enivel

Most people on these boards, who are still reeling from their breakup, are using the same forumla to try to become "desired again" by their exes. You're expecting a reconciliation after someone has suddenly seen the light and realized he or she made a terrible mistake, and then they will be in your arms and the next day you will talk and everything will be like it was... unforunately that is not what happens. I made the same mistake, trying to convince her that I've changed, that I am the right person for her, that we get along so well. Attraction is about tension, sometimes fighting, sometimes it can only arise from the most irrational circumstances, such as this one. That is why it is interesting that it was only after we'd fought that we were able to become physicall intimate... often times I think a relationship ends because people become too comfortable with each other. Am I boasting that I slept with my ex? No... in fact I had resolved not to. Probably not the best long-term decision. But my point is that if you are really wondering where all the passion went, sometimes you are looking for it in the wrong places... and when you wander into the "friends" category with your ex, you simply reinforce that things are going to be polite and smooth.

It's been three months. She broke up with me, I did the begging and pleading, and of course I felt completely shattered. In the meantime I've gotten my life back, gotten into the best shape of my life... since we've broken up she's played all the mind games with me, from telling me about people she's dated/slept with, to telling me she wants to get back together, then saying she doesn't remember saying it. Of course, it has been limited contact... we've hung out maybe 5 times in three months. So last night I'm driving home and she calls me and tells me she wants to hang out. I just had a mindset last night that I'm not taking crap from anyone, and I met her at the bar. I've also been taking some lessons on dating and having an attractive personality... how to be strong, funny, and confident, and not to act clingy or needy. She must have touched me at the bar (hugs, pinches) about 12 times during the night... then we played pool and had a great time. We went back to her place, had a fight (as usual, about her telling me stuff I don't want to hear, and bickering about why we broke up) but this time I really held my ground and stood up to her, almost mocking her self-pity. She told me she had recently thought about getting back together, and instead of bowing to her knees, I basically told her I wasn't interested because I don't trust her. Then she decided to tell me that she had slept with a few guys since we've broken up. We went to bed in silence, both very pissed off. We were lying in bed and I just started kissing her, started with her neck and face, for about 2-3 minutes and she didn't respond... then she suddenly got turned on because we had what I would honestly call the best sex of my life. She just kept saying "oh my god" after it was over and we cuddled and went to bed. This morning I bought her breakfast and she kissed me goodbye, and asked me to call her "later, or sometime."

It always appears like things have gone back to Stage One, or even regressed, after breaking NC. I've done it a few times, but it does get easier with time. The last time I broke it I felt like I had reached a level that was worse than the initial breakup, but only two days later I felt way better than I did two days after the initial breakup. So just give it time, try not to break it again, and realize that with each passing moment you are healing a little bit more.

Interesting thought... A lot of it I think is the guy's confidence. If he is confident during a first/second encounter and "acts" desired in that way, he much more likely to get her. If he goes in with the mentality "I'll be her friend and see if it will progress" most girls see it as weakness and quickly decide not to pursue anything beyond friendship.

Well of course she would be perceiving uncertainty, because that is exactly what it was on my part. At first she was clingy, then she began to withdraw from the relationship and ended it. We did try to talk, but she always had a strong answer about how she felt for me; I could tell her how I felt about her, but given all five of those questions, of course I was uncertain about marriage, which is what she wanted. I think that given the circumstances, communication would have/did just make things more complicated. I tried to explain to her how it was complicated for me with all the other issues besides simply my feelings, and tried to go over those points, but ultimately she took my uncertainty as a rejection. She was probably right to end the relationship... I mean, those were just issues that, no matter how much I thought about, with my life experience, I just could not fully answer at that time and still can't. We were usually happy together, but I could never give her certainty in what I wanted long-term. It was probably just not a very good match from the start, but we had great chemistry. After awhile we both kind of just enjoyed each other's company, I still didn't see it ending because she finally said that she loved what we had even if we weren't going to get married. But ultimately what she did want was marriage, even if she tried to convince herself otherwise. Some relationships just were not meant to work out; in some cases you can communicate, although being entirely articulate may end a relationship sooner than later, and you might miss out on the good times that you can enjoy when there is less focus on the future.

I agree with you on that one. Although sometimes it isn't that simple. I think sometimes issues become so deep and overwhelming, communication becomes destructive. At least I felt that way... or maybe I was a bit lazy in that regard as well. To explain where I am coming from, in my relationship, these were the questions I faced: A. Do I love this woman? B. If I love her, could I marry her, even though I'm only 24? C. If I could marry her, could I also accept her children into my life? D. If I could go this far, could I also live thousands of miles from my family to be with her? E. If I do all this, could I be sure I'll never want children myself? (She had a vasectomy.) So I guess I'm rambling about my situation, but whenever she wanted to talk about our future, how could I possibly begin to organize these thoughts, and communicate them to her? For her, it was simply how she felt about me; for me, it was all of these things. So I felt that, after some failed conversations, it was better just to go with the flow and see if anything progressed. I guess my only point is that communication is good, but sometimes there are issues that cannot be made clearer no matter how much you want them to be. I began to dread talking to her, because she deserved clear answers, but I just couldn't give them to her given the situation. So I guess I just gave up, but it wasn't because I wasn't willing to try, just that no amount of effort could give me these answers... only more time... time that she could not give me.

I am less experienced in relationships. Maybe when I have more of it, I will hear the bells ringing louder. However, there are also many times when the relationship is fine and you think it could be the bells. When the bells are ringing it's probably best that the relationship is over... I mean, at that point it is obvious that the two were not able to communicate/work well enough together, and the "signs" are often indirect ways of knowing, rather than direct. Obviously direct communication is preferred. Do you agree?

Let's be fair about those warning signs and signals. They are only seen in retrospect, and virtually impossible to detect while they are happening. If you were to worry about those things that you then perceived as minor, you would scold yourself for being paranoid. Although you are right, they are there when you look back. Three months... I think that sounds like a good estimate. In fact, I was just thinking about this about ten minutes ago and my estimate was 3-4 months for how long my ex had been contemplating it.

need2beme, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. This is not a consolation, but it is the same with eveyone, about her acting like you were never together romantically. I don't know how or why a person could act like that, and that is probably 75% of why it is so difficult to accept a breakup. It's like the romantic, attractive side of you has disappared around her, she does not respond to it, sees you as a friend. I know it's hard because we cannot understand why it happens, but accepting that will bring you closure and peace.

After giving it six weeks of time, my ex and I were actually able to agree on what happened in the relationship with very little finger pointing. Not everyone can do this, but if you had a respectful relationship and both parties would like to do this, it's not always a bad idea. Just be sure that if you want to, and that person is willing, you aren't going to attack.

I agree with no contact. I swallowed my pride and told her that I am not as far along, in moving on, as she. I think she knew that anyway. I told her we can be friends when neither of us are bothered by details of each other's dating experiences... she kind of tried to play it cool, so I asked her point blank if she could handle listening about a girl I've been seeing. She said she was, until I mentioned the girl's name, then she interrupted me after the first sentence and said she isn't ready.

It really does. I can't say I'm not in pain right now. I spoke to my ex last night after she broke up with me six weeks ago. There was a lot to talk about. There was a little bit of fighting and blaming, but most of it was constructive. It does help to understand, after you have had some distance. She told me a lot of things that I was glad to hear, how much she respected what I did... what I gave to her. She couldn't have said things like this after we broke up because neither of us had a good perspective. I had felt for a long time like I was emotionally distant, unable to feel for her, and we both kind of talked about that. The reality is that this was my first real relationship, my first time out on my own in another state by myself, the first time dating someone considering marriage, and the first time dating someone who has kids. As she said she "exposed me to a lot" and understood why I had trouble making clear decisions about our future and what I wanted. She was a lot more understanding about why I acted the way I did, and I was a lot more understanding about why she made the decision she did. She got married too young, got divorced, and obviously it has made a huge impact in her life... she saw us headed in the same direction with resentment and eventually me wanting to experience more. A lot of things we thought about while we were together- but didn't have the clarity or hindsight to articulate- became apparent. I only regret that I made her upset by blaming her for drinking a lot and acting completely different when she drinks, sometimes not remembering promises or things she said... but I guess both of us have taken some due criticism, and that was really the first time I criticised her for doing anything detrimental to our relationship. I can't be friends with her, but I love her and she loves me. If we ever need each other, there is no doubt both of us will be there. It hurts like hell to love someone and lose them, you just wish that while you were together you could have the same clarity and wisdom to see things as you know they were now... but I guess you never really can, you can just learn through experience and do the best you can. We both did the best we could, and acknowledging that last night at least gives me a lot of consolation, as I realize how much I've grown.

She called me last night and I asked to speak to her. After six weeks of the breakup, I had gone to her place last week and we'd fooled around/she told me she missed me and hinted strongly that she wanted to get back together. So last night I wanted to talk to her to see what was going on and met her at the bar we always went to. We talked for several hours... it was constructive talk. We talked about many things in our relationship, mostly good. I finally found out why she really wouldn't take me back, because I am younger than her and less experienced, and in the same position she was in when she got married. She said she just couldn't be with me because she knew it would eventually lead to resentment, as I would be in a place where I would feel tied down. That was what led to her divorce and she saw the same thing happening with us. She told me she knows how much I did try, and so did she, it was nice because we came to a friendly understanding, although she could tell by the way I looked at her that I still had feelings for her. She said it took a lot of strength to do what I did at my age, to give her so much of me and stick it out to the bitter end, knowing things were not going to work long-term. We went back to her place and listened to music. Then we went to bed, just laid there. Eventually we got into a fight when she revealed that last week- when we fooled around and she told me those things- she didn't remember it because she was too drunk. I really had no idea she was that drunk... she told me she was pretty sober. And then she told me about a very important conversation we'd had during our relationship and how she was also blacked out and remembered only bits and pieces. Needless to say I got very angry, but we settled down. In the morning I left and gave her a kiss, and we said we'd both be friends (very, very slowly) and be there for each other. I told her last night I want to be friends with her, but only after I have detached, probably by meeting someone else. I am crushed right now. I've known for a long time it is over, but I guess the things she said last night were the final piece to the puzzle of my understanding. I completely understand why she left me now, it makes it tough to swallow because it is logical... before I had my doubts because of her specious reasoning. On the bright side I can move forward now, but I just know how much I care for her... I love her so much and wish she still felt for me like she used to, but that is a dead horse. Thanks for reading this. I am just so upset right now, I'm at work. I need to accept that I will not be with her forever. She does not want a relationship with anyone else, in part out of respect for what we had. She was very honest with me, told me how much I meant to her... I just wish it made me feel better.

I appreciate your words. You might want to read my post right before yours. It is so hard to accept a break up, but it is a break up. It is because something is "broken" and not returning to its full form again. The best analogy I can think of is a star athlete who tears his ACL and rehabs his knee. He just will never be the same; he has to work twice as hard to regain his strength, and it is never the same. He will never be as confident when he runs again... and the sad reality is that once the knee has been destroyed and rebuilt, it is probably going to be destroyed again as soon as the slightest pressure hits it. If anyone out there wants their ex back, please take it from me. She told me all the things I thought I wanted to hear... that she missed me, that she loves me, that she regrets her decison, that she now realizes how important I am to her.... I thought I wanted to hear all those things, but it just makes it worse. Do NC... listen to the wisdom on this board... the only way to better yourself is to better yourself.

Dated one year. Broke up six weeks ago... I did limited contact. Spent the night together (no sex, but fooling around) three nights ago. And in case any of you are wondering, getting your ex back, in terms of getting her to tell you again that she wants you, she misses you, she might be open to another chance, does NOT make you feel any better about the relationship or yourself. I'm now more sure than ever it is over, simply because after we had that night together, I know that both of us just more defensive/confused than before, both looking to find someone else to take our thoughts off of each other. Sleeping with your ex/ getting her back temporarily does not help you come to terms with any of the things I stated above. If you want to feel good about yourself, improve yourself. I have felt great for the last month, losing twenty pounds at the gym, doing great at work, etc. When I saw her the other night she complimented me about how I am doing, I could tell she had regrets about leaving me... it simply will not make you feel better. You need to do these things for yourself and not to impress someone else. If anything I feel worse after having "conquered" getting dumped.