Desperately need advice!!!!!

[signed xxx]

Beec,

 

You are good!! You are right that I don't feel loved, I don't feel needed, I don't feel like he wants me anymore. I have been rejected so many times, I hate the feeling of being rejected and I don't want to go through it anymore. I'm scared to let my guard down again. I love him I just don't feel in love with him. If that makes any sense. So just let it be then? What else can I say?

[Beec]

Well, now that you can sit there and realize that you do love him, but don't feel loved, don't feel in love, then tell him that darn it (and I cleaned that up). If you love your man, and feel emotion for him, then *&^$%#(&$ do it. Love him. Now. You told him that you felt nothing for him, and that's not true. Well, let him know, you do, you do feel something. You know something is missing, great tell him, but you also know you do love him and that you want whatever is mising, sure you do, but you want it from him. And then leave him alone.

 

I was trying to get you to change your apporach without telling him you were going to do so. Now, you have no choice. You told him. But in doing so, you rejected him. I know you have felt rejected, but the words that came out of your mouth rejected him plain and simple.

 

So, yes, I would like to see you counteract that, and you do that by loving him, not in the sense of how you feel, but in what you do. So *$#& (*^$@ tell him that you do love him and that you want to feel loved by him and grab him and kiss him, and then go and leave him alone. Demonstrably, walk off, calmly, seemingly in a good mvoe, but walk off.

 

Have you ever watched Grey's Anatomy? Did you see the episode in which to model dated the other male intern, and he did not kiss her, then he kissed her at the bar right before the episode ended?

[hardcharger]

>Hardcharger, You are right about there being a lot to think about being that there are kids involved.

 

yes and no. you are doing the right thing in thinking about the kids first. you do that, then you have to move forward. what gets me is people who seem not to give a whoot about the kids. All of us can only take so much, it is easy for me to say, because I have had terrible, terrible times in my marriage, yet we always seem to cool off and get together and move on after a few days. But could I live in a bad marriage, day after day, with no end in sight? I don't think so. How long have you been married? Do you feel compatable, mostly?

 

Also, we have a huge thing going on here with likely infidelity? That could be the deal breaker. Don't let any of us tell you what to do, you have to weight all the options and all the advice and figure how to proceed by yourself or with the help of someone close who really knows the situation. I do know and do believe, that if two people seriously look at themselves where they could be wrong and try to move forward together, anything is possible, but if he is totally closed, totally cold, there may be no end in sight.

[signed xxx]

Beec,

I do watch greys anatomy. I'm into those shows I'm a funeral director in training. I have told him how I feel so many times, do you think that if I say it again it will make a difference? I always tell him how I feel be it good or bad. I have never held back how I feel from him. He knows how I feel. I have tried to kiss him and he turns his face on me, that hurts like hell and I don't want to hurt like that. I'm afraid to be rejected again and I know I'm going to get upset and what if it makes things worse in how I feel. I love him, I don't want anything to happen to him. On Sunday he got a bad migraine and got really dizzy to the point where he couldn't walk straight. I got scared and took him the the ER, thanksfully he only had an ear infection. So I care about him but I don't FEEL anything. Maybe because he hasn't touched me in so long. I don't know. You have no idea how scared I am of being rejected. It's like a slap in the face.

[signed xxx]

Hardcharger,

My girls are everything to me. I have even asked my husband not to leave we can live as roommates for the sake of my daughters. If he finds someone to make him happy then we can sell our home and buy a two family house so that we can still live in the same house just so that my girls won't suffer. A long time ago he told me that he'll stick by me no matter what because he doesn't want to lose his girls. I was hurt by that statement but I assured him that he would never lose his girls. They are very attached to him and I would hate for them to miss him or go to bed knowing that their dad isn't here. Like I said before those girls are what have stopped me from leaving him. I could've walked out a long time ago but I feel for my babies. We've been married for 5 years but dated and lived together for 11 years before we got married (total of 16 years together). As far as being compatable we were so young when we got together that we have a lot of the same interests. In these 16 years the only time I was unfaithful was that 1 kiss with my ex. and I wrote before that I told him I wasn't going to talk to him or see him because I needed to fix this mess with my marriage. As far him being unfaithful he was the first year we started dating and he was with her for a year and half but we were kids and I have put that behind us. I have no idea if he has someone now. I'm an easy going wife, he goes out with the guys to clubs and bar hopping, he's gone away for weekends to miami. I don't feel like he's cheating, I don't go through his things lilek his wallet, email, cell phone. I have never checked anything so is it possible sure but I don't know.

[Beec]

Well, I bring up the point of Grey's Anatomy for one reason. The episode that involved Izzy going on date with the other male intern (not her whimpy rommmate). She was mad because she did not get kissed. And at the end, he walks into the bar, grabs her, forcefully, kisses her, then props her back up and says good night. Now, at that time at that moment, he gave to her and asked for nothing in return. It really blew her away.

 

When you have given to him, you got rejected. Why? Because you have asked for things from him. You go up to him make a move on him and expect a response. While if you went up to him, showed him affection and asked for nothing, then you would have a whole different story. There is a tremendous difference between giving him attention and expecting nothing, and giving him it to get some yourself. I know we all need some, but they way to get it is to give without looking for it.

 

Yesterday you told him you felt nothing for him, and as we posted earlier today, that's not true. It's just not, you love him. What you are doing is going into your shell, within your marriage, so you don't feel rejected anymore. You're hiding from your pain so to speak, trying to isloate yourself from it. So, you still love him, but you don't want to hurt anymore.

 

You and your husband are in a downward spiral. I think that his changes are probably not much about you. Men are not normally like that, and he seems to have been hurt by what you said. You also should note that what you told him, in so many words was for him to change, that is in itself rejecting him. So you got him back, didn't you. When someone says that "we need to work on our relationship," what they really mean is the other person needs to change.

 

So you both have been rejected, and the whole darn thing is going to spiral out of control. Unless one of you begins to put a stop to it, and you signed xxx are in as good a position as he is to begin. How you put a stop to it is by loving him.

 

I am not talking about the emotional, romantic sense of the word. That sense is easy. It's nothing because when you feel it, you don't want to keep it in. I am talking about the sense of how you treat someone. Someone in your relationship is going to have to stick their own neck out once more and treat someone with lvoe and caring, or the spiral will continue. And the likeliest way that treating them that way will result in having things change is that the person who risks rejection will have to try it and expect nothing.

 

And, let me ask another question or two. Do you think he does not know something is missing? Do you think he does not want to be in a hot and heavy romantic relationship? Of course he does want to come home and find his wife there and feel like he cannto wait to go jump her bones. But he doesn't feel that. He probably does not know why, but he doesn't. Do you know why? One big reason is that you are not doing the things that will create those feelings in him. What feelings will? Some, I have been trying to tell you. Others, you should be trying to figure out. What has happened however is that you did not figure it out, you kept trying to do that same thing, again and again, it didn't work and you both got frustrated. It's time to break the cycle.

 

The way to begin to it show caring for him, and let him know you love him, with words, soon. You can at the same time tell him you don't think you are in love with him, but let him know you want to be. And then leave it alone for a little while.

 

Yes, you are risking rejection. But sometimes love requires that from us. Unless soemthing is wrong with him medically, I think this man could be everythign you want him to be. You just got into a bad cycle, and no one knew how to break it. The longer it has gone, the worse it has gotten. It's time to break the cycle.

[signed xxx]

Beec,

 

I thought by telling him how I felt I was being honest. I felt that if I told him the truth then maybe he can open up to me and tell me how he feels. That didn't happen I didn't do it to get back at him. I have no idea why he's been this way or what triggered it. It's funny you say I'm going into my shell My sign is cancer. You know Beec, I don't know if this falls into giving without wanting back, before things got this bad at the beginning of this mess. I used to always give him oral sex and expect nothing in return because I knoew I wasn't going to get anything. I was ok with that becasue I knew that I was still trying even though he didn't want to. Shortly after that he started saying no to that and pull me back away from him. When he goes to bed he gives me his back about 2 weeks ago I put my arm around him and he took my arm off of him, I turned around and cried myself to sleep. I've asked him do think something is worng with our relationship and about a year ago he would say no i think everything is good and now I get no reply. Maybe he's going through something but I wish he would share so that I can help him through it. I wish I knew what he was feeling because I would love for him to come home and want me. When he gets home I'm always in the kitchen getting dinner ready, I would give anything for him to come in and grab me, kiss me and be happy to see me. When we go to bed tonight I will talk to him and do what you said. Hopefully, tongiht can be a new night, a new change for us. Beec, thank you so much for all your input! you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I have no one to talk to. I have my mom and sibilings but my sister has a huge mouth and I have never been able to please my mother in anything I do. So I don't dare talk to them about something so personal. So again, I really appreciate all your input.

[Beec]

Look, you are welcome for anything I tell you. I see some new details here, but nothing changes what I would suggest for you to do, right now. Say one or two sentences and then drop it. Let is go, and don't expect things to change over night. It took a long time for the two of you to get to this stage, it is not going to change over night.

 

For a while, you are quite possibly going to have a roommate and not a lover. And I don't know that everything will turn out honkydory, but I know it cannot keep going as it is going. Basically, I would tell you that you probably have to begin some aspects of your relationship with your husband all over again. I will also recommend manipulating him, but not in an unloving way. You may have much to learn about that and may also need to figure out your limits.

 

The thing you told me about oral sex does give me one idea, which may or may not be the case. It seems to me that you possibly made yourself less valueable sexually, during the time when you were performing oral on him but not getting anything back. He got to take you for granted. Someone that is less valueable sexually and which can be taken for granted is not someone you want. So, we need to change this idea in his head. In oder to do this, it is time for you to become independent and aloof, to not appear to need him for much at all. And soon, you will need to adopt an attitude that he is as dumb as a horsefly for not wanting to come home and jump your bones. You might not think it, but it's time to start acting like it. And that should be accompanied by an attitude that your battery-operated-boyfriend ("BOB") does a better job than he ever did and you are glad he requires no effort. You shouldn''t tell him these things, but begin to act like you think them.

 

It's time to leanr about seducing your husband, and if you play it right, it is quite possible that he just won't know what hit him.

[signed xxx]

Beec,

I will try tonight and I will let you know what happens. He's almost home and I have to go finish dinner. Have a great night and thanks again.

[Beec]

Beec,

I will try tonight and I will let you know what happens. He's almost home and I have to go finish dinner. Have a great night and thanks again.

 

You're welcome. Hope it helps. I am on here because I enjoy doing this and because I lern from it. Don't expect immediate reactions. Have good night.

[Rabican]

I would simply tell him that if he doesnt CHANGE then you are going to have to go. Saying hes gonna change, and doing it are two different things. I couldnt be in a sexless, passionless, no communication marriage. You have a right to be happy, see if you can make a change, find out why hes acting the way he is... but if it doesnt change... then get a divorce. Im sure your kids would be better off with a happy divorced family, than an unhappy married one.

 

And dont cheat on your man. Either fix the marriage, or end it. But dont move onto the next guy (or the last one) while you are still married.

[Rabican]

NO offense, but are you even a guy? Cmon man, men shouldnt require combination lock and a set of keys to get us into sex. Even if im not in the mood im always willing to get 'up to the task' if my girl is in the mood. It sounds like he is doing NOTHING on his end to fix the dead sex life, and lack of communication. Im sorry but if sexy lingerie, or some role playing or something like that isnt gonna get him in the mood, then theres something seriously amiss here.

 

I would try this, go get yourself a sexy maids outfit and let your man come home to you cleaning up the house nekkid. If that doesnt work... get a divorce.

beec I know you mean well with the advice.. but really she shouldnt be trying this hard to have sex with her husband. This isnt high school trying to get some on prom night ya know?

[Beec]

Rabican, you're not all men. Some men don't keep that drive. Some do. Stop thinking your 26 year old experience is the same thing that all men experience through out thier lives. I don't think I've got that experience or ever will, and I've been having sex for more years than you've known what the word sex meant.

[annie24]

It is a myth that men are "ready to go" in a moment's notice. Men are like women, they need to feel a certain way, to be in a certain mood. I used to model in high school, I am attractive, and i've had men turn me down when I've offered sex. So... I can tell you for sure that men aren't all about sex.

 

Not only that, but a marriage really does change a lot of things. Now, I'm not married, but I can imagine that when you are with someone for a while, a marriage can turn into more of a "roommate" situation and there can be a change of feelings. And it makes sense, because you can't expect that level of "honeymoon passion" to stay forever. I think communication (verbal or non-verbal) is what is needed before she throws down the "D" card.

[Beec]

NO offense, but are you even a guy?

 

And next time you want to ask that question of someone, do it to their face, so they can stop your wondering.

[Rabican]

Rabican, you're not all men. Some men don't keep that drive. Some do. Stop thinking your 26 year old experience is the same thing that all men experience through out thier lives. I don't think I've got that experience or ever will, and I've been having sex for more years than you've known what the word sex meant.

 

Look im being a little sarcastic here... I thought that was obvious. What im saying is that getting your man to be intimate with you shouldnt be like finding a needle in a godforsaken haystack. It sounds to me like shes at least tried to pull her own weight in this situation, and her man... for whatever reason has continually dropped the ball. A relationship takes two, not just one, and right now it sounds like hes just awol.

[Rabican]

It is a myth that men are "ready to go" in a moment's notice. Men are like women, they need to feel a certain way, to be in a certain mood. I used to model in high school, I am attractive, and i've had men turn me down when I've offered sex. So... I can tell you for sure that men aren't all about sex.

 

Not only that, but a marriage really does change a lot of things. Now, I'm not married, but I can imagine that when you are with someone for a while, a marriage can turn into more of a "roommate" situation and there can be a change of feelings. And it makes sense, because you can't expect that level of "honeymoon passion" to stay forever. I think communication (verbal or non-verbal) is what is needed before she throws down the "D" card.

 

This is from her original post:

I have gotten to the point where I was sick and tired of being rejected and stopped trying. I'm the type of person that if I feel something I let you know I can't keep it to myself. So I have talked to him many, many times and nothing changes. I do all the talking and he doesn't reply, but aside from our sex life, we have no communication. I have sat down and said this is what's bothering and it hurts when you reject me or when you don't talk to me. He says sorry I'll change and he does for a few days to a week and then we're back to the same thing.

 

Seems shes tried talking, tried acting, tried persuading... eventually one has to wonder if what she has with her man, is just what she has and is gonna have with her man.

[Bethany]

To the original poster... After being married for 22 years and I have found that sometimes the more you talk to a man about how you think and feel, all he hears is blame. Blame, blame and more blame. (nag, nag, nag, its all your fault, etc)

 

A man is different to a woman, women need to express themselves and some men do not understand that it is NOT what you are saying, that you are not blaming him for anything..it's the emotion, the way you feel that you are trying to get accross.

 

If you have not already read Mars/Venus, I seriously suggest you do read it. Even after 22 years of being happy together, I STILL learned from it. I learned a lot about my own communication and understand far more about myself and how *I* come accross, and how to ask or help and support from him even more.

 

If you have already read it, I think maybe you should drag it out and re-read it, as I don't think that there is anything major from your post about your marriage that cannot be repaired. It's not even lack of communication from what I can see, it's lack of understanding of how you both work internally. It would be a good thing if he also read it, he might even see and understand where YOU are coming from too.

 

If this fails, I would certainly recommend counselling and would advise you NOT to take time away from him. A marriage means you stick together through thick and thin, considering every option, a committment to working through problem and trying everthing before you ever consider breaking up your family. It is a big risk and one that could possibly end your marriage for good because of the increased pain and hurt, lack of trust and anger from both sides.

 

However I do feel that keeping this ex in the picture gives you a certain degree of personal 'option' and you need to keep far, far away from him or things will NEVER work out as you will not be committing yourself 100% to your marriage.

 

Don't even risk it again!!!! It's not worth it. If you are so low you need someone, please turn to your family or come here to ENA.

[signed xxx]

Sorry I haven't replied. I was in the hospital with my little one and we got home last night. I didin't get much support form him during this tough time with my baby girl being sick. The day she got sick we went to the ER, he was at work and met me there. She was admitted and we were there till last night he came to see our daughter but didn't speak a word to me the entire time he was there. He wanted to know what the dr said so instead of asking me he went to the nurses station and asked the nurse. I know this because I was walking my daughter around the floor and I heard him speaking to the nurse. I have to say that he was at work and he came home after work to help my mother with my other daughter then went to the hospital to see our daughter. So i know he was tired and most likely stressed. I just wish he would've talked to me. I didn't try talking to him either, I didn't want to say anyting to get him upset. So I just kept my mouth shut. We got home and here I am today and haven't spoken to him and he hasn't said anything to me. I'm concentrating on my kids and I'm just going to continue to do that.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

[annie24]

I hope your daughter is doing better!

 

Why is he not talking to you?

[candy604]

sounds like you guys need a vacation, just you and him to have some alone time away from the kids and work. You should suggest to him some fun activities to do or even set aside a quiet time where you two can sit down and talk about ( the news, kids, family or work). or even if you can start chatting and asking questions?

 

My grandparents live in silence for the last 40 years, they don't say much to each other ( my grandpa is super quiet and says nothing, even at family events). so i dunno..

 

As for your sex life, see a sex therapist? they really help! I'm surprised he's not interested, usually guys are. Can you ask him what would make you attractive to him? or if he would like to explore some new ideas? or tell him how great a lover he was and you like that etc..

 

if he was gay, you'd know. my mom's father had a friend that as married and had kids, but turns out the wife was a lesbian (husband found her cheating with a women -walked in on it too)...so sad.

 

anyway try a marriage counsellor , i'm sure they can help with communication problems.

 

good luck! don't give up, work on your marriage

[candy604]

is he mad at you for something. Just make sure when you talk it isn't about complaining or nagging, but cheerful things.

[signed xxx]

Hi,

 

I don't if he's mad at me he doesn't talk to me. He'll say things every now and then in relationthe the girls but that's it. The times that I have talked to him, I have been calm. I used to be a the nagger and I learned that got me no where so I changed the way I talk to him but that hasn't made a difference. Honestly, I'm so tired of talking to him and getting no where. If he wants to make it work he know I'm here and If this doesn't work out at least I have the peace of mind that I believe I've tried everything.

[annie24]

does he know how unhappy you are in this relationship? now, maybe some of you guys could tell me if i'm right or wrong.... but having been on enotalone for a while, i've noticed a lot of marriages break up because the woman is very dissatisfied with the relationship and she tries to fix things, but the husband doesn't realize just how upset she is until she has filed for divorce. Then he tris to salvage things, but she is already long gone.

 

do I have this situation right? I seem to see it quite often.

 

I don't know - does he know just how unhappy you are?

[Beec]

This situation just seems to sound worse and worse, and I'm trying to be optimistic. I can see how signed xxx is unhappy, no question about it. She is married, but right now, there is no marriage.

 

But right now, I think he feels that way too, and we don't know why. He's there physically but not there in any other respect. Why is the big question, he won't talk and I don't know how to get him to check back in. In such circumstances, I think you need to try to go back to square one, and work on the basics: have respect and demand it; be a friend but don't be there all the time, make him miss you; and work on you and you feeling how you want to feel good whether he is there or not.

 

This does not seem like sex is the sole question here, something else is an issue in his mind.

 

Good luck.