the "Chase"

[Caterina]

I've asked guys out before and it never came out well. I've only asked about two guys out, though. I think its better for the guy to chase you...but it takes away from the chance for YOU to choose who you want. This is because you always have to wait around waiting for THEM to make a move. Guys don't seem to respect women who like them first it seems, though. I have been in a lot of relationships that turned sour for me after a while because they were into me more then I was into them. A lot of my real heatbreaks happened over unrequited crushes. So, do you think its better to stave off of having emotions for guys and wait until some random person decides to like you or to actually chase after what You see you want?

[Day_Walker]

I believe that you need to know what you want and it is easier to go after what you want if you do the work. That doesnt mean what you want wont come to you but I believe the odds are better if you take some initiative.

[shikashika]

guys SAY they like a woman to make the first move... but that is all... who doesn't like someone chasing after you?? Boosts the ego, makes you feel wanted..

 

Even if a girl chases after a guy and 'gets him'... it doesn't usually last too long.

 

I have seen this over and over and over and over again... When the girl does te chasing... it never works out.

 

when a guy goes to the end of the earth for a woman... even if at the beginniing she says, " i don't like you loser... go away"... and the guy keeps trying and trying... Soon she finds his annoyances to be endearing..

 

Does this ever happen the other way round?!? HA HA HA HA!

 

No.

 

I think you can subtly let a guy know you like him... give him the idea you aren't going to say no... but let HIM do the asking.

 

I used to think," whatever... girls can ask a guy out too"..

 

Sure they can.. but do you want it to work out?

[amtjrtcet]

The night I met my BF of 5 months we were hanging out with a mutual friend. He had made quite a few comments about me being attractive, but I don't think he thought I'd give him the time of day. A few tequilla shots later I asked him for his number. We've been together since. But that was really the only time I "went after" him. Since I've let him take the lead.

[ImThatGirl]

My bf and I went to school together and lived in the same town for 14 years. I always remember seeing him around and thinking "wow I wish he would talk to me." I'm not really shy about starting conversation with anyone but he was different. So years passed, I'd see him at the store, see him driving by.. never talked.

 

Then, I decided to sign up for yahoo personals. He was on there too so I sent him a message this past march. He responded like a month later. So I thought well no go... And I couldn't respond because I didn't pay. We seen each other out at a bar afterwards, still didn't talk. He sent a message asking if I had a good night - couldn't respond.

 

I looked him up on myspace. We sent messages to each other a few times.

 

My sister was going out one night and I decided to go to hoping to see him out again. I'd had a few drinks already and he shows up. He came over to our table and I asked "So when are we going on a date?" He said he thought I wasn't interested - actually said he thought I was stuck up especially since I just moved to a new upscale community.

 

Anyway - he and I have been together ever since. If I hadn't said that, he probably never would have asked me out.

 

There's nothing wrong with the first move. Just don't become addicted to the chase....

[johnagent1911]

Mind games don't work on guys, they don't understand/see what you're trying to do.

 

Hopefully you're learning that right now... I don't chase... It might be a guy like that.

[Batya33]

I don't think you have to have no choice in the matter. If you are interested in someone, you behave in a warm, approachable and friendly way - and let the man take the initiative when it comes to asking you out on a proper date he plans in advance. It's not about passively waiting around. It's also about speaking up if the guy becomes smothering or overwhelming. I too have asked out men, as have many of my friends - never been effective past a few dates maybe.

[New_Horizons]

Guys don't seem to respect women who like them first it seems, though.

 

Well, you are wrong.

 

Please don't judge all guys based on sour experiences. Some guys LOVE women who can take the initiative. I can't figure out why more women don't do it, in this age of gender equality and feminism.

[Batya33]

Well, you are wrong.

 

Please don't judge all guys based on sour experiences. Some guys LOVE women who can take the initiative. I can't figure out why more women don't do it, in this age of gender equality and feminism.

 

Many men do love it - they are flattered in fact. Typically those are not the woman they choose for a serious relationship. And, I can do it and have done it - it's just generally ineffective for the woman to do most of the initiating and planning in the early stages if she wants a serious and healthy long term relationship.

 

Nothing to do with "feminism" or "equality" because in my humble opinion, when it comes to matters of the heart, most men I know over the last 25 years (I am 40, live and work in a major U.S. city) prefer, and are most attracted to, women who let them take the initiative in the beginning and do most of the asking, planning etc in the initial stages. Doesn't have to be "all' but certainly the majority. Even the "shy" guys behave in this manner and prefer it as well - if they are sincerely interested in a woman for a relationship. This situation may change over time - I personally would never advise a woman to be the "guinea pig" for this sort of change unless she had some sort of agenda that did not include wanting a serious long term healthy relationship. Since I know that I have no problem being the initiator -- I just find it ineffective -- I have never chosen to "try" to change the way things generally seem to work.

[DN]

Typically most relationships fail for one reason or another. Few people marry the first or second person with whom they have a relationship and the divorce rate is spectacularly high. It would be an oddity if relationships that started because a woman asked a man out had a higher success rate then average. And there is no way of knowing that relationship that started with a woman asking the man out failed for that reason.

[Batya33]

I agree with this. I also believe that most relationships where the woman does most of the asking, calling, initiating in the first month or so either fail early on or become unhealthy for the woman (i.e. he just wants to hook up, she wants a relationship, he takes her for granted most of the time, etc).

[Caterina]

I've made judgments based on experience, also. When I look at all the successful relationships I know, they usually were initiated by the man and followed through by the man...the relationships started by women I know ended with him losing interest. I ask a lot of people I know about how they met and this just seems to come up over and over. Yeah, there is not absolute proof that this is why the relationships failed but it does seem to interestingly be at least a considerable factor.

[New_Horizons]

Just because it keeps cropping up does NOT indicate a correlation, much less a cause-and-effect theory.

[Batya33]

Just because it keeps cropping up does NOT indicate a correlation, much less a cause-and-effect theory.

 

That is true except that I have talked with people about this and those involved often see it that way.

[moonchild]

i had always felt very attracted to one of my mates friends, so we were friends and I made the first move.

 

We were together for almost a year.

 

he said he would never have made a move, but also felt strongly attracted to me, because he never knew what I was thinking and felt intimidated by me. No intention from my side whatsoever...

 

I was his first true love

 

Just be yourself and let the winds take you

[Batya33]

i had always felt very attracted to one of my mates friends, so we were friends and I made the first move.

 

We were together for almost a year.

 

he said he would never have made a move, but also felt strongly attracted to me, because he never knew what I was thinking and felt intimidated by me. No intention from my side whatsoever...

 

I was his first true love

 

Just be yourself and let the winds take you

 

After you made the first move did you do most of the asking/planning/initiating after that? Why did the relationship end? Often I find that doing what "feels right at the time" could be based on a clouded perspective based on infatuation, neediness or insecurity - that's why it's good to have a sort of objective perspective or general guidelines so you don't just go where the wind takes you. I know many people who have followed your approach (particularly while drunk, lol) and significantly regretted it.

[ImThatGirl]

Even though I think it's okay for the girl to show interest or initiate conversation about going on a date, I'd never pursue, chase, or continuously try to pressure a guy into dating me.

 

The way I see it is, put the ball in his court (by letting him know you are interested,) it's then his choice as far as what he wants to do with the ball. But once you've passed the ball, don't keep taking chances to "make it clear" you're interested..

[Kevin T]

I've asked guys out before and it never came out well. I've only asked about two guys out, though. I think its better for the guy to chase you...but it takes away from the chance for YOU to choose who you want. This is because you always have to wait around waiting for THEM to make a move. Guys don't seem to respect women who like them first it seems, though. I have been in a lot of relationships that turned sour for me after a while because they were into me more then I was into them. A lot of my real heatbreaks happened over unrequited crushes. So, do you think its better to stave off of having emotions for guys and wait until some random person decides to like you or to actually chase after what You see you want?

 

Oh good.

 

More responsiblity comes yet again to US, the guys.

 

You'd think in this uber-feministic age of women's liberation that women could at least take the initiative with asking a guy out. But no.

 

Why are we always expected to face rejection and put ourselves out there to try and "earn" the woman's interest? Bah. (Is it because we're men who don't have "emotions", thereforeeee we can face such situations with superlative ease and no fears or pain?) I say yes.

[TheRedQueen]

Perhaps I'm weird, but I like to chase.

 

The more challenging the hunt, the more tender the meat.

[atraceofblood]

Well, you are wrong.

 

Please don't judge all guys based on sour experiences. Some guys LOVE women who can take the initiative. I can't figure out why more women don't do it, in this age of gender equality and feminism.

 

I also like women who take the initiative, but I think this all depends on mutual attraction too.

 

Recently a girl seemed to have started the initiation with me by looking and smiling at me a lot and even suggested hanging out with me when we first met, and I loved it!

 

I think it can work either way. I don't know if there is a single right answer.