is it too late?

[idk21]

I am so sad and I really hope someone can give me some advice. My bf and I had been together about 2 yrs when we broke up about a week ago (we are both 23). After about 1 yr and a half we had a fight and he got upset and we broke up for about 2 weeks, he saw me and we got back together right away. This time is different though...for the last two months things have been shaky and he would pull away and then be ok and it was so difficult. i started to get very clingy and it just pushed him away more. Finally last week everything came to a head and we decided to break up we fought/talked for a long time and he said he needed it. We both cried and he told me I had been his best relationship (I am his first longer than 6 mon) he said "let's take a break bc it's better than staying together and being unhappy or totally breaking up." I thought it was just a break so i went over to get some dvds and he basically seemed like he was done w/ things, he said I had lost myself and I was smothering him. I couldn't handle it but I said "ok I'll give you space, lets talk in a month" and I was really going to stick to it. About two days later I texted him and he was very cold, so I said "Fine if we are done forever I am coming to get my stuff." I went to get it and we fought and he was SO done with things and I stormed out. I didn't talk to him for three days after that then I broke and called him. He said there was no point in getting together bc it wouldn't change anything, but he would if I needed closure. I decided the next day it was a bad idea and I sent him a nice email and told him so. Now I don't know if it's too late to ever get things back. I started NC immediately after I sent the email, but has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Did you get your bf/gf back? Please help me I am so upset and distressed and I miss him terribly. I am not really looking for advice on how to heal/how either of us acted...just basically want to see some similar stories and what did/did not happen.

[NJRon]

You said you would give it a month and you only gave it a couple of days. That shows no control and is exactly what he was saying.

 

There is no such thing as a break. You are either together, or not.

 

I understand you miss him. That is totally normal. But, if you can't even spend a week without contacting him (let alone what you said you would do) then I think you need to concentrate on yourself.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I have to agree with NJ Ron that you showed your ex that you can't refrain from smothering him if you cannot even give him a few days of space when you agreed to a month.

 

I am not a big believer in breaks either.... you are either a couple or you are not. I'm sorry, I understand this must be hard for you.

 

Perhaps now is the time to really focus on yourself and try to regain some of your independance. A man should never be everything to you... it's important that you have other interests and pursue those too.

 

As for getting him back, all you've done so far is upset him and go against your word.... he seems pretty upset. I wouldn't be holding onto any hope that he would come back, but instead work on yourself and getting on with your own life. If he comes back later, you may feel differently about things, or you may be more ready to be a partner who also has her own life.

 

Good luck, honey!

[idk21]

the month was actually my idea not his, he said "we can talk before that" and i was the one trying to be all strong and saying "nope a month it is..."

[NJRon]

Right, that is what I was saying. It wasn't he that said 'give it a month' and you broke down. You said you would give it a month, and then didn't.

 

Keep to your word. Especially to yourself.

 

Wait for him to contact you. In the meantime, do what you need to do to be happy with yourself. Without him.

[princess81]

There maybe some truth to what he is saying he said that you are smothering him and you admited to being clingy he in other words said that he is unhappy when he said

[/"let's take a break bc it's better than staying together and being unhappy or totally breaking up." QUOTE] maybe its time to take time to yourself and find out what makes you happy and do things that you want to do like hang out with your girls or shopping or you can volunteer somewere that stuff keeps you busy and makes you be a little more independent that inturn keeps you from being clingy. And even if the relationship doesnt work out you will have found your self and will have learned a lesson to make your next relationship better

[idk21]

I have already realized all this stuff that everyone is saying, I would just like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation and how it worked out for them.

[NJRon]

Go to search.. then select advanced search ... search on "taking a break" and select titles only (that pares down the results to something usable).

[Bethany]

he said I had lost myself and I was smothering him. I couldn't handle it but I said "ok I'll give you space, lets talk in a month" and I was really going to stick to it. About two days later I texted him and he was very cold, so I said "Fine if we are done forever I am coming to get my stuff." I went to get it and we fought and he was SO done with things and I stormed out. I didn't talk to him for three days after that then I broke and called him. He said there was no point in getting together bc it wouldn't change anything

 

That's where your going wrong. He is telling you you're smothering him and he needs room to breathe. You may have said the words but you didn't follow through. He was thinking that you both are working on your on personal stuff and would meet up better for it in a month, but what he get? He got you, breaking your word and smothering him again.

 

Stand by your word this time, do NOT contact him. Everyone KNOWS it's hard, it's extremely hard but you need to do it. Come here when you feel like you can't keep away from him, write out letters to him but don't send them, do anything you can to get through this but DON'T contact him. He knows where you are if he needs you but until then, use this time to work on yourself, like he wil be.

[princess81]

I think what you are looking for is someone in a similar realtionship that maybe had a happy ending all the advise that all these people are giving you is valuable if you would just listen it can save you a lot more heart ache in the future

[idk21]

All my friends have already given me this same advice etc...what I am looking for is someone in a similiar situation and how it ended. If that is not you I appreciate your advice, but it's not what I'm looking for.

[Bethany]

I think you'll find most of us have and if you carry on invading his personal space, it will end badly, I'm sorry to say.

[brando]

try looking on a member named Superdave71 ....he wrote tons of stuff on this sort of situation.

[DN]

You will find some posts on people who successfully got their exes back. But in each case they were two different people in entirely different relationships. All that people on here can give you is general advice based on their experience or observations. And that you have had already.

 

What worked for one person may not work for you - but from what you have already said NC seems to be the way to go. Either you will get over him or he may (and only may) come back if he misses you enough. But you should count on the former not the latter.

 

If you are looking for a magic bullet to get him back your search will almost certainly be in vain and you will have wasted much emotional energy and time that would be better employed in healing and moving on.

[5150-Z06]

in my experience,when a realtionship doesnt work and you give it a break and come back to it.....it goes right back to were it endedreally quickly.....sometimes it just isnt meant to be......sorry,that my opinion

[Mjane]

I know you are kind of just looking for advice you want to hear, but what newly broken up dumpees can't see is there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It could be a reconciliation or it could be the old wonderful phrase, when one door closes, another opens.

I've been purusing these boards for years. This one and another full of women who have been ditched.

In 99 per cent of the cases, the couples don't get back together. Sorry, the numbers aren't in your favour. But that's not a bad thing.

What you don't realize is a failed or failing relationship that causes you anxiety, pain, stress and to act needy and pathetic is not a good thing.

Take this time to heal yourself, work on your issues, get your head straight and find a life of your own.

I guarantee you when you get some perspective, breath a bit, spend time with friends and relax, you'll feel more confident. What you don't realize now is there is a world out there, a world filled with millions of single, wonderful men who are just waiting to date you when you are ready.

Once you realize this isn't the end of the world, you'll start feeling better.

Good luck.

[annie24]

I have already realized all this stuff that everyone is saying, I would just like to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation and how it worked out for them.

 

well, I was on the other side, where a guy was trying really hard to get back with me, and I told him I needed space and time to think. He continued e-mailing, calling, and sending me flowers anyways, and I got really mad and said, that's it, it's over! good-bye forever!

 

In short, I was just really angry that he didn't respect my wishes. it made it seem like he didn't care about what I wanted, he just wanted what he wanted, and that didn't make me happy at all.

 

In all honesty, if he had given me a few weeks of quiet, I probably would have gotten back with him, but since he kept pushing, it just turned me off. I don't regret saying good bye forever.

 

so, that is how my situation turned out.

[brando]

Good post Annie. usually that is exactly what happens. The part about him not expecting your wishes of giving you space. It was him saying to you that it did not matter what you wanted, it is what he wanted that is important.

[kellbell]

"ok I'll give you space, lets talk in a month" and I was really going to stick to it. About two days later I texted him and he was very cold..."

 

It is not about whether you can get back together with him, it is matter of you keeping your promises. You have not so far, what will make him want to give the relationship another try? The first step in the right direction is to keep your word, then work on getting back together. Things will not work out if you do not keep your promises. One thing at a time.

[brando]

Like Annie posted, if you are not listening to what he is asking of you, you are only conveying that you don't care about what he wants. This is important to accept and understand no matter what happens with this person, for other relationships as well. It is pressure, it is a selfish behavoir becuase of how hurt you are feeling.

[idk21]

actually i am just curious about people who have been in a similar situation and how that worked out...that is what I came on for

[lowerthanlow]

Last two months of the relationship I had with my ex was very shaky. We fought alot and in order to compensate, I became clingy. This def. pushed her away. Before we broke up for real we had episodes where we would break up and I would leave. But- we always ended up getting back together. Of course- I would try so hard to be hapy and make her be happy right along with me. During these mini break ups, I was always the first one to make the move to make up. Wrong ! Wrong! Wrong!! The last time we fought and broke up for real, she made it sound like she never wanted to hear from me again. So I agreed and we are on NO CONTACT right now.

 

It sounds like you really need to take that step. Any time anyone says "clingy" run the other direction. Show them that you're independent and strong and don't need them as much as they thought you did. Grieve in private...miss him in private...DO NOT TELL HIM that. Women need to be strong!!! Now in my case, (I know I have said this a million times before and it may be nothing to note but bear with me), I know the ex constantly looks at my online profile. IS the NC killiing her? We shall see...she has yet to contact me. But def. try being strong and seeing what happens. I bet if I went right back to calling the ex and texting her, she wouldnt be caring enough to look at my profile.

[Hope75]

I was also on the other side of the fence, as Annie24 was. I dated a guy who became very clingy and insecure. If there is one thing that I can't handle, it's being smothered. So I asked him for some space. Like Annie's guy, he did not respect my wishes. He called, left messages, called from other numbers just so I would answer. He sent letters to my work, and flowers too. I was so ticked off, because, like Annie, I has asked him to back off for a bit and he agreed, and he completely disrespected my wishes and smothered me anyway!

 

I told him it was over for good- and he still didn't get it. This went on for a good month until he finally got the hint that it was over. The sad part is that he was a nice guy with alot to offer someone, if he only relaxed a bit and didn't act so darn clingy. I probably would have reconsidered as well, but when he couldn't even let me breathe for a week, he had to go.

 

That's my story.

[mikeca]

damn I see myself in those last two stories about the guy being clingy, I kept bringing up the relationship, thinking every little romantic thing I could think of would help her realize what shes missing. I did this for a month before going NC and its been NC since then, looks like I've got alot to make up for. You really do lose your head after a breakup..

[enivel]

All my friends have already given me this same advice etc...what I am looking for is someone in a similiar situation and how it ended. If that is not you I appreciate your advice, but it's not what I'm looking for.

 

Sorry to disappoint you. I asked my ex for a week about thinking about getting back together, but ultimately I couldn't do it. I sent her flowers a few days later, just saying again how much I want to be with her. I thought it was a nice thing to do, but she called me that night and said it was over.

 

But the way I look at it, I have no regrets. If I hadn't sent flowers, would that have changed anything? Absolutely not. The bottom line is that when someone asks for space, they are looking to move on. If that person wanted to be with you to begin with, he or she would be there. If you had waited a month, and then he'd said "no" you would have regretted your inaction and thought you weren't trying hard enough and letting him know enough how much he means to you. Ultimately, you would have felt regret either way.

 

I sent her a note today, along with the keys I'm giving back to her, and basically said I'm sorry I didn't give you space, but at the same time I really needed closure to get on with my life. Just communicate... most people have gone through the same thing and will at least understand your state of mind. If someone is angry at you for trying to get them back, they are really the wrong person.