Self-acceptance, coffee shop culture and fitting in...

[jimpster2005]

Here begins a ramble.

 

I constantly have the feeling that my life is not as interesting and fun as it could be. And it isn't really - or is it?

 

I compare myself with other people. For example, last week I went to a music festival in London on my own. I don't mind doing things on my own and enjoy the freedom, but would obviously like to have someone else there as well. I looked around while I was there and my initial impressions were that there were lots of cool people in cool groups of friends - sort of like the 'ideal friends' group you see in adverts and in films. I felt that everyone apart from me sort of knew each other. I looked closer and I spotted some odd people, some geeky type people and some other people on their own. This made me feel a bit better, but I want to have that group of friends thing.

 

I do have some good friends, but only one or two who really 'get me' - and that's being generous.

 

I really don't know where this is going but basically I feel as though I'm missing out on things and don't know how to break the cycle. I have joined some groups and got to know people, but making that jump from someone you see on a regular basis to 'friends' is a difficult one. I feel that the grass is always greener on the other side. I see people on the tube and on buses etc and think - you look like the type of friend I'm after - popular, confident and fun - where do these people go when they get off the train?!

 

Sometimes, actually, most of the time, I think I only want this group of friends becuase I may find my next girlfriend this way, or that if I don't have a group of friends how can anyone possibly love me without thinking 'what a loser - not many friends'.

 

Blimey, this is a ramble! I think I'm beginning to realise that my perception of what makes a good life and a good set of friends and social activities has been heavily influenced by TV, advertising and the 'coffee shop' culture of today. Anything less than chilling with mates over a beer at the weekend, listening to live music in a trendy bar, sending countless texts to mates or having lots of dates is, in my eyes, a failure. I don't really do any of this, but when I do - it doesn't really feel that special, the feeling doesn't last and I still don't feel part of things. Aaaaghh!

 

Does anyone else see what I'm fumbling at?

[AwdreeHpburn]

jimpster - I totally feel ya and I think you've described it well.

 

Sounds like you feel misunderstood but having the opposite, being understood, is important to you.

 

I don't really know "HOW" to make friends either. I think it comes from striking up conversations and loads of time, yeh? I don't think one can go to a meeting group even 3 times, and find a best mate straight away. I know you know that, I'm just making the point, yeh...

 

give it time bra - I think you'll be alright. Sound super cool to me.

[talo]

Jimpster, I enjoyed that 'piece' you wrote up there.

 

I constantly have the feeling that my life is not as interesting and fun as it could be. And it isn't really - or is it?

If things were as they "could be" would that be ideal?

And would they stay ideal for long?

Or would one want another deal...

One more interesting and fun?

 

...the feeling doesn't last and I still don't feel part of things.

And to "feel part of things"

Would one have to be apart?

Or so engrossed that

One did not exist?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

On Saturday night I shall be part of a group of 5 or 6 "friends" going out for a meal.

 

I know we shall be loud and look like Advert Style Groups of friends, but here's some startling truths:

 

1) 1 Girl is chronically insecure about her position with everyone in the group

2) 2 Girls are known to others to actively dislike/even verge on hating another girl

3) 3 out of 6 of the people there don't want to be there but will attend out of sense of duty

4) Most guttingly, The girl in 1) is the "hostess" whose 18th birthday celebration this is..and two of her guests slate her constantly when not in her presense.

 

Nevertheless, I'm sure we'll all have a ggggrrrrreat time. *Rolls Eyes*.

 

Never underestimate hidden dynamics.

[Lady Bugg]

So ALS...basically you're saying that everyone there probably doesn't WANT to be, and they loathe each other?? LOL Sounds lovely.........

[ElektraHere]

So ALS...basically you're saying that everyone there probably doesn't WANT to be, and they loathe each other?? LOL Sounds lovely.........

 

I think her point was that not all things are what they seem. Things can look grand and/or superficial but when you get to the heart of it there could be flaws that those on the outside cant see.

[Nymphonia]

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

 

If it's like my situation, which it sounds identical to - you're constantly striving for a perfection which is impossible to gain.

 

The key is acceptance. Gradually you have to learn that that lifestyle you want isn't real. You can get close to it, or even as good as the ideal, occasionally - say, one weekend you got invited to three parties - but it is NEVER like that all the time - it comes in short bursts, very irregularly.

 

The rest of the time, things will often seem slow-paced but don't feel frustrated - just accept that this is the way things are and it's pretty cool anyway - and you know they'll be plenty of times in the future when you WILL have very social days, weekends etc.

[Lily04]

yeah exactly... I don't haev a close knit group of friends either, never really did. I have a few friends (maybe 3) who I feel I really connect with but even then we're not really close, don't do much stuff together... just chat online sometimes. And even then... not very often. One I feel like I can't even trust much anymore.

 

I feel like I need to develop hobbies or something, meet some new people... but how? What type of things out there can I join to meet interesting people? I don't really have any hobbies... I like working out, I go to the gym a lot, at least 3x/week... but I don't meet anyone there, I just go there to run and use the equipment. I rent movies occasionally, trying to do so more since it's the summer. Other than that, I don't get out much. Any ideas??

[allgood]

go to like to some group stuff, say christian groups if ur into god, join a volunteer group such as st vincent depauls, do a sport, go to a group holiday thing overseas, do a course etc. then youll end up with friends.

 

hope that helps

[Lily04]

Thanks... well I just recently joined up to start volunteering & will be doing training in 2 weeks. But it's not really humanitarian type of volunteering, I'm volunteering to be a mediator... I'm not sure the type of people who will be volunteering there will be the type of people I'd likely be friends with, but we'll see. The ones I've met so far are all the 'peacemaker greenpeace' type of people... like hippies. lol. But I have only met 2 of the volunteers & there's 15 more I have to meet, so maybe there are some more professional type of people there. The others are ambitious pre-laws I'd expect...

 

I don't really know where to go to meet like-minded people. I have met a few people through clubs but I don't really have time to join any more. Maybe I will meet some new people in my classes at school.. but I just wanted to meet some friends over the summer too... I agree it can be lonely at times, even being home with family.

[Caldus]

or that if I don't have a group of friends how can anyone possibly love me without thinking 'what a loser - not many friends'.

 

Yeah it's ridiculous how people think today. I'm noticing that more too. Especially at my college. If you're not part of 'the clique', then you're screwed. I notice a lot of cliques are formed around my college and it can get annoying when you're trying to meet new people.

 

Anyway, all I can say is be patient. Don't down yourself with this stuff. Grab life by the balls and enjoy it anyway even if you don't have a good group of friends to hang with. 'Be' the person you want to make friends with and they will come. It's related to the 'be the change' phrase you always hear.

[Caldus]

yeah exactly... I don't haev a close knit group of friends either, never really did. I have a few friends (maybe 3) who I feel I really connect with but even then we're not really close, don't do much stuff together... just chat online sometimes. And even then... not very often. One I feel like I can't even trust much anymore.

 

I feel like I need to develop hobbies or something, meet some new people... but how? What type of things out there can I join to meet interesting people? I don't really have any hobbies... I like working out, I go to the gym a lot, at least 3x/week... but I don't meet anyone there, I just go there to run and use the equipment. I rent movies occasionally, trying to do so more since it's the summer. Other than that, I don't get out much. Any ideas??

 

Same here. I've been so bored this summer that I've been going to the gym five times a week now. I think I need some new hobbies too. My life is a little boring.

[Lily04]

Same here. I've been so bored this summer that I've been going to the gym five times a week now. I think I need some new hobbies too. My life is a little boring.

 

Hey Caldus,

 

I remember talking with you a lot last summer I believe it was... haven't seen you around a lot since. Good to see ya still post! Anyway, I go to the gym around 3-4x/week but workout at home the days I don't go... so it works out (work out = dancing downstairs to music or just running/walking a bit. not as intense as going to the gym though.) Anyway, I understand your passion, it's the same way for me. I don't know if this sounds a bit weird, but I meet friends online through dating websites or whatnot... would it be odd to meet them just to do stuff as friends instead of dating? Like I find I'm meeting a lot of interesting people online who I think of cool, but couldn't see myself dating. I think it would be fun to still meet them & do something together, but I'm not sure if it seems pathetic to meet friends like that... but I mean, why not? If you meet significant others like that... what's so bad about friends? hmm.

 

I guess that's just one way of meeting friends as well...I don't purposely search for them though, we just get talking online & I usually tell them I'm not attracted to them "in that way" but it would be cool to still remain friends...

[MollyElise]

I have realized that a huge group of friends, does not equal good friendships. Other than my husband I have only two or three other people I consider to be my "friends" people I can call just to say hi, or call whenever anything big happens. I moved far far away from home 3.5 months ago and have yet to make a single friend! We've made lots of guy friends, but girls are alot harder to meet in a social environment.

 

What do you enjoy doing? What are you good at? We've made most of our male friends at the pool hall, my husband is an excellent pool player and gains the respect of people who he plays with, who then want to become friends. Do you play any sports? What about video games? I know alot of guys build a bond with each other while having LAN parties. I've used MySpace (browse function) to try to meet new people in the area, but haven't had much luck, though I know another girl who has built a whole social network through myspace. Craigslist is also good to post on for friends or respond to posts, there are usually lots of softball, kickball, etc teams as well as book clubs, running groups and just people headed out over the weekend.

 

MOST OF ALL - stop comparing yourself to others, it never does any good. Do what is best for you, what makes you feel healthy, strong and proud then you'll have less chance of finding yourself totally lost in what society tells you to do.

[Batya33]

It's interesting how you label people and put them in boxes - hippie types, types you would see on TV, cool types- how many of these people do you know well, as individuals? If you saw me at a fancy event with my designer handbag talking to a bunch of cool people and also knew that I was a professional with a sophisticated career would you also know (1) that I grew up in a not too nice neighborhood that was dangerous at times; (2) that I am a self-made woman when it comes to education and career; (3) that I was a very unpopular person in high school, college and grad school; (4) that most likely the people you would see me hanging out with at such an event likely are not my friends and are barely acquaintances. My guess is you would probably make generalized assumptions about who I am and what my values are based on that little snapshot of seeing me at a fancy event talking to those "types" of people.

 

That is where I think you're going wrong. Making these generalized assumptions and then also wanting people to give you a chance as an individual. A bit inconsistent, don't you think? Think about it.

[Caldus]

Yeah I might try some of that. It's just that I'm only going to be here for another month and then I'm moving back to Charlotte, NC for my last year in school. So it would be kind of pointless to make friends right now. But at the same time, I'm going to be pretty bored on the 4th of July.

[chemica]

Yeah I might try some of that. It's just that I'm only going to be here for another month and then I'm moving back to Charlotte, NC for my last year in school. So it would be kind of pointless to make friends right now.

 

Kinda feel the same way Caldus. Also going into my last year of college and didn't make any real close friends during the first 3. Hoping to put myself in a position so that I will be better at making friends when I am working. Gym, Church, and my Krav Maga training sessions are where I am usually able to meet people.

[RelaxByWater84]

Me I have 4 close friends. Two from where I grew up. Two since I've come to college. Even then they are not the type of people I can share my whole heart with. They have been through experiences I haven't been through. The down side of having the close friends from where i grew up is they cannot get along with each other. I have to hang out with one friend one night and the other the next night. Thats one of the problems and they both have boyfriends right now and it seems like they can't take time away from them. I just hate it cuz I'll call them up two weeks in advance and ask to do stuff, I'll plan it and all and then the day of or the day before we are to do stuff they bail out on me. There have been times when I went ahead and went to the place where we were planning on going but it sucks cuz it's not as fun.

 

After that chapter from my life's novel: I feel your pain.