In Love with 2 women?(I think)

[nickolas]

OK i will keep it as short as possible.About 4months ago i started cheating on my girlfriend of one and a half years.I love my girlfriend and she is great for me in every way.She lives about a 2 hr drive from here.One day this gorgeous woman hits on me i go into it thinkinking its only going to be a one night stand.Shes engaged and lives with her fiance.But we have started having an affair the sex is out of this world.And do to the fact my girfriend dosent live near me.And the woman im having the affair with her fiance dosent get home till very late every night,we get to see each other alot.Between the guilt im feeling and the lying its really bothering me.But i just cant get this woman out of my head.My girl is great she does everything for me.Shes a simple girl and would make a great wife.The married one is very high maintenance.And she is also 10yrs older than me.I know shes bad for me but when im with my girlfriend i still think of this one.I know what im doing is wrong,im just asking for advice,i dont need anyone here reprimanding me.

[rose2summer]

Hi Nick,

 

This is a difficult situation because you are ridging yourself in between two relationships.

 

Although it may be exciting right now, in the long term, there will be repercussions, such as your girlfriend finding out.

 

Another problem is that the married woman is interested in you to have her fun on the side, so she will leave you when she finds a new person.

 

What exactly are you hoping to gain out of this?

 

Married individuals very rarely live their spouse for a fling, so you are going to get hurt, and I don't want to see you hurt.

 

Hugs, Rose

[Beec]

I think you will find everyone, or at least most, here will tell you one thing: end the affair, and never look back. You're only other option, and probbaly the fairest, end your relationship with your girlfriend. What else do you think you can do?

[gattsuga]

It looks like this other woman is just using you for sex. She's engaged, and will be married soon. Do you two talk about anything deep or maybe hinting towards breaking off her engagement? If not, then you should probably distance yourself from her. You obviously can't handle this one night stand, and yeah in the long run, it's going to just hurt your relationship with your current gf.

 

do the right thing, stop cheating on your current girl. if you can't, then plesae do her a favor and break up. it'll probably hurt her to find out you've been sleeping around... and you don't want to do that do you?

[Day_Walker]

I think you need to focus on the status of the girl you are cheating with. She is engaged and she is having sex with you for a reason, first of all your age and for the sex. If you have the idea in your head that you are going to end up with the girl you are cheating with then you are going to get hurt. You need to realize that you are her release and that she is not going to end up with you. If you cannot handle that role then the longer you continue having sex with her the more you are going to hurt.

[nickolas]

Im sorry i left out that the engaged woman,told me if i give her the green light she will break off her engagement.We do talk and she is in love with me.I am not trying to gain anything from this.And i absolutely would feel horrible if my girlfriend found out i betrayed her.I just dont know what the right thing to do is.I truly love my girlfriend and like i said she is perfect for me.The other one is alot of fun but like i said very high maintanence.And whos to say she wont cheat on me.

[doyathink]

Someone is going to get hurt here, it's inevitable! You opened a window before you shut the door, this always causes a draft.

 

Make a decision and go with it before this triangle goes up in flames.

[arwen]

I truly love my girlfriend and like i said she is perfect for me.The other one is alot of fun but like i said very high maintanence.And whos to say she wont cheat on me.

 

Well, I think if you truly love someone you wouldn't even dream of cheating on them. She may be perfect for you, but to be honest you are far from perfect for her. And the sad truth is that she has no idea what the reality of the relationship is. I feel very sorry for her.

 

And yes, who says the other woman wouldn't cheat on you? And, who says you won't cheat again, on whoever you have a relationship with? The other woman is using her fiance and you as sort of a safety net for each other, if you don't break it off with your gf, she willl marry her fiance, and if you do, she will be with you? Not exactly my definition of love either.

 

I think that you should be honest to your gf. You are being quite selfish by having a cake and eating it too. You are putting her at risk for STI's (remember that condoms are not 100% protective against all diseases), and if you were to marry her, you are letting her marry a lie.

 

You mention that your gf is a 'simple girl'. What do you mean by that?

 

Ilse

[Caterina]

Basically, at this point you screwed up and no matter what direction you choose, someone will get hurt.

[nickolas]

You mention that your gf is a 'simple girl'. What do you mean by that?

 

 

I mean she dosent get her hair,nails,waxed,once a week.Dosent care about materialistic things.Always tries to make me happy even if she has to sacrifice.I just feel like theres no chemistry between us anymore.But i dont want to lose her either.I know im being {mod edit} up.Thats why i posted my problem in a public forum.So i can get advise.I know i should dump the married one,but the spark is so strong.

[agent1607307371]

I think you should end it with both of them.

 

If you were fulfilled with your gf you would not be cheating on her.

You cannot trust your lover because you already have (are) proof that she is not trustworthy.

 

Your gf is a safety net, something you are used to, and your lover is your walk on the wildside. I don't think either of them are what you are really looking for.

 

I think you need to work on yourself before commiting to anyone.

[FreeYourMind]

Well somewhere I really agree with Agent, if you're with your gf but you don't love her anymore there's no point in staying with her, especially if there's no chemistry between you two and also because you're cheating on her. Those are sure signs you don't love her enough to even respect her.

 

The other one on the other hand is trouble. As long as you stay as you are it's fine, but since she's high maintenance it might not be worth it. Yeah the sex might be great but you'll have great sex with someone you truly love someday and it will also be "out of this world". I don't know what your income is but a high maintenance girl cost a lot. The other point is that even if she leave her fiance for you, you will never be able to trust her... she cheated on him and when she'll get tired of you she'll cheat on you too...

 

Dump your gf, have fun with the girl you're having an affair with and stay out of her reach... She sound like a maneater to me... Also be carefull with her because she might be manipulating you into thinking that you're the one she love and that she want to live her life with you, if ever you give her the green light she might put you off on hold for a very long time, always having a good reason not to divorce. Read others posts about this in this very section, you'll see that a lot of people have been manipulated that way...

[Rabican]

Well since you already know what you are doing is wrong, inexcuseable, unjustifiable etc. etc. ill skip telling you what a bad person you are being right now... the woman is engaged and you have a girlfriend that you 'love'

 

*sigh*

 

First off you dont love your girlfriend. YOu cant possibly, maybe you love what she does for you. Love the way she cooks dinner for you, buys you things, provides stability, security, the sex, whatever... but you dont love her. If you did, there would be about 10808304203840 times during this whole debacle that you would have realized how much pain this would cause her if/ when she found out, and you would have never started this whole affair. Or if you did start the affair at some point post orgasm you would have the heart to end it and either become a good boyfriend or tell your girl what you did and let her decide what kind of guy she wants.

 

You want my advice, end the affair. The 'other woman' is bad, not only is she sleeping with a guy who has a gf, but she also has her own fiance. Do you think this is going anywhere? How quickly do you think itll be before she cheated on you if you two broke up with your SO's and got together. If you cant end the affair, then break up with your girlfriend. Dont tell her why, that will just crush her.. Just tell her its over, not what you want, you dont love her, whatever... but at least have the heart not to waste more of her time while you continue to cheat on her. Its obvious that you arent ready for commitment, and you dont have her best interest at heart.

 

Tellin it like it is man.

[finewhine]

I agree with all the above posts, but I do have one additional comment:

 

If anyone I loved described me as "simple" or "good wife material," I'd feel horrible. The other posters are right - you don't love her that much. You wouldn't diminsh someone you love by describing them in that way. That's like saying someone has a nice way about them.

 

Just end it with the girlfriend and be nice about it. Then do some community service for being a meanie.

[Double J]

Like someone else said, you selfishly want the cake and want to eat it too. You seek the sexual and wild thrill that your girlfriend is not providing in another woman, but you want to keep your g/f there so that she keeps doing you favors and showering you with compliments that you most definitely don't deserve. You use "simple" to describe your g/f in context that seems like you're saying she's boring or predictable. If you don't want this, then let her go and find a guy that will give her the love and attention you can't supply. If she was doing this to you, I'm sure you wouldn't like it.

[Alive2]

My wife is also a "simple girl" as in the perfect life partner, perfect wife, best friend, etc ... and my older mistress (exciting, high-maintenance, man-eater, 3 divorces, 3 kids, etc) was the perfect lover (exciting, passionate, lifes life to the max, spend $$$ like it grew on trees, etc) and the combination of both women made me feel completely fulfilled ... so why can't I get both of those women in the same person? Well, its quite logical actually: you are asking for CONTRADICTORY requirements: "exciting" by definition is unpredictable & unstable, considerate/sacrificing/compromising can be construed to be "weak", "great in bed" can sometimes mean not particularly safe, etc, etc ...

 

I'm guessing your mistress probably has opposite but equally strong character traits and your brain (not your other head) isn't able to decide which trait is really more important ... for example, how much stability do you need compared to how much danger? Personally, I am an adrenaline junkie and so I WANT the wild side ... but I NEED the safety net of a life partner ... it took me a whole year after my very painful affair ended that I concluded that my wife was the better choice (a run in with cancer in my family, lost job, etc). A life partner/wife will be there for you when things aren't so great ... a mistress will most likely disappear ... you need to consider that. Usually I don't promote marriage/long-term pair bonding to anyone because it really is just a pretence (lets get serious NOBODY consciously chooses sexual exclusivity for life) but it sounds like you may have a great potential life-partner in your GF ... that's HARD to find ... maybe you can work with her to increase her "hotness" (work out in the gym, shop at LaSenza, whatever, ...) or encourge her to be more adventurous & spontaneous (take off to Paris for a weekend, a threesome with another hot girl, etc)... the past is the past and you can't change it ... if you tell her you had an affair that'll just hurt her and if she stays with you it'll take years to get over ... and only you win in that scenario (i.e. you "feel" better about being honest).

 

If you stop seeing the older temptress ('cause the chemistry is blurring your thinking process) and re-focus some of your mental energy towards your GF I think you're probably going to be able to make a better choice and be less confused ... I don't like that kind of choice myself but after three years of trying to convince my wife that polyamory is the way to go I ffinally gave up ... Western women are just brainwashed to believe in monogamy ... just face it ... and move on !!

 

Good luck!

[Alive2]

Sorry to generalize in previous post ... MOST women I have personally met want serial monogamy and eventually marriage ... some want polyamory ... very few want polygamy and no woman I've met wants an "open" relationship ... of course I'm in North America ... maybe in other countries or cultures you can "have your cake and eat it too" ... the Hippies had a good thing going for a while ... but without the marijuana ... possessiveness and jeaolusy seem to raise their ugly head unfortunately!

[nickolas]

Alive2...You hit the nail on the head.I know my gf is the right choice.She is definetly the one that would stand by me no matter what.Other than if she found out about the misstress.And i could never face her if she found out.She would be completely crushed and devastated,shes such a sweet girl and knowing that i hurt her in this way would kill me.

[s_finch]

I'm not gonna judge you or beat you up. I'm gonna be one of those saps who says we're all human. BUT I do want to give you some advie.

 

What I think you're saying is that your gf is stable, loving, giving, supportive, dependable, hard worker, trustworthy---all those wonderful qualities that make great wife and mommie material BUT you don't have the sexual spark and excitement with her that you've found elsewhere. Well trust me, if you marry her for all her great qualites but there's that nagging little area of unfulfilled passion, one day you'll find yourself overcome with a desire to fulfill those passionate desires and you'll be a cheating married man instead of just a cheating boyfriend. I know from experience because I married a guy who was/is great husband and daddy material but the sparks have never been there. After so many years you REALLY miss the passion and the sparks and you find yourself searching for that. I would strongly suggest that you end the relationship with your girlfriend because there is something important missing in the relationship, maybe there's nothing missing for her, but there is for you. It will hurt her far less for you to end it now than for you to end it after you're married.

 

Actually, I suspect this happens quite often. A guy marries a gal because she's got all these wonderful qualities but maybe the passion isn't quite what it could be but the guy figues it'll work out with time. Years later the guy is really needing that passion and he finds it, or it finds him.

[Alive2]

That's one option but lets not forget that the "passion and excitement" is partially created by the uncertainty and risk of a new and dangerous relationship and if you remove that element (e.g. by marrying your lover) the "passion" may quickly fizzle. If you think short-term you will always choose your current lover even if it's unlikely they will ever be the kind of person you want them to be and when the passion fizzles or you find out they are financially or ethically irresponsible you will re-assess the candidates and find a lover that is a better choice (i.e. more passion, apparently more mature) and move on ... this is a serial monogamy pattern ... that's one life-style choice ... the other life-style choice is marriage/life-partner where you opt to ride out the periods of lackluster passion for the longer-term benefits of emotional and financial security ... it's a tough choice!!

[candy604]

you need to break off with both woman. I truly don't believe you love your gf if you are doing this behind her back. a man in love with a woman would not think twice of sleeping with another woman and doing it. your using her b/c she's great to you. I feel so bad for her.

 

say there is no sex with the married one, what will the relationship be like? sex isnt' everything. it started off on the wrong foot.

 

give up both woman.

[nickolas]

I know for a fact that if i leave my girlfriend for this other woman it would be the wrong move in the long run.The other one is just very high maint.and its something i dont want to deal with.Where on the other hand if i hit tough times my gf would get a second job to help out.I do love my girlfriend so all the people here telling me i dont are completely wrong.

[s_finch]

you need to break off with both woman. I truly don't believe you love your gf if you are doing this behind her back. a man in love with a woman would not think twice of sleeping with another woman and doing it. your using her b/c she's great to you. I feel so bad for her.

 

say there is no sex with the married one, what will the relationship be like? sex isnt' everything. it started off on the wrong foot.

 

give up both woman.

 

Disagree. Course I'm not a man so maybe I'm wrong, but I think it's pretty normal for men who dearly love their wives to consider a trist now and then. Course following through with it is another story.

[s_finch]

I know for a fact that if i leave my girlfriend for this other woman it would be the wrong move in the long run.The other one is just very high maint.and its something i dont want to deal with.Where on the other hand if i hit tough times my gf would get a second job to help out.I do love my girlfriend so all the people here telling me i dont are completely wrong.

 

You love her, but for the wrong reasons in my opinion. You love her because she'd get a second job to help out?? Would you still love her if, after marriage,

she (God forbid) was in an accident and spent the rest of her life as a quadriplegic. Think about it. Would you still be so in love with her if she became a taker instead of a giver???????

[nickolas]

If she was a taker than i wouldnt be with her.Shes the most giving person i have ever been with.