i need some advice

[grace1983]

Hi, my name is grace. i need some advice.

 

i love my boyfriend so much it hurts, i have never been in love before and am amazed at its power. he can be so loving, he can be so generous and everyone thinks he is wonderful.

 

unforyunately, he has another side which he has warned me about. He hit his ex girlfriend, he controlled her and manipulated her and he was upfront about all this. i am an intelligent girl, i should have seen this and left him but i love him.

 

i pissed him off the other day and he went to hiot me but stopped himself, instead he dragged me 10 feet on the floor by my hair. i could be pregnant as we are trying for a baby. this upset me so much i was hysterical, he knows that my mum used to hit me and he knows that all i want from him is security and stability.

 

then yesterday, a week after the dragging, we were having an argument in the car and i said i didnt think it was going to work out between us. i didnt mean it, i didnt even think too much about it before i sais it because i so deaperately want it to work. As soon as i had said it he hit me in the head, he hit me so hard and kept on hittion in the same place. i put my arms up when i realised he wasnt stopping as i could feel my brain hitting the sides of my head it was awful.

 

i begged him to stop, i kept saying "i love you, why are you doing this, please stop" over and over. He really hurt my head and my arm.

 

I got back, lay on the bed and cried. i cried bacause i had an awful headache, my arm hurt, i love him and he has just destroyed ll the security i felt with him., i felt so protected before, he said if anyone ever hurt me he would kill them so how could he hurt me?

 

i said all this to him, i looked into his eyes and i cried. he sat in silence looking back at me. i cried so much my eyes hurt. i held his hand and kept asking why.

 

he apologised to me, he said it wouldnt happen again, he said he didnt want to do it, its just that i stressed him out. he said he hit me so many times because id made hom hit me once and that pissed him off even more.

 

im still here, hoping he will change but in my heart of hearts i dont think he will. i think he will hit me again but i dont want to believe it because i love him soooooooo much. i really really do.

 

what do i do? i want to live with him and love him forever but an=m i being really dissillusioned in thinking that he may change?

 

help.

[RayKay]

Hey Grace,

 

Sorry, but there is no polite or easy way to put this...you are being abused and you are a victim, and you are stuck in a victim mentality. He will not change, at least not without professional help and a LOT of time...but not with you.

 

And...you absolutely MUST stop "trying for a baby" and I hope you are not pregnant. Did you know abusers often even become WORSE during pregnancy and after the child is born? Would you want a child of yours to be abused?

 

You are NOT going to find "security and stability", this is not love...love does not hit, push, shove, kick, call us names...or abuse us. It is NOT your fault, and the fact he does blame you for making him angry is absolutely a classic abuser move.

 

Yes, you are not seeing it for what it is. I am sure you feel you love him, but no matter what he says he does NOT love you. This is NOT love on his part...he would NEVER EVER hurt you if he loved you.

 

You MUST get out of this situation..talk to us, talk to your parents, friends for support...but you NEED to get out of this situation. More than one woman on this site can tell you how they were in your shoes and stayed hoping for change...and barely escaped with their lives.

 

RayKay

[southerngirl]

I must agree with RayKay. YOu are being abused. As an abuse survivor myself I can assure you , I know exactly how it felt to be beaten.

 

 

I am lucky to be alive. Please get out, while your at it, get a restraining order and start a new life keeping strict no contact.

 

With mine he got even worse after I left, he even served time in jail for the beating he gave me and the bruises he put on our 14 month old son. Dont have a baby with this man. I know what that is like too. I have not seen him in 7 years and to this day I fear ever seeing him again.

[grace1983]

i really arent stupid, i can see that i should leave him i really can. i know deep down that he will probably do it again. i knew as soon as it happened that it was over. im clinging in to a tiny spark of light because i truly love him. it is such a shame that this happened, i wish with all my heart he wasnt like that.

 

its amazing how caring he can be. for those first few months i thought he was my saviour, that he would never do anything to hurt me. we even discussed what he had done to his ex and i asked him if he would ever hurt me. i was worried, especially after the abuse i had from my mother. he said he never would but he has. i still cant believe he did it, im so sad.

 

i said to him last night "maybe its just me" seen as though my mum hit me and now him. he said yes, it is me because im stupid, ive no common sense and im thick. im really not, ive been to college, i have qualifications. im a pretty girl, i used to have a social life and i am no different from any other happy go lucky 23 year old.

 

now i cant even see my friends anymore because he has labelled them as slags, i can see that i am being manipulated, i really can. he has made it so that my whole universe revolves around him. he controls my life. the other day he took me out for some clothes, he held my hand as we walked around the shops and picked out some outfits for me. we spent a lot of money but i realised when i was unpacking them that he had chosen most of them for me, its like the old me has been moulded into what he wants. he has improved the way i look, when i lived at home i couldnt afford new clothes, now i have designer labels, but that is not the point. i feel im being changed.

 

the old me is still in there, screaming at me to put amn end to this. i know what you are all writing makes perfect sense and youre right but i love him. i want him to change. i want us to be happy.

 

i need an inner strength.

 

can somebody please help me undersytand why he has hit me? why would he do that when i love him so much?

 

how could he do that to me? im so fragile, i have the most delicate frame, he must have known it would hurt. why has he done this when all i wanted to do was love him and look after him and make him happy? why did it happen with my mum and now him? it seems if i love someone they hurt me, i dont understand it.

 

the thing that sounds the most crazy in my head is when he hurt me and i was upset, i was so so heartbroken that he had done this, all i wanted was for him to cuddle me and look after me (which he did) . why would i want that after what he had done?

 

please help me understand him and understand myself. love is clouding my thoughts.

[southerngirl]

It was not my fault all the times my mother hit me. All the times she called me names. It was not my fault.

 

I then found another abuser who I was with for close to 5 years before I finally left, at one point I said ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

 

YOu deserve better. It is NOT your fault. He does this because he is seriously sick. He needs help from a professional, but with you long gone. If you really want to help him, leave. Protect yourself because statistics show that he will do this again and again and again, and when you leave he will do this again to another woman.

[RayKay]

He hit you because he is an abuser. It's nothing you DID. However, he will try to convince you it is (him calling you stupid, cutting you off from friends are all ways to convince you it is your fault, especially when there is no one to tell you that he is hurting you).

 

You are addicted to the cycle...you seek his approval after he hurts you as you have a need to feel reassured again. This is again, a classic cycle of being an abuse victim. And it will never stop...he will hurt you, then be nice, then hurt you....and it will escalate. You need to end it by leaving.

 

It does not matter if you love him, or don't, he's an abuser. Your love will NOT change that.

 

He also targeted you as you WERE abused in the past...those whom are abused are often targets for abusers.

 

You need to end this relationship NOW, tell your family(not mom)/friends, get a restraining order immediately and cut off contact. AND...get yourself into therapy. You need to develop your own strength again, and deal with these issues you have, so you do NOT get into another abusive relationship.

 

Honey, I mean it, you need to get out...your life literally depends on it.

[DN]

If you live in the UK please call this freephone domestic violence assistance number - I am sure you will get some advice and assistance.

 

0808 2000 247

[Siriana]

This abusing he is doing to you is not something that has to do with you. This is only about him beeing a monster. You don't understand why is he doing it because you would never done that to him. And you need to stop questioning why? Ask yourself how long am I prepared to wait he will change? How hurt am I? how many times does he need to hit me before I get to my senses? You know he is hitting you really awfully - he might broke your arm next time.

 

And you are planning on having a baby with him? Come on, this is not going to change things - it will make them worse. Imagine how a small baby can easily get hurt. And don't start by telling how he would never hit a baby. He would. After all night of crying he would do that.

 

Now I really don't know how to tell you or explain to you that you need to run as fast as you can. I really don't know.

The fact you are into this relationship is because of your childhood experiences. Your mom was hitting you and now he is hitting you.

 

Look I think it is a really bad excuse telling I love him, so I choose to stay a little bit more! It is not important it is important you beeing safe.

 

When I was reading your post I was horrified by the way he hits you. I felt like I was there.

 

Please google about abusive relationships. You need to learn about abusing cycles. This is the most important thing because you will see that his behaviour is really tipical for abusive person. It has a sheme and it never changes.

[grace1983]

ive got myself into a mess here. i cant believe i let it get this far, i should have stopped it ages ago.

 

i can see what he has done, its been gradual, stopping me from talking to my friends, cutting me off from people who will look out for me. changing ,my appearance, telling me im stupid when im not.

 

one minute hes picking at me for this or that, physical things (nobodys perfect!) then he tells me im beautiful. you are absolutely right, he is hurting me and then making it rght, i can see it. its so obvious.

 

i wish i didnt love him, it would be so easy then., i feel stupid for still caring about him. he is a troubled soul and i hope i can find the strength to walk away. i hope i can.

 

i have no money, no job, not many places to turn, nowhere to live. where do i start?

[grace1983]

can anybody tell me why he has ended up like this? is it so,mething that has happened in his past or is he just like that?

 

how can he be so nice 99% of the time? he calls me sweetheart and darling and such lovely things, he cuddles me and tells me he loves me. hes so gentle in front of pther people, he talks about the future and things like that. im finding it really difficult to see the truth because i love him so much.

 

please understand me, im not disregarding what you have all said to me, i thank you so much for the communication. i haveny had an outlet for months, this is really helping me get things into some kind of perspective. i just cant seem to stop myself trying to justify what he has done to me.

 

all day i have been remembering snippets of what happened. when he put his hands around my throat (whenb he had dragged me and i went hysterical) he could have so easily killed me. he went to punch me in the face that night but stopped himself, i looked right into his eyes as he was above me, i was crying. he looked so nasty, i was so vulnerable. i said to him please dont, i love you, and he dragged me instead. he said it was me that made him do it, it wasnt me at all. its him isnt it.

 

he just came in the room. im doing some work for him on the computer. he called me a * * * *head because i got something wrong. he cant love me can he?

 

i dont want him to be with anyone else, i love him. this is so hard.

[Bethany]

Ever seen a puppy dog being kicked and abused only to see it run straight back to the owner for them for make them better?. That's you Grace. This isn't about love, its about hurt and pain and the constant need for the abuser to take it away.

 

A good, decent, caring man would not do that to anyone or anything..This man isn't any of those things. He probably feels it's not even his fault as he warned you about what he is like which kind of gives him permission to do this whenever he feels likes and if you stay you will just be re-inforcing this to him. I sense a lot more beatings to come for you so you need to stop this and tell him that it is unacceptable to you and leave him. Do this publicly, or with friends/family, if you are afraid of his reaction but do it as soon as possible.

[Bethany]

He was messed up before he even met you, don't feel responsible, it's not your fault. And no I don't think he can ever love you. All he knows is how to hurt and weaken you to make you stay.

[grace1983]

what you are all saying makes sense it really does. i am like the puppy dog, it all fits, i just wish it wasnt so.

 

hes my first love, its a massive feeling. its a scary thought to go it alone.

 

i wish id never fallen in love. i tried hard to stop myself because i was scared of getting hurt, i never dreamt it would be like this. ive always said that if any man ever hit me id be straight out of there so why am i not gone?

 

he said to me last night that he once hit his son, a four year old, because he did something wrong. just because he hit him doesnt mean he doesnt love him, they were his exact words. he says he loves me but he cant can he.

 

all i wanted was love, stability and reassurance. now its all * * * *ed

[celticghirl]

i was exactly like you grace. i had this view that if a man hit me i would be out of there in a heart beat but i stayed on for 6 months of that. its not worth it. walk away and it will get better.

 

i never thought i would be happy again after that but i have finally found someone i can rely on and have the things that you are wanting. the only way that can happen is if you walk away. you need to before he really hurts you badly.

 

leah

[grace1983]

i have to log off now until tomorrow because i do not want him to find out about my leaving posts on here. he will go mad.

 

please leave me a reply if you are reading this, i will check them in the morning. its really good to know that i am sharing with people who know where im coming from. i crave the contact.

 

thankyou,

 

Grace.x

[ultraviolet]

Grace, My heart goes out to you and reading your painful recount of what he's done to you brought tears to my eyes. No matter what he says (whether it's about you or some awful childhood he supposedly has), there is no excuse for laying a hand on you in anything but a loving manner.

 

So why does he hit? Because it gets him what he wants - CONTROL. How can he hit you knowing that you love him and what an abusive childhood you had? The answer is when he's raging, he's not thinking about anyone else but himself as the "victim". Note: You can justify almost any heinous behavior - stealing, adultery, abuse, genocide - if you see yourself as a victim. Don't believe it. No matter what life deals us, we always have the choice to treat one another with love, kindness, and respect.

 

So... does he love you? Even if he does, his behavior shows what's really important to him - CONTROL vs. love. Is this how you want to be "loved"? Is this the kind of father you want raising your baby?

 

I was reading posts earlier today and thought you might find this link posted by NotTooGreen helpful. Please take a look at the abuse forum here at enotalone. There's a wealth of information there about how to find help through your local women's shelter. (If you don't know who to contact, your local Y should be able to put you into touch with the right people.)

 

link removed

 

More about why and how we excuse the abuse when it's happening to us.

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[grace1983]

how old are you leah? i just feel i may be sounding a little childish with all this "i love him" stuff. i do though, i cant understand myself. i dont want him to hurt me, i need him to love me.

Does it make sense to you that when he hurts me all i want him to do is cuddle me? is this the cycle? i want to understand.

[grace1983]

i wish this wasnt happening to me. were going out for something to eat now and i know how lovely he is going top be and maybe for a little while i will forget what has happened and everything will be perfect but then i will remember and i will realise that he is not who i thought he was.

 

i keep thinking a week ago it was all alright but it wasnt, its just that a week ago he hadnt hit me yet. he has controlled me all the way through. i find it astounding that he can be so wonderful yet so awful on the flip side.

 

he makes me laugh so much, when he holds me i feel so loved but i cant be can i. it cant be real love or he wouldnt have hurt me, i couldnt hurt a hair on his head no matter what happened bacause i absolutley love him,. thats how i can tell he doesnt feel the same

[celticghirl]

i am 18 years old. my ex is 24. my ex was amazing for the first four months of our relationship but he began to change and he became really horrible towards me.

 

he hit me a lot grace. why? because i let him get away with it the first time. i didnt walk. what made it worse is that he was a police officer and he used that as a weapon against me. i almost considered killing myself because he made me feel so low about myself. he dumped me and went back to his ex yet he didnt leave me alone.

 

i have had to resort to calling his boss and complain and i am living in fear. i have a boyfriend who is amazing and caring but i cant help but feel that my ex will still try to hurt me. he feels like he has the upper hand because HE dumped ME. he felt he still had power over me.

 

dont make the mistake i did. please walk away. feel free to PM me.

 

leah

[grace1983]

leah,

 

i already did the suicide thing. 86 paracetamol and a bottle of wine. im lucky to be here. thats a whole different story but he is involved, it is a long story, i will tell you tomorrow cos im going to get some tea now. it wont let me pm you for some reason, is it because i only just registered?

 

cant msn you either, im not allowed to use it because he knows all my friends go on there.

 

thankyou, i have a lot to think about. i need a good night's rest. he knows im upset about something, hes trying to be very nice to me. this is a horrible situation, i hate loving him so much.

[celticghirl]

take care of yourself now. when your pm gets activated please do send me one if you need to talk.

 

night night grace. i am going to get some rest too.

 

leah

[Scotcha]

You've gotten some really good advice and I'm at a loss of what more to add.. Other than that you deserve better and you NEED to get out..

 

But please, before you log, if you are afraid of him finding out you were on... Delete the history from your browser.

[Siriana]

It is not important that you love him. Sometimes you can love someone who's not good for you.

I know that you wish he will change. He will not.

The longer you stay, the harder it is for you to leave. Because he is going to ruin your self esteem and isolate you more from your friends. Be carefull. I am sure that your friends would accept you back if the knew what's happening. You asked where to go? How about calling a good friend of yours and asking for a place to stay?

And read on the net how to get rid on an abuser. This has to be done carefully.

[MI_Shell]

You did not make him hit you. This man has a serious problem and you are not the problem. Someone this violent could cause you extreme danger. No matter how hard it is you must leave him. It may not be what you want to hear.

 

Leave when he is out. Make some phone calls, is there a womens info line you can ring to start making some enquiries and find somewhere to go. The sooner you leave the better you will feel and you may find a special place for women where people are trained to help people in your situation. It may not be easy but you can do this be brave.

[southerngirl]

What about family, can you go to them? What about your friends, if you told them what was going on would they let you go to them?

 

You have to get out of this, it can and does get alot worse. He could end your life. He will get worse if he thinks you are leaving, so when you leave you have to do it in such a way that he does not even know you are going. Then RUN and dont ever go back no matter what he tries. Sometimes love isnt enough.