When should I move on?

[spechellewon]

Met this guy on-line back in spring 2001. We emailed, then talked on phone daily for 5.5 years (yes, five years). We live 30 miles from each other. For every Christmas, Valentines Day, Birthday, etc... we sent cards and gifts, but never met.

 

He asked me out repeatedly. I just saw him as a friend. A friend that grew into my very best friend. After the second year, he sent his photo (he had never seen me). I was not attracted to the photo. I dated only 3 guys briefly during this 5.5 yr period. I had a messy divorce 14 years ago and a botched engagement 8 years ago that made me feel untrusting toward long-lasting relationships.

 

In any regard, I found myself not caring so much about his looks, but rather who he was. I agreed to meet him for the first time in person on an official date in June of this year. We both had stated up-front to each other that we were in love with each other, but could not know for sure until we met.

 

It was a little awkward at first, but since then, we have been on 2 great vacations together, get together mid-week for dinner and spend every weekend together. He says he has never been happier or loved anyone like he has me and knows I am the ONE.

 

My question: Since we know everything about each other after talking several times a day for 5.5 yrs., inside and out, met each others families and feel we are both the ONE for each other, (we are 40 somethings) how long is too long to wait for a proposal? He made a comment the other day that had plans to ask me in the year 2008. I was a little shocked and hurt. What more can we know about each other that we don't already? Am I being too "pushy" by wanting something sooner?

[Ipso Fracto Man]

I can only guess: maybe he also feels untrusting toward long-lasting relationships at this point, and he wants to make darn sure that marriage won't somehow spoil the beauty of your relationship.

[sparkle1]

Maybe he thinks by asking you, you may be scared off? considering your untrustfulness of long term relationships? He probably doens't see the point in rushing. You've waiting 5.5 years....why are you so keen?

 

Its a lovely story though gives me hope!!

[NJRon]

I think if it took over 5 years to actually meet someone, waiting 2 years to get engaged isn't moving too fast. If you want to move faster, then why don't you bring it up to him?

[annie24]

Hi and welcome to enotalone. I gave you your own thread so your topic may receive more attention.

[Batya33]

For many reasons, I would not count the 5.5 years as getting to know each other for purposes of a romantic relationship or for purposes of knowing whether you would be compatible in a marriage. I would say in general given your ages, anywhere between 6-9 months is fine as far as a proposal. As "harry" said in "when harry met sally" "when you know you want to be with someone forever, you want forever to start right away." why not ask him why he wants to wait another year if he is so sure you are the one? Depending on what he says I would have my own internal "deadline" and at that time tell him you have to walk away unless he is going to commit to you.

[annie24]

how long have you officially been dating him?

[Beec]

I'm kind of thinking the same thing as the poster above who mentioned that if it took over five years to meet, what is the big deal about another 2 years. It does not seem like you were in a rush then, and he did ask you out repeatedly, and you were not attracted, which tells me that you were the one holding up progress for a long time.

 

In any case, don't push him. Pushing him will push him away. If you want him to ask, then you need to make him want to marry you NOW, not wait to do so. That won't be done by pushing.

[arwen]

I agree. First of all, I think you should regard the first meeting and what followed as the start of the relationship. Not those years that you never met and also dated others. I think he just wants to have a stable relationship for a longer while before he proposes.

 

Ilse

[hosswhispra]

As "harry" said in "when harry met sally" "when you know you want to be with someone forever, you want forever to start right away." why not ask him why he wants to wait another year if he is so sure you are the one? Depending on what he says I would have my own internal "deadline" and at that time tell him you have to walk away unless he is going to commit to you.

 

Harry did sum it up best when he said that to Sally.

 

Go with your inner voice on this one. What does your gut tell you deep down? Therein lies your answer.....