Wife fantasizing about someone else

[confusedinnj]

This is kind of an involved story, but I'll try to be brief.

 

My wife and I have been married four years, mostly very happy. Over the past 6 months or so, my wife has been a little moodier than usual. Last week, she starts talking about depression, and that we may need marriage couseling (seemingly out of the blue). Then, the next day, she told me that she realizes that we don't need marriage counseling, but she has occcasional thoughts of suicide. She told me that she was thinking of going to a therapist, and I agreed. (By the way, several others in her family are on meds or are in therapy.)

 

Concerned for her health, I decide to look in her notebooks that she keeps in her nightstand, sort of like diaries. She has always said that these things were private, and would often close them quickly if she was writing when I entered the room. I was afraid that I was going to see stories about hating life, suicide, etc.

 

Imagine my shock when I began reading and did NOT find tales of depression, but page after page of fantasies about her supervisor at work (a woman, by the way- my wife dated both men and women before we were married). Some of these were pure fiction, but obviously based around their work environment. These were written in the third person. Other stories were written in the first person, and described in detail the "crush" that she has on the supervisor, how nervous she feels around her, wondering what her chances are, etc. Some of these pages were written as recently as last week, others up to about 6 months ago.

 

So, I confronted my wife with this. She was upset that I read the notebooks, but not nearly as upset as I am. She insisted that she loves me and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. She also says that everything she wrote was just fictional, and doesn't mean anything about how she really feels. She also said that if she had cheated on me or was planning to, she would tell me at this point since everything is out in the open.

 

I am having a really tough time swallowing this. She has made an appointment with a therapist (four weeks from now), but I am having a tough time being in the same room as her. Today, we didn't exchange a single word with each other.

 

I'd like a little perspective on this. Am I blowing things out of proportion? I get nauseous just thinking about it. I love my wife, but don't know what to do or say.

[melrich]

That is a tough one.

 

People have fantasies, that much is fact. Is it wrong to expect a spouse to never fanatsise about someone else? How public a property should our thoughts be? I don't know.

 

My personal opinion is that expecting your SO to never fantasise about anyone else is probably setting the bar too high and is unrealistic. So is there a big difference between thinking the thoughts and writing them down?

 

In this case I think you have a right to be upset because the fantasy appears to be extensive and quite evolved and is about someone that clearly your wife knows. And that is where the danger lies. If it was about Brad Pitt or Angelina then you could dismiss it as common dreamworld fantasy stuff.

 

Having said all that, I think I would also be inclined to cut her some slack. It does sound from what you have posted that even though she knew the person, these fantasies have stayed firmly in the fantasy world. You should probably discuss with her what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage in relation to this.

[DN]

I assume you knew she was bi-sexual before you married her.

 

It is not unusual for people to fantasise about other people - in fact it is probably more normal that not. Writing them down like that is probably not as normal but some people write to clear their heads and relieve their feelings. Something like posting on here.

 

But couple all that with the change in her behaviour and the depression I think there may be a problem that needs addressing. I would be careful about blaming her for anything at this point until you see what the therapy does for her. If she does have psychological problems then it may be that she is not 'at fault' as such but needs help to get treatment for them.

 

You are in for a rocky ride but I wouldn't get out of the vehicle just yet until you are more sure where it is heading.

[tylercdurden2004]

Yeah at this point its just written word. Some girls like to keep logs of past guys they kissed etc. Its her other actions I would be more concerned about and the fact it invovles someone she is close to. At this point as DN said let her see what therapy does in the meantime talk to her but dont accuse her. Its not a crime to fantasize.

[Anna.]

I don't think you should be mad at her. Alot of women keep journals with ALL their thoughts in it. You can't blame her for that. And you shouldn't be mad b/c of what she thinks about.

AND, you invaded her privacy by reading them anyway. I think it sounds like it's an issue that should be dealt with, but you can't be upset with her.

[confusedinnj]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. I would like to hear if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Also, is the female perspective any different?

 

(Sorry, Anna, I gues we posted at the same time - I didn't see your reply until after I submitted this).

[turkcmilo]

From what you describe it seems to be innocent enough. The mood change is the bigger issue in my opinion and with her family history therapy does seem to be the proper direction. At this point I think she seems to have health issues that you need to be supportive of before any sort of accusations get thrown around in the heat of the moment that you might regret later.

[Rabican]

Having a fantasy or two is normal I would think... pretty tough to control whats going on in someones head. As long as that doesnt progress to 'actions' or that those fantasys dont start affecting your relationship then I wouldnt complain.

 

In your case it may be nothing to worry about. or it could be a big deal... sounds like this has sort of passed by just a fleeting fantasy, into something deeper. Writing the stuff down, wondering what her chances are etc. are sort of a red flag to me. Again, maybe nothing... but it would sure make me question where her heart was in your relationship. If she really is truly interested in this other woman, then you may need to wonder how bad your relationship with your wife has gotten. Maybe time to sit down and see whats going on in each others heads and see what you can do to get her focused on you, and not her boss.

[SarahRose]

Good grief so the woman is not allowed to have any private fantasies nor have her private thoughts in a journal without you snooping?

 

I suppose you never ever look at another woman or look at porn?

 

It would be different if she wrote she was cheating on you.

[tylercdurden2004]

Good grief so the woman is not allowed to have any private fantasies nor have her private thoughts in a journal without you snooping?

 

I suppose you never ever look at another woman or look at porn?

 

It would be different if she wrote she was cheating on you.

 

I think the difference with what you have pointed out and the OP situation is the object of desire is real, where porn is not, and it is someone close to the OPs GF, porn is not. Bad example in my opinion.

 

A better example would be if the OP was writing sexually explicit stuff about someone he knew and was in close contact with. Different story I suspect.

[doyathink]

I wonder......is she questioning her sexuality all of the sudden? Is she depressed because she really wants to be with women instead? This needs to be brought out into the open and soon!

[Slagar]

All I can suggest to the OP, is be as supportive as possible. Remember: you love her. Trust in your wife's words - as she says it was just fictional. Be supportive, talk to her, and be there for her. I know there are a million questions going through your mind at the moment too, but it'll make it easier on her if you just try to relax, and have faith in your wife.

It's not easy, I know, but sometimes there are situations where you just have to trust in the one you really care about. Accept that this is one of those things that you can't really help with - she has to sort this out on her own.

It sounds like your she has some weight on her shoulders; some issues that she really needs to sort out. So do your best to be there for her. She'll thank you for it in the end. And if it were to end sourly? I sincerely hope not, but at least you know you supported her, and did all you could for her in this difficult time.

 

But I really feel that everything will be fine here. She was this way before you met her, and she can't change it. It doesn't mean she loves you any less.

 

Trust her though. For what do we have if not trust?

[craving_normalcy]

You were wrong for reading her private diaries, instead of talking to her about it first...For her to say "I'm having suicidial thoughts" - I would think the FIRST thing you should have done would have been to get her into EMERGENCY counseling (they do have 24/7 hotlines) and work on that. I don't think you wanted to 'snoop' and were just trying to 'dig deeper' into her moods/feelings, but, going through those diaries was kinda out of line. You weren't being malicious, but now, you've opened up a whole new can of worms - she's outraged that you invaded her privacy, and you are scared she might cheat with the woman at work.

 

If you truly love her, you need to stand by her and let her work her problems out. Her keeping a diary of these things is actually VERY healthy -most counselors will tell patients to 'journalize everything'...she probably feels very violated and insecure now that you've read things that were clearly not meant for your eyes.

[DN]

I think it is not overly helpful to continually castigate confusedinnj for reading the diaries. He explained why and has asked for help dealing with it.

 

It may well be that there is nothing more to her journals than a fantasy but he is very concerned, with some justification, that his marriage is in jeopardy because his wife has strong feelings for someone else and I am amazed that some seem to discount his concern.

 

It is wrong to snoop without justification but when his wife admits to thoughts of suicide then his decision was not totally out of line. Nor, in my opinion, is it wrong to snoop if you have other convincing evidence of cheating - that's why private investigators exist.

 

At the moment all he knows for sure is what he has read in her journal - and it is not surprising that would make him doubt her reassurances that all is otherwise well. Especially when she was not consistent in what she said previously - i.e. wanting marital counselling and then changing it to thoughts of suicide.

 

I think more attempts at understanding without so much judging would be helpful to a man fearful of either losing the woman he loves or losing his trust in her.

[confusedinnj]

There are a lot of good opinions here, and I appreciate the input from all of you.

 

Even though I hear every word and understand in my mind, it doesn't make the situation all that much easier to cope with.

 

I thought about a lot of this and told her this morning that I am going to try to ease up a little bit, but I have a lot of questions. I am going to try, but I don't want to be in a situation where I am faking being not hurt or upset. Maybe I just need time to get over it?

 

In the meantime, though, you are right that she needs counseling ASAP. A pastor is not an option, because we are both very un-religious. It is very difficult for me to offer my support at this time because of how I'm currently feeling.

[doyathink]

CD, you have every right in a situation like this to question your partner, you have the right, as her spouse to understand what is going on in her head! Without her telling you want she wants or what she is thinking, how can you help your marriage and her?

 

You can't 'get over' something you simply do not understand! You need answers in order for this marriage to heal and move forward. I hope you and her can find the help you need and that she will sit down and talk to you and tell you what she is thinking and feeling.

[nmduipd]

I think men and women have different approach to fantasies.

 

Men are more likely to turn to porn and consider that to be of less importance than having fantasies about a real person. Think about very popular male fantasy about lesbians.

On the other hand, not many women would fantasize about 2 naked men making out!

 

In my opinion, women more often fantasize about real people, someone from their own environment, quite often, their workplace.

 

But that doesn't make those fantasies any more real!

 

Her fantasies and writing them down are probably pretty much the same to you looking at porn.

 

What exactly bothers you the most, her fantasies or the fact that they are about a woman?