take it as me pressuring him and "trying to find out every single detail," as he puts it. I'm silently suffering inside, and in the meantime I feel like he's stalling and leading me on. I've even been thinking that if he doesn't propose by March/April, I'm ending the relationship. Am I being too hasty? Should I just relax and keep waiting? I don't want him to marry me out of pressure or ultimatums, but I'm running out of patience after 6 years!!!!

[AwdreeHpburn]

welcome jen

 

It is MY opinion that you should say it.

 

Say it once, say it with finality and mean it.

 

Of course if you bring it up over and over it could be perceived as whining and pressuring him, but if you say what you want, what you won't accept and are firm about it, he'll have no choice but to take you seriously.

 

Lay it out for him. I'm not saying give him an ultimatum - I don't think that's what you're looking for, but maybe a deadline. Like, "I want to be married by the time I'm 30 (or whatever). Something like that.

 

That gives him the time to "do it properly" as he wants and it can come from him. BUT you're still able to meet your needs. When and if that certain designated time rolls around and it hasn't happened, you can cross that bridge......

[Beec]

First, stop mentioning it all the time. It's not helping you, and it is probably hurting your cause. You cannot nag him into getting married.

 

Second, begin to build somethings in your life that are independent of him. After 6 years, your lives are probably very entertwined. Get more of a life of your own.

 

Third, begin to hint that there is a sell by date, let him know there is one, and do not tell him when it is. You've got your plan, he can do his research and if it all works out, OK. If not, oh well. Stick to it. PLease adopt that attitude.

[Batya33]

First: decide "assuming I knew today that this was the extent of our commitment, how long would I stay?"

 

Second, based on the answer to that question, tell him - without tears or anger: "I love you, I want to marry you [and I don't need a ring/fancy ring] and I can wait another ___ [days/weeks/months/years] to be engaged and another [time period] for a wedding date. After that time, I will need time apart from you. I will not date anyone else for three months in part because I need to get my head together. You can call me if you change your mind and are ready to propose. Otherwise, no contact. If you care about me you will understand why I need no contact"

 

Then give him a chance to miss you. You must decide what your priority is - a lifelong marriage or the comfort and loveliness of your current togetherness but without any plan for marriage.

 

My guess is that he cannot afford the ring he wants to get for you or that you have said you want. Maybe make it clear that that is not an issue for you?

 

Good luck!

[Jayar]

Agreed. I understand you love him, but you ARE giving the milk and he evidently isn't in much of a rush and really he doesn't lose anything by not proposing, does he? You still want him around and he still gets what he wants and needs from you.

 

First of all, six years is long. So if I were to put myself in your situation (even with the break-up) I'd say that by a year post-reunion he'd better have alluded to the fact (himself, without my pressuring or suggestion) that he wants to marry me. Otherwise I'd simply tell him once very seriously that I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But because he doesn't seem to be on the same page as I am, we should cool things off and perhaps spend some time apart. Then I'd say something like "if you ever picture me in your forever and are willing to take the next step, you know how to reach me."

 

That's it. Then I wouldn't speak to or see him again. This would do one of two things; either it would light a fire under his butt and we'd be married before someone else scooped me up (if he truly was into me) or he'd never speak to me again. And if he never spoke to me again, it meant he wasn't that into me and he had ZERO plans of marriage.

 

If you can get your head around the fact that if you walk now and give him the chance to come get you under your terms and he DOES NOT, then he was never going to. And I don't agree with giving him any more time. Not one more day/week/month. He's had all the time he needs (and you obviously have had enough waiting) and if you give him more time BELIEVE ME you will just be in the same position at the end of said time limit. And then you'll look like you didn't mean what you said when you go ahead and give him even more time...

[gattsuga]

He probably feels really comfortable with you, and doesn't see the need to get married. If you're really adamant on getting married, tell him you're sick of waiting for him to propose! I can't believe he just brushed off your proposal like that... that makes me think he's scared to get married, or doens't want to.

 

He's 34 already.... that's not young anymore. you're still young, and if he doesn't want to marry you, there will be other people. I think deadlines are not the way to go... if the deadline passes, and he still doesn't propose, what then? Are you able to just leave him after 6 years together?

 

my advice for you is to start restricting his time with you. If you're sleeping together, tell him you decided that it isn't appropriate until after marriage. if he's staying at your place all the time, tell him he can't anymore until marriage. etc..

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree with most of your points Jay but he hasn't known long how strongly she really feels about getting married. It's only fair that he be given the sense that she's serious.

 

And to say tell him this or leave, come on. That's not realistic. I do agree that he's not proposing or moving toward the marriage route because he likes it the way it is currently. Why fix it if it ain't broke, right?

 

But I think it's only fair that she give him an arbitrary deadline before further action is taken.

[Jayar]

I agree with most of your points Jay but he hasn't known long how strongly she really feels about getting married. It's only fair that he be given the sense that she's serious.

 

And to say tell him this or leave, come on. That's not realistic. I do agree that he's not proposing or moving toward the marriage route because he likes it the way it is currently. Why fix it if it ain't broke, right?

 

But I think it's only fair that she give him an arbitrary deadline before further action is taken.

 

You may be right, but I'm just worried that if she gives him say another year, then a year from now she will have SEVEN years invested, he STILL won't have proposed, and she'll STILL be deciding whether now is the time to leave, you know?

 

I think by the sounds of it she's made it clear what she wants for long enough that leaving might be just what he needs to light the fire under his butt. Or else he doesn't have any plans to marry her and she's better off finding someone with the same ideals.

 

Another suggestion above I liked (though wouldn't do) was cutting back on his privileges to make a statement. This will either light a fire or drive him off (either way it would have happened eventually). But what I do not like about that is it opens the relationship up for ALL SORTS of fights, potential cheating (and subsequent attempt at justification) etc. By making a clean leave he gets to miss her, and then there's no room for anything like that to happen. That's all.

[Beec]

I would think he needs to know a deadline is coming and need to have that information for at least a couple months. Another year, I think is too long. Otherwise, I'm with Jayar, et al.

[Siriana]

Well if I were you and if I proposed him and he declined saying it has to be done right I would give him max 6 months after that day. After that I would be full of resentment. Also I would expect serious talk about his intentions after he declined getting married, several days after - to me it looks like he's telling you nothing about his intentions or plans - he's dragging the situation with some vague answers.

 

Some people say don't push him, force him etc. Well if you're together for 6 years I don't think it is unreasonable to want to get married. Also my defintion of not pushing him into mariagge is different so I think you need to tell him in a calm and patient way and with no anger in your voice exactly what you want. For example: I want us to be married till february and I would like to start a family after we are married (I don't know your time frames so you have to modify this in your mind). Are you willing to do the same, are you feeling the same way? If he's not feeling the same ask him what are his reasons for not wanting that.

So this is not forcing - this is just expressing your wishes - there is no threats. But if you don't like the answers - he doesn't promise you a wedding till than, he is still vague, the only thing you can do is silently leaving him - he will know why. or keep going on like you said nothing but that is going to ashure him he can lead you on forever.

[Beyondthesea]

Personally I would make a 'mental deadline' and then stick with it. If he hasn't proposed by ____________, then the relationship is done. There's no point in waiting 7 years when you've already been with him for 6!

 

Have you ever read "He's just not that into you." ? I know it sounds harsh, but it gives a lot of good, solid advice about this situation that would really help you.

[jimthzz]

What's the upside for him to marry?

 

Unless he wants children with you there is very little advantage for him except for pleasing you.

 

I don't write that to be flippant about it.

 

He won't want to marry until he sees an upside for him.

[ILovePasta]

Speaking from personal experience (somewhat)....

 

Leave him. He'll ask you, I garuntee it!

[Mavis VDSande]

This is just a story but one of my friends had been dating and living with this guy for 10 years. He NEVER had any intention to marry (like his younger brother - who's my bf = oh dear!).

 

After living with him for 6 years and ensuring that he knew how badly she wanted to marry (for religious reasons and children) he STILL didn't get the message. She packed up her stuff and left. Just like that!

 

She stayed with a friend for 2 WHOLE MONTHS NC.

 

After the 2 months she opened her front door to see him crying, on the floor asking her to marry him. He could NOT live without her!

 

Anyway I know it's pretty drastic it worked and he's definitely on his toes now! I think your guy will act on his fears if he thinks you're not there all the time for him. If you have something to lose, you suddenly fight to keep it.

 

I don't think an ultimatum to a good idea though in general, but perhaps being much more independent now and not letting him sleepover at yours so much!

 

Good Luck!

 

x

[ILovePasta]

Mavis VDSande post = ILovePasta post.

 

See, I told you it works

[annie24]

link removed

 

it's a forum with many women in your position. I've searched around on there. I think many women are dealing with relationships where "he's just not that into them" but hasn't had the guts to end the relationship. but, read through and see what you think. The author has some really good suggestions there, Andrea, I think her name is.

 

anyways, I agree with many suggestions here. I like what beec said about finding your own life and putting an "expiration date" but not letting him know. I think right now, he knows he has you, so there is no reason to make things go further. after all, if you are always there for him, cooking him dinners, what incentive does he have to make you his?

 

In the book "Men are from mars, women are from venus" John Gray has a good suggestion for a woman in your shoes. she should say something like, "I love you and love spending time with you. It is a dream of mine to get married and have kids some day. Now, I love you, but I'm feeling that more and more with time, that dream doesn't seem like it's going to happen with us. and that makes me sad."

 

(I don't remember the rest of what he wrote, but you get the jist.)

 

actually, another good book, "Mars and venus on a date." read it. he basically says that there are 5 main stages of dating: Attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. You are stuck at stage 4. what you do is go a step back. ie, still see him, but not as often. don't act like you are engaged if you are not. definitely start planning other events, do more things with your plans, withdraw a little, but not all the way. go back a stage in the dating process.

 

anyways, read the books.

 

good luck. I hope things work out for you.

 

PS - when you talk to him, I wouldn't set it up like, "Well... if you won't marry me, I'll find someone who will!!!" that makes it sound like you just want to get married, and it doesn't matter to which man at all. It's like a man who says, "well, if you don't want to sleep with me, I'll just find a girl who will!" Would him saying that make you want to sleep with him? no. ew.

 

so, when you talk to him, make sure that he knows that you really find HIM special and your relationship, and that you want to committ TO HIM and be married TO HIM, not just any old dude.

 

PPS - what are his reasons for not wanting to get married?

[n83]

There's no point issuing an ultimatum.. If he doesn't want to get married, but you do, it's a simple compatibility problem. The bottom line is, you need to set a deadline and stick to your guns. If you don't, you'll be living this way forever. Six years is a LOOOONG time and I'm assuming that the marriage talks started a while ago. In other words, he's had plenty of time to do "research" (bogus). So you have to decide if you can go on dating him like this; if you want something more, it's time to let him know once and finally for all.

[anydaynow]

I'm in a similar boat and I've decided to set a date for myself. If he doesn't propose by that date, I'm going to calmly tell him that I've waited long enough (it will be longer- a few years- than your wait so far) and I'm leaving the relationship.

 

Pick up a copy of "closing the deal." The subtitle is something like "how to go from single miss to wedded bliss" or something similar. Most of it will not apply to you, but read the chapter about "the bluff" and "cutting the line."

 

Another poster here shared an instance of a gal that left her guy, and he came crawling back with a ring. That was "the bluff," successful version. Except the bluff isn't really a bluff. You won't be bluffing, you'll really be leaving. Because if he does not come back with a ring, you CANNOT go back to him. So I don't know why they call it "the bluff" in the book.

 

I suggest you leave a little more space between yourselves in the meantime. Don't cut him off completely, or seem to sudden in your desire to be alone. Just be a little busier, ask him to not stay over a night or two each week. Have something else you need to be working on or thinking about... alone. I think you are right in thinking that the fact that you've already given him everything is slowing down the process. You can take some of it back, though, so get to it!

 

Good luck!

[Beec]

You are stuck at stage 4. what you do is go a step back. ie, still see him, but not as often. don't act like you are engaged if you are not. definitely start planning other events, do more things with your plans, withdraw a little, but not all the way. go back a stage in the dating process.

 

Bingo. Act like you are getting ready to live without him, and he is likely to hold on tight.

 

The more drastic step of moving out may engender the desired response, or it may engender a F-her attitude. Bigger risk there. Take the smaller risks first.

[karenin]

have you guys talked about marriage before? like does he believe it in? you may be his world and he may not need a ring or certificate to show it

[silentalways]

here is a little bit of advice to help people

 

lets say he has already told u he wants to marry u and will

 

that's a big commitment and sign of love right?

 

now lets say he asks you to help him putting away the dishes after supper and u say, i didn't that on the weekend you do it yerself -

 

not sure how that in any way translates to the man's security in his choice of partners

 

just a thought

[anydaynow]

here is a little bit of advice to help people

 

lets say he has already told u he wants to marry u and will

 

that's a big commitment and sign of love right?

 

now lets say he asks you to help him putting away the dishes after supper and u say, i didn't that on the weekend you do it yerself -

 

not sure how that in any way translates to the man's security in his choice of partners

 

just a thought

 

Uh, I really think this is apples and oranges here...

[freedom]

Speaking from personal experience (somewhat)....

 

Leave him. He'll ask you, I garuntee it!

 

OR he may leave YOU.

 

its a 50/50 how can you advice something like this and guarantee it??

[annie24]

OR he may leave YOU.

 

its a 50/50 how can you advice something like this and guarantee it??

 

I agree. you can't gaurantee anything.

 

I know I keep posting this on different threads, but read "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Gray. He has a good chapter on "When the clock is ticking and he isn't wearing a watch." He has some good techniques about how to approach your partner and talk to them about what you are wanting without sounding like a nag.

[Skippy]

to be honest, you cant force someone to ge married. but you can give yourself a timetable and be ready to move on. Don;t stick with someone that doesnt want marriage. It is important to you.