lolobolo

make plans with somebody else, unless you are happy always being a spectator at his party...

hi, yes - move on, although a will tell you an interesting tale... I was with someone from the age of 22 until about 26 on and off, we always wanted it to work , but somehoe we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere! after a few years of dating hell on both sides and moving 3000 miles apart we both decided to try a make a proper go of it! strange huh! My point is when we decided to give it a break all that time ago, we said to each other. If we still want to be together when we are thirty we will get married (tongue in cheek at the time!) Time is the best teacher... I was nowhere near ready, him either, at the atage where me met to commit properly. Keep him as a friend, but make sure it is jut friendship, and it is on your terms. You don't need him to be happy and fullfilled, send it out!!!! But for now. Ignore his nonsense sincere or not, and don't whatever you do be dangled on a string by this man. If he wants to talk the talk- make him walk the walk- or walk away lovexxxx

thanks for the input... To further my post. I was with someone lovely for maybe three years, and all was lovely. things turned that he had to move away to the other side of the world for work. In the leadup to this time things had dwindled off as we were both busy doing other stuff, and never really took what was between us as seriously. Then i was with someone when he was gone. This went on for four years, and although the realtionhip was abuive on many levels, the pasion was huge and all the other stuff that goes along with that!! I grew so much in this relationhip- even though it didnt service my emotional needs(only just getting back to seeing it is ok to have those!) So all through this my man away is still in touch, we are best friends, and ssomehow, noone has ever quite emasured up to him as a person . So he's back recently- very soon after i finally nailed the coffin of the hitty relationship i had put myelf in. We spebt a lot of time together, which was lovely....but i am holding back completely with physical stuff. I think i am unable to do it again after my bad realtionship, what if things are not a powerful in a loving realtionship???? I am seriously thinking this is something i may have to deal with forever..... I am gong to stay with him for a month, and hope to god i can come back from wherever i am sexually!!!!! any thoughts- much appreciated!!

looking for some honesty about a particular subject. When you are in the whole, heart stopping big time love that you absaloutlet believe is the right one for you, does the lust have to diappear. Is it possible to create the same dizzy attraction for the one you love as the one you think you might love, are seeing where it goes etc? ~Just wonderingxx

I will agree that although certainly in the ~UK this would not under any umbrella be classed as rape, that this man clearly is manipulative and exploitative in his role as teacher to pubescent girls. It is very difficult when your children are about to hit a similar age to the period where you have your unresolved isues- it is clear that you are very concearned that they will be taken advantage of in this way - or worse. As an adult it is terrifying when you reflect on these time in your life, and the hardest thing to accept, is that at the time, you allowed yourself to be in that situation. There will always be these predatory nasties in our midst, and it may be helpful to get therapy regarding your own personal issues about this time. This will also allow you to be secure withyour children and know that what happened was not on any part your fault or directed by you, but an unfortunate run in with an arsehole!!!!! Having had a similar experience, my daughter hit her teens this year, and true to form i turned to jelly and took therapy. Love and best wishesxxxxx

so mr abroad has returned home. ~Thankfully we could talk, not in too much detail about what has been going on for us both. I realised we have never stopped or properly started loving each other. I was stubborn and would not move, and wanted to prove i could hold my own (not telling him that though!) I feel wonderful in his company and after two weeks we lay in bed and cuddled for the whole night, and it felt great. I guess it is weird as i have been deliberatley rejecting all that is good for the past four years and had let a horrid thing go on. I can now see that my nasty boyfriend will go on to be nasty to someone else, and probably feed them the same lines he fed me about why is sstill unmarried at 42 and how insane all his previous partners were. It is worrying me that the two of them have been going round at the ame time, but in all honesty i was holding mr abroad on the back burner the whole time. He has invited me and the kids out for christmas to see what we think of his place, and if all goe well he is talking of coming back in jan/feb next year. I am going to go, I don't think there is anyone else in the world that could get me on a long-haul flight! The thing that is really hitting me in all this iss the honesty , peace and understanding he is showing out, almost as if this is all inevitable and i just have to make the leap. I am going to ask my boss for the time off today, if it is not all i think it is, at least christmas in the sun will be good for us all! thank you all for your continued supportxxxx

there is somebody who has come back from abroad this week, a friend of ten years. we were together for four before he moved abroad for business, when i met the other man. abroaad friend has been around this week , came to a family gathering etc, the only thing sadly that stops me is the thought of having sex that is not the be all and end all of everything. the love i feel in my throat when i think about loving him is almost chocking me. i have told him about my need for this weird stuff that has been happening, he is pretty smart, and we agreed this has never touched anything we haave for each other, i just need to know i am not looking for only a safe haven.....

i think he is already here, but i am scared beyond all belief (the wonderful one i mean)

after NC since the event, i received an email. He wants to sever all ties, and never wants to put himself in that position again. I am so relieved. My head is mashed, and I think I have some major work ahead. We were cruel, looking back I can see most of what we had was a fantasy in my head. We connected like you wouldnt believe in so many ways, it will be a tough call moving on from this in a healthy way. My friend who i spoke to today (who let me know she had always known exactly what was going on) and has watched me fry myself quietly for years, reckons I should take up an adrenaline sport. I feel like an idiot for who i've been to my friends, chilren and most cruicially myself. I cant honestly say i dont love this man, but now i will move on up as there is nowhere else left to go. He obviously feels the disgust that I do, and only a small part of me wants to make him recoignise the blame now. I hope he chooses to heal himself, but who knows, maybe looking for a partner isnt even the right thing for us all. I'm not sure I ever want to share my intimacies again. It was all so beautiful in there for a while, unique and sublime. I have to face that knowing i may never again feel the way i felt. Can love with a healthy man be possible and feel right to me? I am not prepared to play the victim, i put myself there, and paid the trade off, now i need to dicover a new way- how freaking scary is this????? I thank you all for your words of wisdom, and realise I am one of the lucky ones. God blessxxxx

i'm not sure htting back in my situ would have achieved anything. i no pushover, but i am so disgusted at the time that encouraging a full on fight is the last thing on my mind

Grace, god bless you, life is not always fair, people don't always react in the ways you want or need them to. The pain can and will only get better from here on in. This violation came from another person, not from you, so keep that clear. Sometimes it feels there is no black and white only shades of grey. Don't let this destroy you, talk to who you can when you can. don't let yourelf for a moment imagine this is the only world you have to live in. love laurax

theree is a definate thinking though if we are speak up for ourselves- maybe too much- that we need to take what that brings- well i felt that the other night- although it goes against the grain of everybring i believe in. i almost felt that people were sorry for him having to lose hi temper like that? this is the niggle that keeps me quetioning- i dont have any family to talk about this to so i appreciate the wisdom of those who have dealt with this devil and can tell me it like it is thanks againx

thank you, these thoughts are helping to clear my head upx

i get what you are saying, thankfully we dont live together and i have never hit him with a frying pan. I have given a good as i have got though, unfortunatley the viking in me seems to go ok with that. I dont feel like the victim here, i feel like the one who says its ok. I'm not sure why, i do know all this nonsense is stopping me reaching where i want to be with someone. I am so humiliated about the weekend, nobody acted like it was happening, i do feel as if people regard me as the problem. This is what is worrying me the most. If it is me then has all the growth on my part been fake? As i said, i have a pretty smart mouth sometimes, and wonder if i do push him to violence. he did it openly, infront of people we have known for years, and has done before when challenged over anything- this time it happened to be money. and a relevant part of the converation. How is it this guy can have everybody loving his face, and excusing his obvious issues (oops that includes me) I have woken up today and come on here to read the advice, it really helps having somebody to bounce all this off, holding it together- but feel like my reality is splitting up the middle, worried that i may have to accept that i m the one with the problems

As lame as it sounds, its all the good stuff i am scared of losing, the thought of us has kept me together through many a fire, and i am frightened to try it alone, i'm sure people think it is me who is the cause of it all, and i am unsure of how to move on from here