So you think the new guy/gal is so much better...Yeah right!!

[Riggz41510]

By reading so many posts and living my own life story I have come to the conclusion that for so many of us our hearts are constantly at war with our minds.

 

We all know that most of the relationships we were in whether or not we were the dumpee or the dumper that they were not good for us so to speak. So why do we still yearn and miss the people that have "hurt us"? Speaking for myself now, I know my relationship wasn't good and even when we were together I wasn't happy, but now I find myself only thinking about our good times and how the bad really wasn't that bad. Even though I know when we were together I couldn't deal with it!! Why is this??????

 

I think its this big unseen "perfect man/woman" that everyone is searching for. Is any one perfect?? Nope!! For example when I was with my ex she was totally horrible in the kitchen and in the bedroom, she never opened up too me, even after 8 years and a child. Now on the other hand she had a great job and made tons of money so finances were never an issue for her/us..

 

Now on the other hand my new gal is GREAT IN THE KITCHEN AND THE BEDROOM, she totally opens up about her feelings, but she lives pay check to pay check. She is always complaining about money and never has money for us to do anything..

 

Now you see I gained in another area, but lost in another and I think that's what happens most of the time.. DO you agree???

 

Then for the people who started a new fling before you dumped who ever you were with. How is it that you think this new person is so much better than who you were with?? What, cause you guys don't argue?? You have no reason to argue, if you're creeping around with this person.. What, the sex?? I mean if you are hooking up for casual sex without the stress of the day to day relationships(kids, bills, disagreements etc..) of course its going to feel so much better.. What, are they telling you how much the other guy/gal isn't appreciating you and don't know why they would treat you this way? Yeah..Let them try and live with you and go through the day to day issues with you, bet they will be singing another tune..

 

People constantly make the mistake of thinking the new person is so much better than you ex. In reality its not fair because they are not on equal playing fields. Just keep in mind that the dynamics of the relationship aren't equivalent to who ever you were with, so its not fair to compare the two relationships. Its kind of like starting a new job.. You have no reservations about the boss or the employees because its all new you may feel like you're upgrading from your old crappy job, but once you get in there and see how things operate, you may ask yourself "what the hell did I get myself into"?

 

Now for us who have been dumped. I know its so easy to think your ex is with this great, perfect person. Keep in mind that they are human just like you and no one is perfect. You don't know whats going on behind closed doors. Chances are you ex would never tell you there is trouble in paradise, because they wouldn't want you to be secretly smiling on the inside, thinking "ah ha that's what you get"..

 

That's why I chose this for my signature: "We tend to think the grass is greener on the other side, when in all actuality if you would simply just water your own grass it will be just as green"

 

What do you think on this???

[rose2summer]

We all know that most of the relationships we were in whether or not we were the dumpee or the dumper that they were not good for us so to speak. So why do we still yearn and miss the people that have "hurt us"? Speaking for myself now, I know my relationship wasn't good and even when we were together I wasn't happy, but now I find myself only thinking about our good times and how the bad really wasn't that bad. Even though I know when we were together I couldn't deal with it!! Why is this??????

As humans, we always strive and want what we don't have. If the ex was all over you, calling you ever 5 min, you wouldn't want them anymore because they are no longer a challenge. You dwell on the good because that is what drives you back to them, how about writing down all of the bad things/events/characteristics in your post and re-reading it again and again.

[Dako]

Pretty much covers it, except for that pesky love part.

I still can't figure out that detail.

[SilverCloud]

Now for us who have been dumped. I know its so easy to think your ex is with this great, perfect person. Keep in mind that they are human just like you and no one is perfect. You don't know whats going on behind closed doors. Chances are you ex would never tell you there is trouble in paradise, because they wouldn't want you to be secretly smiling on the inside, thinking "ah ha that's what you get"..

 

That's why I chose this for my signature: "We tend to think the grass is greener on the other side, when in all actuality if you would simply just water your own grass it will be just as green"

 

What do you think on this???

 

I was having my doubts today... but your post is exactly what i needed..

 

I do have to say even though i have accepted that my ex is not the one for me, i still feel hurt when i see him happy with the new person.. reason being that when he was with me he treated me like crap.. was on every dating site imaginable... never bothered to call me or anything and yet it was my fault when he was breaking up with me..

 

but now with this new person he has cleaned out all his online postings and that is hurtful cause he claimed that i was the one who broke his heart when i was the one completely devoted to him.

 

I would like him to realize the grass is greener on the otherside theory someday.

 

I know its not good to wish him that but it wasnt fair blaming me either.

[Riggz41510]

I like that quote, however I've also thought...

What if the relationship (represented by the grass in that quote) was a cactus that would rot if watered too much?

You can try to influence growth and change, but if the person is not willing or receptive, nothing is going to get any greener.

 

I totally agree with you though, how no one is perfect. If you're trying to 'get it all' in one relationship, you are most likely going to be disappointed. We're only human after all...

 

I just feel that's one of the big reasons why relationships fail.. Looking for it all..

 

A comedian once said his friend left a guy that didn't have any money for a new guy that was rich.. Now the old guy couldn't afford to pay the electric bill, so the lights got cut out, and she was angry, but with the new rich guy he paid all the bills, but punched her lights outs!!

[RayKay]

Now you see I gained in another area, but lost in another and I think that's what happens most of the time.. DO you agree???

 

No, I don't agree with that statement to be honest. I think that you don't have to settle when it comes to the things that are important to you in a person. My boyfriend is not perfect by any means...and I certainly am not, but neither of us are feeling we wish we had the qualities of this person still in this new person, or could take little bits of so and so and put them with so and so. I don't feel like I have "lost anything" and I am quite positive I have the whole package I want/need in a partner.

 

Of course, I only found that whole package when I figured out what I truly needed and what I would not settle for in the first place. Before that yes, I did tend to settle and "ignore" glaring faults because I too figured you could never find it all. I proved myself wrong though.

 

But I agree 100% that we need to also be realistic. That no one is perfect. That ex's are not perfect either...(the fact they decided to not be committed to you anymore is a pretty big "imperfection"!). That when in an affair it is easy to love the fantasy because you are not living the reality of kids, bills, family, illness and so on.

[nmduipd]

I think you are still in love with your ex.

 

I also agree with your reasoning.

 

But please don't take me wrong, but if your new gal were so great you wouldn't be comparing her with your ex's pay check.

Love is not about comparing qualities and skills. Love is irrational (and thank God for that).

 

In my opinion, 'gaining in one area and losing in another' is something that can apply to your career, not your relationship.

I think you are rationalising – not that there is anything wrong with that.

 

I'm going through a break up right now.

It's really fresh and even though it's not the same as your situation, I can totally relate to your thoughts… or feelings… or whatever that is.

 

In my case, I dumped him. I think I have legitimate reason - he hit me. But who am I to decide what a legitimate reason is?

Dumpers are not always that bad, you know. Break up can hurt them too. A lot.

 

I consciously fight overwhelming desire to call him.

Love is not something that you can just switch off. I've always thought if someone did something what I consider really bad, I would just stop loving him. It doesn't work that way.

 

Just as falling in love with someone is a process, so is falling out of love.

I'd like to think is possible, otherwise I'm doomed ;-)

[Riggz41510]

Ray Kay I hear you..

 

But I see a relationship as two parts emotional and financial.. When I say "emotional" I'm including intimacy, friendship, trust, comminication etc.. But now on the other hand whether or not people want to admit it finances play a big part in a relationship.. I'm not saying you need to be rich, but just comfortable.. And if you're not that can be just as stressful as emotional things..

[RayKay]

Ray Kay I hear you..

 

But I see a relationship as two parts emotional and financial.. When I say "emotional" I'm including intimacy, friendship, trust, comminication etc.. But now on the other hand whether or not people want to admit it finances play a big part in a relationship.. I'm not saying you need to be rich, but just comfortable.. And if you're not that can be just as stressful as emotional things..

 

I never said finances are not important. Finances - or rather the stress among them - is the #1 cause that leads to divorce. Hard to stay "in love" when you are in debt past your eyeballs and getting even further into it.

 

What I said was you should not have to settle. If your partner is horrible at budgeting, and finances, and that is important to you....you should not have to settle and be with someone whom is horrible at finances. You can find the emotional and practical, needs/wants in someone, without trading in one side for another.

[tylercdurden2004]

You can try to influence growth and change, but if the person is not willing or receptive, nothing is going to get any greener.

 

Yup. I reality in order for a person to change they have to have all the info possible (knowing what they want) and they have to have an open mind. Of course there are varying degrees of both.

 

I think the knowing what one wants part is key though. Its often thought if someone doesnt know what they want they are more easily influenced.

 

However there is a difference between not knowing what you want in general and not knowing you want a particular thing. People who dont know what they want in life often spend the majority of their time "grasping." You see this in particualr with people who bounce from realtionship to relationship.

 

Of course, I only found that whole package when I figured out what I truly needed and what I would not settle for in the first place. Before that yes, I did tend to settle and "ignore" glaring faults because I too figured you could never find it all. I proved myself wrong though.

 

 

Too true especially with the settling and ignoring glaring faults. Its like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[Riggz41510]

You may be very right on this.. As I said in an other post.. Finances play a big role in a relationship. But I still feel you can gain in one area of a relationship and lose in another.. For example, It can be sexual, one lover could be better than the other, but that doesn't mean you don't love them.. The simple fact is that they are not equal to what you had before..

[RayKay]

You may be very right on this.. As I said in an other post.. Finances play a big role in a relationship. But I still feel you can gain in one area of a relationship and lose in another.. For example, It can be sexual, one lover could be better than the other, but that doesn't mean you don't love them.. The simple fact is that they are not equal to what you had before..

 

 

I don't think you have found the right person until you have stopped comparing them to everyone else - past and present, to be honest. If you are thinking about what is not equal, and so on and so on...you either have a lot of healing to do before moving on to date others...or you are with the wrong person.

 

When you are with the right one, you don't even think about what they "don't have". They may not be perfect, but they are perfect for YOU. It just fits.

[Riggz41510]

I never said finances are not important. Finances - or rather the stress among them - is the #1 cause that leads to divorce. Hard to stay "in love" when you are in debt past your eyeballs and getting even further into it.

 

What I said was you should not have to settle. If your partner is horrible at budgeting, and finances, and that is important to you....you should not have to settle and be with someone whom is horrible at finances. You can find the emotional and practical, needs/wants in someone, without trading in one side for another.

 

OK.. But what if on the other hand you are great at budgeting and finances. Do you help them or do you just walk away, because you feel they suck at it?

[RayKay]

OK.. But what if on the other hand you are great at budgeting and finances. Do you help them or do you just walk away, because you feel they suck at it?

 

That depends on whether they WANT to work on it.

 

Some are careless with money as they never learned good habits but want to learn, and want to be responsible. They just never learned or were never taught. This is workable.

 

Some are careless with it as they don't CARE to learn good habits because they believe money is to be spent NOW, not to be saved. And to spend money they don't even have...to spend before their "payday" in other words. THAT can be a much tougher situation to deal with.

[Riggz41510]

When you are with the right one, you don't even think about what they "don't have". They may not be perfect, but they are perfect for YOU. It just fits.

RayKay,

 

I love that right there.. I may have to steal that saying and use it.. Of course I will give you credit for it..LOL

 

I guess I'm a little weird.. I compare everything and not just in love, but in other aspects of my life. guess its just me!!!

 

I guess over analyzing things can be just as bad as not analyzing at all..Ted Kaczynski(Una Bomber) was clinically a genius, but he over analyzed to much which made him crazy!!! LOL

[RayKay]

When you are with the right one, you don't even think about what they "don't have". They may not be perfect, but they are perfect for YOU. It just fits.

RayKay,

 

I love that right there.. I may have to steal that saying and use it.. Of course I will give you credit for it..LOL

 

I guess I'm a little weird.. I compare everything and not just in love, but in other aspects of my life. guess its just me!!!

 

I guess over analyzing things can be just as bad as not analyzing at all..Ted Kaczynski(Una Bomber) was clinically a genius, but he over analyzed to much which made him crazy!!! LOL

 

Ah, steal it all you want. I am sure I stole it from someone too

 

I would not say weird, it's pretty normal I think. We SHOULD think out pros, cons and all that when we look at a situation. My boyfriend is the same way...he is VERY logical thinking and needs to know "all the facts" (he's an engineer...so it fits his personality!).

 

But, yes...sometimes....after we have made sure the landing is clear; we just have to say enough, close our eyes and jump for it.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think it terms of finances its the "lack of control" that leads to problems more than the lack of money.

[shes2smart]

Actually, I always heard it...."The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but there's still (crap) in the yard."

 

It's not a matter of perfection. Some people's weirdness just matches your weirdness better than others. Both I and my husband are far from perfect. But the things in my habits/personality that drove my exes nuts don't bug him....the things about his habits/personality that made his exes crazy don't bother me.

[nmduipd]

You can’t have it all.

The thing with love is: you DON'T WANT it all. You want the person you love and you are prepared to work on any issues you have – those issues don’t even look so important.

 

Finances are important as a basis.

If you don’t have money, that can be a serious problem.

If you do, that doesn’t make you happy as such. You still need all those other things you mentioned.

 

I’m great at budgeting and finances and I did all the work for my (now ex) bf. Practically I was his financial advisor. I was happy to do that and he was grateful.

Maybe it’s enough if one of you is good in the kitchen or at finances.

 

If only one of you is good at being open – that can be a problem.

[HOPELESSINCT]

Well, you asked my opinion so I will give it to you. You are a very wise person. Your right, if I would take my heart out of the situation and just leave it to my brain, my relationship with my x was exhausting. There were days I thought what the heck am I doing here. There were days I just wanted to go home or have him go home. He has to be the most negative person that ever walked this earth and I started to take on that negativity. Thanks for the reality check. Still hurts because good or bad, it was mine but I'll keep coming back to your post every time I start slipping into "I lost the love of my life thing." I like the grass is greener too. Thanks for the great post.

[Riggz41510]

Well, you asked my opinion so I will give it to you. You are a very wise person. Your right, if I would take my heart out of the situation and just leave it to my brain, my relationship with my x was exhausting. There were days I thought what the heck am I doing here. There were days I just wanted to go home or have him go home. He has to be the most negative person that ever walked this earth and I started to take on that negativity. Thanks for the reality check. Still hurts because good or bad, it was mine but I'll keep coming back to your post every time I start slipping into "I lost the love of my life thing." I like the grass is greener too. Thanks for the great post.

 

I'm glad that my words were able to make you feel better.. I also too know the feeling of being in love and it not being healthy for you.. Just take it day by day.. You will have some good days and some bad days, but as time goes on you will notice you are having more good than bad..

 

When the bad comes just take it.. I noticed that crying helps me.. I feel so relieved after I cry.. I don't do it in front of people, when I'm around friends and family I stand tall like the The Rock of Gibraltar, but boy when I get home I let it out..

 

Good luck if you ever want to chat..I'm here fro you..

 

Your new friend in the Bay Area!!

[Scout]

You can't have it all.

The thing with love is: you DON'T WANT it all. You want the person you love and you are prepared to work on any issues you have – those issues don't even look so important.

 

That is so true.

[lizzieluvsdavid]

No one is perfect....BUT there are people that are perfect for each other. I believe in soulmates. I believe everything happens for a reason. I broke up with my live in boyfriend of 8 months because I was not "in-love" with him. I do love him and we have fun together but I just can never see myself falling "in love" with him. He doesn't give me that butterfly feeling....it's more like we are best friends. We never fight, we live together and things are great....but I need that feeling. He never talks about his feelings and in the beginning of our relationship neither one of us wanted to fall in love because of our past relationships. I thought he still felt the same way. He never told me he loved me or that he was in love with me...which I didn't need to hear if I felt it....but I don't and it's not fair to him. So, after telling him how I felt...his reaction was that he IS in love with me and he guarded his feelings because of his past relationships. It was really hard, knowing that I was hurting him but I just can't stay knowing that my soulmate is out there somewhere...that person that is perfect for me. I feel horrible but I had to be honest. Is it wrong to throw something good away because you don't have the butterfly feeling?

[crvers]

They may not be perfect, but they are perfect for YOU. It just fits.

 

Goodwill Hunting - "You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other. "

 

Me being a movie dork and all. Its close, thats all. lol

[Aurian]

I loved my ex. He wasn't perfect, but I accepted his faults. Fault after fault after fault after fault.

 

Did he accept my faults? No. Did he accept my strengths? No. He abused me instead.

 

Anyone I love who respects me, loves me and treats me well will be a million times better than him.

 

They can have faults. Nobody's perfect. They do however, need to be committed to the relationship and to the other person.