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Kell: I do know where you're coming from. People may try to manipulate those who are kind. Our allegiance ultimately has to be to our own concept and understanding of what is truly kind, truly loving, and truly compassionate. That said, breakups are the worst time to become retributive, and try to pay them back for how they hurt us. I think we have a responsibility to protect ourselves from further harm, but no right to inflict it. That's just my belief.

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I was just under the impression in this thread that even though someone does offer an explaination of the whys, the dumper is still responsible for giving closure, to care about the dumpee's feelings even after the breakup and so forth and to me, this is not fair to either party.

 

I was also under the impression that this person Red Queen was referring to DID offer an explaination (via email), and THEN did NC. And that she just did not agree with how he handled it. It stinks when we do not have a say in how people handle matters but unfortunately, we cannot control what others do. We can only control how we react to situations.

I guess the problem lies in the fact that I had no idea that this guy was capable of such callousness. Trust me I have dated selfish sociopaths before, but while I was dating them I was no fool of their true character. I have never been one to glorify people or situations, I'm a realist to the point of being a flaw.

 

I reluctantly started this thread because I felt genuinely wronged in this situation, genuinely wronged, whereas in my past relationships I had never felt this way before. I guess this is the first time I've been "fooled" by someone, and that is what really hurts in this situation.

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just something to think about....

 

say that he tells you all the reasons, flat out, in list form, why he ended the relationship. what will you do with that list?

 

I had a guy tell me once that he didn't like that I was "too into school." I thought about it for a few seconds, decided he was a butthead, and moved on.

 

I know another woman whose fiance broke off the engagement (and I quote), "because your thighs are too fat and your lips are too thin." she was a marathon runner, and yes, she did have thin lips, but that nothing he couldn't have figured out on the first date. but what could she have possibly done with this info? gotten lipo? collagen lip injections? or just faced it that her fiance was a butthead and that she deserved someone who loved her lips and thighs?

 

if he tells you everything, gives you more info, what then? will that really help you move on? what if he tells you he is still in love with his Cambodian ex and is moving there next week? what lesson will that teach you? not to fall in love with men who are still in love with their Cambodian exes?

 

my take on closure - the second a guy calls it off, that's all the info I need to know. why? because I don't care if he's breaking it off because I like school, or because he doesn't like my lips, or he has mother issues, or wants to pursue his life long dream of being a goat-herder... the bottom line is that he doesn't want me anymore.... and my #1 characteristic I look for in a man is that he care about me and wants to be with me. And by breaking up with me, he just lost my interest in him also.

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say that he tells you all the reasons, flat out, in list form, why he ended the relationship. what will you do with that list?

 

 

People will only ever tell you what they want to tell you anyway. There are always two sides to every story, it's just a matter of who is telling which one.

 

You should never rely on someone else for closure. It gives them too much power.

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People will only ever tell you what they want to tell you anyway. There are always two sides to every story, it's just a matter of who is telling which one.

 

You should never rely on someone else for closure. It gives them too much power.

 

 

very true melrich. I don't think that ANYONE has ever spelled out every last reason why they no longer want to be together. and ug! I think that would be the most painful thing of all - to hear such a list!!!

 

imagine if during a breakup we handed a piece of lined paper with a laundry list of every reason we wanted to break up with our ex. Yikes. I'd have lines in there about my ex's poor taste in movies and his propensity for cracking his neck at the dinner table. I wouldn't even want to see my list! I don't know why that would help me heal.

 

you are the only one that can give yourself closure.

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if he tells you everything, gives you more info, what then? will that really help you move on? what if he tells you he is still in love with his Cambodian ex and is moving there next week? what lesson will that teach you? not to fall in love with men who are still in love with their Cambodian exes?

Absolutely yes. I do not dwell on solutions, I dwell on problems. The mystery of not knowing why, has robbed me of my peace of mind, hence my dwelling on this guy and this situation. If we were to have had a "closing argument" if you will, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this response. I'm a reasonable person and it hurts that someone I had held at such a high esteem chose to cowardly deposit an electronic NC notification rather than reason with me like a human being.

 

Luckily, getting this off my chest has effectively brought some closure.

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hey - I think that is great that you already feel some closure. that's definitely a step in the right direction!

 

well.... I think you are still going through the raw, painful phase of the breakup, where everything is fuzzy. I know that I have been there too, where in the days and weeks after a breakup, I remember only the good times, us as the happy, loving couple and don't see how he could have just cast me aside.....

 

but... over time.... old memories start creeping in.... like the time we had an argument over something serious, or the time I saw him drink too much, or the time he chose to hang out with all his friends instead of me.... etc..... with time and space, I could see the issues that drove us apart....

 

maybe in a few more weeks, you too will have greater clarity of your situation?

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I agree with that.

 

Try and put all those memories of all your fun times together, time with his friends and family, time with yours, all those intricacies where your lives are intertwined together and try and see the truth of the relationship.

 

If you had any joint property or ownerships or you have stuff at his place and he has stuff at yours, unwind all that ASAP.

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It wasn't that serious (thank god). I was definitely hurt by him, but more hurt by myself than anyone else. He was just a really really really really good liar, and I believed his lies. Regardless he's not responsible for my life, I am. It was in his best interest to lie to me and it was in my best interest to catch these lies. As far as I am concerned, I let myself down in this situation.

It's all good *gets up, brushes shoulders off* Next?

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