Should I be this mad? -long

[Heartbrokenpilot]

My wife of 5 years just admitted (after a little prodding) to having an affair during the first year of our marriage. I have always trusted her explicitly so this came as a real shock to me. In fact I was so shocked I freaked out and ordered DNA tests online for each of our three kids. The results turned out well and I feel much better about that aspect anyway.

 

I have never been the jealous type or even remotely a control freak, but I went kind of crazy. I checked everything I could think of. Cell phone bills, credit card & bank statements, of course the computer...everything. The real problem I am having is that I wanted to know details about her meetings. She reluctantly told me everything.....way way more than I should have asked for. I now have this really good mental picture of the events.

 

She saw him a total of 4 times. Talked to him fairly often but would go a few months at a time without speaking. They met at work but she hasn't worked there for years and is now a stay at home mom. It's the emotional side of this thing she had that is every bit as painful to me as the physical.

 

Right now she is doing everything right. We have had the longest and best talks of our lives. Longest and best sex of our lives as well for that matter. She said she will spend the rest of her life getting me to trust her. She said she will do whatever it takes. It has been three weeks now and I really think things could be even better than before. Turn this horrible negative into something positive. The problem of course: can I believe her and trust her. This is vitally important to me because I'm a corporate pilot for a very large midwest company and travel often. Anything but total trust for me would not be an option. Has anyone ever rebuilt trust? I know I will never forget, but I want to forgive.....right now, I can't.

 

She told me she's not really hot on counseling but would not hesitate to set it up and have a positive attitude toward it. Not an easy thing to do for a mom with three small kids. Anyone think we should give it a shot?

 

Things that make me feel a little better about her affair:

 

It was over four years ago.

 

She was only 24 years old ( I was 32 )

 

It was only three meetings while we were married.....I know once is to much

 

She feels really guilty, for doing it and hiding it and lying about it.

 

Has anyone ever had to deal with getting to much information about the physical acts?

 

Can trust really be totally rebuilt?

[amtjrtcet]

I personally know people can make mistakes, and never make them again. She sounds like she is truly remorseful and knows what a mistake she made. It will take time for the trust to come back, but if you allow it to it will. I think when a couple continues to try after infidelity, you must leave it in the past. Don't forget it, but keep it in the back of your mind. It will be hard, but you can't continue to bring it up. Otherwise it will never work.

 

Good luck

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I think you can trust her- just from what you've said.

 

Have you both talked about what caused her to cheat? if so, has that been resolved?

[Beec]

My first question would be why did she tell you? I think that kind of guilt is stuff you carry to the grave, if she felt it.

[Cecelius]

I personally don't know what the magic recipe would be -- for my money, when someone is willing to do this kind of thing, they don't stop doing it till they suffer something for it -- perhaps the guilt is enough, I don't know.

 

Second, and not to raise anything you haven't in your post, but if she'll have an affair, which you know is true, how do you know that you know all there is to know?

 

How did you find out?

 

I would suggest moving out for a while, or at least letting her know that's what you need till you can decide how you want this to work out.

[Heartbrokenpilot]

Thanks for the responses. As for why she told me I don't think I have a quick and easy answer. I have asked her about a business trip she took just before we were married multiple times in the past, and it's weird but I just knew something happened. Turns out I was right in that it was the first of the four times she saw him intimately. I wish I could say she came right out and told me but she didn't. She even addmitted to thinking that she never would. There was just one evening almost three weeks ago, great conversation, some wine.....alot actually, I told her that if she wanted to tell me anything we could work it out. She just dropped a little more of a bomb than I thought.

[yeawutever]

Sorry to hear that but if she told you after 4 years, then she must have been dealing with quite a lot of guilt. Some people would have just kept this to themselves, but to chose not to. Have she told you what led her to her long time ago affair?? Was there something lacking in your marriage that caused her to react that way??

[Beec]

I told her that if she wanted to tell me anything we could work it out. She just dropped a little more of a bomb than I thought.

 

I think you need to figure out what you will need to work it out. You've really got to give it a good try, especially after telling her this and also especialyl because you have children.

 

I also think you knew this somewhere in your mind, or you would not have asked.

 

Should you be mad? Yes. How mad is not for anyone else to tell you.

[candy604]

. An affair is not right, but it was only 3 times and it was four years ago. Leave it in the past. You have a strong marriage now, don't wreck it over this.

 

but if it's 4 years later and she hasn't done anything but is doing everything right and it seems that she loves you alot ( your sex life is great so is the convo), keep positive. I mean maybe she was immature back then at 24 and has grown up and realized it.

 

I hope you work things out. don't throw away your marriage over this. If you never knew anything of this , things would still be happy despite what happened.

 

Sounds like she can be trusted though. Ask yourself throughout the four years, has she been a wonderful wife to you? and a great mother? It takes time to forgive, but i hope you do eventually.

[Iceman26]

My question to her would be what is to stop her from doing it again? Obviously, marriage meant little to her as she went out and slept with a coworker while in the first year of marriage.

 

I agree that people may mistakes, but she made the mistake 4 times and from the sounds of it, this fling only ended when she started staying home.

 

The only person that can tell you if your trust in her can be rebuilt is you.

[Heartbrokenpilot]

My question to her would be what is to stop her from doing it again? Obviously, marriage meant little to her as she went out and slept with a coworker while in the first year of marriage.

 

I agree that people may mistakes, but she made the mistake 4 times and from the sounds of it, this fling only ended when she started staying home.

 

The only person that can tell you if your trust in her can be rebuilt is you.

 

EXACTLY

 

We have been struggling with this. I'm sure she is not only with me because of the kids. I know she is guilty and wants to work things out. She freely admits our marriage did not mean nearly as much to her then. She owns up to everything, no excuses which really means a lot to me. Things were just very different four years ago, she really felt because of my job, my travels, sort of a high and mighty mentality I had back then ( I grew up ), that I was cheating extensively. I wasn't.

 

What Iceman hit upon is the main crux of my problems.

[WalkingWithGod]

I know it must really hurt if she has cheated on you, but I think we all need to realize that marriage has very little meaning in this day in age. I don't think you can take sexual integrity for granted any more. The fact that she slept with one guy four years ago and hasn't done anything since is actually a pretty amazing accomplishment. You would be hard pressed to do any better, especially with a job that takes you away so much. Also, what kind of sexual integrity have you practiced. Have you truly not slept with anyone during your marriage and when you are away do you flirt with other women or check out other women or porn? These kinds of things will also hurt your wife. Also, if you are not giving her the kind of attention and love she deserves then you are making it very difficult for her to be true to you.

 

The fact that she has taking care of your 3 kids while you are busy flying is very amazing. You two owe it to your children who you brought into this world to try and work it out.

[Iceman26]

The fact that she slept with one guy four years ago and hasn't done anything since is actually a pretty amazing accomplishment.

 

So he should be happy she only slept with one guy?

 

I am merely guessing here, but given that being a pilot takes a good deal of training, I am guessing he was a pilot or training to be one while they were dating, and she had some indication that the job he has requires him to be away for periods of time. If she didn't like it or was lonely she didn't have to marry him.

 

That he is willing to give his marriage another shot is what is amazing to me.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, she cheated and that was very wrong. Even though it was several years ago, you just found out about it so the betrayal feels fresh. However, the only way to get through this is to look at the relationship you have today and not what was several years ago. If you have a healthy and happy relationship today and have over the last few years, don't dwell on what happened because it will poison what you have now. What do people recommend when there is a break-up....."focus on the breakdown in the relationship, not on all the wonderful things that happened at the beginning. What matters most is what is occurring now, not in the past". Use those ideas for your situation.....focus on what is going on now, not what happened in the past. If it is great now, that is what is important.

[Beec]

There is a positive here in that I think that the fact that she told you may indicate that she cares about you much more now than she did when you married her, which may be why she finally told you. Assuming she is telling the truth and the old affair is the only affair, then she is being honest, told you probably because she cares more know, and also because you made her feel secure in that you would try to work through it.

 

The big issue for you is going to be how you learn to trust her again. I cannot tell you how to do that and don't know anyone who can. But sooner or later, you need to be able to trust her again.

 

And I think she should also understand, there are no more chances.

[Iceman26]

There is a positive here in that I think that the fact that she told you may indicate that she cares about you much more now than she did when you married her, which may be why she finally told you. .

 

I agree that this may be the case, but the poster did say that she revealed this over "A lot of wine".

[Beec]

I agree that this may be the case, but the poster did say that she revealed this over "A lot of wine".

 

Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, it makes you follow your desirous emotions, leads you to do what you WANT to do, and forget your rational thinking and fearful parts. Makes me think it even more.

[1finger]

If you decide that you wan tto make things work then do it. But also know that when it comes down to it and you 2 are fighting about something that you should NEVER bring up the past such as the cheatting if you are really wanting to more forward and making things work. You can not live in the past and if you bring up the cheating in the future when you fight then you will never get to the point where you are wiling to trust her.

 

In some way 's you need to figure out if you can trust yourself enough to not jump the gun when somehting happens and to really be able to move past the past and leave it there. I am not sujesting to forget or tellign you that you should forget, but make peace with it and leave it there.

[take it to the limit]

Has anyone ever had to deal with getting to much information about the physical acts?

 

in a nutshell, yes.

 

I was with my partner for a year in a long distance relationship, when he called me one night just before my birthday to tell me he had had a one night stand with a girl he worked with. he said he told me straight away because he felt so guilty at what he had done.

I know this isnt the same as what you are going through as he didnt have an affair as such, but to me, it broke my heart, because i thought everything was going ok between us.

I went through a period of 3 months where i would drink almost every night, i didnt eat, i didnt sleep, i didnt contact him. then, when i had my time to think, i knew at the end of it that i still loved him. we got back together.

and here we still are today. we have now been living together for 2 years, and we have finally managed to put it all behind us.

my partner knows and understands that i will never forget what he did, but, i have forgiven him. i dont throw it in his face if we argue, its in the past....

i did want to know the details, i asked him to be honest, and he told me everything, it really helped me personally.

I think if you want it to work with your wife, you will both have to try your hardest, i know its hard, but try to put it all behind you both, and be honest with each other about how you are both feeling.

[7CardStud]

I'd be interested in knowing how the affair ended?

 

Was it even her doing? Or did the other guy end it?

 

Also, this is prolly only me but I'd be more mad that it was in the past...

 

I don't agree with people who are saying it happened 4 years ago... etc etc.

 

Thats 4 years of lies imo. I know I'm young, but That doesn't mean I don't have any knowledge of Infidelity... All you have to do is ask my parents.

[Rabican]

If you love her, and you dont hate her, and have not lost all respect for her due to this then I say you have a chance. I would lay down some rules, she may have to be willing to give up some privacy ie monitor her emails (even secretly without her knowing) check her phone records, no hanging out with other guys EVER without you there... once that trust is broken I would never be ok with her spending an afternoon at 'franks' house when you arent around.

 

bottom line, make her prove to you that it wont happen again.

 

Give it a little time for now if you think you have a chance of making it work... but if you cant get over this after time... then it might be best to end it.

[Rabican]

My question to her would be what is to stop her from doing it again? Obviously, marriage meant little to her as she went out and slept with a coworker while in the first year of marriage.

 

I agree that people may mistakes, but she made the mistake 4 times and from the sounds of it, this fling only ended when she started staying home.

 

The only person that can tell you if your trust in her can be rebuilt is you.

 

well said.

 

Id wonder what else may have happened, or what else might have... or what else could.... go with your gut instinct

[Heartbrokenpilot]

Great replies from everyone....amazing. This has really helped me and I thank you. She did end it (more than once according to her) and all of the evidence I have come accross backs up what she has told me. My gut says she is telling the truth about everything, but of course that unwaivering trust is gone. Above and beyond the 3 kids she already did change her attitude about our relationship, importance of marriage, and what is and is not acceptable well before this thing came out. I think she grew up and matured a little perhaps after she ended this or maybe later on. I don't know.