Not after sympathy, i know i dont deserve any

[DizzyDoris]

This is my first post and any replies will be greatfully received, i just wanted to write all this down and get some feelings off my chest,as i dont have anyone i can really talk to about this. I have been single,through choice for the last four years,after a painful breakup with my childrens father. i suppose i locked my heart away and was scared to love again, until this year when i met the most wonderful man i have ever known.

 

I have been seeing a man i would describe as my soulmate these past few months, we met online,clicked straight away, our msn chats were for hours on end, every day and night. These progressed to phone calls, we would speak several times a day, then we finally met. OMG i have never experienced chemistry like this ever, i would get electric shocks just from sitting next to him and when we had our first kiss,and every other kiss it was electric. I fell very quickly,and very deeply in love with this man, a love i thought i would never feel, and will probably never feel ever again. Please dont think this was a lust thing because i fell in love with his mind, i have never connected with anybody like this before and really could see myself growing old with this man.

 

Now for the complicated part, where your all gonna hate me, he was honest from day one that he has a live in girlfriend, but told me things were not perfect and he knows she is not "the one". Our online friendly flirting spiralled into a full blown, deep,emotional affair. He feels unable to leave her though (not that i have asked him too,that would have to be a desicion only he could make) He says he loves us both, but in different ways. He feels so bad though now and is confused. Deep down, i know this is wrong, that he is not my man to love but if circumstances were different, we could have something so good.

The guilt he feels has been making things hard for him at home so he is now unable to look his girlfriend in the eye. I feel so bad that i am making him feel bad, if we carry on its going to make us both ill.

 

I finally understood that old cliche last night....if you love someone set them free..... even though he is not mine to set free, i have ended this last night, not because i wanted to, i love him with all my heart, but i couldnt see what else i could do? Love shouldnt hurt like this surely?

 

I feel so gutted, i dont know how i will cope without him being in my life, but i figure if he loves me the way i love him and we really do feel the same, he will sort his homelife out and come get me, when the timings right.

 

Please dont think im a homewrecker, i have never messed with anyones man before, and he has never strayed before, we just couldnt help falling in love, and story of my life, it was such bad timing. I will never get involved with another womans man as long as i live, the pain i am feeling now is unbearable.

And i know he is in pain too, but at least by ending it now i have spared his girlfriend the pain. Dont slate him because he is not a bad man, no one ever means for these things to happen, but unfortunately they do.

 

If anyone else has been in this kind of situation, i would be really greatful to hear from you please, and hear how you got through this.

Thanks for reading.

[Sad_now]

Well, I was in a somewhat vaguely similar situation in which I felt incredible chemistry and 'just right' with him and he had a SO who he didn't connect with and was just living with as a room mate.

 

Two years later, he is still living with her and I just feel cheated that I have got the short end of the straw and am settling for crumbs by accepting to be with someone who cannot be with me (and has no reason to change his situation). We are no longer together but I went through hell for no good reason and got NOTHING out of it.

 

Obviously all situations are different, but if he doesn't tell his GF and do something about it soon, I would be very wary. After all, if it's not too soon to kiss you, it's not too soon to tell his GF!

[littlemsred]

Dont slate him because he is not a bad man, no one ever means for these things to happen, but unfortunately they do.

People do intend for infidelity to happen, they make the decision to be unfaithful rather than to resolve the problems within their relationship or to end a relationship that isn't working. It is only human to want affection, to be flattered when people show us attention, to feel sexually attracted to others, to connect to people, to be annoyed with our partner who we have to deal with the reality of a relationship with, to empathise and sympathise with others etc. but is a cop out to say that these things just happen. Infidelity doesn't just happen to people, people make infidelity happen.

 

As for the man involved, he didn't do this because he's a bad person. He did it because he is a human being with human weaknesses and faults, because he feels temptation, and because he allowed himself to cheat. I don't know him so I can't criticise him, but I think you should. You are not the one in the relationship, you are not the one who has betrayed his partner, though your actions have not been moral. He betrayed the responsibility he owed to you all throughout your relationship, I am only sorry that you think otherwise. If he had any intention of leaving his partner, he would have left her instead of constantly giving you excuses for the inexcusable!

 

I am genuinely sorry that you're feeling sad, but you should know that your decision to end this self-destructive relationship is for the best

[itsallgrand]

Hi,

 

Well, I haven't been in a situation like that, but I have gotten myself away from a relationship that was bad news. Haven't most of us? And that is basically what this is.

 

There will be others who will come along and tell you about their stories, and how hard it is, and how much they loved this person who never (Really consider that, it's important) NEVER commited to the relationship fully to begin with.

And some are STILL hanging on the false belief that the relationship was a mutual one. Endless self torture.

 

If you can come to terms with that important fact, this will be so much easier for you.

 

He never fully commited to this relationship. The relationship is not real - mostly fantasy. Really. Look at it. Your emotions are tied to an idea - a fantasy of the relationship that could have been.....if only not for that pesky girlfriend and the commitment he continues to hold on with her (though you know that is riddled with betrayal, too.)

 

You will get through this and though you said you do not want sympathy and you are not deserving of it: You do deserve the happiness, intimacy, and truth of a mutual relationship. You deserve to be happy. You DON'T deserve to suffer.

 

Let go of the idea and the emotions will follow you with resolve. You may even start to feel some anger...which would be fine.

 

Good luck. Good for you for ending this.

[arwen]

I think it was a good decision to break up, no matter how much it hurts. It's a very hard situation, but I think in reality, this is not someone you should share your life with. The red flag is not just his relationship, but the way he describes it. He has a live in gf, who is NOT the one (but of course SHE doesn't know that), then he has you who is also not the one (otherwise why would he NOT leave her for you? If she is not the one?).

 

I am sorry for your feelings. I hope that you will feel better soon, and that someone unattached will make you feel as head over heels as he did. Please see the reality next to your emotions. I know it's very hard to be in love with an 'impossible man' (ie one you cannot have). But his actions towards his relationship and you are far from perfect. Even if he'd leave his gf to be with you, if things are a bit rough for a while, what do you think he will tell another girl if he meets one? I assume it will be the same story; it sounds like an excuse to me.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse

[DizzyDoris]

Thanks sad_now, that was another thing i was scared of, giving up years rather than months and having to prolong the pain and anguish. Its a horrible situation to get into, and i have learnt from this and will not make the same mistake again.

 

Littlemsred, you are so young and yet so knoweledgable! Thankyou for your comments. Your so right,everything you said was spot on.

 

If he had any intention of leaving his partner he would have left her.....

That line stings, but the truth hurts.

 

and your last coment

but you should know that your decision to end this self-destructive relationship is for the best .

 

I know its for the best, and it was self-destructive...for him, his partner and me, but i cant turn the clock back, i fell for an unobtainable man, big no-no, and your right about having choices, i shall choose much more carefully in the future and not end up in this situation again.

 

Any one out there contemplating an affair, dont do it, the cheated partner is not the only one who suffers, the heartache is felt by all three.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you fell in love with an image on line, then felt chemistry/lust when you met - and you never really got to know him as a person - so my guess is what you are feeling is mostly infatuation and lust, etc not true love. He can't be totally himself with you - you can't really know him - because he probably is afraid to be totally open with you because of his girlfriend. It was awesome for him - he got to be a couple with his girlfriend and get someone on the side who absolutely adored him - great for his ego. Please make sure you get tested now and in 6 months to confirm that you are ok - my guess is his girlfriend is also with someone else.

 

Look, it's good that this happened because now you know that you can draw the line and set up boundaries. Please don't hold other men to this standard - just because you don't feel intense chemistry off the bat doesn't mean it can't grow into something wonderful "slow pot to boil," etc. My guess is the chemistry was fueled by the taboo and knowing you had to "win" him away from this woman.

 

good luck

[DizzyDoris]

Thanks everyone for all your replies and words of wisdom, its good to get views from outsiders. I have read and taken on board all of your points and appreciate them. I truly believe this is/was more than lust, i love this man, and as unlikely as it seems, him having a partner, i believe he loves me, just not enough.

I guess after being on my own so long, i got swept along and am starting to see it was just a fantasy. A very nice one, i was naive but i have to be realistic and have come back down to earth with a bump.

 

It wasn't about trying to win him away from his g/f, i probably felt almost as guilty as him,our feelings just spiralled out of control and i really dont think she has anyone else, from what i gather she adores him. That would make things so much easier if she had met someone too, but as in the comments above i can see now, if he wanted to be with me, he would. True love always finds a way, so i guess this wasn't true love after all.

[arwen]

I think you have a very healthy way of looking at this situation, despite your pain. Yes, he would have left her if he considered you the love of his life and not her. You are not a bad person for falling in love. It can happen at the most incovenient moments in life (I got a love letter from my current bf admitting his love the day after I got sacked from my first job lol), or with persons who are not available (yes, been there too. I was lucky that this man chose to ignore the chemistry and that we both avoided more than necessary contact. But men that was hard...)

 

Him falling in love does not make him a bad person either, but the fact that he acted on it and had an affair with you, makes him a bad partner-- for his current gf but in fact also for you.

 

I am sure you will meet a person that will be right for you. Someone to have a REAL relationship with. With the normal ups and downs, but with the knowledge that he doesn't 'belong' to someone else.

 

Ilse

[antibarbie]

I applaud you for ending the relationship. Reading your post breaks my heart though. I may not be the girlfriend of the man you were seeing, but I might as well be because I have to pick up the pieces of my relationship after finding out that my boyfriend met someone online and had an emotional relationship with her.

 

You make so many excuses for yourself and especially for him. He told you that his relationship wasn't going well. Which obviously it wasn't otherwise he wouldn't have developed a relationship with you. When you meet someone online you only get to know what they want you to know. You don't know why his relationship was as it was.

 

Anyway, why should you feel so sad for walking away from a relationship with someone who doesn't even have the decency to walk away from his existing relationship when he has already decided that it was doomed? Would you want someone to do that to you? Do you honestly think that he would become a different person by being with you? He deceived his girlfriend by becoming involved with you, who's to say that he wasn't deceiving you in some other way at the same time. You saved yourself a lot of trouble by not letting it go any farther. You should feel good and proud of yourself for not allowing yourself to hurt yourself and others any longer.

[birdgirl]

I don't think it's a coincidence that if you've kept your heart unavailable for so long, that you would then fall head over heels for a man who is unavailable. Just another way to look at it.

[Oldboy]

Or another way to look at it is this: Anyone can fall head over heels with anyone. The trick is figuring out if it's the right thing to do.