Ellie2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 If she was a taker than i wouldnt be with her.Shes the most giving person i have ever been with. Hey N, I think this was exactly the point that S_Finch was trying to make! I.e. if you and your gf were put into a situation in which she (either consciously or inadvertently) became the taker, you are saying then you would *NOT* be w/ her. I.e. your love for her is *conditional* on the fact that she is a giver and would do anything that you would ask her to do. If she no longer did those things for you, you would not be w/ her. She may love you but are you sure you love her? I don't know but from my experience, if one person is consistently the giver (your gf) and the other person is the taker, the constant "sacrifices" get old really quickly ... you have to both compromise and work together to make a relationship work and (I don't mean to judge but...) you already have betrayed her trust big time. I too agree w/ the other posters ... as wonderful as your gf is, maybe she's NOT the person for you ... Just my two cents worth. Link to comment
nickolas Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Hey Ellie, dont get me wrong im not a total dirtbag i too do everything for her,i can honestly say i have never did anything wrong to this person(except the obvious and probably the worst thing you can do to someone you love)we have a great balance of giving.Shes a very smart girl and wouldnt be with someone that just constantly takes.And i enjoy doing things for her.Ive never done this before and thats why its killing me,i looked my whole life for someone like her.Im pretty sure after reading these posts i am going to end my affair very soon.My girl is more than willing to do anything sexual i ask her,(except a threesome)but i would never want to do that with her anyway,i dont think i could ever face her afterwards.She never denies me anything in the bedroom.I just want to feel more excitment with her than everything would be perfect. Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Hey N, No, no, I did *not* mean to imply you were a "total dirtbag" (sorry if my post came accross that way ...) Hmm.. I don't know if this is what you want to hear but you say above that you looked your whole life for someone *like* her? I do not mean to be nitpicky about semantics but maybe you love the "idea" of her (a total cliche, I know ) -- instead of *HER* The bottom line is she is *not* satisfying a certain part of your life and so you went outside the relationship to look for it. Maybe this is an indication that, as wonderful as she is, she is not the one for you ... Just my two cents worth ... Link to comment
arwen Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 You had an affair. Do you think it is fair to continue the relationship with your gf without her knowing that you cheated on her in an affair. It's not like a one-time mistake, you chose to sleep with the other woman multiple times. Now, if you break up with the other woman, it seems like YOU have a choice (between two women). While in fact, it should be the choice of your gf to continue with you or not based on the TRUTH about you. Ilse Link to comment
candy604 Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 yeah sorry to be harsh , but you do seem your loving her for the wrong reasons, she seems like a mother to you. You should come clean with her and be honest and let her make a decision whether to stay with you or not. It's not fair to her and your being selfish. Can't have a both! I agree with other people, she may not be the one for you. But if she was the girl you've been looking for, why are u going behind her back? as ilse says, it's more than a one-time thing..so you really should evaluate ur yourself. Link to comment
nickolas Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 Telling my girlfriend is not an option.Really would never hurt her like that.If i did choose to break up with her i would just do it without disgracing her.And i know for a fact if she found out we would be over,i know she would never forgive that. Link to comment
finewhine Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Right on. No need to tell her. You're absolutely right. Having been cheated on, I would have been happier if I had never been told. Just break it off nicely. And do break it off, please. There is something called being a good person. After you cheat on someone, it's really not fair to stay with them. Link to comment
nickolas Posted October 10, 2006 Author Share Posted October 10, 2006 I dont want to break up with her.If i wanted to break up with her i would of done it before i started this stupid affair. Link to comment
arwen Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 Sorry, I really think you are looking to what is more convenient for you, and not what is right in this situation. If you don't want to tell her, be as fair as breaking up. To be honest, I'd want to know so that I can decide myself if I want to be with the person who cheated on me. In my opinion, it is far more disgracing if she finds out herself later on. You never know the ways of the truth. You started this thread with feelings of being teared apart by guilt. Do you think that just ending the affair will also end that feeling? Finewhine has a point, if you cheat it's UNFAIR to stay with the other person. Try to look at this from HER perspective. Suppose you didn't cheat but she did for a longer time and never told you. She ends it, you propose unaware of her affair, you get married. --fast forward-- You are married for five years and somehow the affair of your now wife is part of a rumor you keep hearing. Your wife is aware of the rumor and decides to fess up that previous to your engagement she actually had an affair. Do you think you will ever be able to fully trust her again? Ilse Link to comment
rose2summer Posted October 10, 2006 Share Posted October 10, 2006 I agree with the other posters here. You can not drag out your fantasies at the expense of this woman. Most people who cheat are caught in some way or another, evidence speaks for itself. Although this may be fun and exciting, the only person who is going to lose in the end is you. Cheating will make you emotionally distraught and change your persona in general. Why would you ever want to do this, you criticize both women saying one is plain and dull and the other is high maintenance. Do you think maybe that you are just not secure in your own shoes and you must seek the validation of others? What makes cheating so exciting for you ~ what is missing from your own life that makes you want to do it? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 I dont want to break up with her.If i wanted to break up with her i would of done it before i started this stupid affair. So you can't really continue lying, cheating and juggling two women- a choice has to be made. Which is it? How long do you think you can carry out this double life before you get caught? Remember, this will live with you forever if you hide it from your gf, and if at some point down the road when she is your wife she should find out (and these things have a way of coming out eventually) you may find yourself alone anyway. It is completely unfair to play with your gf's mind, trust and heart while you have some fun with this other women- who is also cheating on her fiance. It seems that neither of you have respect for your other partners or commitment itself. It's time to make a choice and stick to it, before one gets made for you. Link to comment
s_finch Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 You had an affair. Do you think it is fair to continue the relationship with your gf without her knowing that you cheated on her in an affair. It's not like a one-time mistake, you chose to sleep with the other woman multiple times. Now, if you break up with the other woman, it seems like YOU have a choice (between two women). While in fact, it should be the choice of your gf to continue with you or not based on the TRUTH about you. Ilse Wrong tense. Not "had" but "is having". He hasn't ended it yet. He's having his cake and eating it too. Nickolas, if you aren't finding enough spark in the bedroom now, you surely won't be finding it after a few years of marriage. Your girlfriend sounds like a great person, and yet something is missing between y'all, proof being you can't break away from this other girl. A one night stand I could understand,,,,a two night stand I could understand,,,,,but you're in an ongoing affair and can't stop it, yet you talk about how great your girlfriend is. If you really care about your girlfriend, tell her the truth---all of it, or else just end it with her. For goodness sakes don't marry the poor girl, you'll never manage to stay faithful, in my opinion. Link to comment
gnabna Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 I know you said you do not want to be reprimanded but I have to say it is is highly unfair to your girlfriend to continue to have sex with her when she has not been afforded the knowledge that you have another sexual partner. Not only is cheating on her emotionaly destructive it could be dangerous to her health. One of the scariest times in my life was waiting on test results after my spouse cheated. Even if you dismiss this I could not help but to encourage you to come clean with your gf and/or stop the affair and get tested right away. Link to comment
s_finch Posted October 11, 2006 Share Posted October 11, 2006 I know you said you do not want to be reprimanded but I have to say it is is highly unfair to your girlfriend to continue to have sex with her when she has not been afforded the knowledge that you have another sexual partner. Not only is cheating on her emotionaly destructive it could be dangerous to her health. One of the scariest times in my life was waiting on test results after my spouse cheated. Even if you dismiss this I could not help but to encourage you to come clean with your gf and/or stop the affair and get tested right away. Yep, you're playing with fire here. No matter how careful you and the other woman may be, you still are at risk for contacting and spreading a host of STD's. That's so not fair to the woman you claim you love. Link to comment
arwen Posted October 12, 2006 Share Posted October 12, 2006 I second that. There are already too many sad stories in this forum about people being reminded of the betrayal by a nasty STI they got from a cheating partner. It's not fair that you make her part of your lie, nor is it fair that you put her at risk for a disease. Ilse Link to comment
Alive2 Posted October 17, 2006 Share Posted October 17, 2006 I dont want to break up with her.If i wanted to break up with her i would of done it before i started this stupid affair. If it's a "stupid affair" then why continue? If your GF can't give you the kind of sex and general excitement that you need then I would just tell her that and see what she says ... maybe she will change ... maybe she will never be what you need ... but continuing down a path that by your admission is "stupid" is irrational (stupid) Link to comment
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