The Date Canceller is history!

[bighair]

Hi there friends -

 

Yes, you have all patiently listened to me go off about Joe, the man who cancelled 2 dates, we finally get together , he made me dinner, we talked for hours, and we had, ummmm, relations. I usually don't do things like that but I had been talking to him for months and I found that I really liked him. Afterwards, he told me on IM that he didn't think we had a future together...He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to see me again because of this.

 

During our many conversations, he told me I made him laugh. He said he felt really comfortable around me...as though I was an old friend that he knew for a long time. So, we have our date and have a great time, and he hits me with this future stuff.

 

But, we still continued to IM, and email. He was very affectionate and nice. We had made plans to see other again. This morning, he wrote me an email saying that he thought I was special but "that I was not the one for him...he said that if we got together again, it wouldn't be for the right reasons. He said he wished me well" He acknowledged how misleading his IMs had been.

 

You know...this really upset me. This really, really upset me. Everything aboout these last 4 months with him just came rushing. I was so angry at him. I was angry that he said this in an email. So, I ended up calling him.

 

I told him that I thought he had treated me poorly since the very beginning. The date cancelling, the "future" talk, . He said that at his age he had to worry about the future. I said of course, but he and I were nowhere near the future, and that we should be focusing on knowing each other better.

 

We talked about the night that we spent together and he made it clear that he didn't expect us to do what we did. I told him that I don't sleep with men I don't know. He said he knew that.

 

I let him know that he had been very misleading. I reminded him of all the emails, the IMs, the phone calls...everything. I let him know that he hadn't been respectful of me, that he was self-absorbed. He decided there was no future after one date, he decided that the rel. wouldn't work b/c of the distance...everything was based on what he thought. I asked him if he even was interested in what I thought, my feelings on the future.

 

I let him know that I wasn't calling him to get him to change his mind. I wanted to tell him to his face that knowing him has been a roller coaster ride. THe mixed signals, the date cancelling, telling me things like I reminded him of his mother, stressing about the distance, not giving me a chance, all of it...I told him.

 

I told him I kept everything w. him in perspective; that I had been dating other men because he had a history of unreliability. YOu know...I cried during this bloody phone call. I really did like him and I just wanted to see him again...I don't understand this at all. He acted like he liked me.

 

 

So, it's finally over. This went on with him for 4 months. Ok, I know you'll say it's his loss, and he's not worth it, and this and that. But, I truly believed we had a connection. I really did like him.

[southerngirl]

Im sorry your going through this! image removed

 

Let it teach you a lesson hon. You had bad vibes about him from the start. Look on the bright side, you can learn from it, move on.

 

Your now open and free for someone that wont waste your time. That guy sounds like he isnt worthy of you.

[Meow18]

I'm sorry this ended the way it did. But at least now you see that he really wasn't the best guy for you.

 

It's so hard when one person feels like there's a connection, but then the other person is obviously just backing away from it all. And it's frustrating that it had to go on for as long as it did.

 

I know you didn't want to hear it, but you are better off without a guy like that. At least now you will know that it's not worth it when a guy starts giving you mixed messages like this one did.

[blondebombshelter]

You know, I really think you should try to read a few books on dating ... I am not trying to attack you and I realise how hard this whole Joe thing must be. IT's just that some of your actions are so classicly 'what not to do'.

 

Have you read 'he's just not that into you ' and 'Mars and Venus on a date'? Not that I think a book contains all the answers, but it just sounds to me like you need a better understanding of how to play the game. (It is a game, unfortunately.) Are you reading the 'why is dating like a game' thread? There's some very insightful comments in there.

 

I truly don't mean to upset you. In your posts you come accross as so warm, positive, funny, kind, family oriented... a real find for any single guy. Maybe there are some simple mistakes you're making that are blocking the attraction process.

 

Anyway, it's just one flakey guy! There's plenty more...

[bighair]

HI Blonde =

 

Thank you for your post. YOu know I"m not a big fan of the dating books because it doesn't explain everyone's behavior. And, quite honestly, there are things I could do better, but I just don't want to assume all the blame with Joe.

 

I know one can say he's just not that into me...ok fine. but, he acted like he was, and he said that he was.

 

I appreciate what you're saying, but I didn't make any mistakes here. I liked this guy, and I let him know. He was misleading and dishonest. Right now, I think Joe sucks and the all the blame belongs with him.

[blondebombshelter]

I didn't make any mistakes here. I liked this guy, and I let him know.

 

Mistake number 1.

[bighair]

I didn't make any mistakes here. I liked this guy, and I let him know.

 

Mistake number 1.

I liked Joe and I wanted to get to know him better. That's it.

[DN]

I don't agree that letting a guy know you like him is a mistake.

 

It is important to realise that most relationships fail - earlier of later. If they did not people would marry the first or second person they met. It is really a process of elimination at its most basic - until you find the right person that is both attractive and attracted.

[Lady Bugg]

I can COMPLETELY relate to you BH........I dealt with a VERY similar guy for MUCH longer. Be glad you kicked him to the curb NOW rather than later. These guys can and WILL suck the life out of you. They are wishy washy....at BEST. I have NO doubt this guy strung you along and led you to believe he liked you. I think you handled him PERFECTLY....kudos to you for having respect and dignity for yourself. You made me proud..and you should be proud for standing up for yourself. I bet Joe will remember you for a VERYYYYY long time!!

[Weeblie]

I didn't make any mistakes here. I liked this guy, and I let him know.

 

Mistake number 1.

 

I don't see how that's a mistake. If anything she should've told him to get lost when he started cancelling dates on her. But even then that's a hard thing to do when you like someone. I probably would've done the same thing and I have. It's hard because you want to give people a chance because sometimes...weird stuff happens.

 

This guy was a total douchebag and led her on. I don't even understand why guys that scared of relationships even bother pursuing women.

If he was that confused he shouldn't have been on one of those online sites in the first place.

 

I'm sorry bighair about what happened. But I really admire you for telling him what you felt. I wish I had done the same thing.

[annie24]

hey bighair. I'm sorry this one didn't work out for you. It sucks and is baffling when you feel an intense connection for someone.... and then you find out they don't return those same strong feelings. I guess on the bright side, at least he told you now, rather than a week before your wedding.

 

it may not seem like it now, but this is probably a blessing. I've been in similar situations as you, and i was devestated at first, but upon further examination, I found the guys had some qualities that made them not so good husband/father material. I reckon you may find the same thing upon further inspection.

 

as DN likes to say.... onward and upward!

[bighair]

I can COMPLETELY relate to you BH........I dealt with a VERY similar guy for MUCH longer. Be glad you kicked him to the curb NOW rather than later. These guys can and WILL suck the life out of you. They are wishy washy....at BEST. I have NO doubt this guy strung you along and led you to believe he liked you. I think you handled him PERFECTLY....kudos to you for having respect and dignity for yourself. You made me proud..and you should be proud for standing up for yourself. I bet Joe will remember you for a VERYYYYY long time!!

 

bugg - thanks for saying that. it hurt when he said he didn't think i was the one for him. it did. i know we say we have to develop a thick skin when it comes to dating. but, it still sucks to hear that.

 

he just sent so many mixed signals....just yesterday, he told me he wanted to see me...i don't get it. he plays games.

[bighair]

hey bighair. I'm sorry this one didn't work out for you. It sucks and is baffling when you feel an intense connection for someone.... and then you find out they don't return those same strong feelings. I guess on the bright side, at least he told you now, rather than a week before your wedding.

 

it may not seem like it now, but this is probably a blessing. I've been in similar situations as you, and i was devestated at first, but upon further examination, I found the guys had some qualities that made them not so good husband/father material. I reckon you may find the same thing upon further inspection.

 

as DN likes to say.... onward and upward!

 

thanks annie.

 

yeah...i had some reservations about joe. i'm disappointed. i played it out and it didn't work out with him. i can't help but feel like it will never work out with anyone. sometimes, these things aren't in the stars. you know..it just may be that i'm not meant to marry, etc..i really feel that way...that i'm just not meant to have these things.

[blondebombshelter]

that i'm just not meant to have these things.

 

NO!!!! That is bull s***. If you let that sort of thinking happen, you WILL give out a bad vibe.

 

Look, people either post here simply to vent and get some support and sympathy... and maybe also to get another person's perspective on a situation.

 

Sympathy is all very well... and it will make you feel better if everyone says 'oh, that joe, what a loser.' (While I'm on the subject though, he DID sound wishy washy and you're probably lucky he's out of your head, leaving you free for someone else.)

 

But BH, there's a slight chance you ARE making a few mistakes. Often the most honest, upfront, nicest people do because dating IS a game. Some honest opinions and even criticism might stop it happening again and again. I would feel like I wasn't being a good 'forum pal' if I didn't tell you honestly what I thought. Do you want just to vent and have people sympathise, or do you want 'advice' ? (cos there's other things I could say, but won't if it's unwanted. NOthing worse than unsolicited advice.)

 

Will clarify this one, though... my comment about it being a mistake to show someone you like them ... I meant in the very early stages of interaction, which I believe was all this was at (a few phone conversations and a little IM, dragged out over 4 months, with only one face to face meeting).

 

IMO ... by all means, be encouraging, let the guy know subtly that you like him so far, that he's got a chance to prove himself to you. That may be what you meant when you said you let him know you liked him. Otherwise, this was too early to be all open and honest and upfront about how much you liked him.

 

As for him playing games, you said he told you yesterday he wanted to see you, did he initiate that, or was it sort of you initiating it?

[bighair]

yes, i agree, i can learn from this and do things differently w. the next guy. he first brought up the issue of getting together last week, and we had some scheduling issues...yesterday, he initiated.

 

all i said to joe was that i enjoyed his company and would like to get to know him better. he was the one that panicked and said he thought we didn't have a future together. i responded by saying the above and that i wasn' t ready to talk about the future.

 

i agree that it is important for men to initiate...esp. ambivalent men. i know you're trying to help, blonde...i'm not in a good space tonight that's all.

[blondebombshelter]

Just don't spiral downwards!

 

The day will come when things all fall into place... you'll meet the right guy and you'll look back on all this and laugh.

[annie24]

all i said to joe was that i enjoyed his company and would like to get to know him better. he was the one that panicked and said he thought we didn't have a future together. i responded by saying the above and that i wasn' t ready to talk about the future.

 

 

lol. I remember asking a guy out to coffee and he said he "wasn't ready for a committment." I was thinking (but didn't say...) "you don't have to committ to any one kind of coffee. you can have soda, or tea. really, it's not a big deal!"

 

*sigh* oh well.... I think with time, you will feel better. I gaurantee you will feel better 48 hours from now.

 

I guess... in the future, heed the red flags and try to not fall for someone until you've known them in real life for a while. (I know, I know... easier said than done.)

[bighair]

I don't see how that's a mistake. If anything she should've told him to get lost when he started cancelling dates on her. But even then that's a hard thing to do when you like someone. I probably would've done the same thing and I have. It's hard because you want to give people a chance because sometimes...weird stuff happens.

 

This guy was a total douchebag and led her on. I don't even understand why guys that scared of relationships even bother pursuing women.

If he was that confused he shouldn't have been on one of those online sites in the first place.

 

I'm sorry bighair about what happened. But I really admire you for telling him what you felt. I wish I had done the same thing.

 

Hi Weeblie - thanks for saying that. I know I could have let that email go, but I just had to get so much off my chest. I know I bear some responsibility here. I wanted to go out with Joe even after he cancelled on me. I wanted to ride it out. I just wish he could have relaxed a little bit and let things happen btw. us. Yes, some say he wasn't that into me...but he didn't give me, us a chance.

 

Ahhhh...life goes on.

[Celestial Fire]

Bighair...what can I say? That I know how you feel is the understatement of the century. I've had this sort of "ambivalent" BS slogged at me for the last 4 or 5 years of fruitless "dating." I'm sorry that you're experiencing the same weird, inexplicable phenomena -- something like the Bermuda Triangle, in which men who profess their undying interest in you are suddenly sucked into a vortex of infinite space, never being heard from again (after, however, having emotionally vampirized you) -- but I'm relieved that it's not just me.

 

And I'm sorry that you've gotten the old saw about "he just wasn't into you." What?! If you go out on a date with a man, and he's pleasant enough, but shows no great interest, doesn't kiss you good night and doesn't ask you out again (and doesn't return calls which you make to him) -- he just wasn't into you. If a woman kicks and moans about clear signs of disinterest, and misinterprets them, then she deserves the phrase "he just wasn't into you." I know when men aren't interested in me, and have no problem with a man not feeling that I'm a potential romantic companion -- it's a free country and he's free to like, dislike, or be indifferent to me, as he will.

 

But when a man: answers your ad (or approaches you), asks you out, touches you, kisses you, tells you how wonderful you are, makes future plans with you, introduces you to his family, asks you to be exclusive, asks you to marry him, asks you to go out to look at engagement rings, then ducks out on you with no explanation (except a phone call saying he can't handle a relationship?!) or warning -- was he just not into you?! That's the exteme case which is my own personal experience. But all the others I've dated besides him all pull the same stunt, just at varying levels of attachment.

 

I've been led the same merry chase, and I can say that (because I'm a rather shy and reserved person), these men have had to come on VERY strong and very determinedly to get me into the net. But once I'm in, no matter how long it takes, I'm bounced out ASAP. I used to take it very personally -- what's wrong with me? Why do men leave me? What did I do wrong? And, like you, I believed that love and companionship was "just not meant for me."

 

Now I realize, sadly, that it's nothing to do with me and everything to do with men who have no business initiating anything with anyone. They're usually emotionally damaged or emotionally vacant people who latch onto others in order to distract themselves from -- what? -- I dunno -- their own unresolved BS (their father abandoned them, their mother neglected them, their elementary school teacher humiliated them, whatever) which they aren't willing to work on. Instead, they use emotionally available people to satisfy their on-again, off-again desire for quick fixes of what they believe is "intimacy." This means brief bouts of intense emotional exchanges after which time, once they are satisfied, you're studiously ignored. Whether that's a one-night stand (precipitated by weeks or months of impassioned emails and phone calls) or an actual "relationship" all depends on the vagaries of their own agenda.

 

And once you're given your walking papers, don't assume that it's over. These types have a tendency to wander back into your life with some elaborate excuses and emotional overtures to get you back on what you rightly described as a "roller coaster." Mixed signals doesn't even begin to describe what these people send out! Their signals are far from mixed: they show strong, active, consistent interest in you, which is why you end up involved with them in the first place.

 

I used to think that these men went on to find a woman they could really love, someone who had something to offer them that I didn't have. But they resurface in my life with such comic regularity (even though I make no reply to emails or phone calls) that I've come to realize that they will never find "the one." Mostly because, whether they realize it or not, they don't want to.

 

I'm sorry, Bighair! I wish I could give you some mojo to repel these people, but all I can offer is my strategy of taking anything anyone says with a dump truck full of salt and waiting it out to see what their actions reveal. And even that doesn't always sort the wheat from the chaff, as I've sadly discovered! Ultimately, it's a crap shoot until you come accross someone who is for real. But you will. Don't have any doubts, despite all the date cancellers in the world!

[ImThatGirl]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here. It's not to be mean but to point out things that may help you.

 

- You are searching for a husband.

- Your last ltr ended because he didn't want to commit.

- You ARE vulnerable.

- You ARE falling too fast.

 

You may never find anyone if you don't learn lessons here, Bighair.

 

There are signs "very early on" that tell you that the relationship will not work. That you are not compatable.

 

Joe has been honest with you from the time he told you he doesn't see kids in his future. Since you want children, you should have been comfy walking away. Instead, you let your heart manipulate your mind into believing that there is still a future.

 

You need to do some serious soul searching and confidence building. Until you feel less vulnerable, less co-dependent, less willing to accept "anyone" to fill that void, you are GOING TO CONTINUE getting into these situations.

 

I've been there. I've done this. I've screamed and cried at people that I knew I'd never want to marry because they exited when I felt I needed them.

 

Actions do not always speak louder than words.

 

His willingness to "visit" with you didn't mean a damned thing. You ignored the facts/reality of the situation. Apparently, you hoped he would "start" to feel a connection. Some people can tell on date one that they have no future with someone. You had "relations" with him on the first date. He stated he wasn't interested in the future. Now you think he should continue dating you and that it's unfair that he determined there was no future early on? If he didn't cut ties now, then weeks or months later you would have said "I can't believe he used me and led me on for so long."

 

Sometimes people allow themselves to be used and manipulated. Think with your mind. Determine early on if this person would really want to be with you long term. When the odds are against that, walk away. Don't hope you can "change" their mind. You put yourself out there, you're gonna get burned.

 

This man took what you offered. You allowed him to spend time with you, you drove to see him, even tho he was honest with you upfront.

 

Wake Up Sweetie! If you want to make changes so that you can be in a healthy relationship, there are people here willing to help you.

 

Or you can just cry about how you were so wronged and people will agree with you to make you feel better.

 

It's your choice.

[keefy1972]

"He plays games"= He gets horny. Thats all this was about for him in my opinion. You liked him, let him know it, and he took advantage of you. Sorry to be so blunt because it sucks being used. Use this as a learning experience. If nothing else, you learned he is a big tool and not worth a second thought. What a scumbag.

[Jayar]

The BEST BOOKS for this are:

 

"The Rules"

"He's Just Not That Into You"

"Why Men Love B!TCHE$"

 

Read them. They will help you. Obviously take the main points from "The Rules" and tone it down a little (for instance, I always return calls... But the rules about him calling first and him planning the dates and him taking the initiative are all golden). "WMLB" is more modern and you should like it it's a fun read.

 

It IS a game. You DO have to play. You basically sucked at playing it this time (don't worry I have too most of my life) and as you can see you lose if you suck at playing. You know why you lost? Not because if you had played the game he would have been into you... But because if you played the game he wouldn't have been able to hurt or upset you. Really it's not about trapping a man. It's about self-preservation.

 

Your mistake was not telling him to hit the bricks the second he showed you you were anything less than a priority. Then of course your mistake was going to see him. Then sleeping with him. Then after he said he didn't want to be with you once, continuing with him. Then this last time when he said he REALLY didn't want to be with you, you actually called him back and let on how upset you were. You're a beautiful personality and I think you're wonderful, but in all the above you come out saying "I'm a DOORMAT! Walk all over me!" And he did until he got what he wanted (which you let happen very early) and then the game was over for him. Unfortunately because you played the way you did, you came out the loser.

 

Rule #1: Never invest more into a relationship than the other person.

 

You say that these rules books dont apply to everyone. I disagree. They do. You can just convince yourself otherwise if you're not ready to accept it. He VERY CLEARLY showed you from early on he wasn't into you. Nowhere has he really indicated he WAS into you (though maybe he said some things) so this man fit the rules pretty well.

 

Anyway read the books. They're the best thing that ever happened to me. You'll get hurt a lot less and you will be more prepared to identify the one when you meet him. It's worth the bit of money you spend on the books! The sooner you accept that dating is pretty well a universal game and MOST of society plays by certain rules, the sooner you'll get good at winning.

 

Good luck, you're too good for him anyway!

[bighair]

I am always amused when people write to me in this sort of tone. This, wake up, sweetie...the writing was on the wall. I've said that I bear some resp. for what happened here. I don't deny that.

 

You know..I'll agree that I'm vulnerable, but no one here will undestand what went on here btw. the 2 of us. I wouldn't say that I"m co=dependent. That's a term w. some serious psychiatric connotation...and well, I"m not that. I like this guy and I was very interested in getting to know him.

 

And, no, I just don't want people to agree with me. I do like feeling support though. I think we all do. So, thanks, Girl, but please..."i may never find anyone..." Gee...that was helpful...I really needed to hear that...that was a confidence builder. Thank you.

 

Quite honestly, JOe sucked and it would be nice to hear that over and over again. Sure, I"ve learned some lessons from the mistakes I made here. But, at the end of the day, I wanted to hang out w. Joe. I wanted to be intimate and I wanted to spend more time with him. I'm the first to acknowledge that he and I were far talking about marriage, kids and the future. So, no, I did not allow my heart to be manipulated.

 

So, sure give me advice, but please...let's not forget that Joe deserves his fair share of the blame here....I liked the guy, and it didn't work out.

[bighair]

YOu know...the thing of it is...I really wanted to see him, and I found I was very attracted to him. You guys call it a mistake, but I'm sorry, I don't feel that way. Sure, perhaps, I should have told him to go to hell when he cancelled on me the 2nd time. YOu know..I liked him and I wanted to spend time with him. Maybe, I don't know how to play the game but we really had some good conversations. I took a chance, and, well...here I am. I am disappointed but it's done.

 

As far as the physicial intimacy, it's done. Was it a mistake? Is that why Joe didn't want to see me again? I doubt it. Sure, the kids thing...yeah..that was something to worry about...but, I wasn't willing to decide my future based on the 1st date. And, you know... I don't agree I was his doormat. It felt great to tell him to tell him off and let him know that everything he did at that point just sucked. I'm ok w. the fact that I called him. He needed to hear how bad I felt...you know...email is such a cop out and he wasn't getting off that easy.

 

I dont' know...I appreciate your advice, but I'm not going to beat myself up for the things I did...It's done. But, agreed, It's important to learn from these situations.

[Jayar]

Definitely don't beat yourself up! We all have to learn through experience. Just make sure that next time you put #1 first and that's you. And if you ARE putting #1 first then by default you are not investing yourself emotionally and physically until the guy has proved worthy of such investment.

 

I think you'll be fine. I think it just takes some practice and developing a thicker skin. And you are right he did not "dump" you because you slept with him. The fact is, he wasn't into you from the start. But guys are guys and a lot of them will still happly sleep with someone they aren't completely repulsed by, even if they know they're never going to see her again. Where you went wrong here was letting yourself get too involved, too soon. It happens to the best of us. Next time keep your head on straight and you'll see that even if it doesn't work out you can laugh it off. Or maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised and he'll be "The One!"

 

You don't have time for Mr. Wrong anyway.