ex bf at wedding? opinions needed.

[shorty20]

Well, there's been so much going on in my life latley, I haven't really had a chance to post this topic. It's not really advice I need, just opinions. I've posted here about a guy I was seeing a few times. We were more of a friends with benefits, but there were also some feelings involved. He was hung up on an ex gf and I always thought I could change him I guess. We started dating this past christmas and only dated for about 2 months before he broke up with me for the last time. Since our whole relationship had been so off, on, hot, cold we found it easy to remain friends. The thing is, now that I am engaged and have a fiance to think about, I don't really think our friendship is appropriate. I don't value him or think of him as a friend, because all I ever was was a back up to him... someone that would always be there if his other relationships didn't work out. My roommate somehow thought it would be ok to invite this ex of mine to a party we were having and I felt uncomfortable with it. I'm not uncomfortable around my ex, and knew that nothing would happen, but I just didn't think it was respectfull to my fiance to be hanging around an ex. I called my ex up and told him that I didn't feel comfortable with him coming to our party, and he said "well, if I can't come to your apartment, then how can I come to your wedding?" I said "umm.. you're not." and he hung up on me. I thought I was doing the right thing, but everyone around me seems to think I'm being cold hearted... he called me again the next day and said that if I can't hang out with him then that must mean that me and my fiance have trust issues. I told him it's not about trust, it's about respect and then I let him go. Am I being irrational? Is it really right to have an ex boyfriend hanging around, even if you are just friends, when you're engaged to someone else who can't be there with you? I just wanted everyoen's opinions on ex's beign at weddings, and also on hanging out with exs when you are engaged, even if they are "just friends"... i'm interested to hear what you all think.

[annie24]

i agree with you 100%.

 

The first factor in deciding if you want to be friends with an ex is "what is their friendship adding to my life?" there have been times in my life where an ex was adding something to my life (support, similar interests), but then I just grew out of the relationship. I think the same could have happened to you.

 

if you feel you aren't getting anything out of it, and that it may be hurting your relationship with your fiance, I think it is well within your bounds to break it off.

 

I hope your fiance is feeling better! Hang in there!

 

(((HUGS))))

 

EDIT: I think if exes have kids or they work together or they have been together for a long time, they should try to stay on reasonably friendly terms. but if it was just a FWB thing, or a short term fling, and there is no overwhelming reason to keep them in your life, then cut them out.

[rose2summer]

I think you did the right thing,

 

Your fiance is fighting for his life in the hospital,

 

He needs all the support he can get,

 

Don't bring another man into the picture,

 

I had my ex bf hanging around my last relationship,

 

And it always infuriated my ex that we were talking,

 

So out of respect for your fiance, I would let him go,

 

I do not agree in invited ex's to weddings,

 

Your wedding is between you and your fiance,

 

Not between you and your ex,

 

Who knows? What if he causes problems at the wedding (after a bit of alcohol)?

 

I have been to maybe 25 weddings so far, and at 1 of them,

 

The groom invited his ex and she caused problems all through the wedding,

 

She was a really big-time drama-queen there when she had some alcohol.

 

Break ties, you only get to get married once.

 

Good luck!

 

Rose

[Beec]

I have no issue with hanging out with them on occasion, so long as there is no real opportunity for anything to happen. You may know it won't happen, but your current bf should be made to feel secure. That's what this is all about, him feeling secure.

 

And no exes at the wedding. The only way it could be ok is if they were once and ex some years in the past and nothing had happened for a LONG time. I went to a wedding of a woman I kissed sometime in the late 1980s, when she got married in 1999. Nothing but nothing had happened since the 80s, we were friends, nothing more, for ten years.

[shorty20]

thats what I figured.. I wasn't so concerned with my ex causing problems or starting a fight, but I know my fiance dosen't like my ex at all... they've never met, but my fiance knows about what our relationship was and feels that I was used and is sort of protective I guess. He said if I invited my ex to our wedding I better be prepared for a fight to break out, so I decided better to just not invite him. My fiance was also angry when I called him to tell him my roommate invited my ex to our party. At first I didn't understand why he was so mad... I was just trying to do the right thing and have everything out in the open and just talk about everything, but he was infuriated at the idea that I may let my ex come. After I realized how mad he was I called my ex and had the above conversation.. my fiance is far far more important to me than my ex... I'm glad you guys have the same view as me.

 

on a side note, my fiance is doing better. He ate alot yesturday, the doctor said he's losing too much weight (almost 10 pounds since sunday) and has to be eating at least 3000 calories a day. They're trying to get his lung inflated and then they'll release him to the base hospital. He's doing better, but still in alot of pain. I can't wait to go see him!

[DN]

If you are not comfortable and think your fiance would not be comfortable, then it's your call. Not the ex's.

 

But, just for the record; when my sister got married her husband's ex-wife and her boyfriend were guests.

[rose2summer]

If you fiance is losing so much weight,

 

Can you ask to have a feeding tube inserted?

 

I am so glad to hear your fiance is doing better,

 

You had me really worried there for some time,

 

I know it's really hard to have a loved one become ill,

 

And I am so proud of you for being so strong,

 

You will make a wonderful wife for him.

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

[shorty20]

awww... that was very sweet rose, lol... I think you just made my day. Well, from what his dad said he's starting to eat. He ate a subway sandwhich yesturday and a candybar, lol... I think I'll take a basket of stuff high in calories so he can get all the nourishment he needs when I go down there. I also picked up a portable cd player yesturday and i'm making some cds to take to him so he can have some sort of entertainment while he's stuck in bed. lol, I sort of kick into mother mode when someone I love is hurt if you can't tell... when I get down there I'll want to do anything and everything I can to make him more comfortable and happy. I think if I had been closer emotionally with my ex it might be different, but it was pretty much just attraction, sexual... sometimes there would be a hint of something more, but he was too self absorbed and hung up on his ex to let anything happen. Things worked out the way they did for a reason and I don't think there's any reason to keep my ex hanging around.

[chigal28]

Shorty, I completely agree with you, too. I think you're doing the right thing.

 

In my opinion, based on the nature of your relationship with this particular ex of yours, it's showing a lot of respect for your current relationship to make the decision you did. And remember, it's your call to make, not your ex's or any of your friends. When you make the commitment to get married, that relationship and that person should be your first consideration. The two of you are the only ones in this partnership, and the two of you are ultimately the ones who make the decisions that shape your lives together, and how you treat each other, etc.

 

I don't think it's a bad thing to stay friends with some exes, but it all depends on the nature of the friendship. I had a relationship/friendship almost *exactly* like what you're describing, and I stayed friends with him (or whatever) right up until my current guy and I had been together for a couple months. Then I realized that he had never been a true friend, that he really didn't bring anything to the table that a friend should, and that it wasn't appropriate or respectful to my boyfriend to keep him around. So, I just stopped calling him. Since then I've gotten *one* drunk-dial, and that's it. No phone calls to say hi, see how things are going, check in, the things that real friends do. Apparently he doesn't miss my friendship that much either, now that he's dating a former Playboy model, lol!

[rose2summer]

Hey shorty,

 

Well if he stops eating, a feeding tube is a great option,

 

But if he is eating subway sandwhiches and candy bars,

 

Wow, he is doing well!

 

You can give him ensure drinks too if you want (they come in all flavors, yum!),

 

They are balanced meals so that he can make sure he gets enough of each type of nutrient,

 

That's so sweet you made cd's for him,

 

Yes, let the ex go, there is no reason to keep him around,

 

Your focus right now is on being there for your fiance,

 

Both physically and emotionally,

 

He needs you,

 

You know they say that a great deal of patient healing in the hospital can be from emotional support,

 

That's why when people fell ill in my family,

 

I never left their side, I was the cheerleader,

 

I am so glad you are doing the same,

 

Hugs!

 

Rose

[shorty20]

I don't know how excited he would be about drinking ensure... he's pretty picky and is more of a steak type of guy than anything. When he was back home thats pretty much all he ate... steak and salad, lol... not that he can eat that now, but he's working up to it. His friends are probably all going to make fun of him because I'm making him this cd with songs that remind me of him (most of them love songs) lol... but then again the always make fun of him because he talks about me so much and calls me so much. His dad told me last night that depending on how my fiance is when I get there next week, I may think about postponing the wedding.... I really really hope I dont' have to. I've done alot of planning already, but if that's what it takes I will... It just sucks that all of our plans are going down the drain, but I'm glad that he's ok.

[Hope75]

Hey Shorty,

 

I'm just catching up with this thread now-

 

Definitely making the right choice about the ex- and you acted with class and told him yourself. If he doesn't accept it, there's not much you can do.

 

What landed your fiance in the hospital?

 

Tell him Ensure comes in CHOCOLATE....

[shorty20]

I posted several threads if you want to catch up in depth, but in short, he got in a car wreck and he broke 12 ribbs, punctured and collapsed a lung, broke his ankle, his collar bone, and fractured his skull. He's stablized now and in recovery so he's going to be ok. I fly out next thursday to go see him.

[Hope75]

I posted several threads if you want to catch up in depth, but in short, he got in a car wreck and he broke 12 ribbs, punctured and collapsed a lung, broke his ankle, his collar bone, and fractured his skull. He's stablized now and in recovery so he's going to be ok. I fly out next thursday to go see him.

 

 

Wow shorty, I'm so sorry! I am glad that he is recovering though- that must have been tough.

 

When are you planning to get married?

[Siriana]

You've done the right thing. I agree with you completely.

And your ex is telling you that it is about trust issues?! he hasn't learned jet what respect is. He would done the same if he was in your shoes.

[shorty20]

I think in part he's jealous because he's loosing his "back-up" after a long time of being able to come and go with me as he pleased. I never realized how much I let him walk on me until I met my fiance and he opened my eyes. We're supposed to be married December 21st, but due to the circumstances I might need to try to switch it to a later date. I would hate to do that because I want to marry this man more than anything, but I also need to keep his best interest at heart.

[Beec]

but I also need to keep his best interest at heart.

 

That, shorty, that is love.

 

That's what it is all about, even in the moments when you can hardly stand the sight of him, if and when they occur.

[Relationship Coach]

Shorty,

 

I'm very happy for you and there were times when I never thought you'd find happiness. I wish you and your fiance all the best and a speedy recovery too! As for how you handled the situation with your ex, bravo!

 

RC

[shorty20]

aww thanks guys! Ya, when I first came here, I was a mess. I was afraid of committment and would jump from guy to guy and I was here when they all feel apart too! I finally found my soul mate, and I'm not even scared to yell it out loud that I love this man and that I am his and only his... I'm not scared to call him my boyfriend, fiance... husband. I seriously love this site and probably wouldn't be the same person with all the advice I've been given here!

[savannahohsavannah]

YOU are right on the money girlfriend about respect. I say don't change a thing. Keep the ex hookup out of your life until and unless he gets *serious* with one of your pals. You don't want him hanging around.

[DBL]

I think you owe your man that respect in not hanging or inviting him, since all you were was a piece anyway. At my wedding there were 3 girls that was invited that I had a "piece" of. Of course only a couple of people including the girls knew about it. Coincidentally...3 people died months after my wedding. Two of cancer and one of an asthma attack.

 

DBL