I forgot how harsh it feels...

[satinblack]

I split up with my Gf last thursday over some recurring problem. bascially i wasnt 100% happy with her sex drive with me. (we had talked it over and over and she couldnt ever explain why it was so low) and it drove me to frustration.

 

everything else was fine and we liked each other loads. but likei said the frustration drove me to a point where i issued a ultimatum that ultimatley backfired.

 

anyway 2 days later i offer to drop her things off if shes in, and she replys saying she wont be there but would be the next day, and she wanted me to know she was seeing someone else....

 

needless to say i lost it, i havnt felt that angry in years. i just said well theres nopoint waiting till tomo and drove straight over with her stuff.

 

Whilei was taking itoutta my car she cameout of the house with ruffled hair, putting it back inplace.i mmediately tht hes obviously upstairs and theyve just been around or whatever.

 

anyway she said thanks for her stuff andi was just plain angry. i sid how the hell have you moved on so damn fast, it seems to show she really doesnt care or respect me. she replies with i cant help it if i only see you as a friend. why ever are you angry?

 

needless to say i probably said something nasty and drove away, later texting saying sorry for being angry bye.

 

Anyway to summarize i dont know what to do with myself i am used to spending every day with her, and to make things worse i imagine her doing what she did with me, but with him. it keeps popping up in my mind.

 

finding it hard to cope and take my mind off it. i try spending time with my mates or going out but end up staring into space like a fool. i need suggestions.

[Aschleigh]

You dump her when everything is fine except that the sex it's 100%. You don't have a discussion like , I like lots about our relationship but I need some more in the sex department, let's work on it.

Then you get mad when she moves on. And has sex , the sex you weren't happy with, with someone else.

Good for her, maybe he appricates having sex with her.

 

She gets to do whatever she wants, YOU DUMPED HER!

Please see a therapist, or at least leave that poor girl alone. This is the height of selfishness.

[FCTex]

You made a choice man, and you ultimately weren't happy with what you had.

 

Her comment, made you upset because part of you cared.

 

Perhaps you didn't think through the situation, and didn't work it out properly and your heart is still hers.

 

Whatever the situation might be. If she did that to make you mad, or really is seeing someone else. Keep in mind, YOU wanted to break up.

 

You can't have the, "If I don't want her, no one can have her anyways" mentality here.

 

Sounds a little selfish, don't you think? If you feel you wrong'd in your decision, then think about it, and stay away to cool off for a while.

 

Remember, YOU were unhappy. Thats the bottom line. Regardless of her moving on so fast, it's just another thing to deal with.

[AwdreeHpburn]

satinblack - sounds like you're going to have to do some mourning. Sorry about what you're going thru.

 

Time, you just need more time.

 

OK - wait, she had no sex drive for you or too much to keep up with?

 

Cos, not tryin' to make matters worse but - if its that she had no or low sex drive and she's already doing that with someone else, is it possible she didn't have any left for you?

[satinblack]

Well we had talked about it over and over, with all her ex's she had a higly active sexual relationship but with me apparently it felt weird. so i got it like once a week.

 

anyway somehow i always felt jealous of her ex's and wanted to know why sex felt weird. we both liked each other loads and i do reallyl really like her but one night when she declined i felt really hurt and rejected, like she didnt like me or something. so i texted her the ultimatum saying i need more sex or its over. it was a spur of the moment thing. i wish i hadnt have done it but i did.

 

thnig is this guy shes with now she told me nothing would ever happen with. she said she didnt even like him even though he was "fanciable" and now they are together.

[satinblack]

You dump her when everything is fine except that the sex it's 100%. You don't have a discussion like , I like lots about our relationship but I need some more in the sex department, let's work on it..

 

we did that for weeks. thats what drove me to frustration, i was alwayus told it just felt "weird" and when i said whats weird, she was like well "weird"

it confused the hell outta me.

[InHiding]

Do what you can to get over her, because she's done.

 

She's not going to do anything to spare your feelings, and honestly she shouldn't when you put an ultimatum on her like that. I understand how you felt, I have been there too. I had an ex that just didn't cut it in the bedroom and made me feel like some nympho weirdo, but it never crossed my mind to act like that. It was pretty disrespectful.

[satinblack]

Do what you can to get over her, because she's done.

 

She's not going to do anything to spare your feelings, and honestly she shouldn't when you put an ultimatum on her like that. I understand how you felt, I have been there too. I had an ex that just didn't cut it in the bedroom and made me feel like some nympho weirdo, but it never crossed my mind to act like that. It was pretty disrespectful.

 

 

act like what? at how i did?

 

god i hate myself right now. i really wanted things to work with her.i really did.

 

and now i feel worse coz i find out how much of a bastard i am for issuing that ultimatum.

 

ahh well she left me for guys before and cheated on me once. so i should have seen this happening again really.

[lonestar_80]

Did the sex slow down, or she was never really interested in sex during the entire relationship?

 

If it slowed down, she was just seeing this guy behind your back. Like the Bible says "you can't be a servant to two masters...you will love one and hate the other." It sounds like she got a new master. I am sorry for your loss. The next time do not demand something like that from a woman. It sounds kind of caveman like...woman give sex now!

 

I for one would be kind of pissed off if a man said that to me. How long have you been dating? I know that a healthy relationship should not be based on sex alone. I want to be respected for more than just my body. If a man just wants you for sex then he really does not love you. It is not like you guys were married. So, she does not have to do anything with you that she does not want to do. Your statement basically said to her..."that is all your worth is sex and without sex you're not worth my time." Relationships go through dry spells and if you can't endure them, then you're not in love. An unconditional love is patient and can endure all things. If your wife were sick and had cancer and could not have sex, Would you just kick her to the curb? If you really loved her you would not.

 

That is why as I grow older I see why marriage is so important. When you are not married you don't have the right to demand such a thing and even if you were married you would not use that method to express yourself. I am sorry for your pain. Just keep up NC and try to move on. But don't be hard on yourself. It sounds like this girl was seeing someone behind your back anyway which explains the low libido. The same thing happened to me too. When your ex is seeing someone else they can't keep up two relationships very well, they give all their attention to one person and they neglect the other person. Sorry but you can make it through this.

[DN]

You may have got a different reaction from people in this thread had you mentioned that she cheated on you and left you before. Why did you take her back?

[satinblack]

when we wernt together she was really up for it. she wanted it all the time. then a few days in she goes off it.. it becomes "weird" and tells meshe sees me only as a friend.

 

we split up a fewweeks later and shesaw some other guy,then while seeing him she came to mine to get something yet whe we were chatting i could tell she fancied me again then when we talked further she got REALLY emotional started crying saying how much she missed me and stuff, she went on to say she didnt wanna cheaton this guy but wanted to with me (but we didnt do anything) then a few days later she broke up with him to be with me again.

 

anyway sex was great again, then yet again its becomes "weird" and she doesnt want to as yet again it feels like having sex with a "friend" a few weeks later we split up coz she likes some 41 guy who she she felt she IS sexually attracted to, yet when she went out with him she burstout crying with him telling the 41 yr old how much she missed me so he told herto come back to me.

 

again the sex was great but after a few days it becomes "weird" again and i am like a "friend" to her.

 

this time i was fed up of hearing that sex is weird and her only wanting it when we arnt together, when we are not together she literally wants to rape me every 5 mins, then as soon as we get togheter officially its becomes a chore to her. i justhad enough one night and had to ultimatum it,

 

i cannot understand why one day she cant wait to have sex then the next day it becomes "weird"

[satinblack]

You may have got a different reaction from people in this thread had you mentioned that she cheated on you and left you before. Why did you take her back?

 

 

should i start over? it feels like such a long story now that i didnt want to borepeople with all the possible reason and reactions.

 

i took her back for unknown reasons i just like her too damn much. apparently when we were seeing each other at the time she didnt feel the relatioship was "exclusive" and didnt feel we were together "properly" hence since then i made sure those rules were laid down first!!

[InHiding]

Well I'm glad you gave us more details. I had quite a different impression. Although the ultimatum was too much, there's no doubt she's playing games with you.

 

If she was able to move on that quickly and is actually seeing that guy, then just let her go. It sounds like she's been messing around when she was with you.

[satinblack]

i dont think she was messing around as such, heres where the next big problem hits.

 

we work together. and after work we would generally be with each other in the evenings and stay at each others houses. the only time i really didnt see her was either really late at night if she wasnt staying over (possible mess around time) or when she was smoking at work (i dont smoke so i dont visit the smoke "hut")

[satinblack]

I really want to type up the whole story but feel it would be long andsuch noone would bother reading the lot and comment on it.

 

if that makes sense...

[FCTex]

I think you need to move on, clean up your mess and be professional at work.

 

A sexual ultimatum regardless is always a bad idea. I had a friend destroy a 4 year relationship with one. His gf was "raped", to which we were never sure of if she was or not. And then suddenly hated sex. Come to find out, she's never had an orgasm with him and faked it for 4 years. He wanted more sex, she didn't like sex. Boom. End.

 

Just keep that in mind next go 'round.

 

Stay strong, and I'd say just try and work the best you can to be happy, and comfortable at work now.

[satinblack]

yep and the guy shes now seein works there too.

 

luckily loads are my friends andi wont have to see them when i go back(i'm off for 3 more weeks with a broken hand) as its big enough not to if i dont want to.

[lonestar_80]

I would call it a loss. I still stand behind my feelings about an ultimatum for sex...DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

 

 

Anyway it sounds like this relationship was doomed from the beginning. I think you should just move on. I know how it feels to have such strong feelings for someone that seems to be unstable.

 

It sounds like this girl has problems with commitment and she only finds sex outside of relationships exciting. This should be a HUGE RED FLAG :splat: for you. People like this only find excitement in the thrill of cheating. When they finally dump their SO for the other person they will eventually fall back into the same pattern of having sex with someone they are not in a relationship with. Do not take offense to her behavior there really is something wrong with her. She has issues that she has to work out. Does she come from a dysfunctional family?

 

Bottom line this girl is not worth your time. She can not be faithful to you or anyone. She is only in it for the chase, the thrill, and the seduction. She knows nothing about love. It gets "weird" to her b/c once the chase is gone she has nothing to look forward to. She is just playing sex games with you and any man she can find. This chick has issues and you should not want to be with her. Don’t take her back and lose her number. When she notices that you are no where to be found, she will call you up, just to see if she can seduce you again. Then once she has used you up things will get weird again (don’t fall for her game). She is nothing but a parasite that is willing to eat the life out of you if you let her. She is a cheater bottom line and she lacks a sex drive for you b/c she is "sexing" someone else. Learn from your mistakes and just move on. This girl is not worth your time, it does not matter how good the sex is.

[satinblack]

Hell it feels better when people are on my side.

 

but i will accept the ultimatum thing ws wrong, there was a reason i did it like that and a * * * *ty one (which hasnt even worked)

 

basically i was really gutted when i split up with a rpevious ex and always blamed myself for splitting, i hated the guilt and blamed myself asi broke it off, this time i didnt want to be the guilty party, so i issued an ultimatum which meant she had tocomply or be the one to break up relieveing me of guilt.

 

it didnt work AT ALL andi feel a * * * * for doing it. yet i also feel the issue needed to be addressed in some form. when she dd decide to split up i did realise what i had ost and tryed my damnest to tell herididnt want tosplit but then all i had was the "maybe its for the best if you are not 100% happy" line.

[InHiding]

Well, there were problems in your relationship that couldn't be ignored. This was the one that was the scapegoat. Don't beat yourself up. I think Lonestar pretty much nailed it. Let her go. Start NC. Do not let her come crawling back to you when she gets sick of the new sex with the new fling.

[satinblack]

I have to add, that a female friend of mine commented that the only way i would ever have a fullsexual relationship with her would be to always act like i wasnt interested in a relationship, she also added but do you really want to have to "act" to be happy. obviouslyi replied no i just want it all open and truthfull. i shouldnt haveto act like anything.

[InHiding]

That's right! Listen to your friends, they see what's really going on most of the time.

[tylercdurden2004]

I split up with my Gf last thursday over some recurring problem. bascially i wasnt 100% happy with her sex drive with me. (we had talked it over and over and she couldnt ever explain why it was so low) and it drove me to frustration.

 

everything else was fine and we liked each other loads. but likei said the frustration drove me to a point where i issued a ultimatum that ultimatley backfired.

 

Personally I dont see ultimatums as a big problem unless you dont understand the character of them. Basically an ultimatum is a last chance and should ONLY be used as a last resort. But at this point you need to understand that it may be over, whatever the issue is.

 

From what you wrote above it sounds like you guys talked about it and it seems from your point of view she was not giving satisfactory answers. This is understandable. Did you guys talk about other routes to take such as counselling? Talking only goes so far and only really works if both sides are engaged and open to dicussion. It sounds to me that she was not. You gave her a final chance to get her act together and she chose otherwise. This is where I see the problem. You were blind to what you were really doing. Ideally you should have thought over. The what ifs to her response. Did you really consider she might leave? If not then you should not have issued the ultimatum. I think in your next relationship you should be more conscious of your next GFs actions and what they mean.

 

If the issue of sex was because of past issues she may have had then assuming this "problem" had been going on for a while she should have been open about it and not saying "I dont know". If this was the case then you would be right for not wanting to continue with someone who cannot be open.

 

In your case it sounds like it was an excuse for whatever, you may never know why she did this but understand it has nothing to do with you. I suspect she knows the reasons why. Maybe she was only using you as a fallback guy, as the "friend" part of being in a relationship etc. What is clear is she was not open nor honest with you.

 

If you decide to issue an ultimatum in the future make sure you have thought out all the options and consequences. You cant really blame her for what she does after, because YOU did issue an ultimatum. You could have simply told her you felt you guys were not compatible, but in the end this gives you the same as issuing an ultimatum, at least with an ultimatum the ball is in her court. Ultimatums are used all the time in employment situations, in parenting, and again should ONLY be used as a LAST resort when all other options have been exhausted. You have to really think it out and be prepared for all potential outcomes.

[lonestar_80]

I have to add, that a female friend of mine commented that the only way i would ever have a fullsexual relationship with her would be to always act like i wasnt interested in a relationship, she also added but do you really want to have to "act" to be happy. obviouslyi replied no i just want it all open and truthfull. i shouldnt haveto act like anything.

 

Satinblack,

 

You are so right, listen to your friends! They want what is best for you. I have been in your shoes before and it sucks! You should not have to act like you hate someone to get them to love you in return. I just got sick of it. If I care about someone I want to show them that I care about them through my positive actions not my negative actions.

 

This girl has issues and maybe she has never seen a healthily relationship before. She probably has only been a witness to dysfunctional relationships, so that is the only way she knows how to behave in a relationship. Don't try to be her shrink let her solve her issues on her own.