The irony of NC

[TheRedQueen]

What I got was essentially an electronic NC notification.

Shhhhhh!!! Have you no pride? You're not supposed to admit things like that publicly.

 

*dons sunglasses*

 

-your better half

[hosswhispra]

But I am dwelling on this guy and this situation because I cannot make sense of it. For me, comfort lies in understanding, and I don't understand what happened. I hate this, awful, awful, awful.

 

The feelings you're experiencing right now are completely normal. It's very difficult when someone that you hold so special within your heart just stops talking with you.

 

I advise you to do no contact right back at him--that's what I started doing when I sent one last email asking how Iowa guy was and telling him I missed him and signing it with a sad face--and didn't get any response back.

 

I am beginning to think that in general, this is the way men end relationships.

[TheRedQueen]

I guess it depends on the breakup itself. Sometimes if things are ugly, I would rather breakup via e-mail myself.... I know I certainly did that when I didn't feel that a guy I was with could even understand my point of view.

Hmm, perhaps I am an ugly and pathetic deludenoid

[hosswhispra]

Hmm, perhaps I am an ugly and pathetic deludenoid

 

No way. Definitely not.

 

I have felt the same way.

[Caterina]

Ouch. That hurts. Its gonna hurt for a while, but you have to know that there is nothing you can do about it. Hope you are okay. *hugs*

 

Why do you think he cut off contact? Were you just friends? Did you say something to hurt him? Is he a nice person or a mean person?

[TheRedQueen]

I agree with SB pick yourself up, gather up your dignity, and walk proud. You know you tried and you were open. It was he who was one who was not open and if he really would have tried it wouldn't have been behind the guise of an email.

I was finessed by this guy, eww, gross, please shoot me.

 

I let my guard down because I trusted him, and if it weren't for my sternum I'd have a bleeding heart.

[ElektraHere]

I was finessed by this guy, eww, gross, please shoot me.

 

I let my guard down because I trusted him, and if it weren't for my sternum I'd have a bleeding heart.

 

Sweets, I know I know. I really empathize with you. My person said he would never treat me badly, and the way he ended it I felt like a 2 bit hooker. I too let my guard down and trusted. I know next time to really get to know someone before doing that again.

 

You know what though? I went through my hurt and frustration and I came out stronger. TRQ you are strong I can see it in your writings and your pics. Don't let this foolish young man have you sitting on the edge of reasoning. Take the hand of pride and raise up on to the higher ground and walk strong and tall sister!

[hosswhispra]

I was finessed by this guy, eww, gross, please shoot me.

 

I let my guard down because I trusted him, and if it weren't for my sternum I'd have a bleeding heart.

 

Me too, RQ. I too, let my guard down because I trusted him. That is a chance that we take in loving someone. When it works out it's fantastic euphoria. When it doesn't we feel blah....

 

I do not think that they set out to hurt us intentionally. I think that they meant every word they said to us....but something that is undefined to us happened to change their feelings.

[Juliana]

I think what springing immediately into NC demonstrates is enormous immaturity; someone so incapable of dealing with another person's emotions, they just run away. I think, actually, there's no need to glorify this with a title, like "No Contact;" I think we could go so far as to say that he's just terrified you will make him feel bad. He won't talk to you, not as some plan like NC to heal himself, but because he is afraid.

 

No Contact is not a normal breakup routine for me. What I normally find is that we both discover our feelings just aren't deepening, so we sort of level off into friendship. I suspect you've never been treated this way before in a breakup?

 

I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you. I have found NC to be more damaging in the long run than long conversations, tearful or otherwise, about "what went wrong." I guess I think if we care about someone enough to enjoy their company and be kind to them when we're with them, we owe them some kindness and caring in the end. NC should be a last resort, not the first, but that's just my opinion.

[annie24]

I think what springing immediately into NC demonstrates is enormous immaturity; someone so incapable of dealing with another person's emotions, they just run away. I think, actually, there's no need to glorify this with a title, like "No Contact;" I think we could go so far as to say that he's just terrified you will make him feel bad. He won't talk to you, not as some plan like NC to heal himself, but because he is afraid.

 

oh, I strongly disagree with this. I think that no contact is the most mature option. I know that in the past, I have tried to remain friendly and have contact with ex-boyfriends. you know the result? I had a 2 month relationship with a man.... and it took me 5 years to get over him!!! I never went into no contact, I was never able to move on, he always kept stringing me along, and I let him. I didn't finally get over him until I finally had enough.

 

No contact helps people move on. I know it helps me move on. If a guy broke up with me and rejected me, why should I meet him for coffee so he can tell me about his new girlfriend? that sounds terrible. I'd rather move on and find someone who adores me.

 

After all, if a guy really needed me and cared about me and needed contact with me so much, he would have never let go of me in the first place....

[renaissancewoman101]

TRQ, I am sorry about the predicament you are in right now. I do understand your train of thought. You want to know why, why this ended, what caused it, etc. In a way you want to know to see if you did something wrong, so you can right the supposed "wrong", or so you can avoid doing the "wrong" in the next relationship. Personally, I think your guy is a wuss for taking the easy way out and breaking up via email. That is a cold hearted way of doing things. He owes you an explanation of why things died out or went south.

 

NC is something I hard time doing. If things go wrong in a relationship and there is a breakup, I think NC is the hardest thing to do. It hurts both parties. I would rather do the "friend" thing and then slowly put your life back together.

 

Life is not easy and sometimes seeing all this on here makes me so afraid to go out and date. Men are cruel and can be cowardly.

[Juliana]

Annie, I think the difference between your situation and mine is that I never have feelings for the guys after the relationship ends, other than friendship. The guys never make me feel rejected, or me them; it just isn't the best fit for us. Some of these guys I love like a brother today; in fact, probably the guy I was closest to just told me his wife is expecting their second, and I am so happy for them. I'm hoping to get out to see them sometime next summer, actually.

 

So, there it is. No contact would have robbed me of at least three people I consider to be best friends. Too high a price for me to pay. But of course, every situation is unique. There is a guy I can't talk to, even now.

[annie24]

I think some people can get over relationships without no contact, and some with. I wish I didn't have to do that, that I could just move on easier and have all the feelings die when the relationship was over. Even when I am the one to end the relationship, I am a person who gets very emotionally attached, it is just who I am. And I just *can't* sit accross from an ex, having coffee, while he tells me about his new love and their baby. Ok, maybe I can after a while has passed, of no contact and after I've met someone new, but before that? no way!

 

it is possible that TRQ's ex is the same way, just needs the No Contact to heal himself. perhaps in the future, he will be able to talk to her again, as friends. A guy I used to date back in the day recently got married, and I was happy for him. I did do no contact it helped me get over him, and now we are acquaintances (not quite friends).

[renaissancewoman101]

Juliana, I agree with you. I think NC robs us of a friend, or a potential "friend to be", unless the guy was a cad. Sometimes friendships can be salvaged from the ashes of a broken relationship.

[annie24]

Juliana, I agree with you. I think NC robs us of a friend, or a potential "friend to be", unless the guy was a cad. Sometimes friendships can be salvaged from the ashes of a broken relationship.

 

oh ren.... you know I love you, but you were friends with an ex for a long time and that was a pretty messed up friendship!

[renaissancewoman101]

Annie, you're right about that. That was a messed up friendship. I just try to give people hope on here instead of writing off everything as when a relationship ends, it is THE END, no hope for friendship or anything. I try to look at glass as half full instead of half empty.

[Juliana]

I think in my case it is the NC that makes makes me feel rejected. I don't need to be their "significant other," but to be told they don't even want to talk to me, or see me anymore -- !! Plus while we're dating I'm always aware of differences in our personalities that would constitute "fatal flaws," in the long run, even if I don't say anything to the guy. I think yeah, if you don't sort of see it coming, or you aren't kind of ready for the relationship to change, it can be a mess when it ends. And then you might need NC. But even then, I like to get that over with as quickly as possible, and get back to being friends.

 

But if you're the person ending the relationship and you're refusing to talk about it, what the heck is that? You're almost holding the other person hostage, while they wait for some kind of response. It's the absolute worst form of breakup (the best being the casual boyfriend who popped into my apartment, put a $100. bottle of champagne on the table because he knew it was all I drank, said "no hard feelings, okay?" hugged me, and left. God love him; that was great champagne).

[annie24]

I just don't think it's fair to call someone who does NC after a breakup emotionally immature or that they are being unfair or etc.... people do what they need to do to heal. After a breakup, I'm not thinking about what is best for the ex, I am thinking about what is best for me. If I don't look after myself, who will?

 

well, like i said, it is entirely possible that he will call her and be friends again when he is done healing, but until then, it's best for everyone to have a period of no contact.

 

in the book, "It's called a breakup because it's broken," the authors advocate 60 days of no contact. and I agree. It gives people time for their thoughts to calm down, for the dust to settle, and the time so that people don't say harsh words. After 60 days, you can decide if you really need them as a buddy or if you are genuinely over them. I think 60 degrees is a really good amount of time.

 

I think a lot of us know that it is extremely painful to be friends with an ex if you are not over them. Friendship is best saved for when it is a geniune friendship that you are after, not for hopes of rekindling a romantic relationship.

[Juliana]

I think someone who inititates a break up, and then completely refuses to speak to the other person at all is emotionally immature. That is my honest opinion. If someone breaks up with me, and I can't deal, and I want no contact, that's different. That is about healing. But breaking up with someone and running away is something kids do, not grownups. Grown ups deal.

 

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would do that to me. In the immortal words of Daffy Duck "that's despicable."

[annie24]

Yeah, I think that the only conditions under which a person should break up and not offer an explanation is if there is abuse or fear of violence.

[Daddy Bear]

I think that no contact is the most mature option.

 

i just can't follow that logic. i don't understand how refusing to speak a single word to someone is more mature than saying, "well, honey, you crapped all over me and flushed me down the toilet like used ScotTissue without explanation and now you don't say "boo" to me even when i send you an inocuous friendly greeting. i've spent many a night lying there with my eyes wet and wide open, wondering what the hell i did wrong. still, if you ever need somebody to talk to i'll always be here for you."

[Dako]

You deserve a decent resolution before being stonewalled by this guy. There's no more unfair treatment for such an intelligent person than to deny them the facts they need.

I'm truly sad to hear this.

[jamiek]

God I can relate exactly. My guy dumped me out of nowhere and I don't know why. I've read a few times that if a man doesn't come back to you within eight weeks - it's over and not to comtact him, of course. It said that men can go on with their lives for four weeks and can be fine and that it takes them 6 - 8 weeks to process a decision and possibly come back. I wondered if the men out there have any thoughts on this. My guy dumped me out of nowhere, earlier that same night he was saying something about me being the way to his heart. Then 3 hours later he said he wasn't prepared to be in a committed relationship and we should see other people - total shock to me. I had been voicing more expectations recently (nothing huge, just normal things) and maybe he got freaked / uncomfortable (meanwhile he is the one who wnated me so much and wanted more with me before). He fits the passive-aggressive personality and they resent expectations and they also pay you back if you hurt them (and I got angry over something that night and got very snotty with him for the first time ever). Or, he thought that I was going to break up with him so he did it first (it ws right after I began a conversation to talk about some things). I just don't know. This all took place in my bed before we were to go to sleep. He actually asked me if I no longer wanted him to sleep over- I said NO! He tried to kiss me on the mouth shortly before leaving?? I turned away (too hurt). This is my first time being dunmped - it's so hard and hurtfull especially when you never expected it in a million years from someone. I feel so betrayed and confused. It's been 3 weeks and I haven't heard from him at all. I thought I would. Also, he didn't even totally end it - he stated he still wanted to see each other (which I didn't asnwer either way) but still not a word. My friends say that I deserve to understand and know why and have closure and that I should ask for it but I'm so stubborn and still hope he'll call. We were together 5 months (he wasn't a good communicator). I wonder HOW LONG it usually takes men to realize, miss us .... ??? I know you would all say I shouldn't call. He's kind of insecure a bit and I wonder if he is afraid to call thinking I'm angry and will reject him? Help?

[itsallgrand]

That's not fair, RQ. You did deserve some sort of explanation, or something.

This would throw anyone for a loop.

 

I'd like to smack this guy upside the head right now. After how far you have come, he has some sh/ty timing to blindsight you. It's not right.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[jamiek]

Thank you! I agree and am dealing with that now and it hurts - total BS.