Heartbrokenpilot

Great replies from everyone....amazing. This has really helped me and I thank you. She did end it (more than once according to her) and all of the evidence I have come accross backs up what she has told me. My gut says she is telling the truth about everything, but of course that unwaivering trust is gone. Above and beyond the 3 kids she already did change her attitude about our relationship, importance of marriage, and what is and is not acceptable well before this thing came out. I think she grew up and matured a little perhaps after she ended this or maybe later on. I don't know.

EXACTLY We have been struggling with this. I'm sure she is not only with me because of the kids. I know she is guilty and wants to work things out. She freely admits our marriage did not mean nearly as much to her then. She owns up to everything, no excuses which really means a lot to me. Things were just very different four years ago, she really felt because of my job, my travels, sort of a high and mighty mentality I had back then ( I grew up ), that I was cheating extensively. I wasn't. What Iceman hit upon is the main crux of my problems.

Thanks for the responses. As for why she told me I don't think I have a quick and easy answer. I have asked her about a business trip she took just before we were married multiple times in the past, and it's weird but I just knew something happened. Turns out I was right in that it was the first of the four times she saw him intimately. I wish I could say she came right out and told me but she didn't. She even addmitted to thinking that she never would. There was just one evening almost three weeks ago, great conversation, some wine.....alot actually, I told her that if she wanted to tell me anything we could work it out. She just dropped a little more of a bomb than I thought.

My wife of 5 years just admitted (after a little prodding) to having an affair during the first year of our marriage. I have always trusted her explicitly so this came as a real shock to me. In fact I was so shocked I freaked out and ordered DNA tests online for each of our three kids. The results turned out well and I feel much better about that aspect anyway. I have never been the jealous type or even remotely a control freak, but I went kind of crazy. I checked everything I could think of. Cell phone bills, credit card & bank statements, of course the computer...everything. The real problem I am having is that I wanted to know details about her meetings. She reluctantly told me everything.....way way more than I should have asked for. I now have this really good mental picture of the events. She saw him a total of 4 times. Talked to him fairly often but would go a few months at a time without speaking. They met at work but she hasn't worked there for years and is now a stay at home mom. It's the emotional side of this thing she had that is every bit as painful to me as the physical. Right now she is doing everything right. We have had the longest and best talks of our lives. Longest and best sex of our lives as well for that matter. She said she will spend the rest of her life getting me to trust her. She said she will do whatever it takes. It has been three weeks now and I really think things could be even better than before. Turn this horrible negative into something positive. The problem of course: can I believe her and trust her. This is vitally important to me because I'm a corporate pilot for a very large midwest company and travel often. Anything but total trust for me would not be an option. Has anyone ever rebuilt trust? I know I will never forget, but I want to forgive.....right now, I can't. She told me she's not really hot on counseling but would not hesitate to set it up and have a positive attitude toward it. Not an easy thing to do for a mom with three small kids. Anyone think we should give it a shot? Things that make me feel a little better about her affair: It was over four years ago. She was only 24 years old ( I was 32 ) It was only three meetings while we were married.....I know once is to much She feels really guilty, for doing it and hiding it and lying about it. Has anyone ever had to deal with getting to much information about the physical acts? Can trust really be totally rebuilt?