Help me - don't know what's going on!!!!

[nectarine]

I've been going out with my partner/boyfriend for two and a half years. We first got together when he and his wife were having difficulties but he went back to her, after she pleaded with him to. However I told him I would wait for him no matter how long it took. He and his wife continued a difficult time (she had moved out of the marital home but they still had a kind of relationship going on) My boyfriend tried to wait for her to sort herself out (it turns out she was going through some mental difficulties) but we got back together and 5 months later he asked his wife for a divorce, to which she agreed.

 

However, two weeks after this, she had a mental breakdown. He was very very torn but she had hurt him so much, he couldn't go back to her and he chose to stay with me. I had only ever been there for him, trying to help him through all his difficulties!

 

My problem is this. We get on well. He is 16 years older but very young in his ways. He can't commit to me and he has told me this on numerous occasions. I know that he sees his wife every Saturday afternoon when they take out their three grandchildren. It is purely on a friendly basis and one that they continue for the sake of the grandchildren. But he still hasn't divorced her. He told me that he doesn't want to send her back into the mental hospital. Also their daughter (mother of grandchildren) is dead against our relationship. He has told me he has very deep feelings for me but am I hoping for me in vain.

 

What is going on do you think? Should i break things off with him? Maybe he was rebounding with me and i won't ever get him to divorce his wife and commit to me, what do you think????

 

Nectarine.

[Beec]

I think that he has two very valid concerns going here. He cares for his wife, and he cares for you. He wants his wife healthy and sane, for her own sake and those of tohers he cares about, and that's good. He also seems to want you, because he just does. You're not a secret, you're not the indoor girlfriend, etc. But as of yet, he has not had to choose.

 

If you want him to choose, you are either going to have to motivate him to do so or force him to do so. Motivating him to do so would be ideal, but that may only come because he sees that you are considering other choices, besides him.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am so sorry things have been difficult.

 

I am not going to post to encouraging advice but here goes....

 

You need to end this relationship and never look back. It is a disaster. First and foremost...he is married. True, he has one foot out the door but he is still married. He took vows to be there for his wife, in sickness and in health. She needs him, he promised that and as long as he is still married to her, IMO he should hold to those promises.

 

I hate to say this but you have been his "therapist" so to speak, his emotional punching bag. You being there for him, offering love, support and understanding has given him the emotional replinishment he needs to be there for his wife and to support her through these difficult times. When a person tells you he/she does not want to committ and has no intention to, take his/her word for it and walk away.

 

I totally sympathsize with the daughter whom is against your relationship. I was in the same situation last year, to a tee and I would NEVER EVER accept my mom's new interest as a possible step father or anything for that matter, and she got well-aquainted with him while she was STILL married to my father. I cannot tell you how crushed (still am) by this so there is practically no chance his children will accept you.

 

This man is dealing with so much baggage it is not funny. This will take years to sort out and to get over. Are willing to wait that long? My advice is to end this once and for all, recover from this and be with a man whom is totally available and not carrying so much baggage. Take care.

 

(((hugs)))

[Juliana]

He's told you: You are going to take a backseat to everything else in my life that I decide is more important than you, whether it's my wife, my kids, my grandkids, whatever -- you are going to be the one who is going to be sacrificed.

 

He's not with you because he loves you, he's with you because you make everything else bearable. You're a convenience, sexually, and emotionally. If he loved you, he'd never have told you not to expect a commitment. He basically told you point blank that your future doesn't matter to him. Why you didn't slap him in the face, I'll never know.

[TheRedQueen]

This guy sounds like my father, and you sound like my mom (his long term mistress)

 

It didn't work out, it NEVER works out, save yourself and please leave now!!!!

[Day_Walker]

If he is constantly telling you that he wont commit to you then why do you believe otherwise? I believe that you should take him at his word and realize that if you want something more than what you have now, you wont be getting it from this guy.

[shikashika]

yes break it off!! he sounds messed up! he is still married! Why have a boyfriend who is married... leave now!

[L.J.]

It is hard for him to make decisions, more so because he has valid concerns (wife's health, daughter who's against your relationship and grand children). He's going to be torn for a long, long time. You have already waited two and a half years and you told him you would continue to wait no matter how long. Exactly how long would that be? Indefinitely? Are you prepared to accept if it doesn't happen in years to come or never at all?

 

I am so sorry to hear your situation and can totally relate to the agony you are going through. I was somewhat in that situation for the last ten months, only my ex is divorced but cannot contribute to the relationship in a healthy way I wish it to be (due to kid and emotional turmoil). I am willing to wait but unwilling to influence or pressure her for answers to the above questions. I need to figure that out myself too but I can't in an environment with mixed emotions. Very much like you, I would wait for her no matter how long, but from a distant .. in absense. Painful as it is, sometimes the answers we seek reveal themselves with clarity when we step back.

 

Please take care.

[doyathink]

I agree with the others here. It sounds as though he still loves his wife and doesn't want to leave her. His daughter is against this and she is his blood so I would assume he wants to please her as well. This sounds like very bad timing for him to want to start a new relationship. My thoughts is that you are just someone in his life to keep him from being lonely while he is going through the separation.

[nectarine]

Thank you guys. I know he tells me that his wife killed his love but maybe he is just kidding himself. He hasn't really supported her very much. Her family were there for her and he was feeling very guilty about her ending up in the mental hospital. However he doesn't believe she left him because of mental difficulties and so is worried to trust her again and get back into his marriage. Do you think if i weren't around, he would be open to addressing his marriage? and do you think because he can't trust women is why he isn't committing to me and not because he doesn't love me. In fairness he hasn't said this to me but he has said that he cares deeply for me.

 

I was an affair to start with and maybe i was wrong in the first place to tell him i was around for him when he first returned to his wife. Maybe i didn't give him the space to truly address is marriage. It helps to talk to you guys and sort it all out in my head. Any further comments, all greatfully received for me to mull over and consider. Thank you all. Nectarine.

[NJRon]

You can turn this around any way you want to. You can make excuses and come up with explanations. In the end, I have yet to ever know of a relationship where the man said he could not commit to work out.

 

Listen to what he is saying, not what you want to hear. If he says he can't commit to you, then he can't. It's very simple. If you stay in this relationship with hopes of something more then you are setting yourself up for serious heartache.

 

He can't commit to his wife, he can't commit to you either. He wants what he wants and seems to be doing quite well with getting it from both of you, and who knows who else.

[Batya33]

You took the risk by having an affair that you would be rebound person/emotional bandaid/he would go back to his wife. Your story is similar to many I have heard. Even if he leaves her and commits to you who's to say he won't cheat on you and who's to say that he will trust you not to cheat on him since you were willing to be involved with a married man and still are (he is still a married man).

[cypress]

My sister was in a very similar situation with a married man. He ended up divorcing his wife. The wife called my sister to have a talk. She told my sister that the "husband" had come and pleaded for her to take him back, that she had in the past with his past affairs...but she would not this time. She told my sister to take him.

 

Flash forward a few months. My sister had just moved in with him. She busted him trying to cheat on her when he went out with some woman he met on the internet. Turned into a nasty mess.

 

I think you are crazy to stay with a married man. Sorry, but it blows my mind when people get with cheaters and think that they are going to change. What happens when you are no longer satisfying his needs? Is he going to go find another young lady to help him get through his tough situation? Not to mention the fact that he gets to have sex with two women. And I wouldn't believe him if he says he isn't sleeping with her.

 

Sorry to be so blunt. Run. Move. Go find a man that will be with you and only you, NOW, not when his wife is in a better place. You deserve better.