shikashika Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 who ever started these rules such as... "it should only take half the amount of time to get over someone as you were dating them" I'm passing the halfway mark... and i'm not getting any better... i'm trying to get out... be positive...i've organised a bit dinner party this weekend and having a whole bunch of close friends over... sometimes i will be OK, but there are so many things i want to say to him... right after we broke up i guesss I wanted to hate him, but i couldn't... now i'm just sooo angry at him... because he didn't give me any 'reason' for the rbeakup and just said he didn't know if he was into me. i think if he just said, ' you talk to much'...' you are so unsettled'... or at leat told me what he didn't like about me, the healing time would be quicker.. but still now.. i'm agonising over "what went wrong?!?!" anyone else? Link to comment
chai714 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 There is no mathematical equation regarding human emotions. Each person is unique and will heal at varying rates. I encourage you to keep a journal and get involved in some type of exercise as this can help relieve some built up emotions. Hang in there, life only gets better once you take control. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 There is no mathematical equation regarding human emotions. Each person is unique and will heal at varying rates. I know... people are saying to me" why aren't you over him... he was immature" if only we were robots with on and off buttons..... Link to comment
chai714 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Those people are ignorant. Cut them out of your life while you're healing. I consider the healing process to be vital in regards to the future outlook you have on dating and life in general. You don't need people who won't support you while you're healing. Surround yourself with people who care - this is what you need, not those who will try to hinder and criticize you. Good luck. Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 Those people are ignorant. Cut them out of your life while you're healing. I consider the healing process to be vital in regards to the future outlook you have on dating and life in general. You don't need people who won't support you while you're healing. Surround yourself with people who care - this is what you need, not those who will try to hinder and criticize you. Good luck. thanks for your kind words chai...I wish i could find a way to speed up this process!! i do WANT to be better... i want to be happy.. I want NOT to hate him... but i can't help it Link to comment
rocio Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 My friend dated a guy for less than a year, and has been getting over him for almost 2 years now (with very little success). Have you totally cut him out of your life? (Continued contact just makes it harder.) Do you have an active social life? Are you motivated and working toward your goals? If so, then you're really doing all the right things. You'll get over him when you're ready. Link to comment
Hopeful123 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 It has been 7 months since my break up. I'm constantly thinking about him, dreaming about him, and I hate myself for that. I don't even talk to my friends about my relationship anymore, they are tired of hearing it, i understand that. they probably think i'm pretty pathetic. I wonder how can other people get over a relationship in 3-4 months and I can't. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I am gonna be the bad guy here and say that there is an approrpriate time for getting over a person. There are certain people who like to dwell on past relationships and make them seem greater than they actually were. This combined with attempts to get back with their ex actually inhibits their ability to heal from the relationship. Typically that is what happens when people take too long to heal, they cannot heal because they still have not let go of the hope of getting back together or just thinking about what went wrong in the relationship. This is why it takes people excessive amounts of time to heal. No one wants to hear this but it is true, once you let go you will be able to heal but if you constantly put yourself in situations where you think about your ex, the relationship or getting back with them it does not help the healing process. Link to comment
AzureSkyes69 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I don't think there is a set time for something like that,for each individual person the healing time varies. It is good not to rush the process,I am trying to take it slow.We all need to feel the emotions and "greive" the person we are getting over know matter how it ended there might be ridsual feelings and even hate or a strong dislike for your ex partner.This is healthy although very painful.We all need to walk through what ever feelings we have to get to the other side and begin a new life without them and possibly with a new partner. Remember after the rain the sky will clear. Link to comment
AzureSkyes69 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I do agree with Day_Walker to some degree some people do dwell on past relationships too much and this stops the healing because they are still so consumed by their ex partner and what is either going on with them,trying to figure out what went wrong,or thinking of ways to get back with them. It is normal to feel this for a little while but some people do obsesss about it to a point where it over takes their life and the possibility of having a healthy relationship with another person.I have known people like this in the past. Link to comment
Vynde Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Chai is right, There it no set rule, believe me I have looked and researched that for the past 2 weeks now. I did read one article that mentioned that for every 5 years of a "serious" relationship it takes about 1 year of healing.. Now, of course in very small writing under that it mentioned that of coarse every case is different and there are numerous factors that affect that.. Bottom line is that the process is slow and painful.. The one thing that have been reading, and its mentions it in every article, is that it WILL pass.. Having a good support group and not to mention helping yourself will slowly chip away at the pain.. It's been 2 weeks for me now, and sure, I still feel like crap.. but do I feel better than day 1? Well, yea, I do. Will I feel like I went backwards every once and a while.. Yes, infact I have already. It's all part of healing.. and it sucks no matter how you look at it.. There is no quick fix.. One good thing is that out of this, WE will become stronger, better, more loving (hard to believe) then we are now. So all I can say is, Hang in, keep strong, keep busy, surround yourself with friends family and caring people.. Each day we get a little better.. It's hard to see, but its happening. Hang in there!! Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 Hmmmm...I personally don;t see why it matters HOW long you dated soemone to get "over" them. I think some people ALWAYS have residual feelings for ex'es.....regardless of how long they have been broken up. When you love someone you love them. Otherwise....is it really "Love"? Now that said.... I think what you do with those "feelings" is what counts. Do you jilt or discount other people because they don't compare to someone you dated 2 years ago?? Now THAT is when the issues pop up. Having someone in the corner of your mind and heart is ok.......as long as it is NOT interferring with your day to day life...OR your future happiness. To the poster: I com0pletely understand where you're at emotionally. If there were a concrete reason this guy broke up with you..at least you would have some closure. I know it's easy to beat yourself up over it...but the truth is....it is about HIM...NOT you. Even if he told you it WAS something about you...you would most likely obsess about that ONE thing. So..you know..he probably did you a favor. YOU are the prize. Don't ever forget that. I think what you are doing is the best thing you could do....moving on. Link to comment
Spugly Fuglet Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I went out with some one for 3 years and 13 years leter im still not 100% over them it was 8 years befor I got any where near. Link to comment
Dako Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 It's always easy to judge, advise and comment on other people's lives. We do it here all the time, but when it's your own life things aren't so tidy. That half-the-time theory is pure baloney. I was married 25 years, and there's no way that applies to me. In another thread, Shes2smart mentioned how a dumpee can't really process the reason given for the end. It always seems too insignificant to be the real cause, but all it has to do is cause loss of feelings. That, in turn is a reason to end it. In my case, she told me she wasn't happy and moved out. I interpreted it as a loss of feelings for me, and accepted it. It could be my bad jokes, lousy cooking or gray hair, but the end result was a loss of feelings. Link to comment
shes2smart Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I kinda think that people who quote mathematical formulas (or should that be "formulae"?) for things like "how long it should take to get over a relationship" or "how much older/younger should you date" or "how old should you be before getting married/having kids" are looking for some sense of security, certainty, logic or order in a part of life where there really isn't any of those things. It takes as long as it takes. That's the only formula any of us need. I think most people are pretty good at figuring out when they're truly stuck in a rut. Now, if YOU think it's taking too long and it's getting in the way of living your life, then you might want to consider going to therapy to give yourself a kick in the pants. Otherwise, your healing process is yours alone. You don't have to do it on someone else's timetable. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 who ever started these rules such as... "it should only take half the amount of time to get over someone as you were dating them" ](*,) Is a complete nincompoop. ](*,) Link to comment
cheecago Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 My ex got over me in 1 month after 6 years so I guess it varies. Of course, she could be lying too Link to comment
shikashika Posted October 17, 2006 Author Share Posted October 17, 2006 i think other factors help.. when I really really really don't know why he left me... and being the person that I am.. i always need to know answers... it just takes FOREVER.. i had a good friend who i ws in love with... i didn't date him... but it took me 9 MONTHS to get over that one.. maybe it is something i need to learn how to do... I'm trying i really am.. with my most recent breakup......i have lots of friends, i do lots of sports, i'm busy at work... but you wouldn't believe the amount of times i've gone out runningor swimming or to the gym and started crying WHILE I WAS RUNNING and thinking about him.. Even if i'm busy... all I can do is think about it... because i never got an answer! Link to comment
deejay74 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 no there is no set time, no formula, no anything to gauge how long it "should" take someone to get over a relationship. there are what's considered "average" times people move on, but again, they're only averages. just so you know, i got dumped about 10 months ago over a 6 month relationship and i am still not 100% over her or the relationship. so is there something wrong with me? perhaps not, but i used to think so. i have come to terms with my healing progress even though it does bother me at times that i haven't moved on 100%. i still tend to beat myself over it but i try not to anymore. so i hope you're not if you are - it can only compound the situation. do your best to move on but don't try too hard like i did. it can shift your focus from moving on to dwelling on your progress. hope that made sense. anyway, bottom line is don't worry about how long it takes for you to get over someone. if you're the dumpee then expect your ex to get over it faster than you because they probably started to check out of the relationship long before you, so they had a head start. take care. oh yeah, i know how it feels to not get concrete reasons to why your ex left you. mine gave me a bunch of cliches and vague reasons for the break up and i do believe that adds to the problem of moving on. you feel like there is no "closure". but from my experience, even if you did get your "answer" it will probably lead to more questions. which, in turn, puts you on a merry-go-round. and believe me, you DO NOT want to get stuck on that ride. the rollercoaster ride of emotions is bad enough. Link to comment
juror13 Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Im married now 35 years. When I stopped seeing the girl I was planning to marry there was emotional pain. I recovered. I recently contacted my former fiancee. I had felt our separation was for the best, and that she had initiated it. She is married now for 30 years. She tells me that she is glad I called and that she thought I had initaited it our separation. But she now knows the truth. I am happy she has her life but I can not believe the pain over the loss that was caused by misunderstanding. I know we have to move on with our lives. Its like I tore the wounds open. Link to comment
Dorsay Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 It doesn't matter who initiated it back then. What matter is that you both knew the relationship wasn't working out. I initiated the break up, but my friend didn't give me enough reasons for me to stay. So at the end, we chose to do what's the best for us. If you could recover back then, you can recover again. Tare care. Link to comment
juror13 Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 point of grammar - I HAD felt, years later, it was for the best, not at the time. How can you give reason if their is no communication? Yes I know the drill, I jsut needed to say years are no barrier to pain. Link to comment
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