I'm in Love With a Stoner...

[jenna1012]

I guess this one's pretty simple...my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 4 months now and when we first started going out, I knew he smoked weed and did shrooms and a lot of hardcore stuff that I would never do. But he was an amazing guy, and I never really tried to get him to quit because I figure as long as he wasn't high around me or got me involved with that stuff, our relationship would be perfectly normal..

 

But now, I'm wrong...I hate that when we made plans for a special Halloween evening type thing together, he goes, "I'm gonna eat special brownies and smoke some bud before I pick you up" and I'm like, "baby, can't that wait until later? I wanna spend time with youuu" and he's like, "alrightttt" like it's a burden, and it's just that the problem is getting worse...he's smoking weed like everyday and it intereferes with our relationship now...

 

what do i do?

[Momene]

Issue an ultimatum: he can do weed, etc but not when he's with you or about to see you.

 

He's not irreplaceable!

[lolobolo]

make plans with somebody else, unless you are happy always being a spectator at his party...

[Brawnee]

Be grateful he's not hittin' the booze before goin' out. Then you'd have a problem. My advice: don't sweat it. If it gets irritating to be around him when he's high, then either don't be hangin with him, or just get high with him. Just don't nag at him about it. If you would rather that he stopped, do so in a sly manner over time.

[Batya33]

Run and do not look back. He is addicted to drugs and thereforeeee cannot be in a healthy relationship with anyone other than his drugs - and definitely not with you. If you get pregnant, your child could have birth defects. You could be arrested if you are with him when he is high and/or if he commits a crime when he is high. You can do better than this loser.

[Momene]

I've never taken stuff myself and won't until I'm old and housebound. If he's a "recreational user", it's a yellow/orange flag and I suggest that you just don't tolerate it if he's with you and just leave him to get on with it when alone or with friends.

 

If he's an addict, I guess the other posters are right.

[annie24]

Run and do not look back. He is addicted to drugs and thereforeeee cannot be in a healthy relationship with anyone other than his drugs - and definitely not with you. If you get pregnant, your child could have birth defects. You could be arrested if you are with him when he is high and/or if he commits a crime when he is high. You can do better than this loser.

 

i have to agree. it's not responsible for him to be always stoned. once in a while, maybe that is ok, but regularly? forget it.

 

find a different man. one that likes to be around you sober.

[Helen67]

You can't change him, at the moment he's experimenting, I take it you are both pretty young? If you try and stop him, or restrict his lifestyle, he will only end up resenting you, and will probably find himself a g/f who takes drugs with him.

 

You have to decide if you can tolerate it...By the way, I hate drugs, and although my b/f used to grow and smoke weed, he doesn't really bother with it anymore, nevertheless, I have made it quite clear, that I will not tolerate drugs in our home!

 

We all know it's part of society, but do you have to be one of the numbers just so you can fit in? No you don't, so decide yourself, whether your relationship is worth the hassle or not.

 

Agree with Annie, find a man who doesn't have to be around you out of his skull!

 

Helen.

[ImThatGirl]

Look in the mirror and tell yourself "I deserve more than this!" And believe it Girl!

 

When I was your age, it seemed like everyone in town partied. Like it was acceptable. I ended up engaged and having a son at 21 by a guy that had been addicted to drugs and alcohol since his teenage years. After my son was born, I realized, that is not an acceptable way of life and my son and I deserved much more!

 

My son and I moved on, without his father. Surprise, Surprise - SIX Years later, he is still partying. Yes, he functions, has a job, a girlfriend with three kids that he provides for. He doesn't "party" during the day so he see's my son for a bit each Sunday. But my son doesn't have a father for the most part.

 

Even if you can get him to change his habits briefly, it will be a lifelong rollercoaster for him to stay away from that stuff. You deserve more than that. Stand up for yourself and move on!

[Momene]

I think it all depends on your own take. My wife would ditch me if I did drugs and I'd probably do the same. I think when you have kids, spending on alcohol, tobacco and drugs HAS to go down in order to pay the bills, even if either/both of you are on a high income. For example, I gave up fishing when my daughter was born.

 

If we were not living with financial constraints, I could tolerate a certain amount of recreational use.

 

By the way, we've told our daughter that if she does drugs or tobacco, she's NOT doing it on our money.

[itsallgrand]

How in the world have you tolerated him this long without being high yourself?

Never got that.

 

Kick him to the curb. That's the rude way of saying it. Drugs and normalcy do not mix.

 

(good job batya!)

[Tigris]

Give him the 'elbow' and find yourself someone who's not irresponsible.

 

Eventually the drugs are going to affect his brain and his behaviour will change towards you. I've seen people like this.

 

Take care.

[kellbell]

Hey there Jenna,

 

It all depends on your boundries and what you will not tolerate in a relationship. I am sure you have a mental list of what you want in a potential partner, like goals, aspirations, smoker, non-smoker, hobbies, height and so forth. Now if using drugs, even pot, is NOT on your list or it crosses your boundries, then it would make sense to stop seeing him. Do not settle!

 

I dated a guy whom smoked pot on a fairly regular basis and it was awlful for me because I do not smoke. Afterwards he would just zone out and not talk. How fun is that? Not at all. It is difficult to date someone whom uses drugs and when the other does not. So, you have to think about the long term and where this is going. Based on my personal experience, I would say leave this guy. But it is up to you.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Momene]

One mistake I made until recently was branding people as "druggies" and "non-druggies". This is a gross simplification. I sincerely believe that some (most?) people are capable of occasional recreational use without getting addicted. I don't do drugs myself because:

 

1. I have an addictive personality and would find it hard not to get hooked

 

2. We're short of money and I would feel guilty about spending money on drugs, especially while I'm still financially responsible for our daughter

 

3. My wife is anti-drugs

 

4. I'm not sure about the long-term effects of it. I'm not particularly healthy but I'm still capable of walking and hope to still be driving a car for the next 25 years

 

This is a personal choice and I respect those of others. The MOST important thing regarding relationships is that you must both be on the same level or be able to tolerate each other's stance on it. I can't see a non-user being able to deal with an addict or vice-versa, though.

[annie24]

well - I am a non-user, and I could tolerate moderate use... like maybe once every few weeks or months at a party or so. However, a guy I dated last year did it quite often. like every other night, got stoned. those people are self-medicating.

 

i like the way the book "He's just not that into you" says it.... if he only wants to be around you when he's high, that's tantamount to him saying that he likes you better in the other room. you deserve someone who wants to be with you in full reality.

[Day_Walker]

You have to ask yourself if him doing drugs more frequently is a deal breaker for you. If the drugs are a deal breaker then you need to know that this isnt the kind of guy you need to keep around, I have a feeling it is a deal breaker for you. Instead of trying to change him or giving him an ultimatum, you should just end it with him because the drug use is a problem.

[itsallgrand]

I would advise 'do what you will if you can tolerate it' except this guy is young and into hardcore drugs.

 

He's not just a stoner. He's going down a dangerous road.

 

Rec. pot use is different, I think. Kinda like dating a ciggie smoker.

[Sadinindy26]

Honey - i know this is NOT what you want to hear...but you really DO need to leave. my ex is a drug addict. when I met him - he had been "sober" for about 5 months and everything was going great - I am the type of person that overlooks one's past. and he still smoked weed (which was fine with me. whatever - pot use isn't a problem with me and it wasn't coke or meth like it USED to be...) - well - when things got patchy and rough between the two of us - he decided in able to "cool down" that's what he needed - and he did like 20 lines one night -

 

and basically he decided he really DIDN'T want to be in a relationship like he thought he did - and he also realized he wasn't ready to grow up and he broke up with me and i didn't get over him for MONTHS - it hurt sooooooooo bad - because he chose his coke habit over me. and I haven't heard hyde nor hair from him since the break up. and yes - i loved him - more than any other guy i'd ever been with - but ya know what? I realized he's not worth it - absolutely no matter what. shoot - i met someone else a few months ago and we started dating and one day he told me he did cocaine that day - right then and there I left - and didn't look back. drugs really aren't something you can say "Ok - it's no big deal - really..." but yeah - they are. you will get SO hurt. leave while you still have dignity. you need to do this for YOU.