My break-up story.. Am I wrong??

[Riggz41510]

what do you suggest in a situation, where one person doesn't bring anything financially to the marriage... as I suggested in my post?

 

I used the example of my mum who spend years raising me and my brothers and feeding us, takign care of me, my brothers and my dad..

 

If they were to haev signed a prenup....and gotten divorced... my mum would have walked away with NOTHING.

 

Finances aren't the only thing one contributes to a marriage... but when the divorce comes, thats how they divide it...

 

Must suck if you spend years doign a non-paid job taking care of your family and then you get left with nothing.

 

I firmly don't believe in prenups... for better or for worse... if you think "But something might happen to our marriage... it may not work out!'.....

 

then don't get married.

 

 

Now imagine after a divorce the court still making your mom do the things she did for him while they were married?? How would women feel if the court still made them still cook for their ex husbands, clean his house, plan family events, do the laundry etc.. All while he has a new GF..

[Riggz41510]

Alimony and child custody/support are two different subjects.. Men were giving preferential treatment because in that day in age, men were the primary bread winners.. All the love in the world can't feed and clothe a child!!!

[Riggz41510]

When people speak the tend to speak form the Majority to the minority.. And with that said *majority* of men are the bread winners.. Yes there is an exception to every rule but generally speaking this is the case..

[annie24]

When people speak the tend to speak form the Majority to the minority.. And with that said *majority* of men are the bread winners.. Yes there is an exception to every rule but generally speaking this is the case..

 

I know I keep saying this, but why not then start dating successful women yourself? someone who is an equal breadwinner?

[Riggz41510]

I know I keep saying this, but why not then start dating successful women yourself? someone who is an equal breadwinner?

 

I wish I could turn my feelings for women off and on like that.. If that was the case I wouldn't be in love with the woman I'm with now..

 

This isn't the ideal situation for me, but I'm in it and I have deep feelings for her.. Ideally I could be in a better situation, so to speak but it is what it is..

[dogheadma]

You should sit down and make a list of the potential losses and gains that you could incur from this marriage both emotional and financial and see which ones you believe will come out to your greater good.

[bighair]

Bighair posted and she's a lawyer, too.

 

Awww...thanks for my props, Scout!

[Scout]

Awww...thanks for my props, Scout!

 

Hey...you busted your tail through three years of law school to get there...you deserve the props!

[Anotherday]

Wow, my mom and dad have been married 58 years, and I don't think they EVER had this conversation. I went through divorce and put the friendship first, the heck with money. I really don't regret it, although there wasn't that much to gain. Still, I let him off easier than I had to. The guy is worth MILLIONS now and single. If I were the type of person you fear, I'd be with him today.

 

Considering I am worth a bit (financially) and the guy I am/was involved with is broke, I can understand your concern. Still, money doesn't buy love, doesn't mean love, and I guess I'd throw the die again. Considering how Catholic he is and his age, I wouldn't insist on a pre-nup.

 

Personally, we've become very strange as a society.

 

eta: I think you should perhaps move on and find someone who makes more money. She can find someone who accepts her and her children "as is." JMHO. The two of you may be better off for it. No sense in going into a commitment like marriage with these concerns. You're both young. No sense in wasting years.

 

And, btw, the laws were put into effect because men make more money than women and, when push comes to shove, it's usually the women who end up bearing the brunt of it all. Now, I disagree with the DV laws which go over the top in punishing men but, all in all, there are too many irresponsible men out there, hence the laws (not to mention the financial reality of it all).

[Anotherday]

You should sit down and make a list of the potential losses and gains that you could incur from this marriage both emotional and financial and see which ones you believe will come out to your greater good.

 

And this comment sounds like an Excel spreadsheet, no offense intended. I just wonder what happened to true love. Perhaps I am naive and an idealist, but I am older, so don't hold it against me.

 

Don't get me wrong. I have an MBA and own my home free and clear and have a bit of money in the bank. Still...

[ozomega]

HI,

 

I don't think you are wrong at all.

 

I think you have been very honest with this woman and honesty is one of the most important foundations in any relationship.

 

I was almost the opposite of you in my attitude. When my former girlfriend (now my wife) said she wanted to marry me and said similar things to your ex, about growing old together, having kids, someone to sleep with every night etc etc the fact is although we got married I got none of this! I did, however, end up suffering a lot financially. So I think you are correct saying there is no benefit for men in marriage. Marriage comes with no guarantees. Her marriage vows are totally unenforceable. The only thing that's enforceable is the alimony!

 

If she's so desperate to get married and your only concern is the financial ramifications of a possible divorce (which is not being negative on your part, it's reasonable to assume many marriages entered into in good faith will end in divorce) then I think she should respect that you are a responsible guy who is careful with his finances and values long term security. These are good things in a husband. Since the only time alimony would become an issue is if the marriage ended in divorce, and if she is wanting to get married with the view it will never end in divorce, then what is her problem with a per-nup? She is implying that a pre-nup offends her because it implies you don't trust her-but if she trusts you and the relationship then why would she object to a pre-nup because she's saying the marriage won't end anyway...

 

People have questioned your level of love and commitment to this woman, but let's see it from the other perspective-if she really was madly in love with you would she give up and end the relationship just because you're not ready to marry her and are concerned about the ramifications of divorce? If you can't reach a compromise even before getting married then how is the marriage going to last long term anyway? Becuase successful marriages rely on being able to work honestly through different points of view without getting bitter about what's important to the other partner. Compromises need to be worked out to ensure long term relationships are successful.

 

It sounds as if you are wiling to compromise. Marriage is important to her and you have reservations about it. But you are willing to compromise and consider marrying this woman if she will agree to a pre-nup. That's a compromise. She however is unwilling to compromise at all-she wants it all, the marriage and just to hedge her bets the guarantee of alimony if it ends in divorce. Who is the unreasonable one here? Not you.

 

Don't get burned man. If she doesn't respect your concerns enough to work through them without pretending to be offended and putting all the blame back on you then let her go. I know it's hard but you need to stay firm about what's important to you. Otherwise how could you possibly feel good in a marriage that you felt you had been forced into, and living for years in the fear of divorce and being taken to the cleaners?

 

I wish I'd had your strength and fortitude and foresight.

Would have saved me a lot of grief.

 

Take care man, sounds like you have a lot going for you and many women would want a long term relationship with you-marriage contract or no marriage contract!

[dogheadma]

And this comment sounds like an Excel spreadsheet, no offense intended. I just wonder what happened to true love. Perhaps I am naive and an idealist, but I am older, so don't hold it against me.

 

Don't get me wrong. I have an MBA and own my home free and clear and have a bit of money in the bank. Still...

 

True love is a subjective term. Sometimes when life hands you a problem that you are having a hard time with, a helpful way to arrive at a conclusion is to sit down and write out the pros and cons in order to sort out your thoughts and figure out better where you stand. You should be old enough to realize this.

[Anotherday]

True love is a subjective term. Sometimes when life hands you a problem that you are having a hard time with, a helpful way to arrive at a conclusion is to sit down and write out the pros and cons in order to sort out your thoughts and figure out better where you stand. You should be old enough to realize this.

 

I'm old enough to realize this. I'm also old enough to realize when we were not such a superficial society and the word "vow" meant something. To each his own. One shouldn't take a vow with finances in mind.

 

One sits down and writes the pros and cons of relocating, accepting another position, buying a new house. Love is not in this category and, if it is, we are in sadder shape as a society than I realized. BTW, I am not THAT much older than you. Betcha you hail from a different part of the country than I do. One with traditional values.

[dogheadma]

 

One sits down and writes the pros and cons of relocating, accepting another position, buying a new house. Love is not in this category and, if it is, we are in sadder shape as a society than I realized

 

Yes, but the OP of this thread has reached a point where he is reassesing what his relationship means to him. Haven't you been there? I think most have.

[Anotherday]

Marriage comes with no guarantees. Her marriage vows are totally unenforceable. The only thing that's enforceable is the alimony!

 

If she's so desperate to get married and your only concern is the financial ramifications of a possible divorce (which is not being negative on your part, it's reasonable to assume many marriages entered into in good faith will end in divorce)

 

Gee, I know. Let's make divorce unenforcable and then maybe only people who SHOULD be married get married. It's too easy to get divorced.

 

I've often thought I don't understand why men get married. What you point out is true, unless someone really LOVES someone. So, maybe things should start there. If you're not willing to risk things, don't get married. That way, it's on the person it should be -- the individual. And if you're with someone who wants to be married and you don't, walk away.

[Anotherday]

Yes, but the OP of this thread has reached a point where he is reassesing what his relationship means to him. Haven't you been there? I think most have.

 

Of course I have. I'm divorced. But I don't have much patience in finance-related matters, considering I've realized that one can have tons of money in the bank, and still be miserable. In fact, I was happier in my poor days.

[Riggz41510]

Thank you for the response!!

[DN]

Many of the responses on this thread go to explain why many men are reluctant to get married - the so called 'fear of commitment'.

 

It is not fear of marriage or fear of commitment - but of what happens when the commitment falters and the marriage dissolves.

 

They are scared of divorce.

[skyjuice]

Many of the responses on this thread go to explain why many men are reluctant to get married - the so called 'fear of commitment'.

 

It is not fear of marriage or fear of commitment - but of what happens when the commitment falters and the marriage dissolves.

 

They are scared of divorce.

 

Hi

 

Or scared of financial distress after divorce

[SarahRose]

Many of the responses on this thread go to explain why many men are reluctant to get married - the so called 'fear of commitment'.

 

It is not fear of marriage or fear of commitment - but of what happens when the commitment falters and the marriage dissolves.

 

They are scared of divorce.

 

DN, I always read and respect your posts so maybe you could shed some light on this.

 

Why would a man be reluctant to marry if she makes more money than he does and has a well established career. They aren't able to have children and don't want any.

[artist777]

Well, looks like you have exactly what meant the most to you. You have peace of mind about your wallet...

 

you should be happy.. why write?

[Riggz41510]

How about making marriage a 3 year contract with 1 year options.

After 3 years, both parties agree to renew, or decide to split with no nasty divorce?

 

What about any kids though? 50/50 custody? Might work if the parents live near each other. What about the house? Sell it and split the equity?

[annie24]

How about making marriage a 3 year contract with 1 year options.

After 3 years, both parties agree to renew, or decide to split with no nasty divorce?

 

What about any kids though? 50/50 custody? Might work if the parents live near each other. What about the house? Sell it and split the equity?

 

I'd say... interesting in theory, but I don't know if it would work. Actually, there are several time points when marriages break up, I don't know that it's at 3 years, but I notice many divorces after 7 years (the 7 year itch!) and after 20 years (once the youngest child has gone off to college).

 

50/50 custody... that would be difficult, because with the child's school schedule, it would be really difficult to keep shifting every day or week, and having some books at one house and another set of books at the other house. that plus school. it can be very difficult, if the parents don't live in the same area anymore to shuttle the kids back and forth, away from their friends and school and clubs.

[Sally57chevy]

Pretend for a moment, the shoe were on the other foot...would YOU understand? This is not to say you are wrong. Today, there is no need to be married, except for the need to be with one individual for the rest of your life. IF you do not WANT to be with this person, all bets are off! Enough said. BUT, IF you do, you have to be willing to give up 'securities' and also be willing to WANT to take care of someone else. YOU have to be OK with 'giving up money' knowing it's easy to come by....but are you ok with giving her up? Is 'she easy to come by' like the money you've accumulated????

[Sally57chevy]

You have financial security...what does she have to risk? Personal ownership.