Alive2

If it's a "stupid affair" then why continue? If your GF can't give you the kind of sex and general excitement that you need then I would just tell her that and see what she says ... maybe she will change ... maybe she will never be what you need ... but continuing down a path that by your admission is "stupid" is irrational (stupid)

That's one option but lets not forget that the "passion and excitement" is partially created by the uncertainty and risk of a new and dangerous relationship and if you remove that element (e.g. by marrying your lover) the "passion" may quickly fizzle. If you think short-term you will always choose your current lover even if it's unlikely they will ever be the kind of person you want them to be and when the passion fizzles or you find out they are financially or ethically irresponsible you will re-assess the candidates and find a lover that is a better choice (i.e. more passion, apparently more mature) and move on ... this is a serial monogamy pattern ... that's one life-style choice ... the other life-style choice is marriage/life-partner where you opt to ride out the periods of lackluster passion for the longer-term benefits of emotional and financial security ... it's a tough choice!!

Sorry to generalize in previous post ... MOST women I have personally met want serial monogamy and eventually marriage ... some want polyamory ... very few want polygamy and no woman I've met wants an "open" relationship ... of course I'm in North America ... maybe in other countries or cultures you can "have your cake and eat it too" ... the Hippies had a good thing going for a while ... but without the marijuana ... possessiveness and jeaolusy seem to raise their ugly head unfortunately!

My wife is also a "simple girl" as in the perfect life partner, perfect wife, best friend, etc ... and my older mistress (exciting, high-maintenance, man-eater, 3 divorces, 3 kids, etc) was the perfect lover (exciting, passionate, lifes life to the max, spend $$$ like it grew on trees, etc) and the combination of both women made me feel completely fulfilled ... so why can't I get both of those women in the same person? Well, its quite logical actually: you are asking for CONTRADICTORY requirements: "exciting" by definition is unpredictable & unstable, considerate/sacrificing/compromising can be construed to be "weak", "great in bed" can sometimes mean not particularly safe, etc, etc ... I'm guessing your mistress probably has opposite but equally strong character traits and your brain (not your other head) isn't able to decide which trait is really more important ... for example, how much stability do you need compared to how much danger? Personally, I am an adrenaline junkie and so I WANT the wild side ... but I NEED the safety net of a life partner ... it took me a whole year after my very painful affair ended that I concluded that my wife was the better choice (a run in with cancer in my family, lost job, etc). A life partner/wife will be there for you when things aren't so great ... a mistress will most likely disappear ... you need to consider that. Usually I don't promote marriage/long-term pair bonding to anyone because it really is just a pretence (lets get serious NOBODY consciously chooses sexual exclusivity for life) but it sounds like you may have a great potential life-partner in your GF ... that's HARD to find ... maybe you can work with her to increase her "hotness" (work out in the gym, shop at LaSenza, whatever, ...) or encourge her to be more adventurous & spontaneous (take off to Paris for a weekend, a threesome with another hot girl, etc)... the past is the past and you can't change it ... if you tell her you had an affair that'll just hurt her and if she stays with you it'll take years to get over ... and only you win in that scenario (i.e. you "feel" better about being honest). If you stop seeing the older temptress ('cause the chemistry is blurring your thinking process) and re-focus some of your mental energy towards your GF I think you're probably going to be able to make a better choice and be less confused ... I don't like that kind of choice myself but after three years of trying to convince my wife that polyamory is the way to go I ffinally gave up ... Western women are just brainwashed to believe in monogamy ... just face it ... and move on !! Good luck!

Hmmm ... my wife would disagree about me having "flings" because I have low self esteem ... quite the opposite ... high-ego=high sex drive=strong desire for mistresses, FWB, etc ... both of us are very positive about relationships (most of the time) but I realize it can never provide the thrills of a "fling" 'cause its just not that dangerous enough (always the same person regardless of outfit, location, etc)!

In University I had no problem at all having fantastic but meaningless sex (threesomes, group sex, etc) with casual female friends ... no commitment what so ever ... so now in my late 30's it's not so easy ...

I've tried to completely separate sex from emotion before but it didn't work (yes, I'm a guy and married). I've tried deep meditation and mentally correcting myself each time I think of having a "relationship" with someone I just want to have sex with (easier said than done). Some of my good girlfriends (i.e. friends) I definitely want to tap but wouldn't want to mess up our friendship. Maybe there is a drug we can both take to stop the "falling in love" reaction from occurring? How did the hippies in the "free love" movement do this in the '60's was it the LSD or weed? The alternative is just going to clubs and picking up whoever ... which can be a bit risky (recall "Fatal Attraction")

that's the way the best relationships start anyway so if you want a good relationship then why should this one be any different? If she is married and not interested she will let you know or you will figure it out soon enough and you still have a friend (maybe she has other more eligible and even more desirable girlfriends) ... if she isn't married or is married and wants a more intimate relationship with you for whatever reason (polyamorous/swinger, separated, exploring her options, evaluating the market, etc) then you are in a better position to assess the relationship options (e.g. just a friend, serious GF, mistress, friend with benefits, etc). At this point, you don't have enough intel to make an educated choice unless all you really want is a "one-night stand" in which case good luck!!

this is a lifestyle choice you both have to make together and I'm guessing your fixed beleifs may not support that kind of choice. Obviously saying NO means divorce (that's the easy way out) so the relevant question is, if you agree to polyamory ... what other conditions will he try to enforce (e.g. threesomes with his mistress)? So if you are not comfortable with sharing (polyamory) or partaking in the sharing (threeway, group, etc) then maybe you should ask your hubby if you can have a lover aswell and if he says NO WAY then his real intentions are pretty clear ... if he says SURE WHATEVER then either he is truly polyamorous or will just put up with anything to have his mistress ... if hes smart and successful (e.g. in business) then he has probably got a large selection of manipulation tactics at the ready to negotiate with ... and you will likely sucumm to them if you are weak and not in a position of power ... probably the reason he thought he could get away with in the first place!! If the only thing you can negotiate with is divorce then you have no real useful power!

from my experience being the married man in a love affair with a fantastic BUT highly religious woman (LDS) it was also very confusing for me. I am agnostic so I don't try to trivialize life down to "10 commandments" or whatever your belief system calls for ... but every time I was with her I felt the confusion and conflict within her which made me feel very sad that I was causing this conflict (but she still wanted to be with me) ... but that confusion also made me feel less secure in the relationship with her and also threw doubt onto whether or not she would be a long term partner significantly better than my wife (i.e. I constantly compared the options available). So FWIW I'd say be consistently very direct and unwavoring in your desire & intentions and he will have absolutely no problem leaving & marrying you (I would have thrown away my 12-yr marriage to marry her if I was intellectually convinced she was emotionally stable). I know some religious pundits will disagree but the fact that he has been married for some period is a sign that he CAN be committed and the fact that another woman thought him worthy of marriage also speaks to his character (unless you believe his wife to be a complete idiot). Good luck!

and many of these value conflicts disappear ... the definitions and practice of monogamy, polyamory and polygamy become irrelevant ... it's just a matter of negotation between consenting adults ... you have different relationships for different needs ... expecting one person to fulfill all needs is simply irrational ... "marriage" and "monogamy" are concepts invented when people died at age 21 ... are they still relevant today?

Oh please, this is getting a little rhetorical ... here's my real experience FWIW: (1) falling "in love" is pure chemistry and you fell like you have met your "soul mate" because that's what the chemistry does ... it has no relation to whether the person is a good partner or even a good friend (your brain will try and confuse you on this one) (2) having a mistress (lover) is absolutely fantastic while it lasts and when it ends (as it did in my case) I felt a sense of loss that haunts me to this day (that was 3 years ago) ... you never really "get over" a lover because there is something in that person that is unique that nobody else can give you and thats why you were attracted to them to begin with (not only physical but emotionally, intellectually, etc (3) you can "fall in love" with your spouse again (I did) but it comes and goes and depends on your mood and their mood and also ... stress, lack of sleep, excessive travel, lack of fitness, poor food, too much sugar, etc are all deterrents to being "in love" with your spouse ... sometimes you want to "escape" your spouse but in my case it was also partially my environment (e.g. live in mother-in-law). (4) you can be "in love" with two people during exactly the same time period (I have and to a degree still am) ... maybe I am polyamorous or maybe its just natural ... who knows ... who cares ... it's real from my perspective ... I spent a year after my affair working through those kinds of issues with my wife ... no I DONT REGRET DOING IT ... maybe I'm "selfish" or a "sociopath" but theres no point second guessing your decisions ... all you can do is learn and move on ... anyway, my wife was surprisingly understanding and we love each other very much (no she will never be 100% OK ... neither will I ... that's just life).... we basically needed to ignore societies pre-canned definitions of what a "good marriage" should be and define our own ideals and do what we want ... sometimes we are deliriously happy together and sometimes not but we always communicate our mood/feelings in detail (yes, sometimes its nauseating). (5) Creating "passion" starts with you ... I am an adrenaline junkie and "flirting" with and "chasing women" is one big adrenalin rush ... but I also get a similar rush racing my sports cars (yes, did illegal "import street racing" but now only on closed track) ... also do motocross racing, mountain biking, bodybuilding and also pursuing my masters degree (M.Sc) at night and other things that get my adrenaline and intellect pumping .. that's the only advice I'll give as its the only thing I have found that keeps my mind off other women (if only briefly) ... it really is all about finding passion in your own life 'cause your spouse can't do it for you all by themselves! Good luck!