very very little sex

[Beec]

So, I have been thinking. Maybe I am over-reacting. I mean maybe in long term relationships, maybe the sex fades, maybe I am not the only couple only having sex rarely.

 

You're not, by far, the only couple in this kind of situation.

 

But, you are one of the people, that wants more than they are getting, unfortunately. And the door to getting more, might be soemwhere between her ears, if you can find the right key. Good luck.

[kadvati79]

If you don't mind..what was the age difference...

I was 25 and he was 20, so five years. But five years difference at that age is very different to 50 vs 42. From the limited knowledge I have of the female gender, I would suspect that hormones could be a factor?

[millaj]

I just recently went through this, and although i'd like to say that we got past it, i'm not really sure yet. Me and my partner of just a year have been having this problem lately. She comes up with a million excuses why, but when I come back with some type of proof that her excuse isn't valid, then she comes up with another.

 

Well I had been considering ending the relationship, because I love her and want to stay her friend; but then she and I had a really long talk the other day. It started out with screaming and crying, but ended with her appologizing to me, and admitting that sex just isn't that important to her and we are on different wavelengths. For her sex is just something that is last on her list of priorities. My main concern was, we haven't even been together that long. (We were in a l.d. relationship up until July, so in all actuality we've only been in a committed relationship for 3 months). It felt as if we are married and have been together for years, and it was depressing me.

 

She promised that she would try harder, and since the conversation we have had a lot more intimacy, and made love three times. Maybe she finally realized how important it was to me, and didn't want to lose what we have. I know that she loves me so much, and it's not a matter of cheating or anything. I couldn't cheat either; I'd rather break up and be single before jumping into another relationship.

 

My advice for you, is just to really sit down with her and let her know how important it is to you. I know you said something about her feeling like she's being pushed, but how else is she going to get it? Sounds like you really love eachother, and if she truly wants to keep this relationship alive, she should be willing to spend some intimate time with you. Age could factor in it, or maybe there are health issues. It's definitely important to talk about these things.. let her know, look this is really important.

 

Good luck.

[about2giveup]

I haven't sat down and talked with her about this again, I think I am just tired of having the same agruement. On the bright side (I hope) is that she told me today she made an appointment today for the doctor. She says she hasn't been feeling right. Soooo . .this could be one of two things.. 1. something could really be wrong (don't want that" or 2. this is just one more reason for us not to be intimate (don't want that either) I can't win for losing.

[Beec]

Maybe she is herself concerend with her not feeling the need for sex, maybe what is feeling wrong is related, maybe she will have something treated and then you won't be able to give her enough. Postive waves, think positive thoughts.

[about2giveup]

Maybe she is herself concerend with her not feeling the need for sex, maybe what is feeling wrong is related, maybe she will have something treated and then you won't be able to give her enough. Postive waves, think positive thoughts.

I like that way you think!... I am there.. think positive.. will do... I guess I can wait that much longer... appt isnt until the 20th and then whatever test or care will be needed.

[Donster]

OMG, I read this thread and experienced de ja vu!!!!

 

Some lessening of the sex drive is common, especially as one gets older and as the relationship gets older. I too tried to talk about sex, but like his driving skills, I soon learned it was one of those things that made him angry to talk about (because it was like challenging his manhood).

 

So I stopped talking about it, and ended up turning it inwards, and my self esteem suffered tremendously! And then to top it all off, while he wasn't having sex with me, he was having online and phone sex with other guys. But did that make me feel low. For years.

 

In retrospect, a good couples therapist would have been helped a lot. Instead, I turned to cheating to make myself feel better about me, and because the infrequent sex we did have was always on his terms (meaning, whenever he wanted it, but not whenever I wanted it). And then he started cheating too, and I allowed certain things to happen thinking that it would improve things between him and me. Big mistake (one that I won't make again!!).

 

From what I have learned, there may be other factors at play. It sounds like you and your partner do have a nice loving relationship with each other. Perhaps more handholding and other loving behavior will help make your partner feel more attractive about herself, and hence make her more receptive to sex? A lot happens upstairs in between the ears, as another poster said. Think about ways you can improve intimacy between you and your partner outside of the bed, and it wouldnt surprise me if things improve inside the bed too as a result.

 

Good luck!

[about2giveup]

I honestly don't think she is cheating. However, I don't think it is medical or menopause either. I believe she has set in her ways and is completely content with the way our lifes are. No matter how much I talk or how much I try to change things, it all seems like a desperate attempt to hide the inevitable. I am waiting the next few weeks for the medical prospect to be cleared up. Since I have tried everything a number of times if it is not medical my future looks like life without intimacy. Its not like I just decided to be a quitter.. this has been going on for quite some time. 10-03 to 10-04 16 times, 10-04 to 10-05 18 times, 10-05 to 10-06 16 times. So for sleeping in the same bed everynite for 1095 days and only being intimate 50 of them is just not enough for me. I had talked to her in 2003 that the sex was rare and she said I was crazy, that our sexlives was fine. So in oct of 2003 I started keeping track. If it turns out not to be medical I will have some serious decisions to make.

[about2giveup]

Update..I am losing it. I really am not happy. I look around and think I am going nuts. How could we this content and happy and not be intimate. If she is having medical problems then why isn't she at least taking care of or worrying about my needs. I know that sounds selfish, but I can't help but think this is all a game at this point. When we talked months ago about the lack of sex she said "oh here we go again" and then I said it was the final time of me asking for sex. I told her after heated words .. " I will never ask you again for sex!"... now it almost seems as if she is waiting to see if I ever will, almost as if it is a game. Am I just going nuts now?

[Donster]

quick question...does she know that sex is important to you? It sounds like it is not as important to her, but does she understand the gravity of the situation?

 

Also, are there other aspects of your relationship that needs to be explored? is one of you much more controlling than the other? are there other issues about the way you get along, or the way that you two communicate that needs to be explored?

 

my therapist has a way of getting to the crux of things...she will ask, if you take sex out of the equation, what is happening? what are the issues? how are the dynamics? Her point being, beyond the sex, there is always something else under the surface.

[about2giveup]

yes she knows how important the sex is to me, I have talked with her many times about it. I don't think she understands the gravity of it at all. Neither of us is more controlling then the other. We have a great relationship and have many responsiblities that we never renege on. I think she is that comfortable with our lives in the manner of what we have and what we have to lose that she is rolling the dice and betting I won't leave just for lack of sex . let me make it clear its not just the sex it is the intimacy I miss most.

 

It turns out now that there is now an medical problem she has gone to few doctors and there is a situation. I accept that and I am not making light of it, however this problem is fairly new, kind of like its a security blanket now for her.

 

Your advice that your therapist would give is awesome and I will fully ponder everything you said. I honestly do think there is some great information in there.

thank you

[capricornprncess]

wow about2giveup, i've read your thread from the beginning and frankly i dont know what to tell you, i've never been in that situation before. one question i have for you, if she decides that there's not gonna be any more intimate moments between you, will you stay with her even though there's not gonna be anything more? i know from what you posted, you love her and i can sense she's your soulmate, but being that intimacy is very important to you, are you going to adapt to life without intimacy?

[about2giveup]

wow about2giveup, i've read your thread from the beginning and frankly i dont know what to tell you, i've never been in that situation before. one question i have for you, if she decides that there's not gonna be any more intimate moments between you, will you stay with her even though there's not gonna be anything more? i know from what you posted, you love her and i can sense she's your soulmate, but being that intimacy is very important to you, are you going to adapt to life without intimacy?

Honestly, I can't answer that. I can say that the thought of leaving her kills me. But the thought of living like roommates hurts just as much. I have thought maybe if things don't get any "closer" I won't leave her, but I will not continue to sleep in the same loveless bed. I will move into the guestroom for a while and try and figure things out from there. That way I will still be close to her and not get so upset that we aren't intimate since roommates aren't. Does that make any sense? Cuz honestly thinking with my head and not my heart I havent done in quite some time and truthfully I don't like it.

[capricornprncess]

it makes sense of the fact that even if the situation doesnt improve, you still want her in your life, i understand that talking about it to her is not working since you've done that. my advice is to just wait it out, move in to the guestroom if you want. but just remember that after you move out of the bedroom and into the guestroom, any affections that she'll probably want to give you, you MUST stand your ground and just treat her like a roommate, since shes doing the same thing to you. Hopefully youll figure out what your going to do with this situation. goodluck!

[Beec]

it makes sense of the fact that even if the situation doesnt improve, you still want her in your life, i understand that talking about it to her is not working since you've done that. my advice is to just wait it out, move in to the guestroom if you want. but just remember that after you move out of the bedroom and into the guestroom, any affections that she'll probably want to give you, you MUST stand your ground and just treat her like a roommate, since shes doing the same thing to you. Hopefully youll figure out what your going to do with this situation. goodluck!

 

You know that is possibly a good thing to do to stir some desire in her, too.

 

The one thing I take from reading your posts in that you are with someone who cares about you and wants to be intimate with you, but without sex. This seems to be very like the classic situation of a guy being with a woman who wants to cuddle and not do the wild thing. Which is one reason I thought you looking at sights aimed at guys who want to be players could help. I've looked at and adopted some things from them, but I don't think of myself as a player. For the last two years, there is only one woman I have played with.

 

If you withhold the intimacy she seems to like and treat her as only a roommate, that may help. You may want to consider turning that on and off from time to time.

 

I don't know what else to tell you. It's her head you need to get into to either stir sexual desire in her or to at least get her to understand your needs and want to meet them.

 

Hang in there.

[about2giveup]

ok.. I have decided to do the roommate thing.. BUT, not just yet. Turns out there are some medical problems that show some concern. I have decided to put my feelings and needs aside to give my 100% support to see her through without her having anything else to think about. I am sure she is or will be fine.. but while she is going though tests I don't think I would be such a good partner to dump anymore worries on her. Wish us luck and health.

 

Again, thanks to all who have given input, each reply has helped in some way, if not just to show me I am not alone. Any additional suggestions or support is welcomed with open arms.

 

Thanks

[about2giveup]

update: Pretty much all medical tests are done and turns out there was a small problem. Nothing that should now put a damper on our sex/intimacy life.

we are now 2 days shy of 3 months sexless/intimacy. So last nite we get the not so bad news from the doctor.. I make a nice dinner and get a movie to celebrate. Now it is bedtime, Surprise Surprise, I go alone she comes in at 2am I get up at 5am. I know I had decided to give it until the new year and I will.

 

It just seems to take the pain away a little when I type in here.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[about2giveup]

ok, so here I am. Still in the same situation as ever. I feel empty and like a broken record.The year is coming to a close and my partner and I are closing in on our 10 yr maker. (which would be good right?) however the past few years have begun to be nearly sexless and if you have read previous Threads it isn't looking good. So the year is closing and we will end with the same number of times of intimacy as last year.. lucky 13. Health, communication, romance, and bending over backwards to try whatever I could issues have all been tried, talked out or resolved and well ...... I think my name of about2giveup will soon be gaveup. My heart is breaking, my mind raising knowning what I may be doing come the new year and my body is numb just going thru the motions of my everyday life. I think all I have is a glimmer of hope, but it is all up to her now. I am done trying. OR Shouldn't I be???? Damn!

[whitenoise]

about2... at the risk of sounding harsh, why in the heck are you staying with someone who knows how you feel about something, how important it is to you and REFUSES to negotiate a solution to keep you happy? From what I have read of your plight you have told her how you feel and by not having sex with you she has given her answer. You can't make her do something she doesn't want to and nagging her about your lack of sex life is only driving a wedge deeper between you two ladies. If the relationship is emotionally fulfilling, stay with her but find a PYT to satisfy your sexual needs and keep your mouth shut about it or leave.

[millaj]

Hi - I just went through and read all of your posts again. I can't believe things still haven't improved. I'm really sorry to hear that something you have had such a long history with, is now coming to the point of ending. That must be very disappointing. I've only been in my relationship less than a year, and it's getting there too.

 

I don't know what I can say about your situation anymore, but I have learned something from you. I learned that I am never going to be able to change my partner, and if she barely wants to have sex with me now, she's more than likely going to continue this over the years, and that is not what I want. I want a fullfilling relationship. (while i'm typing this, she sneaks her head in and says "i love you". SIGH.. It's really hard to let go of true love, due to the overwhelming feeling of needing a complete relationship.

 

I don't know what to think anymore either.. if you ever want to talk outside of here, please pm me and we can exchange e-mail or instant messengers.

 

M

[someguy1976]

Maybe you should just leave! I mean I really? Obviously nothing is getting anywhere, maybe it's time to call it quits, unless you are just in love with her. But most importantly, you have to think about yourself. I am in the same situation. I get an excuse everytime. When sex comes around it's just mutual masturbation, which does nothing for me, and he knows it. I am thinking that there is someone else and he is just afraid to admit it, and the same could be the case for you.

[Suzy-TO]

So, I have been thinking. Maybe I am over-reacting. I mean maybe in long term relationships, maybe the sex fades, maybe I am not the only couple only having sex rarely.

 

No your not the only couple this is happening to. I think with work, life, it happens. The key is trying to get back the magic. We also are going through this, so I went out bought some new sexy outfits and going to try and see if we can get away for a weekend. I think the key is trying to keep things spontanous and not over thinking it or neither of you will enjoy it.

[someguy1976]

From the limited knowledge I have of the female gender, I would suspect that hormones could be a factor?

You're exactly right, and maybe this has already happened, but did you ever consider menopause? This can happen at about that age. If it already happened, maybe she did not deal with it right when it was happening, and her hormones are all messed up. Women's bodies shut down the sex drive after menopause it's nature's way of saying "Your done screwing, now rest". Man has found ways of getting around that with hormone therapy. BTW icemotoboy; you're cute!

[Donster]

my own relationship ended in part because of the limited sex that my ex and I were having. But I keep waffling back and forth on this issue.

 

I met someone recently whose boyfriend is studying for the priesthood. They can't have sex with each other. Yet, are very happy with each other for the companionship, the cuddling, all of that. (The one I met is also older, in his late 50's and perhaps sex is not as important of an issue to him). To me, that is what love is about.

 

Yet sex is one manifestation of love, and also a really important component of any intimate relationship. Being in your late 60's and not caring as much about sex is one thing. Being relatively young, sex is still very important.

 

I'm sorry I dont have any answers, just thinking aloud for a bit.

[about2giveup]

well.. I thought for sure before 2006 ended.. I would have words once again with my partner and for sure that happened.. not exactly like I had planned. It got a bit out of hand and things were said in anger with resolved nothing and ended with me going to bed at 9pm new years eve. I did awake at 12:30 we talked to each other like adults. We are going to try to rekindle the sexlife and I love her too much not to give it a try. However, I will add we have only had sex 2 times in the last 6 months and NONE are this year yet.

 

I do however feel like she is getting there .. things are just a whole lot warmer and cozy lately.

 

I want to thank everyone for their imput.. I take the advice seriously and havent ruled out any of it at this point. Please keep them coming.. even if you think I need a good kick in the * * * to start again.

thanks