very very little sex

[kadvati79]

BTW icemotoboy; you're cute!

Thanks One does one's best

 

my own relationship ended in part because of the limited sex that my ex and I were having. But I keep waffling back and forth on this issue.

I think its a feature of many ends of relationships, but sometimes its a symptom of wider problems, other times its the problem itself.

 

I would have words once again with my partner and for sure that happened.. not exactly like I had planned.

 

When me and my ex began to have problems with our sex, things went from bad to worse. Love was never a problem, heck, we can't even talk to each other on MSN these days (12 months later) without getting choked up. And we both have new boyfriends. What was a problem was that every time he didn't want to have sex, I would try and talk to him about it. But talking about it didn't exactly put him in the mood.

 

In hindsight, I would have seduced him all over again. Instead of always wanting to talk about it... which destroyed the mood. A couple of times towards the end I got so horny I totally didn't hold back and practically forced myself on him... I think he actually liked it. The times our sex life died was I tried to discuss it instead of actually just doing it...

[Suesser Tod]

well.. I thought for sure before 2006 ended.. I would have words once again with my partner and for sure that happened.. not exactly like I had planned. It got a bit out of hand and things were said in anger with resolved nothing and ended with me going to bed at 9pm new years eve. I did awake at 12:30 we talked to each other like adults. We are going to try to rekindle the sexlife and I love her too much not to give it a try. However, I will add we have only had sex 2 times in the last 6 months and NONE are this year yet.

 

I do however feel like she is getting there .. things are just a whole lot warmer and cozy lately.

 

 

Something does not add up here. Unfortunately there is some truth to the old saying "old dogs do not learn new tricks". With age behaviors do not change, only accentuate.

 

That being said, I wish you luck, but I'm afraid you've already spent way too much trying to fix the unfixable.

[about2giveup]

I think I may agree with you.. and I think the only reason I am spending so much time trying to fix the unfixable is because as badly as I am hurting now, I can't imagine the pain I will feel when the reality of this hits me that I will have to move on. When I first saw her 11 yrs ago, I felt something I had never felt before. I honestly never believed in love at first sight until then. I can't let that go. I think I am afraid.

[Suesser Tod]

I think I may agree with you.. and I think the only reason I am spending so much time trying to fix the unfixable is because as badly as I am hurting now, I can't imagine the pain I will feel when the reality of this hits me that I will have to move on. When I first saw her 11 yrs ago, I felt something I had never felt before. I honestly never believed in love at first sight until then. I can't let that go. I think I am afraid.

 

 

I thing we all have been in that position. You get yourself into a relationship, and once it starts going down you try to hold on to it, enduring pain for a long period of time.

 

 

Then I realized, as much as it will hurt, I don't think it can be worse that all I've suffered after several years of keeping myself on a bad relationship.

 

Its like, paying cash for a car, or getting a loan. The former will be a huge hit to your savings, the later will be "easier" as you make small payments, but at the end, you end up paying more.

 

Wish life were as easy as the above scenario. In fact, the worse part of being stuck in a relationship, is that time does not forget, and the clock never goes back, don't waste your life.

[about2giveup]

I thing we all have been in that position. You get yourself into a relationship, and once it starts going down you try to hold on to it, enduring pain for a long period of time.

 

 

Then I realized, as much as it will hurt, I don't think it can be worse that all I've suffered after several years of keeping myself on a bad relationship.

 

Its like, paying cash for a car, or getting a loan. The former will be a huge hit to your savings, the later will be "easier" as you make small payments, but at the end, you end up paying more.

 

Wish life were as easy as the above scenario. In fact, the worse part of being stuck in a relationship, is that time does not forget, and the clock never goes back, don't waste your life.

Wish life were as easy as the above scenario. In fact, the worse part of being stuck in a relationship, is that time does not forget, and the clock never goes back, don't waste your life.

 

how painfully truthful that statement is. You definitely have me opening up the blinds a bit more and taking a much closer look at the outside.

[guyoverthere]

I think I am just her cuddle bunny.

 

I've been here and it ended up being a huge factor in the breakup. We realized that I was in it more for me and she found that to be a big turn off. We also realized that she had trouble identifying what she really liked in bed. We've since started down the road to reaquaintance and things are going a little bit better.

Don't move too fast or be too hasty. Also, don't force the issue with a bunch of serious "talks", that'll probably just turn her off. Just try to figure out what she wants, when she wants it, and how she likes it.

[about2giveup]

I am so confused... I know she loves me.. that is not the problem.. but, it seems I have been doing all the right things but some how we just don't get anywhere. All I want is to be intimate with my partner without all the complications. How long can one person be patient and loving without losing everything. Why can't this be as easy as it was when we first fell in love. I am losing my mind.

[notsosure11]

I have just got done reading most of the posts.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know what you are going through. Its tough to end a relationship after so many years. You just keep hoping its going to get better and things will be like it used to be.

 

I'm sorry if you answered this already, but have you and your partner gone to therapy??

[about2giveup]

I mentioned therapy to her, she will not go. She doesn't feel our little problem is in need for other ppls help. She is a very private person and would die if she even knew I was typing in here. She said if I felt I needed to go, she doesn't have a problem with that. what good is just me going?

 

we had another nice weekend. " As sexless partners"

[notsosure11]

But this is not a little problem. This is a big problem. No, sex is not the most important thing in a relationship but it is important.

 

Maybe you should try therapy for yourself. It may not solve the problem, but it might help you deal through this tough time that your having.

[anggrace]

I agree, if she wont go to a therapist, you should. A therapist will be helpfull in suggesting other ways to go about fixing this and how to approach it. It sounds like you have done all that you can by yourself. Sex IS in an important factor in feeling loved, if you dont address this, it will eat away at you till theres nothing left.

 

And...no, dont move into the spare bedroom. That definatly wont fix anything.

[about2giveup]

I agree moving into the spare bedroom is not my best idea. I have written that off. I don't think that will help me at all. I am in bed and asleep before she gets home from work and she is in bed and asleep when I am getting up for work, but the fact that I can roll over in the middle of the night and know she is there is very comforting to me. So why move into the next room and punish myself.

As for the therapy I have not written that off, I think I am just afraid of facing what the therapist may say. Again, the whole idea of facing the truth I think will break my heart. I do see some subtle changes happening.. I think I will wait it out just a bit longer and see what happens before I get a bigger taste of reality.

[about2giveup]

uuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh This is nuts!.. I can't take much more!.. I am starting to wish the rest of our relationship sucked! Why do we have to have such a great relationship, and NO sex! What is it about me that apparently appalls her in the bedroom!

[millaj]

Girl, are you still goin through it? I don't know if you've followed my experience, but I am still going through it too. It was supposed to get better, she promised me she would try harder, but once again.. Valentine's Day, and no intimacy. *sigh*

[about2giveup]

well.. it is months later and I sadly have to say.. things have only gotten worse. I was fooled by the valentine holiday into thinking things were going to change. I laid down the law and said I was done, if there was no itimacy in our relationship it was obviously over and we were just waiting out the inevitiable... but then we made love valentines day... and the following weekend... I was like wow.. twice in one month.. considering I am lucky to get it once in 2 months... but since then.. nothing..so we are back on track of the last 9 months and sex 4 times.. and damn 2 of them were in february.... there are many excuses, some even good ones.. but this amount is just sick at this point!

[Donster]

Hi there, do you have an update on your situation? I (and a lot of other people on here) hope that you have been able to sort things out with your partner and are finding yourself in happier circumstances.

[happy79]

I've just read through this post. I hope you have managed to sort through your situation.

 

My ex recently ended our relationship and one of the reasons she gave me was lack of intimacy. If I had known that it was a big enough issue to end our relationship over, then I would have made major efforts to fix it!

 

We had gone from having sex pretty much every day to just having sex once a week and sometimes maybe twice a month. I was stressed and I didn't know it would contribute to our relationship ending.

 

You really need to talk this out with no anger. Ask her why? Ask her what you can do to be able to have more sex? Do it in a non pressurised way. I hope you have managed to sort through the problem.

[girl friend]

Why are you so focused on sex? Excuse the sexism here but that sounds like the sorta attitude i'm used to from males who 'cant keep it in their pants.'

 

You've got something most people would kill for, a great life partner and a loving relationship. And it sounds like your pressuring her and that everything you do is completely driven by it.

 

I can think of a lot of more romantic ways to spend valantines day than sex. Furthermore i know a lot of people, men included, who have said to me that they would happily give up sex altogether, i.e. date a religious partner or something, if they could find a loving relationship.

 

The more you talk about it, the more it pushes her away because theres a sorta emotional wall that has been built, and so on her side she may almost dread sex now because of the issue surrounding it.

 

cant you like pleasure yourself or something? Nothing worth hurting your partner over if you ask me!

[about2giveup]

update: It is now October 2007. My orginal post was 9-28-06.

Let me begin with the last comments made. I am not putting pressure on anyone and I am NOT making like sex is the most important issue. If I were, would I still be with her and would I be looking for an answer or help. Please do not critize me, as if I don't care. You couldn't be more wrong. Is it wrong to want more?

Anyway, No the sex has not improved, I have not mentioned sex and honestly stopped thinking all together she would be a person I crave for sex from at this point. I still love her with all my heart and our relationship is rock solid if you don't count the saddness I have at the end of Sunday when I am falling asleep wishing things would change. However, I agree with the fact she is more important to me with no sex then anyone could ever be with sex.

From 9-06 to the present we are at 6 times. To those who will shake heads at the fact that I am counting. My response is. HELLO its not impossible to remember i have had sex 6 times in 13 months.. I am sure if you aren't in a relationship you could count how many times you were intimate with someone.

I am not looking for the answer, I think I have tried pretty much everything, short of hurting her feelings to get her in the sack. I will not hurt her, I believe she loves me completely and whatever the issue, one could only hope she works thru it SOON.

Any encouraging words, or out of the box ideas would be greatly appricated. Thanks

[Beec]

If you have tried everything, but hurting her, I do not know what to tell you.

 

Hang in there, and I hope it gets better.

[about2giveup]

If you have tried everything, but hurting her, I do not know what to tell you.

 

Hang in there, and I hope it gets better.

I think I have tried everything. I am not hurting her, I mean I refuse to hurt her by pressuring her. So I have decided to try and be contant with what we do share. We exchange rings 10 1/2 yrs ago, I thought long and hard and am sticking by her for better and worse, in sickness and in health. I am not saying the lack of intimacy doesn't hurt me (cuz it does), I just refuse to hurt her by making it an issue anymore. So I will keep the pain to myself.

I hope it gets better too!

[girl friend]

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to criticise. It sounds like you do care about her a great deal. I apologise.

 

This probably sounds like a far to 'ordinary' suggestion, but when was the last time you 'talked' about this problem. Because she will be aware of this tension between you.

[forestspirit]

Wow my friend, how heart wrenching that work is getting in the way like this. You said in your first post, "She said she didnt like that I was always coming on to her or always asking for sex that was one of the reasons. then it was she felt pressured. there is always a reason." You must feel sexually frustrated, like the harder your try to reach for it the quicker it slips away. What really grabs my attention is 'there is always a reason', like the core issue isn't really being addressed, something is being avoided. Her feeling pressured is a good clue to what it is. All you may need to do is relearn the 'love dance'.

 

Sex is a very spontanious thing. One must flex with the moment (no pun intended), with a little witty humor here and there. Breathe. Be as compassionate as you can. I dont think you're over reacting about the infrequency of the sex, once a week wouldn't be bad. It sounds like you may have a stronger 'libido' which I've seen in some couples. Think more about what you can give than receive. Feel good, and it will eminate. Caring deeply about someone is the greatest aphrodesiac. So are massage oils, vibrators, and books with waaaaay too much information about how to how to do It.

 

Hopefully these shift differences won't last too much longer. Have you considered looking into new work?

[KNMOM]

is there any children? perhaps she is feeling insecure about her body.. I know this can be a problem with some women. When you mention holding her.. that is so nice of you. I know that it id frustrating for you but it truly shows your love for her.. Sometimes we have to look at the big picture.. Is it worth it to leave and do you really want to after so long? Perhaps you could try masterbating together? This could re -connect you.

[about2giveup]

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to criticise. It sounds like you do care about her a great deal. I apologise.

 

This probably sounds like a far to 'ordinary' suggestion, but when was the last time you 'talked' about this problem. Because she will be aware of this tension between you.

No apoligizes needed. I have decided not to talk to her about this again, I don't like to rock the boat. I know she is aware of the tension, but I am sure she has figured out I concided.