Tired of living

[saku]

I am going to end my life...and really there isn't much turning back. I have sought out help only to have people turn their backs on me. i went a church for help, but they just belittled my problems. i went to a therpist and all she really did was treat me like a number. i was sent to the hospital after trying to end my life and basically it was nothing more than a kennel for humans. and my family doesn't care either. i mean i know they mean well, but they could care less about me right now. for awhile a counselor at school cared, but then he turned his back on me when things started to get worse. and then there is God...i know i will offend christians by saying this, but i hate God very much right now. people can say that's wrong, but what's wrong is that i tried to seek help and i of course tried to help myself, but it didn't matter at all. am i wrong to cry out for help?

 

i'm going to donate some money to different charities....it won't be much and i'm not doing it for recognition, it just feels right. then i'm going to get tested to donate my kidney to my granmother. she sees me as a burden as i need her help often, so this is the only way i can really repay her. after all of this, i'm leaving to go out west to maybe arizona or nevada where the desert is. then i'm ending my life.

 

i know alot of people come on to this site. i read the things others go through and i wish so badly i could do something. the best i can do is not belittle you guys' problems and tell you to do the best you can not to become a failure like me.

[Dako]

Sorry you're going to end your life. I know it's a popular thing to do, but glad I turned away from it as a solution. I've met some good people and grown a bit so dying lost it's allure for the present time.

Hopefully you won't leave shattered friends and relatives to suffer through life while you rest peacefully in oblivion.

 

Have you read some of the posts here by folks who sidestepped the last step? Antilove, bcallumjr and others have struggled successfully and offered insight to people wth the itch to ditch life. They inspire me.

It takes more than giving up to solve things.

 

I don't get mad at G-d since I don't believe. If you do, maybe you have a shred of faith that could be useful.

[saku]

i won't be leaving any shattered hearts because as i said no one really cares. yeah see that's why i can end my life. see i'm a burden now while i'm alive. when i die, i won't be a burden anymore.

[Dako]

Okay.

If there's no one who'd care, you have less to worry about.

I struggled with the ethics of causing others to suffer, and it kept me from doing the deed. Messed up my plan really good!

Are you maybe overlooking someone who might disagree that you're not of value? I know feeling down can make you feel unloved or unappreciated, especially after they drag you to specialists who let you down. It might be good to ask them if you can pull the plug without hurting anyone.

 

Of course replying to you is an attempt to get you to think outside your own inner dialog and consider others. It might soak in or might not, but only you can decide to deal with your sadness or take the easier way out.

 

I have to say I'm glad I stayed here. I bought a cheap motorcycle, ride in the mountains and stop to admire the view, smoke a cigar and ride home during sunset and listen to coyotes sing at night. It must be better than being a pile of decaying debris.

 

PM me if you like, or don't.

[wonderland88]

Hey Saku,

 

I've tried that route in life before but I'm so thankful I didn't.

 

I honestly thought nobody cared either but not ending my life I've grown closer to my parents and friends and without them I'd be a lost cause...you never know how people feel about you because as I said I felt the exact same when I shouldn't have because there are people out there who care about you.

 

Suicide is the easy way out, life is a big test and you must be going through a difficult one to want to die. I do feel sorry for you and I wish that I could help but the best piece of advice I can give is don't give up, there is always something better coming your way after a really crappy time in your life.

 

So in short, I hope you don't end your life because you will regret it things will look up you just have to be tough and try to get through it best as possible

[CluelessGuy321]

What kind of probs you got? Physical?

[saku]

i guess i can say one thing that has hurt me is that a really nice and christian person hates me and while this is that person's choice is seems to be based on miscommunication and having a closed heart. i can think outside the bloody box all day, but alot of people in my life still only see the negative in me. some say it doesn't matter what other people think or say and that may be true, but i don't live in this world alone...well i guess i kind of do now.

[CluelessGuy321]

Bah, Christians. I can tell you a think or two about "nice and christian" people that I've had the unfortunate fortune of meeting.

 

Anyways, you know what you need man? A change of scenery first off. Then maybe evaluate yourself and figure out what your positives are and really exploit those attributes. There's so many different circles of people out there, that you do have people with similar interests and likes as you.

[saku]

maybe....too bad i can't really go anywhere right now. thanks for the advice, sorry though.

[Tesseract_Witch]

Heh, "can't really go anywhere"? You haven't met me and MY friends, yet! as CluelessGuy suggested, give it a shot first. Death is too drastic--besides, what IF you don't totally die, what if you should fail again and land in the hospital--or if you are somehow still aware of your being even in death. That would be hell for eternity...

[Boughtandpaidfor]

you going to kill yourself.........but you're too busy to take a vacation? If you're going to die you don't really need to do anything other than what you want.... you may as well do something you want to do.

[saku]

well...i have only 38 dollars. kind of need this money for food you see. so vacation isn't possible. but i do get what you're saying and all. i mean if i had the money, i would make an attempt to get away.

 

by the way, something has been bugging me for sometime....where does cyanide come from? i'm not asking so much to get some as i have always wondered its origins.

[avman]

Here's a rundown on what cyanide is. I am not providing you this in order for you to use it. Plus it would be nearly impossible for you to get your hands on this stuff by yourself anyway.

 

cyanide[sI´unId´´] link removed, chemical compound containing the link removed, image removedCN. Cyanides are salts or esters of link removed (hydrocyanic acid, HCN) formed by replacing the hydrogen with a metal (e.g., sodium or link removed) or a radical (e.g., ammonium or ethyl). The most common and widely used cyanides are those of sodium and potassium; they are often referred to simply as "cyanide." Both are white, crystalline, chemically active compounds. They are used as link removed, in making pigments, in metallurgy (e.g., electroplating and case hardening), and in refining gold and silver by the link removed. Organic cyanides are called nitriles. The ethyl ester of hydrogen cyanide (CH3CH2CN) is called variously ethyl cyanide, propionitrile, propane nitrile, nitrilopropane, and cyanoethane; propane nitrile is the approved name in the nomenclature system for organic chemistry adopted by the International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry (IUPAC). Most cyanides are deadly poisons that cause link removed failure.

[avman]

i know i will offend christians by saying this, but i hate God very much right now. people can say that's wrong, but what's wrong is that i tried to seek help and i of course tried to help myself, but it didn't matter at all. am i wrong to cry out for help?

 

I am Christian and you have not offended me. All of us get mad at God from time to time. God understands this. But he loves us anyway no matter how mad we get. He knows we get sad, lonely, angry, and blame him when things are not going the way we need them to go.

 

I say go ahead and get mad. Scream at him. Let it all out. Exhaust yourself completely while doing it. And then, when you have collapsed from it all and you are at your lowest point, you will hear what he has to say. He will be listening to you and you will find guidance. Ask him for peace and direction. He will give it to you.

 

I understand you have had some churches and therapists fail you. All I can say is that like anything in life there are some people and organizations that are better at their job than others. Yes there are churches who do not follow their mission. Yes there are incompetent therapists. But there are also many good ones out there. I was lucky to find a church that did listen to me and helped me get on the right path. But I too ran into some problem organizations that were more focused on themselves than on their members.

 

Keep searching. I know you are in pain but don't let it win. We're behind you all the way.

[skyblue1]

I'm so sorry to hear things haven't been going well for you. You know that your the only one that can help yourself. You can change how you feel about life by changing how you think. I;ve been up and down with things we all need to be strong and live happy. Read this book it might help you You can heal you life by louise hay. Good luck and don;t do anything crazy because it's not worth that xx

[saku]

well thanks for those words. i'm trying to keep my heart open to them as best as possible, but i have to also consider everything that has happened that hurts.

 

this is probably a stupid example but what if you walked into a bank and the teller immediatley sounded the alarm the moment you walk in there? i mean you weren't dong anything wrong, but the teller just decided to overeact based on her fears and feelings. well i feel like that person walking into that bank right now and before i can express my feelings, the people in my life go right for that alarm. everyone keeps telling me to "get out of myself" but in fairness, the others in my life should do the same. no, i can't make them of course, but that's why i've turned to suicide. if it's alright for people to hurt me in an unfair manner, then maybe it's okay for me to end my life. sure i have that "choice", but i guess i can't help but think about the moral part in all of this.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Your grandmother will find it much more of a burden to deal with a grandchild who committed suicide.

 

Of course I do not know the extent of your problems.

 

Do not worry about God. There are many logical reasons why God cannot exist, and why "he" doesn't. Look elsewhere for spiritual direction. Try Buddhist or general philosophical doctrines.

 

I think of suicide every day, and some days it pummels my psyche more than others. Some days I take three or four sleeping pills and just pass out for six hours because I just cannot look a day in the eye.

 

Yet when I wake, I still am here. I still have a chance to make myself a fraction happier. Even better, I may have a chance to find real purpose - make someone else happier.

 

This is the harsh reality - if you are never going to muster the effort to change yourself, you will never experience a better reality.

 

At my last mental health appointment, I looked over at a bulging file on the table. It was obese, as files go. I pitied my nurse who carried it in.

 

Then I realised - that file was on me.

 

I can do a lot better than sitting in a grim room, my thoughts summarised in someone's scrawl in a binder.

 

So can you. Just keep breathing. Then work out how you can plan to generate some kind of purpose - I can't tell you what wil make you more content, but why don't you find out? It can't be worse than this.

[Spugly Fuglet]

Could you give it some time befor doing it so we can try and help.