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My partner and I have been together for 9 years. We work opposite shifts and finanically we can't change that right now. So we have saturday and sunday. In the beginning like all couples we couldnt keep our hands off each other. as the years passed the sex got less and less. I have mentioned this to her. we have gone over it a 100 or more times. the more it is brought up the less sex we have. She says she loves me and its that we are just too busy, or one of us is sick. She said she didnt like that I was always coming on to her or always asking for sex that was one of the reasons. then it was she felt pressured. there is always a reason. If it wasnt for the lack of sex our lifes would be great. We have everything else a couple could want. We are down to having sex maybe 18 times a year. Am I over reacting? Should I move into the spare bedroom since I feel more like her bestfriend and a roommate then I do her lover?

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When a couple first meets, their is that huge romance spark due to the hormone, testosterone.

 

As time goes by, the romance and excitement can become less, because of the bonding hormone, oxytocin.

 

So the key is to keep things exciting by different positions, anything that keeps the spark alive.

 

Hugs, Rose

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Have you ever thought about what might work on her to turn her on? If dressing up in a suit as a martian got her hot, would you do it? She has told you that you asking for it and talking about it or whatever turns her off, so have you stopped? Have you even ventured in the last few years to figure out what it is that really does get her fired up for sex? Figure out what works for her, then do what it takes.

 

Perhaps moving into the other room is an idea and it will work. Perhaps you should begin to never let her see you naked. Perhaps she should find you mastubating in bed with a zucchini. I have no clue as to what works on her, but you should. Figure it out.

 

And welcome to ENA. Hope someone here can help.

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Have you ever thought about what might work on her to turn her on? If dressing up in a suit as a martian got her hot, would you do it? She has told you that you asking for it and talking about it or whatever turns her off, so have you stopped? Have you even ventured in the last few years to figure out what it is that really does get her fired up for sex? Figure out what works for her, then do what it takes.

 

Perhaps moving into the other room is an idea and it will work. Perhaps you should begin to never let her see you naked. Perhaps she should find you mastubating in bed with a zucchini. I have no clue as to what works on her, but you should. Figure it out.

 

And welcome to ENA. Hope someone here can help.

Thanks for the input and the welcome.

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Well, I am neither lesbian or in your shoes. But I have had women do what you do to me, and yes, it turns me off. I got the sensation and ex thought she could look at me longingly and grab my crotch and that shold be enough. Sometimes, it was not. When you told her, hey, that does not work, and she still did it. It got me angry. Why would I tell her something to be ignored? Her ignoring it made it worse.

 

Also, do you realize that people want what they cannot have. If you are always available, she may want you less.

 

The most powerful sexual organ in the body is found between the ears. Don't ignore what in her head. Figure it out and use it.

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update.so my partner took night off last night. I did all the smoozing.. got home from work early, made her dinner. Did the lovie dovie stuff. No pressure. She is great with the little kisses.. (did I mention the only kissing we ever do is just pecks) anyway, I wasn't out for sex last nite, since I have refused to make a pass or ask for sex since this is now 3 yrs of trying. Anyway, I said to her I have to get up early how bout we go to bed. I will hold you until I fall asleep. Which we did. Which was nice, maybe too nice. Since that is all we ever do and she seems to be content with it and seems to think there is nothing wrong with our sexlife no matter what angle I seem to use to let her know her contentment is my anguish. I really need things to change. I am missing the intimacy.

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Have you ever snogged/pashed each other? Is this her first relationship?

 

If the problem is her libido then talk to her about taking a herbal medicine called 'Horny Goat Weed'. It can be purchased in health food shops.

We used to be quite passionate. There have been so many changes in our 9 years together it has become quite confusing to me to what I am allowed to do or not do. She is very good at the flirting and playing, but that is as far as it ever goes. I suggested the herbal things I have asked if it is menopausal since she is nearing 50. She insists its not and herbal things are not required. I honestly don't think she understands the seriousness of this all. I don't have a clue how to get to her. (without confrontation)

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I think the two of you need to sit down and explain to each other what you want out of the relationship now.

 

Is she stessed about work, etc.? Does she think you don't love her anymore and you only want her for sex? These are all things you need to find out.

 

Good luck

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well, i would pursue the hormonal issue again for sure... it's not like menapause hits all at once!! there are subtle changes. i've been the partner who doesn't want to have sex, and having a baby was one of many reasons it happened to me.

 

if she absolutely says it isn't hormonal, then maybe she knows why but won't or can't talk about it? another reason i went through it was some past unresolved resentments toward my husband that i really didn't realize. going to counselling for marrige problems helped me discover that i was withholding sex as part of those feelings. i really wasn't able to connect the two before a professional helped us through some issues.

 

another reason had to do with changes in our lives that left me not exactly feeling like his partner anymore (kids, changed roles in the relationship, etc.). i lost the feeling of closeness with him, and sex just felt so forced.

 

then, the fact that it became an "issue" made it worse. every night that i laid there and didn't want to reach out to him, i felt like there was the proverbial "elephant" in the room. all i could think about was how i wasn't pleasing him, even though i didn't really want to. ??? yes, hard to explain, but my point is that once it was a topic to think about, it made getting back into a sexual groove almost impossible because of it feeling so contrived.

 

we did have the occasional encounters, but really only when i had been drinking and could ignore all those thoughts in my head. i was able to just let go of all the baggage and have sex for sex's sake. but usually it was hard for me to separate all the other stuff from the bedroom.

 

one last issue with me (sorry so long!) was the baby weight gain. not feeling good about my body immediately turns me off sex... it's horrible to feel that superficial, and despite my husband saying he wasn't turned off at all, it was just the way i felt. once i got back to exercising and feeling better physically in all those ways (less tired, more energy, better body), my sex drive went way up.

 

she seriously might not be able to understand why she's feeling this way, and it might scare her. it was only hindsight that clued me in to why i changed toward sex.

 

you should definitely try to express your thoughts to her ... if it is a very serious issue for you she deserves to know about it. good luck

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I think the two of you need to sit down and explain to each other what you want out of the relationship now.

 

Is she stessed about work, etc.? Does she think you don't love her anymore and you only want her for sex? These are all things you need to find out.

 

Good luck

I don't mean to sound negative or like I am being picky about suggestions. I have tried all of the about.. Her work is great. She doesn't think I only want her for sex. Honestly, there was a time when I did seem to be a bit pushy for sex. That is when we had the whole (first) talk. So I did all she asked. I honestly do not try anymore.. when I say that I don't mean I am not loving, flirty and playful with her I am. That is all good.. its just after all the playing and its bedtime she puts her arm around me , gives me a kiss on the cheek, says I Love you, I reply and we go to sleep. PERIOD. When I say I think she is content with the way things are. I am dead serious. The last time we had this conversation , she had 100 excuses of why we don't and explained she wants to, its just all the reasons and our schedules I even went to huge extremes to make the time and still nothing happens. We do have sex but if once a month we are lucky. The last time was 8-4-06. I did wake one morning at the end of august we were both playful our daughter was packing to go back to college and she said lets get up and I will help you with that.. I said playingly... I have something else you could help me with.. she gave me kisses and said the usual.. lets get up ..shower,.. do a few things and we will do that later.. I said later never happens.. she hugged me and said it will. Well, I am still waiting for later. I will comment.. I love her and I don't have ANY intentions on leaving her. BUT, if I wanted a roommate I would have put out a personal ad. I just think we somehow got so comfortable with each other and enjoy each others company and enjoy doing things together somehow the sex got moved way down the list. Sad thing is I think I am the only one who misses it.

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Maybe she's got it into her head that the bedroom is now for sleep only?

 

Take her away to a hotel or something like that for a weekend. Go for romantic walks and dinners while you're there. It will feel like you're on honeymoon and that should get the passion back.

 

It's worked for me in previous relationships.

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So we went away for the weekend. It was a very nice weekend. We went to a street festival in the afternoon, had dinner and drinks by the riverfront, cuddled and watched a movie later that evening. Sunday gradually woke, snuggled went for brunch and then went to a harvest festival. We headed home and we sang along with oldies on the radio. It was a very nice drive and a great bonding weekend. We returned home unpacked,cuddled on the couch and then off to bed. hhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm did I mention sex at all.. nope.. This is starting to hurt ALOT.. I don't think she finds me sexually attractive anymore. I think I am just her cuddle bunny.

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well, despite being a let down for you in the sex department, maybe it is an opportunity for another talk? the excuses of being too tired or not having time together due to work are not going to work if you talk about the weekend situation.

 

maybe try to approach the conversation as your desire to understand what is going on... so that there is no blame. also remember, though, that it is valid for you to want to know! even if she doesn't give you a reason for not wanting sex again, you at least deserve to know what the future holds, i think.

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well, despite being a let down for you in the sex department, maybe it is an opportunity for another talk? the excuses of being too tired or not having time together due to work are not going to work if you talk about the weekend situation.

 

maybe try to approach the conversation as your desire to understand what is going on... so that there is no blame. also remember, though, that it is valid for you to want to know! even if she doesn't give you a reason for not wanting sex again, you at least deserve to know what the future holds, i think.

I agree 100% with you. It is time for another talk. I have to figure out how to approach the topic without making her upset. (she has said in the past that whenever I bring up the topic it makes her feel pressured and it is hard for her to have sex with me when it is not spontanous.) I will put some thought into it and try to figure out the correct way to have this without ruining all the good things we have going.

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Boy, does this sound familiar. I went through this. Unfortunately, I have no advice really. What I tried didn't work. I think, if I had another shot at it, I would try and find what attracted my partner to me in the first place - and get back there.

So you are telling me you are not with partner anymore. Just to help ease my mind, your partner wasn't cheating right?

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So you are telling me you are not with partner anymore. Just to help ease my mind, your partner wasn't cheating right?

 

Nope And no he wasn't as such. Things got a little messy at the end but really, it wasn't the worst ending in the world. I think a major factor was our age, and particulary his, meant that we didn't have the communication experience. I think you probably have a good shot at communicating with your partner, if only you can find a way to reach her and get her to realise how serious the problem is too you.

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Nope And no he wasn't as such. Things got a little messy at the end but really, it wasn't the worst ending in the world. I think a major factor was our age, and particulary his, meant that we didn't have the communication experience. I think you probably have a good shot at communicating with your partner, if only you can find a way to reach her and get her to realise how serious the problem is too you.

If you don't mind..what was the age difference... In our relationship she is closing in on 50 and I am 42. It never mattered before..but the age factor has crossed my mind as to why we arent having sex. we hit 2 months yesterday without so much as a decent kiss. This morning when I was getting up at 5 for work she did roll over.. snuggle and whisper in my ear.. I miss you (since during the week we dont see each other).

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Sounds like you have someone who loves you and enjoys intimacies with you, but just does not need sex.

 

A different idea that I know has worked for some to turn a woman on, is to enjoy a little self service right in front of her. Don't ask me why, but I have heard of someone engaging in it, in front of her, and her being enticed to perform orally, on him in that instance.

 

If someone has a lower sex drive than you, I think you need to try different things to fire it up. While I have not had any experiences with a lesbian, I have had some with women and getting them turned on. Each on is different, and different things work with each, and over time the things that turn any one woman on seem to change. Keep trying, but try different things.

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Sounds like you have someone who loves you and enjoys intimacies with you, but just does not need sex.

 

A different idea that I know has worked for some to turn a woman on, is to enjoy a little self service right in front of her. Don't ask me why, but I have heard of someone engaging in it, in front of her, and her being enticed to perform orally, on him in that instance.

 

If someone has a lower sex drive than you, I think you need to try different things to fire it up. While I have not had any experiences with a lesbian, I have had some with women and getting them turned on. Each on is different, and different things work with each, and over time the things that turn any one woman on seem to change. Keep trying, but try different things.

Thanks! I am going to keep trying. Your idea can't hurt...lol... I guess I will give it a try. Its been a while I am sure she will put out soon.. then I will have to wait another 2 months. I still have hope. I just think it will suck to come to the realization that I am just not attractive to her anymore.

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I just think it will suck to come to the realization that I am just not attractive to her anymore.

 

I really doubt that this is the case. And if it is, it is probably because of how familiar you are. I see my woman naked all the time, so, seeing her naked has really little erotic affect on me now. But that does not mean she is not the type of woman I find attractive. She is.

 

And you are welcome for any advice or help I can give you, and I am sure that also goes for anyone else who posts here. Most of us do it because we enjoy it.

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